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If your parents are narcs/emotionally abusive, do you see similar behaviour in your siblings?

(11 Posts)
Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 15:16:11

I've just got back from a bloody difficult weekend with family. DP and I stayed near my sister for 4 nights, had dinner with my parents on Saturday night, couldnt' handle seeing them for any longer (both narcs).

My sister and I have some fun together - we're both interested in clothes and make-up and similar TV shows and what have you. We sometime have enjoyable conversations about these things. However, I feel like I am not allowed to have any opinion that is different to hers, not allowed to have any feelings at all and am frequently made to feel like a pain in the ass and drama queen by her. We had a conversation one day about how I don't eat red meat - she was giving me grief for it and I said that I did eat some white meat but was mostly veggie. She said she couldn't dream of doing that as she would miss steak too much, I was thinking 'Jesus, all about you as usual!' but said 'well that's why it's great that everyone has such different diets!'. She gave me the filthiest look like I'd just said the most idiotic pathetic thing ever. She was also quite rude to my DP on a couple of occasions when he expressed an opinion that she did not agree with.

I'm very low contact with my parents and brother and now I'm thinking I will have to go the same way with her sad She makes me feel bad about myself, I get no emotional support from her whatsover - she knows I'm on ADs for depression and anxiety but didn't ask how any of that is going at all. I don't know if she's a narc too or if she's just learned to copy some of my parents' awful behaviours and isn't aware of the impact it has on others.

Handholding and any advice appreciated - thanks smile

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 27-Mar-13 15:47:14

DH's DF is very like this but DH and SIL have gone the other way. Both eager to please and don't like to be seen not to have done right by others. SIL is the best you could hope to have. I think it helps that MIL was a lovely, if opinionated, type and they learned from her.

Having two parents like that must have been hard on you and your sister. Maybe you went one way and she went the other.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:49:16

Lotta piano - as you know from my other post my parents have been very cruel. I have a sister who still lives with mum and it is exactly how You describe with mine. Never asks questions, expects me to call, see her all the time. She basically has copied my mum. The sad thing she is a double of my mum now and she's only 19. She's rude and all the things you describe. Only ever agrees with mums opinion. Even if mum was in the wrong she would still say it was my fault. Does your sister see your mum and dad a lot?

Weareanormalfamily Wed 27-Mar-13 15:52:54

YES, definitely. I think my dad was a narc, my mother more the enabler. My sister is definitely code red narc and I'm a pathetic enabler, or codependent, depending on what you read.
Unfortunately sis has MS and tries to suck me in with that. If I don't respond appropriately she will patronize me as I tend to get very anxious. I'll be the silly one that has no idea about anything. It's then though that I see she is very capable of looking after her affairs herself and doesn't really need me, except as general dogs-body (she has carers, btw).
I'll be willing to organize things for her, shop etc, but if I tell her about stuff in my life she will be nasty, laugh at me condescendingly, 'god I'm such an idiot.' No way would she listen to me or show actual empathy.
If all victims of narcs hold hands we will soon circle the globe! Xx

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:59:25

I'll hold your hand. Do you think it's a common theme that people who have had narcs/ bullies as parents / siblings, end up with panic, depression, anxiety etc as I have been on ads before too.

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 16:06:19

'The sad thing she is a double of my mum now and she's only 19'

Same here Bedtime1. I feel that my sister is becoming more and more like my mum, to me she's even started to look more and more like her. To her credit, she said she is thinking of seeing a counsellor as she feels that she does behave like our mum in her relationships. I remain to be convinced as to whether this will actually happen but that's up to her.

'No way would she listen to me or show actual empathy.'

Same here. I feel it's impossible to have a relaxed chat with her, just to let a bit of unimportant chit chat ebb and flow. She jumps down my throat regularly (or it feels like it at least) and has no issues about saying really dominating things like 'shut up', 'relax', 'chill out', 'get a grip' when she doesn't agree with me. angry To be honest, I feel like she has no interest in me or in my life, in the same way that my parents are only interested in what they can get out of me. It's sad and also very angry

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 16:09:05

'Do you think it's a common theme that people who have had narcs/ bullies as parents / siblings, end up with panic, depression, anxiety etc as I have been on ads before too. '

I have read that this is often the case because growing up around narcs/bullies, you learn to doubt yourself constantly, to feel that you have got things wrong, that everyone knows better than you do, that you are worthless etc. It's very hard to stop undermining yourself. So you have a feeling, deep down you know that you're right, but you can't stop this hideous undermining nasty voice from ripping yourself to shreds. Hence the horrible panic, anxiety etc.

My therapist told me that my decision to take ADs was part of a pattern I had learned - my feelings/opinions/thoughts always got me into so much trouble that I have learned to put them away, shove them in a box and close the lid quick. She's right sad

WorriedNarcMum Wed 27-Mar-13 16:47:12

Yes I think siblings end up playing out roles. I just posted on a different thread about worrying I have narc tendencies. I was golden child, my sister was scapegoat. This had a profound and damaging effect on our relationship all through our teens and twenties. It's only now that we're mid and late thirties that we have started to build a relationship but even now it gets strained very quickly. I'm actually very supportive of her now because I can see how hard it was for her to be scapegoat and live in my golden child shadow. It was wrong and unfair but she was pigeonholed early on by our narc grandmother. The flipside is that on the one hand she is very supportive of me but she also can't resist crowing a bit when I 'fall down' as it's nice for her to be the golden one for a change! It's annoying but understandable!

As for the anxiety and depression - yes. I had some problems with anxiety when I was younger probably because I was so controlled and smothered that I never learned to stand on my own two feet. However getting older has taught me resilience. My sister on the other hand has ongoing problems with anxiety and depression, probably because she underachieved massively when she was younger. She's back in education now and doing well so I hope this will give her more confidence.

BTW our parents love us greatly but they have their own issues and don't seem to have the self-awareness of them.

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 16:52:44

'BTW our parents love us greatly but they have their own issues and don't seem to have the self-awareness of them'

I would respectfully disagree with the 'love' part smile I don't feel like my parents love me at all. I don't think it's possible for a narcissist to truly love anyone. They certainly don't accept me for who I am and to me that's a huge part of truly loving someone.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 18:26:56

Lotta - this might be brief as I am on my phone but I echo that I don't feel loved at all! I remember telling my mother in law this. She doesn't know much about my family and one day she asked me if I was okay and I broke down In tears. I'm not okay really but still I didn't tell her too much. She said your mum loves you and came up with a reason why which was when my dog went missing and she came to help! She didn't even get out of the car, spent most of the time moaning and even hinted at me giving her petrol money for driving to come and help find my dog. She also is very competitive so probably only came because husbands side and his sisters came! Doesn't want to look bad etc. not any understand it at all and my husbands mum can't comprehend not loving a child.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 18:34:29

I know what you mean! Your feelings don't matter so you feel you have no voice. Things that hurt your told " get over it" , your sensitive. Your overreacting . I guess these words quieten us down ! It made me laugh what you said about your sister . My sister regularly spouts my mums drivel.

Feeling on edge isn't nice. How often do you see your family? How many brothers/ sisters do you have? I have one whose 19, and an older sister

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