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struggling with a real mess and need support

(14 Posts)
Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 21:40:34

Hi all - First time posting here. I will try and make this short (could go into loads of detail and would take forever. I met a lovely guy, we married but from first week after marriage I saw a different side to him. DH has problems with self esteem, depression, anger etc. I could cope with a lot but the anger was something else. Shouting and getting extremely angry over nothing. Example - me - I think we have just driven up a one way street - DH slams on brakes puts car in reverse, brakes at top of street and shouts "look dick head, look at the markings on the road thats not a one way street" DH then continues to shout at me for a while, then drives in silence for over an hour and at end of journey behaves like nothing has happened. DH stopped work 6 months after marriage due to illness (mental health, depression). for next 18 months I was main earner, but shouting (most of time for no reason) continued. it was abusive and hurtful, I have DS from first marriage and I didn't want him effected and after a huge blow out in front of and targeted at DS I asked DH to leave.

that was a couple of months ago. I haven't heard from him though I do know he is getting councelling, I haven't heard from his family, nothing. I had told him I wanted him to get help and hopefully we could start again (he is unwell) but have heard nothing.

Its just crazy - I was supportive, main provider etc his family know I am upset and concerned about him but nothing. there was an initial bit of contact but nothing since.

finding it very tough

something2say Thu 28-Mar-13 21:48:10

Oh dear. What is it you are finding tough? I think you did the only thing possible actually, you couldn't have carried on like that. The no contact issue seems to be an extension of the whole weird behaviour thing, I mean who does that?

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 21:52:06

should also add, DH didn't want to have sex with though told me he found me attractive. I discovered on a few occaisions dh phoned and text sex chat lines, but told me he didn't want me touching him.

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 21:56:08

Hi something to say - I find the whole thing tough, what is going on, how is counselling going, I just find it hard that I am just totally blanked. have even wondered - was I actually married because I feel like I don't exist to DH and his family.

number41 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:13:10

It is weird and of course you are sad, how long where you married for? did he move out?
He is your husband and to be blanked out like that must be hard. BUT, he is the odd one, so try to focus in other things, do you have family.or friends around?

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 22:21:58

number41, married just short of two years, he did go though 2 nights before he left I went to speak to his parents - his dad told me he didn't want to leave but dh was still shouting at me telling me he is no longer married??? sad thing is that night his dad told me he didn't want him back at home with him but he didn't have any choice (father in law a bit frosty with me that night, I don't think he was pleased that I asked DH to leave).

Im not doing well on the focusing on other things even though I need to. Its just so weird, as if I don't exist. probably compounded by insults DH made towards me, and the lack of intimacy my own self esteem has taken a blow.

tallwivglasses Thu 28-Mar-13 22:30:39

This could be a whole lot worse. His parents could be threatening you, he could be harrassing you. I know it's weird and highly insulting but silence is golden, really.

You are best off without this man in your life. It feels a bit like a dream, but the reality of your future is a whole lot rosier. I wouldn't waste any more time trying to make sense of it, just be glad he did you the favour of leaving when he did.

number41 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:32:37

He told you he was no longer married?? deep mh issues. I suppose his parents think that because you married him, he was your responsability. Well he is not, specially if you have a son to protect. You say you are not good at contacting rl people; try, really, it will do a lot of good to you.

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 22:43:16

number41 - I have told very few people alot of what has gone on (I still want to protect DH as it is a mh issue). I find it hard to talk to people about it, who wants to keep hearing the same thing over and over??

number41 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:50:23

If you have good friends I am sure they wont mind. Same goes for your family? I hope you do have people that care for you enough to support you through this

number41 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:52:19

I have friends with issues going on for years qnd years, same issues, same partners. They are my friends and I am glad to be of help even if it only so they can rant

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 23:07:04

number41 thanks, much appreciated. I will try as I know I absolutely have to get back some sort of self. I also know that the way things were was not right, it is not right for a Dh to use anything I say and twist it to hurt me, it is not right when a DH calls you by your previous married name, or tells you he is afraid of you or doesn't like cooking with you because you watch him with your beedy eyes, its not right when a DH calls your DS names and is degrading about him (thankfully not while DS was present) it is not right when a DH shouts to deflect when he has been doing something he shouldn't or to just shout and swear at you for no reason. It is not right when DH does all this and then goes quiet and doesn't speak to you or apologise or acknowledge you are hurt because he ignores you as you cry your heart out silently.

number41 Thu 28-Mar-13 23:09:53

Was he like this before you married?

Iamreasonable Thu 28-Mar-13 23:25:23

No he wasn't, he thought I was the greatest thing that happened to him. I should say his first marriage only lasted a year and a half?? she left for another man, the major r/s before that didn't last long either, she left for another man. recurring theme but I am the one that wanted him to get help and I haven't left for another man nor will I nor do I have interest in another man only for him to get better.

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