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Text advice

(32 Posts)
12KBW Fri 29-Mar-13 15:06:15

Hi I'm a newbie
I'd like some advice please on an issue that's just arisen. It makes me sound about 16 creating this thread. I've met a man at work very recently, he's a builder in doing some refurb work. He and I started flirting and we exchanged numbers. We are both in relationships, mine is long-term but his is with a woman he's known 8 months and seen twice in that time as she lives far off. At first he said he didn't know where we could go with a relationship due to neither of us being single. I stopped texting and after a few days he contacted me again saying "I give in, hope you are ok xxx". I wasn't sure what he meant but we recommenced texting. Last night we were working late, alone and the cliched thing happened. It was pretty amazing but after I left the office he sent lots of texts and I'm now v confused.
First off he text that he'd had a text from his girlfriend saying she hoped he'd had a nice day and was missing him and he felt terrible, what have we done? Then he said that was crazy then a 3rd text all within about 1 min to say "you are very hot xx" I said it was so good, he agreed but said don't I feel bad? Over the course of the evening we exchanged texts where he said he felt terrible after I'd left but felt we'd clicked straight away and he didn't think we'd do anything but have harmless fun but we went way past that.
I saw him this morning and he was seemingly pretty happy and I text that I didn't expect to see him in the office, did he sleep there? He replied straight away "I'm a machine, haha xxx"
My query really is whether he was trying to end it last night or just saying he felt guilty. He didn't end it but I was surprised how bad he seemed to feel, it was his first time of doing anything like this apparently. This morning I thought he might avoid me but he certainly didn't, in fact he came up to where I was working but other people were there so we didn't really talk, he just made conversation with me. I wonder if he wanted me to reply with "I'll say" or something to his machine comment?
I'm confused about how I feel about him. I haven't replied. What shall I do??

clam Sun 31-Mar-13 08:34:42

I would give any relationship between the two of you a cat's chance in Hell of lasting more than 5 minutes, given the way it's started. We'll see you on here in a week month or two, complaining that you've caught him out shagging someone else. Quelle surprise!

BOEUF Sun 31-Mar-13 02:49:23

It's interesting though that you are making yourself sound like a helpless victim of fate, whereas you are implying that he is behaving like some kind of player. The circumstances and things he has said though imply that he is genuinely interested in you, and that he would call time on his relatively casual relationship if you gave him the nod.

BOEUF Sun 31-Mar-13 02:33:00

He wants to know if you will dump your boyfriend for him because he doesn't want to dump his girlfriend otherwise. That's all.

Jaynebxl Sun 31-Mar-13 02:21:12

I hate this attitude of "the cliche thing happened", neither of us expected it to happen and then it did rubbish. Sex is not something with its own mind that decides on it's own accord to happen ... It happened because you chose to make it happen. Now you can choose to stop it or to make it happen again. But first please stop making excuses about your current relationship and sort that out first.

bestsonever Sat 30-Mar-13 23:59:37

He's assuming that you would feel guilty being in a long-term relationship and may be, as we mostly are too, confused as to why you seemingly have no guilt or remorse. By appearing to empathise with perceived guilt, it would normally open up a conversation which would tell him whether you feel too guilty or if it's still on for a repeat. I entirely get where why he texted that. He is probably surprised (as some of us are) but pleased that you don't give a damn about your BF'sfeelings. Now why you could not work this out and need it explaining is a whole other matter, seems you know very little about life almost like a teenager?

Nirvana1999 Sat 30-Mar-13 17:35:22

What exactly are you looking for? Why are you looking into this so deeply, it was a quick shag, his thought process is probably getting another shag before he leaves your work place.

Do your partner a favour and end the relationship, you don't sound mature enough for it. Poor guy.

KareninsGirl Sat 30-Mar-13 17:21:53

Umm, don't you feel guilty at all? Hello? Your long term partner? Remember him/her?

SorryMyLollipop Sat 30-Mar-13 09:59:01

So you flirted and exchanged numbers and didn't expect anything to happen? Right wink

You betrayed your partner just by going this, never mind the sex!!

Your poor partner, no mention of him (or any guilt from you) at all in your OP hmm

Leave your partner, set him free to find someone nice and honest. But first tell him he needs an sti check.

Then wait for the builder to string you along and use you as his plaything until he's bored (when the refurb finishes presumably) showing complete lack of self respect or awareness of the world.

Then do some work on how you can cheat on someone and feel no remorse or responsibility.

You do sound 16, yes.

clam Sat 30-Mar-13 08:36:39

He is a cheat, out for a quick shag, but then so too is the OP.

Jemma1111 Sat 30-Mar-13 08:33:32

What a classy lady you sound Op hmm

Why are you so concerned about his motives and asking on here what we think ?

This is the deal : he is a cheat who sees you as just a cheap shag , that is all.

clam Sat 30-Mar-13 08:19:13

I don't even know where to start.

