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TOTGA (or, choco gets a life!)

(219 Posts)
chocoreturns Wed 27-Mar-13 19:49:26

well, it would be rude not to, wouldn't it?

This will be the least interesting thread opener in the history of mumsnet to anyone who hasn't seen my earlier threads, for which I apologise. I've managed to fall off the end of another one though, so here I am. For the tiny minority of you who actually care and know what TOTGA is, I promise that if and when there is anything to report, it will be posted here first.

In the meantime, anyone want to start a general stitch and bitch to while away the time?

chocoreturns Fri 05-Apr-13 12:25:52

normal communication has resumed. I am not going to suggest meeting up/or (god forbid) 'talking' to him. There have been a couple of chatty texts back and forth so I am going to leave it to settle for a few days. He's allowed to freak out. God knows I would have done if it weren't for you lot to come and prattle on to. My friends in RL would think I was bonkers if I tried to tell them all the ins and outs of my thinking like I do on here! He does seem a lot calmer today. He has his little boy with him, which I think helps a great deal.

Part of the emotional storm he has going on is that his ex and son (despite being separated since Aug, including one or both of them staying with family away from the house they shared during that time) have only recently moved out of the family home. I can imagine how desperately sad he feels being in their house without him, or any of his DS stuff. His ex took every single thing that belonged to their son with her, including photographs of him (all of them) when she left. Now she doesn't want to let their little boy sleep over in case it upsets their DS...

I know how she is feeling. I have tiny children too, and it breaks my heart to be away from them. It feels frightening to send them off to their dad and 'give up' my time with them. It hurts more than I can describe to do that anyway. But they aren't possessions are they? It's not fair to try and erase their other parent (no matter how much you dislike them in the moment). Unless they are dangerous, obviously.

Even with everything that I've been through with twunt, I've never wanted to pretend he isn't their dad or keep the boys from knowing him. I'm not being holier than thou about it - it's fucking awful going through a break up with children involved. Even a 'good' one, with no bad behaviour on either side must be crucifying, as theirs clearly has been. From the outside looking in, it's clearly really early days for their new routine and I'm going to make absolutely sure I support him as a friend without putting the pressure on at all.

Bloody hell though, does make me want to give him a great big hug.

Midwife99 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:37:10

Well I guess you are one of those who believes that the kids come first & we must swallow our pride, grit our teeth & remain civil & encouraging of our kids' relationship with their Dad no matter what (apart from abuse or danger obviously!!).

She is obviously from the other "he hurt my feelings by rejecting me so I will punish him by making his relationship with his child difficult" camp.

Hopefully things will settle down & as she starts a new life will come to enjoy some nights off herself.

You are fab honey to be so patient & understanding thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 05-Apr-13 15:40:10

He is plainly hurting and if he is a decent guy who won't mess her about I hope his ex relaxes sufficiently to let him have ready access to his DS. Nothing worse than people using the emotions surrounding DCs to score cheap points.

bamboozled Fri 05-Apr-13 16:55:21

You are so kind and understanding - there should be a huge amount of good karma coming your way!

cheeseandpineapple Sat 06-Apr-13 01:52:50

Ah, Choco, you've come such a long way from your initial posts before Bean was born. I'm in danger of repeating myself but you're the ultimate Phoenix and T is fortunate to have you to help him get through his ashes.

Dare we ask how things are with other T&T at the moment? Totga has been a great distraction, hoping that means things are on a reasonably even keel with them?

chocoreturns Sat 06-Apr-13 08:31:37

well... T&T are moving today. So I guess I'm enjoying being distracted as well. They will see the boys tomorrow pm and then we're in the 'brave new world' of having them around the corner. I am not thrilled at all, but I am trying to think of the benefit to the boys (never having to be more than 10mins from home, still being able to do weekend rugby clubs etc, no 3 hour car journeys looming in their future...)

I am trying to take a keep calm and carry on stance. Nothing changes until it changes you know? I refuse to have a meltdown or panic just because they relocate. After all, this is MY hometown and I am happy here. What do I have to be scared of? I imagine OW must (or at the very least should) have a great deal more to worry about turning up on my doorstep.

getthegirladrink Sat 06-Apr-13 08:35:56

Ah mate sad how shitty. No advice really, just offering a virtual hand hold and brew x

Midwife99 Sat 06-Apr-13 08:56:56

Well T&T are the newbies not you so worry not. As you say all it means is less travelling & hopefully more contact for the boys. You as always will rise above it while they sink lower

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 06-Apr-13 12:11:39

There goes the neighbourhood!

