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TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)

(219 Posts)
chocoreturns Wed 27-Mar-13 19:49:26

well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.

In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?

BerylStreep Wed 29-May-13 16:59:22

Hey everyone, this thread has gone very quiet. Choco, am I right in thinking that the baby is very nearly 1 year old? Where has the time gone?

Anyway, my beautiful Burmese kitten has gone missing - the nail varnish smashing one, so I am a bit worried about her. She didn't come in last night, wasn't around at breakfast, and still hasn't turned up.

Hope everyone is well.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 21:14:02

Yeah Choco, how's it going?

chezziejo Sun 12-May-13 21:42:35

Hi Choco how's things?

laffaminute Fri 03-May-13 06:12:56


SO pleased to read your last post. You've thought things through. That's the right attitude.

Hope you had a lovely breakfast grin

chezziejo Thu 02-May-13 21:43:52

Awww no sad did he give any decent reason as to why he cancelled? Just trying to really generous and give him benefit if doubt but its wearing a bit thin for you I know.
Did you keep in touch with the other nice guy? Gawd I'm a nosy cow arnt I . I'm am notoriously shit at advice but would it be worth putting everything into an email and actually spelling it out to him how it's made you feel. I know he's got a lot on but it might be the swift kick up the arse that bucks his ideas up. I know that you know him well but men sometimes are bloody oblivious to the obvious.

DoingItForMyself Thu 02-May-13 14:48:44

Choco, I agree that the idea of TOTGA was probably more appealing than the reality - it seemed so simple, tying up loose ends, resolving something left unfinished, not having to go through the hassle (and embarrassment!) of dating new unsuitable men etc.

Whereas the reality is that he is now someone with a huge amount of newly acquired baggage, which he had no qualms about dumping on you, who took what was on offer and then didn't have the decency to realise how much that changed things for you.

I'm not saying that he would never have been right for you, but not right now. The worry is that you will move on, meet someone new and he will get his shit together and come crawling back in a year's time, just as you have put him firmly out of your mind!

Let's hope that by then you will be so awesomely successful in your business and so happy in your personal life that you will see him for what he is, not what you always dreamed he would be.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 09:08:52

Chocolate makes an excellent occasional breakfast grin.

Enjoy your day.

chocoreturns Thu 02-May-13 08:31:35

I think you're right saffron the longer it goes between what happened and him not being in touch, the more I am realising that the idea of being with him may have been better than anything reality could offer. Yesterday I went out with a really lovely friend for lunch for her birthday, and we talked about the book - feel the fear and do it anyway, we were talking about taking charge of our lives really. I have been thinking about what that means wrt men, and I know that for my own sake I need to be willing to say no, that's not good enough, to any guy who doesn't respect me enough. It's not that they will all be bastards (and I still don't think TOTGA is, really) but that's not the point. If I don't raise the bar, even the reasonable guys will walk all over me. So I am raising it, and I am going to trust that someone awesome will be around the corner! I'm definitely not going to meet anyone awesome if I give all my attention to people who have nothing to give back though, am I?

Today DS1 has a trial at a preschool, we're getting ready to go and visit... I am so glad my life is extremely busy, it gives me next to no time to wallow! I would very much like a house elf to come and give me a hand... failing that, is chocolate an acceptable breakfast? grin

saffronwblue Thu 02-May-13 03:35:53

You know, I don't think he is the one that got away, I think he is the one who does not have enough to give you.

AgathaF Wed 01-May-13 16:56:08

That's a shame, but if his life is so complicated and unstable at the moment, then it's probably not the right time for you anyway.

Glad you're ok.

BerylStreep Wed 01-May-13 16:03:10

Oh dear.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 16:02:54

sod him then. who needs a friend like that anyway?!

chocoreturns Wed 01-May-13 15:59:10


I am ok, I have far too much on with work right now to worry about it. What will be will be etc. I'm going to do something really nice for myself this week and just be positive. Might go and get my nails done or something smile

Here's to finding the one who makes me a priority! <goes off to write cosmic order immediately>

themidwife Wed 01-May-13 15:08:38

Oh fuck him honey! His stuff is more important than yours obviously!

