Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Text advice(32 Posts)
Hi I'm a newbie
I'd like some advice please on an issue that's just arisen. It makes me sound about 16 creating this thread. I've met a man at work very recently, he's a builder in doing some refurb work. He and I started flirting and we exchanged numbers. We are both in relationships, mine is long-term but his is with a woman he's known 8 months and seen twice in that time as she lives far off. At first he said he didn't know where we could go with a relationship due to neither of us being single. I stopped texting and after a few days he contacted me again saying "I give in, hope you are ok xxx". I wasn't sure what he meant but we recommenced texting. Last night we were working late, alone and the cliched thing happened. It was pretty amazing but after I left the office he sent lots of texts and I'm now v confused.
First off he text that he'd had a text from his girlfriend saying she hoped he'd had a nice day and was missing him and he felt terrible, what have we done? Then he said that was crazy then a 3rd text all within about 1 min to say "you are very hot xx" I said it was so good, he agreed but said don't I feel bad? Over the course of the evening we exchanged texts where he said he felt terrible after I'd left but felt we'd clicked straight away and he didn't think we'd do anything but have harmless fun but we went way past that.
I saw him this morning and he was seemingly pretty happy and I text that I didn't expect to see him in the office, did he sleep there? He replied straight away "I'm a machine, haha xxx"
My query really is whether he was trying to end it last night or just saying he felt guilty. He didn't end it but I was surprised how bad he seemed to feel, it was his first time of doing anything like this apparently. This morning I thought he might avoid me but he certainly didn't, in fact he came up to where I was working but other people were there so we didn't really talk, he just made conversation with me. I wonder if he wanted me to reply with "I'll say" or something to his machine comment?
I'm confused about how I feel about him. I haven't replied. What shall I do??
I am not sure I understand what this post is about. There is lots here about this "flirtation" and the cliche thing happening (whatever that is) and only a passing reference to your long-term relationship. Very odd, I don't mean to sound mean, but if your head is turned by someone texting you "you are very hot xx" then you do sound about 16.
My query really is whether he was trying to end it last night or just saying he felt guilty
I don't think any of us are going to know what the hell is going on in that specimen's mind considering he doesn't seem to know either.
There's a scene in Friend's where Monica goads Rachel saying, "I'm Rachel, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross!"
So yeah, he probably feels guilty, but then goes back for more, and will feel guilty again.
Begs the question - do you really want to be part of this lather, rinse, repeat cycle?
I think they had a quickie in the office... like you do.
It all sounds a terrible drama and like a plot in Hollyoaks.
What's so confusing? What do you want to happen?
You can't have a relationship if neither of you are single.
I'm sure it sounds confusing, I didn't want the thread to be so long. Yes, it was sex in the office. What's confusing is that I am in a long-term relationship and didn't expect anything like this to happen. He says he too didn't expect anything. My head isn't turned by the "hot" text, I'm just asking for views on why a man would say he feels terrible then say you're hot then say he feels guilty but the next day be back to being chirpy and sending lots of x in texts. Surely feeling guilty would mean he'd stop or do men just change their minds that quickly?
To expand on my relationship, it's like we're just friends and the sexual side of it is not good at all. I'm sure that's why this has just happened.
The refurb is complete next week so this builder won't be around every day. Does he want to carry on? Goes back for more but feels guilty again might be right. Do men usually refer to guilt feelings? Wouldn't they just keep quiet?
You used protection, right?
Otherwise the next episode of this drama might well be "I took a pg test omg!".
I'm rubbish at reading men. BUT gut instinct is he doens't feel guilty, you're not the first and won't be the last...and once the refurb is complete you may not hear much from him.
The 'I feel guilty' and the 'let's get it on' is so you feel invested in the drama of the thing. It can't just be a quick shag if he's thinking about you in the same breath as his girlfriend. It's a whirlwind of 'emotion' that's beyond both of your control.
Or so he would have you believe.
And if you're in any doubt OP about the last two poster's comments...find my thread and read it. I'm getting similar cliches chucked at me from some guy in a relationship who just wants a quick fumble behind her back.
"I feel guilty" is him testing the water.
If you respond and say "me too, oh God,I can't believe that happened, I feel sick and it must never ever happen again", then he would probably bow out.
If you don't respond, or don't act guilty, then it says you're into him and happy to carry on and he will accordingly change tack and pursue you. Because then you both have signalled that you're into it and that you don't care about the other partners.
Expect another "I feel guilty" once or twice down the line as well. This is to demonstrate to you and to himself that he is a good person, because only bad people don't feel guilty, right? So if he feels guilty, then he's a Good Person caught in a bad place, not a Bad Person doing a bad thing - and therefore this affair is Not His Fault.
You haven't mentioned your long term partner at all since explaining you had one.
I assume you are doing the decent thing and leaving them and not having any more sex to put them at risk from your actions?
You know very littlel about this man, and have only his word about the existence of a girlfriend (I wonder if she knows she's long distance and has only seen him twice in 8 months? All very implausible).
Did you use a condom? If not, STI clinic asap.
And whilst you're working out how you would tell your partner at he must use a condom because of disease risk, you need also be thinking about why you cheated on him like this. Or is it an agreed mutually-consenting open relationship?
Was going to write more but xales said everything I would of done anyway.
So you started flirting with some random, exchanged numbers, carried on flirting and managed to inveigle yourselves into a situation where you would both be in the office alone and you say you didn't expect anything to happen?
Of course that's what happened.
Re your OH 'Its like we're just friends, I'm sure that's why this has just happened
No, it's just happened because you made the choice to cheat
Was it him who told you he'd only seen his girlfriend twice in eight months? He's spun you a line and you've fallen for it.
If your relationship isn't making you happy, then end it. Nobody would blame you for that. But you're supposed to end it before you go looking for a replacement. You don't sound about 16. You do sound very selfish.
Who gives a shit if he wants to carry on, if he feels guilty or what his texts mean. The point is, you are in a relationship and so allegedly is he. You can analyse his texts until the cows come home but the bottom line is he is using you for sex and having his cake and eating it. If you are star crossed lovers leave your partners and be with each other - my instinct is if you suggested it he would crap himself. He would rather be in a relationship with someone who he has seen twice in 8 months than you. Have a bit of respect for you and your partner and walk away from this using twat now
I don't even know where to start.
Why on earth are you trying to attribute feelings, thoughts and motives to someone you had a quick shag with? I think it's quite clear what sort of people you are to be able to cheat on your respective partners so easily. Who cares if he's feeling guilty? You're obviously not.
I just feel sorry for your partners.
What a classy lady you sound Op
Why are you so concerned about his motives and asking on here what we think ?
This is the deal : he is a cheat who sees you as just a cheap shag , that is all.
He is a cheat, out for a quick shag, but then so too is the OP.
So you flirted and exchanged numbers and didn't expect anything to happen? Right
You betrayed your partner just by going this, never mind the sex!!
Your poor partner, no mention of him (or any guilt from you) at all in your OP
Leave your partner, set him free to find someone nice and honest. But first tell him he needs an sti check.
Then wait for the builder to string you along and use you as his plaything until he's bored (when the refurb finishes presumably) showing complete lack of self respect or awareness of the world.
Then do some work on how you can cheat on someone and feel no remorse or responsibility.
You do sound 16, yes.
Join the discussion
Please login first.