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H in pieces, how does it affect DS?

(46 Posts)
catkin14 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:30:53

As per my other threads, left my EA H of 27 yrs 3 weeks ago.

H is devastated, in pieces, his world has ended he says, he has changed totally in 2 weeks he says. Why couldnt we have talked he asks, when i have told him many times i cant talk to him because he doesnt want to hear what i say or he criticises what say.

He has now emailed me to tell me our 14 yr old DS, who is with me, is so upset because we are not together anymore and just wants us back together etc...

My DS seems to be ok, i have asked him how he feels, and he talks to me as much as a 14 yr old does. He has said its a bit odd being with just his dad when he sees him and that things are different but he is now with his friends and near his school so is happy with that.

I have asked H to try to be a little less emotional when he sees him, that this is not DS problem but H doesnt seem to be able to control his emotions. This is a man that 3 weeks ago was cold to the way he treated others. That was always their problem, not his.

I am very confused, i dont want to adversely affect my DS who is a lovely boy, but dont want to be with a controlling H anymore : (..

How do you know if a 14 year old is suffering if they dont say??

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 27-Mar-13 16:36:28

I think you just have to keep talking or at least let him know that he can talk to you any time he wants, and give him lots of reassurance.

Your husband had plenty of opportunity to make changes. Seems to me that this is really more just an attempt at manipulating you.

Do not let him do this to you. Your 14 year old boy would be more adversely affected by being shown that this is how a man treats a woman! You are showing him that it is unacceptable. He needs to know that, it is important for his future relationships!

And more than that - you have the right to not live in misery. You have taken control from your ex by leaving. He's going to try every manipulation in the book to try to get you back. Not because he wants you, particularly, but because you're his property.

That doesn't have to be your life. You're out. I think it would be a mistake to walk back into the trap when you managed to wrestle your way out.

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:36:41

There is a poster up in the place where i go for counselling - it describes exactly wht your H is doing. He is emotionally blackmailing you - its just more abuse really isn't it. That and using his son to do it as well. I don't know your back story but reading this tells me that you have done the right thing by leaving. He is not a changed man, he has just changed his tactics

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 16:36:51

It is a very low trick to use a child in this way

He is certainly pulling out all the stops isn't he ?

It is a continuation of the emotional abuse, except this time he is dragging your ds into it too

Love, he is giving you more reasons to make the split permanent, not fewer

Talk to your son. Without giving him all the gory details, make it clear his father is a poor husband but he can still be a good dad (although he needs to stop using your son in this way to fulfil that description)

bestsonever Wed 27-Mar-13 16:38:10

Think the point is that your H is the one emailing you with this, but your DS is not the one saying it. Just treat it as more EA from your ex. It's just another tactic he's using to try and get you to do what he wants ie put up with him for more years. Contemptible emotional blackmail, ignore and move on with your own happier life :-)

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-Mar-13 16:39:53

It's to be expected and part of the act. It's a guilt trip, blame game, manipulation and all about control. My ex does it still from time to time...turns up in tears...he's so depressed, he wants to kill himself, he's lost everything...blah blah blah....

Ignore it. Reacting will only encourage him.

My response is if it's that bad you need to see someone who gives a shit a doctor.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 27-Mar-13 16:40:00

It does look like he's clutching at straws.

You did the right thing! I hope he gives the game up sooner rather than later thanks

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-Mar-13 16:41:41

Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink... wine

Lueji Wed 27-Mar-13 16:42:44

I think the key words here are "he says". hmm

Regarding the 14 year old, you can judge by his behaviour. How does he seem to you?
Is he polite and considerate towards you? Has he become withdrawn or aggressive in any way?

Lueji Wed 27-Mar-13 16:44:00

Has he threatened to kill himself yet? Your ex.

You could play ex-twat lotto.

catkin14 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:45:14

Thanks all. Its what i thought but after so many years of it I always think I am now in the wrong. To the outside world H is a jolly nice chap but not behind his own front door. So i question my every move atm : /

All of H's email to me was about him and how he is feeling and he will never be the same again and he can guarantee he has changed, but yes, he did have many years to be a good husband/father. He seriously underestimated how far a little kindness would go.
Thanks again

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 16:45:29

Stopped washing ? His clothes are unkempt ? Wears a hangdog expression ? Can't see the point of living ?