Onwards & upwards with more deserving men!!

getthegirladrink Wed 01-May-13 15:03:33

Is it too early to offer you wine?

chocoreturns Wed 01-May-13 14:52:09

thank you for all the good luck wishes though x sad

chocoreturns Wed 01-May-13 14:51:46

he cancelled...


it's not looking good!

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 11:58:11

Hiya! Another one adding that I hope the coffee and chat goes well today and that you can salvage something from it.

chezziejo Wed 01-May-13 11:43:09

Just off to work now but hoping coffee goes well today Choco.

Dozer Tue 30-Apr-13 17:34:59

Hi choco. Hope your coffee goes ok tomorrow.

I'm not normally kind-hearted or excuse-making about men behaving badly, but do feel sorry for TOTGA, know he hasn't been great recently, but think you said that his ex was witholding access to his DC, which must be really awful and all-consuming. He might also be scared that if his ex got wind of him entering a new relationship she could make things even more difficult for him, and not want to risk it.

That's not to say you should support him, you have a lot on your own plate! Not ideal to be in a counselling-type role if you have feelings for him, plus it'd be draining and you need all your energy! But maybe you could have a more distant friendship, and just see what happens in the future.

Yay for your mum!

skyebluesapphire Tue 30-Apr-13 10:51:35

twuntmail seems to take a lot longer to get through than normal email. my twunt takes three weeks to reply to something that I assume has already been sorted. (Dolly out of the pram because I wouldn't have DD back on his night, so that he could go out with his "friend" for her birthday. Because I was already going out and my mum was going out, I was being "awkward and difficult" that I wouldnt have her back for the night confused.

I miss DD like hell when she is with him, but it is a routine that I know now. I do enjoy having a lie in when she is with him and I enjoy a night out too.

Like you say, it will give you a break and they are nearby too now which helps. Once you get into a set routine with it, then you will all know where you stand.

chezziejo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:39:33

Hope it all goes well for you on Wed Choco. TOTGA is bloody lucky to have a mate like you. You can make your mind up after Wed about him but I think he's just probably got a lot on, not that it excuses some of his behaviour but I can at least understand it at this point. Have the twuntleton's emailed back yet? It's probably pissed right on their fire having kids overnight grin hope the kids cope ok with it all tho when it does happen. I know they are amazingly adaptable little things tho.

BerylStreep Mon 29-Apr-13 15:43:11

I'm really glad to hear you may be meeting up with TOTGA.

It would be lovely if you could maintain your friendship given you have known each other for so long, and there is obviously a frisson & affection between you. I know he acted like a scared rabbit in the headlights, but I think you should cut him some slack, if you can. From your description of him, he sounds like a really decent bloke, who has too much going on at the minute to contemplate developing things and could do with some improvement around his communication skills.

An overnight for the DC when T&T are nearby sounds much more doable, than if they were a few hours drive away. I know it was all discussed on the last thread that people get hacked off being told to enjoy their child-free time when DC are with the ex, but it is an opportunity for you to rest and catch up on doing your own thing.

chocoreturns Sun 28-Apr-13 18:06:32

I do all my sessions by phone or skype so I can work from home around the children smile it's really popular! No travel or costs for anyone involved, and I can work around evenings/weekends/lunchbreaks which really helps clients fit it in. I love it! I'm glad you enjoyed your session - obviously I'm a convert, it's always lovely to hear it's worked well for someone else.

TOTGA finally got in touch. We may have coffee on Weds, he sounds completely done in. Not sure what that particular conversation will be like, but I'm keeping an open mind. I'd really like to get the friendship back on track.

I emailed twunt about him starting to have the kids overnight... on friday. Still no reply! I'm so tired, I am feeling much more open to the idea these days. Plus, DS2 is 10months now (can you believe it?? Where did that time go??) and I feel much less anxious about him staying more than a few hours away.

BerylStreep Sun 28-Apr-13 15:43:30

Glad to hear your work thing is up and started.

I had a coaching session through work a few weeks ago, and it was really good. So I don't need a coach at the moment, but can thoroughly recommend it for anyone who has never tried it.

Choco, I did my coaching session online using Skype. I was a bit hmm about the idea at first, but got used to it quite quickly. Don't know if you are doing your sessions face to face or online, but perhaps a way of being able to reach more people?

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