Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone else feel as though there parents seem jealous/ bitter towards them?

(14 Posts)
Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:02:33

I would never have thought a dad could be jealous of his children. It's hard to think a mum would be because it's a parent.
I'm really fed up of my parents. They are divorced. Mum has a partner she's been with about 8 years. Dad is single but dating. No matter what I do it's not good enough.

He's always nit picking and digging.. Trying to get a rise out of me / wind me up, therefore can end up in arguments. . I struggle with anxiety so find it hard to travel far. Last night he had to be cruel and say to me you can't go out and you can't go anywhere . It's like goading me. It gets to the point of being cruel. I am married and we are doing okay financially and this seems to play a part.

Last night in a text he said "he hopes he's still around to see my Good luck turn to bad luck, haha! ". I feel stressed and pressured. How can he look forward to his daughters downfall?

When I was a child at 15/16 and about 8 half stone. He'd call me BIG BESSY and Fat Bessy and say it in a mimmicky voice.

I have bent over backwards to help my dad. In a way being a parent and not the other way. He's never been a parent. I helped him out of awful conditions when my mum left him for another man. Even when I was suffering myself, because mum moved us about all over the place and moved men In after a few weeks. It was awful. I had to look after my younger sister. No one was really there for me. I was always depressed and anxious.
My dad said many nasty things when he split with mum and called me a prostitute like my mum and a slag. He cut me off for 4 years and I still kept trying to get in touch and keep contact. Why did I put up with so much abuse? I just wanted to make him happy. I settled it in my mind that he had a breakdown but now I see that it wasn't true as fast forward 12 years and he still treats me badly and expects everything from me but gives nothing!

I am upset today and feel angry. Sometimes I feel intense anger as this is been going on years. He never says he loves me and gets in a mood if I say I've been out for a meal or have good news.

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 15:08:23

His behaviour sounds absolutely horrendous Bedtime1. It sounds like he has been emotionally abusive to you for a very long time. Those things he said to you and the names he called you are sickening. Feeling angry is a very understandable and reasonable response to this kind of behaviour.

Please don't be harsh on yourself about wanting his approval. It's often the way when you have had an abusive relationship with a parent. Have you heard of FOG? It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt - 3 things that abusive parents train you to feel to keep you where they want you.

My parents are both narcissists and say hurtful things or ignore me when I share positive things with them. It's terribly hurtful and makes me absolutely furious. I understand how you are feelings. Have a look on the 'But We Took You to Stately Homes' thread on the Relationships board - there are loads of us who have had similar experiences and you will get loads of support.

thanks

moonabove Wed 27-Mar-13 15:10:31

That's really crap ((hug))

Both your parents have massively let you down, as you know. You've got your own life now and it's time to cut your dad out of it - it is NOT your responsibility to make him happy or to make him care about you, he sounds like a very screwed-up individual.

Have you ever had counselling of any sort? That might help to start dealing with the anger - I'm not surprised you are angry after what you have been through but you don't want it to rule and ruin your life.

Time to set yourself free.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:55:43

Thank you. I like the " it's time to set yourself free" that's how I feel chained in a way. Always pleasing even when they bully. They leave me feeling guilty like its all my fault.

I have had counselling a few years ago. Had Cbt a few months ago but it was a different approach. No talking really involved more trying to tackle my anxiety/ panic attacks.

I have heard of fog. I hope one day I will be set free. Can live on. I don't seem to be able to maintain a relationship with them as it always knocks my confidence and makes me anxious. I have been low contact but even this I'm always involved in their games.

OnlineDatingQueen Wed 27-Mar-13 16:04:34

Bedtime I very rarely post on these threads but you will not be 'set free'. You can however set yourself free. If my father sent me a text like that I would confront him (if it was a one off) and find out WTAF he's playing at. If he had form (like yours does) I would go to no contact.

Life is too short. Please cut the fucker off as a matter of urgency. You deserve better than that. No one can make you feel like that unless you let them. This man doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

I am totally astonished that your father would send you that text. He sounds like a complete and utter bastard and you are gaining nothing by keeping him in your life. In fact I am so angry for you that I would dearly love to send him an email detailing what an absolute fuckwit he is.

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 16:12:32

Bedtime1, I am not an expert but IMHO this kind of abuse is not something that can be dealt with in a short block of counselling or CBT. I've been seeing a psychotherapist weekly for nearly 3 years and it is a frigging hard painful slog and I'm nowhere near coming to terms with it all yet. However, it's the best money I have ever spent and the best thing I have ever done for myself.

'I don't seem to be able to maintain a relationship with them as it always knocks my confidence and makes me anxious.'