< dabs bingo card >

catkin14 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:47:10

DS seems pretty much the same, a little sad at times but still polite and helpful.
ExH has said that life not worth living anymore but not said the S word! yet..

catkin14 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:48:54

Def hangdog expression!! funny sort of grey colour, crying a lot. Eating more not less..
Dont know if hes washing, not with him, has to wear a suit for work and i think his mother is washing his shirts..

cjel Wed 27-Mar-13 16:49:09

If you are sure that ds is really ok, then tell Xh that he has to control his feeling around DS or he won't like spending time with him.

Lueji Wed 27-Mar-13 16:54:52

Sorry, ex-bingo.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 27-Mar-13 16:55:07

All of H's email to me was about him and how he is feeling

There you have it. It's all about him, always was, always will be. Just be glad you're out & ignore his antics as best you can. Hope your DS is ok.

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-Mar-13 17:15:59

"but he is now with his friends and near his school so is happy with that"

For most teenagers I know, being with their friends is by far THE most important aspect of their life. The hassles with their parents are often around how this interferes with them seeing their friends/doing what they want to do.

TBH I don't think 14 year olds necessarily see separation and divorce as the huge deal that we make it out to be. They basically want all the hassle and shouting to stop, for their parents to get the hell off their cases and stop trying to psychoanalyse them or use them in the arguments and they want to be left to get on with THEIR lives, preferably knowing where they left their school bag and safe in the knowledge that their next meal will be arriving and put down in front of them as usual.

Separation is not the stigma it used to be and kids get support from their friends who have been through similar. I'm not saying that there is no disruption or heart-ache for them...but they can deal with it. Don't mean to be flippant but keep making his tea, nagging him to tidy his room, let him have his friends round and to go out as usual and keep on at him to stick in at school. Chances are he'll be fine.

Your ex is making a big drama where there isn't one in order to heap guilt onto you. You're not going to stop being a good parent cos he's in a different house now. Your DS might well find it awkward being alone with his Dad cos he's not really used to having that much direct contact with him. He's at an age where parents are really pretty much in the background most of the time.

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 17:24:00

if you have a 14 yo that is "polite and helpful as he usually is" you can be fairly sure he isn't undergoing some massive emotional trauma

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 17:29:07

You should buy your DS the classic 'Diary of Adrian Mole age 13 3/4'. Slightly different circumstances (Adrian's mum moves out with her lover) but some of the descriptions of both parents' toe-curling behaviour post split might help him put Hangdog Dad into perspective. ....

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 17:32:43

that is genius cogito

the situation is far from funny, but a bit of humour wouldn't go amiss, tbh

at this age, parents are mostly toe curlingly embarassing

OP, I think you are overthinking this, really I do

tribpot Wed 27-Mar-13 17:37:57

Yes, Mole is genius! And sooo deflating for Mr My-World-Has-Ended.

catkin14 Wed 27-Mar-13 18:22:06

Thanks all.
DS as a small boy had a good relationship with H, more recently not as DS could never be right either, H would tell him not to argue with him as he could never win..this has all been forgotten in the fall out of course. And i am not stopping him seeing his dad or as much contact as he wants. But despite H being 'devastated' he never phones DS to talk to him.

Cogito - brilliant idea, in fact i think i will read it myself!

Eggy - you are right, i overthink everything, thats why its taken me 27 years to leave!! All ideas on how to not overthink appreciated!!

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 18:33:44

Keep coming to MN, of course smile

Anniegetyourgun Wed 27-Mar-13 18:38:28

There's nothing deep and subtle about what he's doing. He's telling lies, that's all. He says your DS is devastated when the kid is standing right next to you looking perfectly well and cheerful. All the evidence is against it, and yet you can't help thinking "but maybe...?" You've spent nearly 3 decades believing that he must have a point when he swears that black is white; well, now he's gone you can revel in its glossy blackness and stop trying to convince yourself there might be a hint of white somewhere, or ought to be. The man is a liar as well as an abuser. It's simple when you see it from the outside...

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