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Adultery and filing for divorce - do I really have to provide the lurid details?

(8 Posts)
DHtotalnob Thu 28-Mar-13 11:25:43

Reposted from divorce/separation in the hope of getting advice from people who have been there......

My STBXH had an affair and we separated last month. I want to file for divorce and adultery seems to be the appropriate reason to give. As for proof, I have an email he wrote to me after I first found out saying they had "fucked once". I also have an email from OW to him making it very clear she spent a night in the hotel with him after we split.

Alternatively, I could cite UB on a number of issues.

My questions are:

1 Do I really have to put down dates for the adultery? (As per the form guidance). This is hard enough as it is and I really don't want to know when it first happened as it's just something else to gnaw away at me. Is it sufficient that he absolutely confessed that he had (and clearly within the preceding 6 months of us seperating)?

2 Would it actually be better to use UB?? He is an alcoholic/ alcohol dependant / abuser or whatever he is (albeit high-functioning)and I'm hoping to get a provision in the contact agreements that he doesn't drink when he has DCs, and also that 50:50 access is absolutely not on the cards until he has addressed his drinking and the children are older (currently 1 and 4). I know that divorce petitions are not the place to settle scores, but could it actually be good to get the drinking mentioned early on?

I just want to say that we are both generally reasonable people and I have no intention to be difficult out of anger. I will be getting legal advice as soon as I can get time off work, but I'd be grateful for any views before then.


bobbywash Thu 28-Mar-13 11:36:11

no, you don't even need to name her.

scaevola Thu 28-Mar-13 11:37:36

You can use the date you discovered the adultery.

It might be best to run it past your solicitor. If he isn't going to dispute the adultery, it's probably simpler to go for that. You do not have to name a co-respondent.

DHtotalnob Thu 28-Mar-13 13:15:41

Thanks both!

MistyKnight Thu 28-Mar-13 14:10:26

As my exh wouldn't officially own up to the adultery I went for UB and put a summary of the compelling evidence of unfaithful behaviour in as one of the factors. Like you, there were plenty of other grounds too so it all went through with no problem. That way he couldn't contest it in any serious way and there was a limit to the lurid details. HTH.

cooper44 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:55:25

I think adultery is so much easier. He's admitted it and you have proof and as someone said above you don't need to name anyone else.
Having to write a list of UB and for your STBXH to have to read it is a pretty awful experience I think - even if the points are there for good reason. If you are both being amicable why stir up any unpleasantness. I wanted to file for adultery purely because that seemed like the most straight-forward option but OH still denying it even happened. Yawn.

cooper44 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:57:30

Sorry I just reread your post - had originally read it in divorce - and saw your points about drinking - in which case maybe it's good to have that noted. Def discuss with your solicitor.

nkf Thu 28-Mar-13 20:59:17

I think you just put adultery. And he admits it or doesn't contest it. I can't remember which.

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