But honestly choco it is your hometown and you have no reason to scuttle around where you normally go - from the practical point of view, far more useful than them living under a rock miles away from you.

blackcurrants Sat 06-Apr-13 13:55:00

Absolutely - and you can do a wry smile at the stupid attempts to mess with your head, and concentrate on how good it will be for your boys to have a simple setup with their home and their dad's home not too far away.

Everyone in town knows he's a prick, after all - remember what the midwife said! smile

bamboozled Sat 06-Apr-13 18:50:36

Aww, fuckity fuck.. But you are so amazingly strong you'll get thru this too. It makes a huge difference to the kiddos too, to not have to spend hours in the car each weekend. I hated it when the fuckwit moved closer, but everyone still knew he was the fuckwit and the general opinion was even more on my side...
Hope tomorrow isn't too horrible for you.
Mine are off for a whole week with fuckwit now, the house is awfully empty with just me and Dr Bamboozled, who is telling me its too early to plough my way thru the wine - spoilsport!!

skyebluesapphire Sat 06-Apr-13 23:09:05

not nice having them on the doorstep, but like you say, from DS' point of view, it will make life a lot easier for them.

like you say as well, this is your hometown, so dont feel intimidated by them. and you can always move if you really want to. I hear John O Groats, Scotland, is quite nice, if a little cold grin

chezziejo Sun 07-Apr-13 16:01:41

Afternoon. Just checking in to see how are you are Choco. I bet it's a bit of a weird weekend for you really what with T and T moving. How's the texting going with TOTGA?

chocoreturns Sun 07-Apr-13 17:11:07

silence on the TOTGA front. Not sure whether to just leave it, or text him myself. I would like to have a coffee and clear the air, at the very least... but I don't want to heap pressure on (even unintentionally) at a difficult time.

T&T being here makes me feel very sick. I've been trying to be cool with it. But the basic reality feels shit. She didn't come to collect the kids today, nevertheless Twunt felt the need to announce how she was at home making a lovely cottage pie for the children and wouldn't it all be fabulous for DS1 to go and see his new room? etc etc. SIL popped round yesterday to see the kids too and told me how OW has been terribly excited about making a home for them all here, and can't wait to decorate etc etc. Twunt has other ideas, and says it's ridiculous to over invest in a rental... yes, well that sounds familiar. As it happens, I know that twunt has sourced their furniture from the local tip recycling plant, no doubt proclaiming how marvellous and 'functional' it is. She'll be lucky to persuade him to ever replace it (his mean-ness was one of my principle gripes, and turned into full on FA when he used to tell me what a horrible, materialistic person I was who 'ruined' his home by decorating it hmm then refused to allow me access to my own money to finish a job, ever, leaving us living in a bit of a shithole at all times).

I realise that history will no doubt repeat itself and she isn't going to be having a wonderful time with him always. But for now it just feels like the farce of their little family home is being played out under my nose, and she is the darling little pet making it all so beautiful for him angry. He actually refers to her by a pet name to me, which is fucking weird. SIL did say though that she clearly has made it her entire life's purpose to pander to him (no doubt to prove how much better a little wifelet she is than I could ever have been!). If she's content to do that ad infinitum no doubt they are much better matched than he and I ever were.


It was never going to be a good weekend, was it?


skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Apr-13 17:17:24

Oh dear. He is one screwed up Twunt isn't he, using the same pet name.....

Like you say, you are better off out of it and she will find out for herself in good time. Not your problem any more thankfully.

I know it's hard , XH sent me a picture of DD's room and bed etc and while it was very pretty, it just hurts to see it.

It's nice that she wants to make a home for them as obviously that's better than being mean to them but always remember, they are not her kids , they are yours and nothing will ever change that.

DoingItForMyself Sun 07-Apr-13 17:39:27

You know exactly how it will all end up for them, don't waste another minute imagining their cosy little set-up as you know full well the malice that is behind it all, its a facade and that poor silly cow doesn't realise it yet.

