Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)(219 Posts)
well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?
This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.
In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?
I broke. I emailed him (totga)
Said that I would appreciate clearing the air, or at least knowing that he intends to at some point. Feel like 10 years of friendship might evaporate in a puff of smoke if this becomes a rug sweeping exercise... some things you can't just ignore and carry on. I would rather talk, even if it's just to say 'nice idea, not the right time/not for me' so that we can pick up and carry on as friends at least. I am in no doubt that he is not in the right place for anything other than friendship right now anyway. But it hurts me that I feel to awkward to be his friend when I know he's unhappy.
feel pretty meh today.
I hope so. I think I have, I am not a 'sit on it until we can pretend it didn't happen' kind of girl. Also, if he popped up in a few weeks time saying something positive (which I think is hugely unlikely, but still) I would no doubt by then feel completely narked off with him and not in the mood to be friends anyway. I'm slightly cross right now, but not irredeemably so.
it's occupying too much headspace I know that for sure. So for my own sake I'd like to deal and move on.
And that's a bloody good reason. I would have done it too. Never managed to play it cool in my life, I want to clear the air, always!
How's your sleep, lovely Choco?
I have followed your threads with increasing amazement at
A) your grace in everything
b) the extent of twunts twuntiness
Both leave me astonished. If I had but half of your grace and dignity I'd be awesome.
You are amazing!
Sorry nothing actually helpful to add. I too am avoiding house work. Though I did mop the floor this morning as ds1 dropped a bottle of ribena.
Choco, how did your first day at work go?
As far as TOTGA goes, what will be will be.
Afternoon Choco hope work has gone well today at least. I honestly don't know how you keep your cool with Twunter. It begs believe. I think midwife has it spot on with TOTGA. He needs to sort himself out but hey if it's meant to be it will be. Time is a wonderful thing and he needs it at the moment [ smile]
How's the sleep going?
work is a little overwhelming. I am trying not to panic about my lack of income and just trust that you need to spend a couple of months building up business, it's normal not to be earning much in the first month or three... I hope?
Sleep is not marvellous but significantly improved thank you! We had 2 night wakings from bean yesterday, as well as an hours visit from sprout in my 'sharing bed'. I was awake due to overthinking for at least another hour which I could have done without.
So TOTGA replied. He said he appreciates a coffee and chance to clear the air would be good sooner rather than later. Also a bit about his XP - now she has decided he can't see his DS at all until she has reassessed how much contact is enough I can see a battle looming in their near future. I don't think there will be emotional room left over for anything other than solving this situation for a goodly long time. I've offered him a general hand holding, 'this too shall pass' type reply. Also pointed out that I was dangerously close to being pissed at him, so yes, coffee would be good if we are going to get back on an even keel. Sooner rather than later.
I think we can safely say any suggestion of romance for choco and totga is gone for the forseeable! May have to regroup and review next year. Or never. sigh
I hope the support would be mutual lovey - you've got alot on your plate without having to look after him too.
I won't be looking after him. I just want to have a relatively normal catch up with him so I can work out whether there is a friendship we can rescue there or not.
I feel like poo.
Going to make bottles up and go to bed.
I hope I wake up a bit happier
Night Choco hope you sleep and feel better for it.
Hey Choco, hope you do feel less like poo tomorrow.. Your friendship is still there if you want it to be. He's in a lousy situation, with no or very little control at the moment.
What happened with him the other night was an "interesting" development in your relationship but would say better at this stage to agree to shelve any discussion about what it means and just focus on being emotionally supportive for each other and get back to the ease you had with each other.
I think, to do that, you need to take the lead and tell him you're making an executive decision that any heavy duty chats about the other night are off limits, what will be will be and in the meantime you want your best friend back and hopefully vice versa, because right now you both need that far more than you both need a relationship and the complications which come from that.
You have to take the physical side of things out of the equation for the time being and remove any pressure you both feel about talking it all through.
You have a better chance of resuming comfort with each other that way and if things are going to develop in the right direction, they will be able to more naturally and at a manageable pace.
Don't despair or get despondent, Choco, you can reclaim your friendship but I think you have to take control, what he's going through is really harsh, imagine if tables were turned and Twunt had your boys and you could only see them at Twunt's whim.
I think it would be nigh on impossible to imagine giving anything else any focus under those circumstances?
Based on what you've told us about his situation, his need for emotional support and understanding might be greater than your need for immediate answers. Chances are he can't really give you any answers at the moment, although I know you're not seeking them as such and just want to clear the air. But sounds like you both need a strategy for clearing the air in a way that hopefully will really work and not be a superficial sweep under the carpet. What I'm suggesting might sound like there's a bit of sweeping involved, but it's more about acknowledging that it's too complicated and important to sweep aside so just for now give it a little resting home so you can get your friendship back on track within the context of what else is going on.
Let him feel completely comfortable with you again knowing that even if he doesn't get in touch with you for a few days, you are still completely there for him without expectation and judgment as a friend would be.
I know, this is much easier said than done but I suspect he won't stay away if he genuinely feels he can talk to you without any added what about us type complications.
The rest will flow if it's meant to and once he's got his contact sorted out and things are on an even a keel as possible you can see how things are between you.
At some point you may decide its too emotionally draining for you and unrealistic to suspend your expectation. Cross that bridge when you need to and in the meantime get your friendship back on track, I think it's possible to do that if you can see that what might be holding him back is not personal, it's circumstance.
As you know from your own situation, circumstances will change and he will get to a workable set up at some stage, even if it requires external intervention.
