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Terrified......of the future

(18 Posts)
notsurewhattodo23 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:42:40

Need some support here mums. Shortened version for anyone that hasn't read my previous posts.
Found out DP was cheating, told me he didn't love me 'like that' anymore.
5 weeks down the line still living together, him now avoiding me (we have a 2 yr old DS). I have strong days where I think fuck him I'm off, then days like today where I just don't know how I will manage without him.
We talked last night after he got in from the gym (3 hours a night now), he still can't decide if he wants to split. Told him it's not really just his decision to make.
I KNOW I should leave, I KNOW he's a prick, but stupidly I still love him and keep hoping he'll change his mind. Deep down I know he won't but the thought of all the upheaval and looking after my son on my own absolutely terrifies me to the point of anxiety. I work full time, have a very close friend who is great but no real family support. I know in time I will feel better but how can I stop thinking that maybe things will be ok.......
Feel like such a loser. I try to be strong and confident in front of him but always end up in floods of tears. I just can't bear the thought of being without him.
Dreading the 4 day weekend.
Kick me up the arse please............

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Mar-13 15:57:59

Why hasn't he moved out?

scaevola Thu 28-Mar-13 16:00:28

Don't leave e decision to him; you'll go mad waiting. For his timetable and it hands him a lot of control.

If you can, get him to leave. Either you're dealing with the inevitable, in which case you may as well get on with it, or it will be a big enough shock to him to make him truly contrite and desperate to reform himself to win you back.

A separation need not be final, but it can be a valuable opportunity to work out what you really want and whether he can be part of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Mar-13 16:10:58

"how can I stop thinking that maybe things will be ok......."

It's a huge mental readjustment to go from loving someone to not loving them. He's probably had quite a long time to weigh up the pros and cons, decide that you're not really his preferred choice, try out a few replacements and even come round to the idea that he might do you a favour & pick you back out of the trash... hmm

You've had five weeks. Outwardly he still looks and sounds the same only now he's withdrawn affection, not saying the right things, he's avoiding you and it becomes slightly nightmarish.... like one of those sci-fi/horror films where the person seems normal but has been taken over by some alien presence.

So something has to give... and I think part of that will be to find your anger and drop kick the insulting bastard out of the door. Once he's gone, once he is no longer in your face, you can start to properly adjust

Verbalpunchbag Thu 28-Mar-13 16:48:47

If he doesn't love you 'like that' anymore i'm not sure how the relationship can survive, it must be crushing to live with him for 5 weeks knowing that, while he goes to the "gym" for three hours a night. To save your sanity one of you needs to move out, try to be strong and make a plan and stick to it, you'll survive this.

goodenuffmum Thu 28-Mar-13 17:09:58

Oh notsure
My h told me in October that he didnt love me.

I too didnt have the heart to ask him to leave. Wise mnetters told me to kick him out, but I was heartbroken.

It took me until the end of January to reach my limit of his coldness and emotional detachment...I asked him to leave and he has been gone for a month now.

I was in limbo and I now know I couldnt start to work out what I needed and wanted while he was still there. I am calmer and working towards being happy.

I think I needed that time he was still in the house to get over the gut wrenching heart ache and to gather my reserves about me.

But...knowing what I know now, I would have packed his bags the night he told me no longer loved me. I would now be 4 months further along the road to healing.

Good luck xx

izzyizin Thu 28-Mar-13 18:16:20

Why would you leave and not him? Are you married and/or named on a tenancy/mortgage agreement for the property you live in?

notsurewhattodo23 Thu 28-Mar-13 18:59:54

We live in a house we both own but it's in his home town. I want to move back to mine to be nearer friends, family and my job. I need to get off the mortgage which can only be done if he has serious help from his parents.
Anyway, just had enormous row where apparently it's all my fault he's gonna lose his son, he hates me and wishes someone would cut my head off! Mmmmm not quite the charmer I imagined.
Really opened my eyes again though and made me determined to get this done asap. He's now fucked off to the gym for the rest of the evening. I'll put my son to bed now and can get a bit of peace.
What a wanker!

something2say Thu 28-Mar-13 19:19:04

Yes the quicker the better like ripping a plaster off.

I know you probably cant relate to this right now, not one day all of this drama will be behind you and boring.

You will be living a whole new life.

And you will meet another man who WILL love you like that. Remember dates? Falling in love? First kisses? All of that is before you.

If you are grieving, then lie down and grieve and let it all wash over you. But one day you will be alright and it may be sooner than you think.