Hold onto this - they are no good for you. Do you have people in your life who don't make you feel this way? People who you can spend time with and not come away bent double with guilt and anger and sadness? It's really really hard but please try to trust your feelings thanks

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:22:25

It's so hard to cut him off. Sometimes he can be funny and make me laff. That's it really but yes he does have form and he is regularly saying nasty things. I know I'm letting Him treat me this way. I'm scared to let him go. Your right I hate him sometimes he makes me that angry and furious. The thing is he was abusive to my mum growing up too she said he said to her when she had a newborn " get back to work you lazy cow". Mum also is cruel to her kids and I think a narcisstic, she uses the daughter that lives at home as a tool/ weapon to get her way as she knows we were once close.

Once of a day I thought my family was normal. I believed it but really but it was quite dysfunctional in many ways. I've always been the one made to feel like I have responsibility for them.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:26:14

I have my husband. I don't have any close friends, I have people I know but not close. The thing is they try and come between me and my husband by trying to make me believe he hasn't got by best interests at heart so I go away feeling confused. Head all messed up.

moonabove Wed 27-Mar-13 16:29:18

Absolutely - set yourself free. Free from feeling that you have to please them. Free from hoping that one day they will realise how lucky they are to have someone like you for a daughter - sadly, that's never going to happen. Free from trying to maintain this messed-up relationship.

Go for no contact at all, that is the only way to start healing from the abuse. They will survive without you and you will thrive without them.

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 16:31:09

'The thing is they try and come between me and my husband by trying to make me believe he hasn't got by best interests at heart so I go away feeling confused'

Same issues here! My DP is wonderful and very supportive but I have doubted our relationship because I know my parents don't like him and have been feeling that there must be something about our relationship that they can see but I can't. At times, I have almost been holding my breath waiting for the relationship with DP to break down, for his 'real self' to be revealed. Nothing to it of course - as you say, 'head all messed up' because of their emotional abuse. It's so hard to start trusting yourself sad

One thing that has helped me when I've been confused and felt messed up, is to ask myself what I would say to a friend or someone else I really cared about if they were in my shoes? I have found out that I'm very kind and empathetic with other people but very very hard on myself!

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:37:27

I felt I was dealing with it more as I had a break from my parents and didn't see them much. I got the odd text but it wasn't malicious or guilt tripping me. I met up with mum other week for first time in a few months. It was okay, no falling out. Thing is I have an older sister and she is always falling out with my mum and then she rings me upset and then I get involved by comforting her. She goes back everytime though. My mum is visiting her now as my sister lives down south. They have been arguing and its got bad as she has 2 kids and they argue in front of them as my sister is angry at her. I can see why, she's furious really at mum, mum also winds her up by making digs. It's up to her what she does but I don't think it's good letting mum stay at her house.

In there argument mum has said to my sister that her partner is having an affair, that my younger sister hates her and that she won't ever be coming down to visit her again ( mum controls the young one) , playing us off against one another by saying she's not a patch on bedtime, saying I'm brilliant etc, she even brought into it my sisters abortion when she was younger. She said your nasty getting rid of that baby. One of reasons sister had that was because things were so unsettled at home.

With me trying to help my sister I get emotionally involved then it brings up lots of things again, then I'm unsettled.

Bedtime1 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:47:19

Lotta piano - "Same issues here! My DP is wonderful and very supportive but I have doubted our relationship because I know my parents don't like him and have been feeling that there must be something about our relationship that they can see but I can't. At times, I have almost been holding my breath waiting for the relationship with DP to break down, for his 'real self' to be revealed. Nothing to it of course - as you say, 'head all messed up' because of their emotional abuse. It's so hard to start trusting yourself " -
---I'm so glad you have said this I find it hard sometimes to put in to words what I mean. Thanks yes thats it I've been worrying about it ending. It's like I can't settle and be content. I'm worried and fearful about my life being taken away from me. Yep his real self to come out.. It's like they will be happy if we split up and then I feel pressured and stressed, have unrealistic expectations, looking for changes. Being hyper alert !

Moon above - I'm beginning to think that's the only way. Time to heal then see how I am. The no contact then contact doesn't really work. I'm scared I won't thrive without them. Im scared I'm not strong enough.

moonabove Wed 27-Mar-13 16:58:14

Have you looked the stately homes thread bedtime?

There's a lot of experience there, a lot of people like Lotta who are still working through this stuff and most of all a lot of support - they will help you to be strong enough. Don't let your parents continue to screw up your adult life the way they screwed up your childhood.

I wonder if your sister is on Mumsnet?

Lottapianos Wed 27-Mar-13 17:08:39

Bedtime, I recognise that fear of having your control and own decisions taken away from you. It's really scary. Like you, all I want is to feel a sense of peace and contentment deep down. I know that life will always have ups and downs but I'm sick of feeling so uneasy all the time. I feel like Don Draper in Mad Man! Slick and polished and together on the outside, miserable and scared inside

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now