Let her continue to slave away cooking nutricious food for your little ones and twunt can carry on proving that he's Disney dad of the year. The boys can only benefit from this pretence of perfect family life and then they get it all for real when they come home to you!

As ever my hypocritical advice is to play it cool with TOTGA. So tempting to contact him, but he knows where you are. You are fabulous and don't need to do any running - any man worth his salt knows that and will not let you get away without a fight. Just give him time and space - he probably has lots going on this week too.

Be cool! xx

Midwife99 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:27:35

Yes my lovely - you are REAL, she is fake & has absolutely no idea what the reality will be poor cow
Of course you feel shaken - this is in your face just when you're having an emotionally testing time with TOTGA.
I just know that a really good future will be yours, whatever it is. Meanwhile we are here to hand hold thanks

chocoreturns Sun 07-Apr-13 19:21:10

thank you guys smile I am v glad I have here to have a wee vent. I am not going to contact TOTGA. He needs his space, and honestly, I think I do right now too. I don't feel much up to hearing about someone else's crappy situation when I am still feeling so raw about my own. Some days I can see that good future, on others it just seems so far away.

I am staying with mum and dad tonight, which helps. Back in the bosom of the best 'rentals in the world smile kids both asleep. A bit of TLC and an early night is on the cards for me. Plus, a proper shower in the morning without a 2yo audience! YAY for my parents!

bamboozled Sun 07-Apr-13 19:21:59

Oh, poor you - just kerp remembering, whatever ganes he Is playing, he'll never be able to keep up the pretence of being nice for ever, and you are not stuck with The Twunt anymore, she is...

BerylStreep Sun 07-Apr-13 20:22:19

Not nice to have your nose rubbed in it, but you are right, it is a farce - let them get on with it. Thank the lucky stars it's not you anymore, and your money is yours to do what you like with.

His pet name wouldn't happen to be turtle, would it? grin

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Apr-13 20:37:46

. Some days I can see that good future, on others it just seems so far away.

I know the feeling, but fingers crossed its out there for all of us.

Don't get involved with the dramas of TOTGA, like you say, you have enough of your own, although hopefully not too many ahead of you now! If he needs a friend he knows where you are.

AgathaF Sun 07-Apr-13 21:39:27

Focus on the positives (nearer for the children travelling there, less worry about him driving them long distances etc), and try to place the horrible feelings and thoughts about them moving closer into a little box with a lid in your mind. Close the lid gradually.

chocoreturns Tue 09-Apr-13 13:53:59

thanks guys. I have a rather sinking feeling TOTGA is going along the lines of 'he's just not that into you'. No call or text for 5 days is not a good sign, however stressful his life is right now. If he was that into me, he'd be calling to talk to me about it. So I am fairly resigned to that one for now. Certainly not going to be buzzing around him like a fly.

My DS1 woke up crying this morning and asked to speak to daddy (he had a nightmare) so I let him call (it was just after 7am, not horrendously early). His father picked up, heard his voice and hung up!! Then text me 4 hours later to say I think DS has worked out how to use your phone, he rang me at 7.12am. I've replied, yes he did, he was upset and wanted to speak to you after nightmare. Did you hang up? (did not add the TWUNT at the end that I was thinking.) No reply. The really sad bit? When DS heard his father hang up on him, he just looked at me and said, 'Oh, daddys not sleeping. I don't want him now mummy actually.' (actually is his new favourite word).

I'm tired enough to feel perpetually sick today, as well as quite cross.

getthegirladrink Tue 09-Apr-13 13:58:16

Ugh, he really is a total tool isn't he? Makes me angry and sad at the same time, LORD alone knows how much he must make you levitate with rage.
TOTGA. Hmmm. I have come to the conclusion that men cannot multitask. Practically or emotionally. So leave him to it, props for being so level headed about it.
Is it too early for wine?

blackcurrants Tue 09-Apr-13 14:03:20

Oh choco! sad
I hate that man. You are doing a great job rising above it all, I will just be over here, nailing studs into a chair leg and muttering darkly.

DS 1 is having lots of nightmares atm. DS 2 woke every 90 minutes last night, for his own special reasons... So I am so tired I have no emotional filters.

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