Meanwhile how can you avoid him to the max while planning what you need to do and how you are going to achieve it???

notsurewhattodo23 Thu 28-Mar-13 19:31:10

I can't avoid him. He refuses to leave. He wants me to leave and leave my son with him. Never gonna happen.
It all kicked off tonight because I said I had seen a house I was interested in. Bought it home to him I suppose that I will be leaving.
What a shitty situation.

something2say Thu 28-Mar-13 19:43:21

No you mustnt leave, nor leave your son with him.
Time to ring solicitors and find out about their free half hour advice?
When I say avoid him, I mean try to avoid speaking to him. If the deed is done, let it lie. Stop sitting in the sitting room. Can you sleep in separate rooms?

Very sorry you are going through this. Have a good cry and then start to make the necessary changes maybe xxx

notsurewhattodo23 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:19:50

Well it's been an odd week. Arguments and tears here and there. Still sleeping in the same bed.
I asked him today 'what is our situation in your mind'. He looked bewildered and said 'you know what it is'.
I said people that share a bed are in a relationship so please clarify. I have spent the week still (stupidly) thinking we had a chance. But he said we are finished.
So I told him to move into the spare room tonight. He has gone round his mates for the evening, he said 'I will be late back is that ok?' Told him it's irrelevant now do what you want.
So it's over. Feeling strangely calm and looking forward to my new life with my little boy.
It's his loss. He is losing his family.
Oh and he can shove his mother's Easter lunch up his arse! He still expected me to go!
I'm sure I will crash at some point but feel ok.. . Is this normal?

Doha Sun 31-Mar-13 09:42:53

Well you have to follow through now don't you.

He has made it clear you are finished. Don't go playing happy families today at his mothers. Stop doing anything or him -washing cooking etc.
Go see a solicitor asap.

Helltotheno Sun 31-Mar-13 10:58:06

Glad to hear a bit of anger there op....dead right about him shoving mil Easter dinner up his arse: why the hell should you bother playing happy families?

Tell him you want him to buy you out. Stay detached and ignore him except for matters relating to the dc.

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 31-Mar-13 17:40:03

You will be ok.

I threw my ex out, after 22 years of marriage and four kids two years ago. A year before we split he told me he no longer loved me, but I thought that we could still make it work. When he told me again, a year later that he still no longer loved me, I fell apart, and posted on here for advice. (I was 'Saffysmum'). The advice I got was amazing, and the support helped me negotiate my way out of the nightmare. I started to feel better once I took control, and threw him out. I got a little dignity back along with the control. You cannot, for the sake of your sanity, live with this man for longer than you have to. Please after the bank holiday, get to a solicitor, or even CAB, who will point you in the right direction of a solicitor, whilst giving you basic advice.

You must not, under any circumstances, move out of the family home. If he can't buy you out, then the house could be sold and split 50/50. Or if you could get benefits and manage the mortgage, you might be ok to stay in it (I was, thanks to a brilliant solicitor). He is the one who wants out of the marriage, so let him leave. ASAP. Let him stay on a friend's sofa - go to his family, anywhere. But you must stay put, get legal advice, and lean on us to guide you through it. Day at a time, hour at a time if need be - but you can do this - so many of us have been through it, and it stinks, but believe me, nothing is worse than living with a cold, detached, emotional-less bastard. If I have any regrets, it's that I didn't chuck mine out the first time he told me he no longer loved me. Good luck xx

badinage Sun 31-Mar-13 17:59:06

Well you know he's not at his mate's or the gym and that he's with the OW he's been seeing, but the best thing now is to follow all the wonderful advice you've had and start living separately. The only reason he isn't volunteering to go himself is because OW is either living with another bloke or her parents.

DP was cheating, told me he didn't love me 'like that' anymore.

He wants me to leave and leave my son with him

WTAF? confused

Oh and he can shove his mother's Easter lunch up his arse! He still expected me to go!

Quite, op, quite.

notsurewhattodo23 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:50:32

Have been reading the posts on here since posting myself, in particular Losernomore and MrsSm's - what shits some men really are!
So where am I now?
Well i have bought myself a brand new house which i will be moving into in a few weeks time! Enrolled my DS at a new nursery which he starts soon (house and nursery both in the location i want to be in)
Still living with ExP at the moment and it's tough. Still have massive ups and downs but probably less downs as the weeks go by.
Still get very tearful as i still feel my future has been taken away from me but then realise that i need to create a new one.
Both looking forward to moving out and dreading it, but know once the break has been made I can start to recover properly.
ExP doesn't really say a lot, still gets stoned every night but once i have gone he really won't have any money to continue that and quite frankly will be living a sad and lonely life!
onwards and upwards ladies and if anyone is near Cambridge in a few weeks give me shout!

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