Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Optional parenting makes me so angry

(23 Posts)
Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 11:04:09

Personal experience and mumsnet constantly demonstrates this to me.
One partner (more often men) suddenly want out and for whatever reason and then assume they can move out and re start their lives as if the last few years didn't happen.
They then have more money to themselves, find it easier to work and socialise, more leisure time, no need for a big family car, can start nice new relationships and all the fun and enjoyment that comes with dating pre kids. I could go on.
On too of this they still have the love and respect of their friends and family whereas if a woman does the same she is often vilified.
I think that joint parenting should become much more the norm rather than one parent left to do the majority of it.
Sorry for slight rant I just read one too many threads over the last few days.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 11:13:11

It's certainly true that a man walking out on children is seen as normal, if not actually commendable (big difference) but a woman doing the same is regarded as an freak. Family can't help but carry on loving someone, even if they've behaved badly, but friends will often take sides. It may be true that the absent parent has more time, fun, money, dating opportunities or whatever... but have they lost more than they have gained if they have forfeited their children? Joint parenting is regarded as the norm legally speaking and many responsible former couples manage to do exactly that. However, there are an awful lot of selfish people out there.... no legislating for that.

Personally speaking, I'd rather live with the satisfaction & pride of knowing I'd been the responsible adult and the bigger person than waste a second of my life being bitter about what the absent parent has allegedly gained.

Xales Fri 29-Mar-13 11:15:15

How do you force a parent if they don't want to have their children?

Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 11:23:33

You can't I know that grin bitter experience and if course I love mine with me all the time I just get a bit sick of hearing or reading about fathers just meeting someone else or not enjoying married life so just naturally assuming they can leave and start again.
No answers I know but I just thought it was an interesting talking point and wonder if joint parenting were more the norm would it make people more likely to try and work things out or at least try.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 11:33:37

I think joint parenting is actually the norm. Statistically, more couples stay together than split up. Of the ones that split up I'm very sure that more make an effort to maintain a good relationship with each other and their DCs than disappear into the sunset. The 'dead-beat Dad' is ever with us but I don't think they are the majority...

Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 11:38:12

That's good then. I guess we only read about the bad scenarios on here.
My ex is useless as was my father.
Dh is devoted though and I think I'd have a fight not to have joint custody tbh.
I'm still in shock when dd goes to him rather than me as I've not experienced that with the other four which is so sad.
He has two new dds and barely sees our young dd and practically ignores his adult sons.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 11:54:46

I used to know a widower with four grown up DCs. You'd think, given that they'd lost their mother, that he would be especially close to them. Far from it. Motivated by who knows what he chose to gradually distance himself from the rest of the family, culminating with marrying again and cutting off contact. By the time he died he had zero relationship with his kids who were all variously screwed up by the way things turned out. I don't see men like him as something to be envied.

Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 12:07:49

Yes I agree. My dad is now in his late 60s and after being absent apart from one visit at Xmas had no contact.
He now wants to play happy families and dangles his will as a carrot.
I am completely disinterested tbh. He's very bigoted in his opinions and a total sexist pig. I am fortunate to have not had him parent me and possibly instil his views upon me.
He chastised me last year for forgetting his birthday and Father's Day. I think he thought he'd embarrass me in front if his new young gf.
I retorted by suggesting he owed me 45 birthday cards and did he wish to compare scores?
He left before desert could be slopped onto his plate grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 12:38:02

There you go... His loss. smile I don't believe in Karma - quite a lot of perfectly horrible people live annoyingly long, happy lives - but, in your Dad's case, he has reaped what he sowed.

Springdiva Fri 29-Mar-13 13:25:58

I think selfish people do live longer lives!

They aren't worn down by the effort to please or make people happy!!

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 29-Mar-13 18:14:43

I have one of those ex partners who just gave up his son when he met his now wife. I suspect she doesn't want my son in her now husbands life but I don't blame her. I ve watched my son sob curled up in a ball because of his cunt of a father. For that reason alone I wish him nothing but unhappiness. Sorry for my language smile

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 29-Mar-13 18:16:07

I meant to add all the single dads I know, except my ex are excellent dads. I think feckers like my ex are the minority. Lots of good dads about too.

RatPants Fri 29-Mar-13 18:16:58

It infuriates me too. And it seems to have happened a lot to people I know lately. Was having a rant to dh about it not long ago saying that sometimes it seems that he is the only man we know to have coped with real parenthood for any length of time. Pathetic.

Beckamaw Sun 31-Mar-13 15:52:26

Pisses me off too.
Bizarrely, my ex twat was a far more absent parent when we were together. 'Worked late' to avoid seeing the kids (admitted it was the pub later on), stayed away unnecessarily, slept in at weekends etc.
When we split he made a big song and dance about not wanting to lose his kids, so I agreed to shared residency.
Now his Mum does all the 'work' when he has them, but at least they have some kind of relationship.

I expect it will all change in a couple of years, when his parents get sick of it. I will welcome them back full time with open arms, however, I refuse to be the one who tears them from him.

He was always a parent that would 'babysit' his own kids under duress.
It's an interesting situation. I just hope he throws the towel in sooner, rather than later.

Hesterton Sun 31-Mar-13 17:32:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seriouscakeeater Sun 31-Mar-13 18:00:20

Ffs!!! ANOTHER man hating thread! Women walk out on kids as well! Maybe you down trodden women can take a smidging of the blame for hooking up with suck Fuckin losers in the first place! But oh no that won't ever happen as its ALL ways the blokes fault!

What happened to mn being about intelligent independent strong funny women ? Now its all bitchy remarks bullying, men hating, little mutual back slapping groups? Thought I'd left that behind in school ?
Adios mumsnet would like to day it'd been a pleasure but all I've seen is how hidious a bunch of women can be when hiding behind a key board.

OneHandFlapping Sun 31-Mar-13 18:08:46

No loss to us, seriouscakeeater.

corlan Sun 31-Mar-13 18:22:54

Don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out!

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 19:19:41

Off you fuck then!!!
Man hater indeed! I have three sons fgs.
You have some serious issues cake!

McPheetStink Sun 31-Mar-13 19:28:37

My ex is doing exactly the above, as described.

I don't hate men, I just want him maimed. There's a big difference grin

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 19:51:39

Oooooo you man hater mcpheet don't you know he's a man and has special rights to behave like a massive knobhead.

McPheetStink Sun 31-Mar-13 20:13:44

But I want to behave like a knobhead too

No fair sad

skyebluesapphire Sun 31-Mar-13 20:43:25

I find it very sad. My Xh walked out bleating that he would see DD as often as he could, blah blah blah. Then he refused to have her in the summer holidays as he needed to work, really ranted on about how he couldnt afford to take the time off. Fair enough you might think. Then he took a week off to go on a foreign holiday with OW and her H, that he couldnt afford..........

He moved 20 miles away, a 30 minute drive, then complained that it was too far to come and get her and I should take her to him sometimes.

He refuses to arrange work around her for 2 days a month so that he can have her on a Friday night as well as a Saturday every other weekend. He doesn't see her in between those 14 days and he quite often forgets to ring her once a week.

There are much worse fathers out there I know, but there are also much better ones too. My friend does everything he can to see his DD and would see her more if the mother would let him. Another friend lives for every other weekend when he has his DC and his whole world revolves around them

There is no way that my XH would want to or be able to do 50/50 parenting..

and this isn't about manhating, I have been on a thread recently where the mum has left the children and gone abroad and the father has received brilliant support on MN.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: