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Bloody useless partner. Fed up of doing it all by myself.

(17 Posts)
Numbthumbs Fri 29-Mar-13 07:42:34

Ive been with my partner for 6 years and im at the end of my tether, feel like im going to explode. Hes useless. I feel so resentful towards him at the moment.

He doesnt sort out anything or take any responsibility for anything - I do all the childcare and the majority of the housework. DS is 9 weeks and was unplanned, DP was adamant i got a termination but i couldnt do it and every argument we have about me being tired or stressed comes down to the fact that 'you knew it would be hard' and it makes me weep! He is a good dad to our 21 month old DD but it honestly doesnt come naturally to him at all, his DF is a terrible role model (alcoholic abusive man). He will spend time with DS but as soon as he cries he gets angry and stressed and cant deal with him. He openly admits he hates babies and didnt start interacting with DD really until she was about 9 months and wasnt a baby anymore.

I sort all the finances, all the household problems and pretty much everything, all he does is pay the bills. I was on maternity leave but ive had to go back to work 2 days a week because all he does is critisise me for not earning and i thought that if i went back he would shut up but he hasnt. Im so stressed out. I do all the night shifts with the kids, he hasnt offered and im so worn down by it all that i dont ask. My job is quite stressful so i need a good nights sleep but DS is poorly and thats impossible.

He is expecting me to drive him to his parents this weekend (100 miles) for them to meet DS (why the fuck they havent been bothered to come and see him themselves is beyond me) and im considering putting my foot down and saying im not going. Im so tired i physically ache. DP doesnt drive, this is a HUGE issue to me and causes a lot of rows as it means i have to do all the driving and taking kids everywhere is a nightmare with 2 so young.
We were supposed to go at xmas but i was 37 weeks pregnant and not feeling confident, i put my foot down (with the help of lovely munsnetters) and we didnt go but it caused a huge argument and a pretty rubbish xmas.

I want to leave him but ive got no money and nowhere to go except my parents and i dont want to disappoint them. They know how useless he is and are very supportive and helpful but say that i knew that before i had DS (not exactly thrilled about me having another baby either) and i should just get on with it. Im worried about how it will affect the kids too.

Im sorry i waffled on, im just totally stuck, confused and fucked off! I think i just needed to rant but any advice on how i can make changes is appreciated.

lottie63 Fri 29-Mar-13 07:54:07

Having been with someone who chooses to be hopeless, I can say now that you need to get this sorted asap. It only gets worse and the resentment builds up hugely. Counselling may help him see that it s not just you who thinks hd should do more. If not this, can a mate of his say that his actions are running you into the ground? Ring up his folks, tell them how shattered you are and that you don t feel it d be safe to drive whilst so knackered. And then suggest they get the train to see you

Numbthumbs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:02:27

He doesnt have any close mates, he is very antisocial (another bone of contentment with us) so there isnt anyone i could speak to really, my dad would talk to him but i dodnt want to get him involved, they do enough for us.

I really dont want to ring hs parents, we dont have that sort of relationship and im pretty sure he would go mad. I would have to just say to him that im not going but you can get the train and take DS if you want to. He promised me he would look after DS last night so i could get some sleep but he didnt so i will use that as my excuse (not that i should have to but there you go).

Kat101 Fri 29-Mar-13 08:28:54

Does this man have any good or redeeming features?? Have there been good times in the past 6 years?

I think you need to let go of the idea that if you make changes (going back to work) or push yourself for what he wants (driving to his parents) that it will make him happy/improve things. He does not sound rational - no-one in their right mind would expect a massively sleep deprived new mum to safely drive them and their very young children 100 miles on an non-essential journey, plus all the packing/sorting that a clear head is needed for this kind of expedition. It is not a sane or reasonable ask.

It doesn't sound as if he is willing to try and change, not even trying to get up last night. Either look into counselling to address his attitude and your response, or go to CAB and start planning your exit strategy.

LessMissAbs Fri 29-Mar-13 08:40:03

I'm struggling as to why you wanted to have kids with this man in the first place? I was going to say you have been trying to turn someone into something they don't want to be, but I don't want to be too harsh as you sound stressed beyond belief. Then I read the bit about him not driving. That's pathetic. Just don't drive him to his parents - what exactly is he going to do if you don't? Are you scared to confront him? Has he got any motivation to do anything in life? I'm sorry, but I think you also need to question why you held onto a relationship with a man with traits like this.

He openly admits he hates babies he was telling you and being honest, he doesn't sound like he wanted a family at all and has been forced into the situation.

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 08:40:28

Don't even consider driving such a long way for an extremely non-essential journey whilst you're so tired.

And use the time instead to make plans to remove this man from your daily life.

Flisspaps Fri 29-Mar-13 08:47:17

I think you need to forget about disappointing your parents. If they're as helpful and supportive as you say, then they won't want to see their DD waste her life with this man - that WOULD be a disappointment.

What a shame you've had to go back to work so soon against your wishes sad This is what maternity leave is for - to get through the early months of sleep deprivation (and to bond with your baby)!

I wouldn't have him take a 9 week old that he can't look after, to his parents house, without me. If he was competent and caring, it might be different.

I think you need to make plans to leave. Having no money shouldn't be a barrier to this. It'll be difficult, but not impossible.

MaidMiniEgg2012 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:02:33

You are not waffling on.

My XP was exactly the same as this, bloody hopeless. He clearly thought it was "Womens work". I struggled for 2 years and he frigging well sat and watched me. I did every single thing. Even asking him to wash up (once) created such a scene I just stopped asking in the end. His DM (who I respect deeply despite this) did everything for him, resulting in an adult of 40 incapable of cooking a meal. It wasn't just that, he refused to learn how, to assist me. I used to think "I might as well be a single mother!"

My XP, like yours also went on and on about how I had the life of Riley, doing nothing all day while he was out at work. He was jealous that I was at home all day and constantly questioned what I'd been doing all day. He was in and out of work a lot and to be perfectly honest more out than in. He is lazy.

Further to my comment about being a single mother, I made myself one. I finished with him due to his violence and constant drinking. I no longer have to run round after him like a lunatic every day, keep checking he has a cup of tea or coffee, drive to all night off licences alone to get him more alcohol, skivvy round after his other DC's (not their fault, his fault, they 15 and 20 y.o.) and clean up in circles after him.

He now has DS for 2 nights a week and does more now than hes ever done. Mind you he has moved across road from his DM who is running him everywhere (he is banned for Drink Driving) and probably fussing over him daily. He is also a self confessed sexist. One of my favourite quotes by him=

"Did women invent the wheel? Did they fuck as like!!"

He is a rare gem.

The only reason I allow my son to stay with him is the fact his DM is constantly hovering around, and is responsible and keeps an eye on things.

I am better off without him. It's very hurtful and diminishing to be cooking a full meal and looking after a newborn and trying to maintain order in your home while your "D" P sits drinking stella watching you. I fucking detest him. Sorry for language. I just want you to know I know how you feel OP.

And you deserve better sad

Anniegetyourgun Fri 29-Mar-13 09:07:25

my parents... are very supportive and helpful but say that i knew that before i had DS... and i should just get on with it

In what way is that supportive and helpful? hmm Sounds exactly the opposite if you ask me.

In my view, if you make your bed and it isn't comfortable, you make it again. You don't lie there thinking "ouch, I really didn't straighten that sheet enough, and I think I must have left a sock somewhere under my hip - oh well, I can't possibly make it again now, I've done my bedmaking and that's how it's gotta be". You get up and do something about it. If you're in a rubbish job, you apply for different jobs. If you're in a tumbledown house with damp, you either get it fixed or you plan how to move out. And if you're in a rubbish relationship... well, you get the picture. Saying you knew how it would be so you should stick in the same situation for ever is counselling a rare degree of apathy. I don't think that is what parents should be doing, frankly.

Numbthumbs Fri 29-Mar-13 16:17:51

Maybe he was forced into it, he agreed to have DD though, i didnt force him to have unprotected sex with me with the understanding that the aim was to make a baby!
My parents are very supportive. I know that if i was to move out they would have me at their house or give me money with no problems, i would just rather not do that.
Today i had a lot of stuff to do and asked him to watch the kids whilst i did it, he said 'so that means i wont get a shower all day then' and went off in a huff. I got the kids together did the things i needed to do with them in tow and have come to my parents, he said nothing and i havent heard from him all day. It must be nice to have a full nights uninterrupted sleep and a day to yourself, i wouldnt know what that was like.

Mom knows theres something up, she randomly said that if there was anything she could do then she would. I am not looking forwards to going home to have the conversation about not going to his parents.

Thanks for all your responses.

HansieMom Fri 29-Mar-13 19:19:00

Why not just stay at your parents? It is a peaceful place. You go home and he is going to be mad, so why go?

I think him not driving is pathetic too.

Dahlen Fri 29-Mar-13 19:37:11

This isn't going to get any better sweetheart. It will only get worse.

It may seem insurmountable now, but honestly, leaving is the first step to making life easier for yourself. Do not underestimate the effects of resentment, feeling under-appreciated, on-edge, constantly criticised and worn to the bone. Once he those feelings go, you will feel far, far more able to cope with your newborn and your DD.

Fairylea Fri 29-Mar-13 19:43:47

If I was your mum I'd be more upset if I knew you stayed in this situation than if you came to me and asked to move back home with me for a bit. I doubt your parents would be disappointed in you. Why would they? You're a brilliant mum, hard working and doing your best. Your dp is an absolute arse.

Do you rent or have a mortgage? If you rent just move out to your parents, register as a lone parent and go and see a housing officer. If you have a mortgage go and see a solicitor and get advice.

Do not feel you have to put up with this. You and the kids deserve better. I'd also give up work unless you enjoy it - do you have any maternity leave as baby is only 9 weeks old? Find out what benefits you can claim as a single parent.

Do not drive for him. Just say no.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 02:18:03

If he wants to see his dps this weekend, he can take the train - and take a photo of ds with him.

They sound as idle as he is - whytf didn't they come to see their new dgs shortly after his birth?

Numbthumbs Sat 30-Mar-13 06:54:06

We have a mortgage on a property that we dont live in as its too small so we rent that out and rent the house we live in - in his name. I wouldnt want to move back into our own property but we cant sell it as we are in negative equity so i may have to.

I am definately going to have to leave, he said some pretty awful things last night and as a woman (nevermind the mother of his children) i cant accept that sort of behavior. I feel as though i am enabling him to be such a lazy, useless fecker so i am mustering all of my strength and thinking of my beautiful children.
I will have to go and speak to my dad, he speaks sense and will help me see what to do with a clear head which is hard at the mo as im so bloody sleep deprived.

P has stated that he is taking DD to his parents on the train......we'll see about that. A 21 month old on a train on easter weekend without a booked seat!!! Shes not one of these golden children who sits still, she is a climber (thoroughly encouraged) so that will be absolutely impossible!

Does anyone know where i can get benefits advice? Ive looked on turn2us website but id rather go and sit down with someone. I have a further look now

Numbthumbs Sat 30-Mar-13 06:58:17

And izzyizin thats exactly what i think - why the fuck werent they here to see DS after he was born! They live 100 miles away, not Australia!! Neither of them drive but still. I have clearly been used as a taxi service for a very long time.

Fairylea Sat 30-Mar-13 08:07:38

If you contact the job centre local to you (you generally need an appointment but ifyou walk in they can sort it out for you) they usually have a lone parent advisor who can tell you what you're entitled to and how to claim it. They were very helpful when I was on my own and they were even able to tell me all in all whether I'd be better off accepting certain jobs or not.

I was a single mum for many years... until I met my now dh on plenty of fish! I was 31 when I married him and we now also have ds 10months as well as my dd who dh treats as his own.

My first dp was very much like yours. I felt so much better getting away from him.

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