Am guessing that if Totga's ex got wind of you, she might make things even more difficult so that might be another factor at play for Totga.
Might have misunderstood but sounds like you haven't fixed up meeting him yet?
If that's the case, I'd send a message in the morning to say, having slept on it, you're making an executive decision on behalf of you both that for the time being, with everything going on, you're banning any discussion about the other night and you just want to see him to talk about what's happening with him at the moment as it sounds so incredibly shitty and suggest a time/place.
What do you think? Chances are you'll touch on "things" when you meet but this gives you a chance to be Choco, true friend at his low point, not Choco who was in danger of getting pissed off with him for not getting in touch with you after things got hot and steamy.
You're completely justified in being pissed off with him. I think he's been lame in not getting in touch with you more proactively but if it wasn't for what he's going through with his ex and lack of contact with his son, I'd say give him a wide berth and pull right back. But there do seem to be some extenuating circumstances and you'll be able to judge if the chemistry is still possible to retain after you meet up. I also think this is a way for you to protect yourself, take a step back and have more control over how things do develop so you can put the brakes on if things get steamy again and you're not convinced it's on the basis of a mutual interest in a relationship.
In my line of work, I often have to tell people to be more concise in their communication style but seems I need to take my own advice, sorry for marathon post! Hope you're feeling bit better..
Well said Cheese, I think he has so much on his plate at the moment that he can't think straight, which is in no way a reflection on you Choco, your worth or his feelings for you. Its not that "he's just not that into you" but rather that he's so 'into' what else is happening in his life that nothing else stands a chance.
Given how recently he moved out, he may be regretting what happened, solely because of the impact it will have on relations between him & ex for getting access sorted. If he sounds regretful don't take it personally.
It doesn't mean he won't want it to happen again or that he won't want more than that, but just that at this point in his life you can't be a priority, which is shitty but I guess that's being a good friend - accept that you're there when he needs you and don't pressure him when he has other things to sort out.
Works both ways of course and I'm sure he will be supportive of you and will welcome some distraction from his problems with tales of your business venture etc! On that point, are you claiming everything you can for being on a low income until you start earning more?
Agree with everything Doingit says (as usual). Hope you feel a bit better today.
hey all, I agree with you all - cheese thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful post. I know you are right, it's not necessarily a bad decision as a pose to massively bad timing. We have weathered some serious storms before. I am sure we can get through this one. I am a firm believer in trusting that you are where you are meant to be right now. I don't have a global perspective so how can I be sure than things falling apart aren't other things falling together... and every other cheesy platitude I can muster haha. Seriously though, I feel ok about it. I will remember that love is patient, and love is kind.
Speaking of which. Interesting turn of events today. T&T were meant to have the children today, and after 2 hours I was called to collect them because OW was off to hospital in an ambulance. When I arrived 10mins later to collect them, the ambulance still wasn't there (it truly is the arse end of nowhere) As it happened I had my mum with me, because we were spending the day together and she had car seats in her car. She is also a nurse with about 35years experience. I could hear OW crying in pain when twunt met me at the door, so I asked if he wanted my mum to take a look while they waited. He didn't but he asked OW, who definitely did. So I ended up waiting in their house with the children while my mum looked after a very poorly person indeed. Turns out she had a kidney infection and needed IV antibiotics in hospital today.
3 things passed through my mind. Firstly, what a twunt he is for taking the children over when she was so, so ill. She can't have suddenly got that ill in two hours so he must have known she wasn't going to be up to having the kids all day. Empathy override again. I was also pissed in case they had caught something nasty. Mum thought she may even have had meningitis she was in that much pain with a fever of 40+ How can he be such a dick all the time??
Secondly, I am really glad my mum was there, because twunt was as useful as a lemon and OW really needed some help. My mum was the consumate professional - despite detesting the pair of them, a patient is a patient and she was caring and kind. Which reminded me again of my favourite motto. Be kind wherever possible (it is always possible to be kind). I love my parents.
Lastly, I felt really sorry for her. When the ambulance took her out she looked so young and scared. Here she is, feckin miles from bloody anywhere, sick as a parrot and the only people to help her out were ME and my MUM. She must have had one hell of a reality check today. She was crying and saying sorry to me on her way out I felt really sad for the whole situation.
Not exactly the way I thought I would get to see the inside of their house or meet her again. Still, man plans and god laughs hey? I suspect it wasn't to twunts plan either. I could see he was massively uncomfortable with needing mums help, but at least he wasn't too proud or mean to accept it. The whole thing has left me feeling a bit philosophical. It's definitely humanised her for me - she is a bit more of a person in my mind now rather than a vile scrap of humanity. I did text to say I hope she gets better soon. Not that twunt will notice that!
i know the pair of them have behaved despicably but this episode shows up twunt for the shite he is.
By total contrast, for your mum - can see where you get your nice nature from.
oh choco, you are so lovely, you and your mum.
And wow, that is one abusive man. I'd always thought of him as a twunt... but he really is something worse, isn't he? You are so well rid, not that I need to tell you that... and thank heavens your lovely boys have YOU as their primary role model and influence.
Well done Choco - massive karma points earnt there!
It's another reminder that she has been totally manipulated by twunt & although she is by no means blameless HE is the driving force.
Well done to your mum and you. Humanity and compassion wins the day.
Poor OW though. Like you say she can't have been up to having the kids today and he probably put pressure on her to do so and she had no choice.
You reap what you sow don't you....
Join the discussion
Please login first.