Why on earth are you trying to attribute feelings, thoughts and motives to someone you had a quick shag with? I think it's quite clear what sort of people you are to be able to cheat on your respective partners so easily. Who cares if he's feeling guilty? You're obviously not.

I just feel sorry for your partners.

MsWinnieBaygo Fri 29-Mar-13 23:37:27

Who gives a shit if he wants to carry on, if he feels guilty or what his texts mean. The point is, you are in a relationship and so allegedly is he. You can analyse his texts until the cows come home but the bottom line is he is using you for sex and having his cake and eating it. If you are star crossed lovers leave your partners and be with each other - my instinct is if you suggested it he would crap himself. He would rather be in a relationship with someone who he has seen twice in 8 months than you. Have a bit of respect for you and your partner and walk away from this using twat now

EllaFitzgerald Fri 29-Mar-13 23:18:34

Was it him who told you he'd only seen his girlfriend twice in eight months? He's spun you a line and you've fallen for it.

If your relationship isn't making you happy, then end it. Nobody would blame you for that. But you're supposed to end it before you go looking for a replacement. You don't sound about 16. You do sound very selfish.

Hopasholic Fri 29-Mar-13 23:08:30

Re your OH 'Its like we're just friends, I'm sure that's why this has just happened
No, it's just happened because you made the choice to cheat

badinage Fri 29-Mar-13 16:54:01

So you started flirting with some random, exchanged numbers, carried on flirting and managed to inveigle yourselves into a situation where you would both be in the office alone and you say you didn't expect anything to happen?

Yeah, right.

Of course that's what happened.

jinxdragon Fri 29-Mar-13 16:43:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

almostanotherday Fri 29-Mar-13 16:29:33

Was going to write more but xales said everything I would of done anyway.

scaevola Fri 29-Mar-13 16:21:40

You know very littlel about this man, and have only his word about the existence of a girlfriend (I wonder if she knows she's long distance and has only seen him twice in 8 months? All very implausible).

Did you use a condom? If not, STI clinic asap.

And whilst you're working out how you would tell your partner at he must use a condom because of disease risk, you need also be thinking about why you cheated on him like this. Or is it an agreed mutually-consenting open relationship?

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 16:12:28

You haven't mentioned your long term partner at all since explaining you had one.

I assume you are doing the decent thing and leaving them and not having any more sex to put them at risk from your actions?

SlowLooseChippings Fri 29-Mar-13 16:04:17

"I feel guilty" is him testing the water.

If you respond and say "me too, oh God,I can't believe that happened, I feel sick and it must never ever happen again", then he would probably bow out.

If you don't respond, or don't act guilty, then it says you're into him and happy to carry on and he will accordingly change tack and pursue you. Because then you both have signalled that you're into it and that you don't care about the other partners.

Expect another "I feel guilty" once or twice down the line as well. This is to demonstrate to you and to himself that he is a good person, because only bad people don't feel guilty, right? So if he feels guilty, then he's a Good Person caught in a bad place, not a Bad Person doing a bad thing - and therefore this affair is Not His Fault.

peppasnemesis Fri 29-Mar-13 15:48:13

And if you're in any doubt OP about the last two poster's comments...find my thread and read it. I'm getting similar cliches chucked at me from some guy in a relationship who just wants a quick fumble behind her back.

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 15:39:46

The 'I feel guilty' and the 'let's get it on' is so you feel invested in the drama of the thing. It can't just be a quick shag if he's thinking about you in the same breath as his girlfriend. It's a whirlwind of 'emotion' that's beyond both of your control.

Or so he would have you believe.

Greatscotty Fri 29-Mar-13 15:36:56

He's having a bit of fun my dear.

peppasnemesis Fri 29-Mar-13 15:35:14

You used protection, right?
Otherwise the next episode of this drama might well be "I took a pg test omg!".

I'm rubbish at reading men. BUT gut instinct is he doens't feel guilty, you're not the first and won't be the last...and once the refurb is complete you may not hear much from him.

12KBW Fri 29-Mar-13 15:28:43

I'm sure it sounds confusing, I didn't want the thread to be so long. Yes, it was sex in the office. What's confusing is that I am in a long-term relationship and didn't expect anything like this to happen. He says he too didn't expect anything. My head isn't turned by the "hot" text, I'm just asking for views on why a man would say he feels terrible then say you're hot then say he feels guilty but the next day be back to being chirpy and sending lots of x in texts. Surely feeling guilty would mean he'd stop or do men just change their minds that quickly?
To expand on my relationship, it's like we're just friends and the sexual side of it is not good at all. I'm sure that's why this has just happened.
The refurb is complete next week so this builder won't be around every day. Does he want to carry on? Goes back for more but feels guilty again might be right. Do men usually refer to guilt feelings? Wouldn't they just keep quiet?

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