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how to word this?

(23 Posts)
wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 11:08:37

Long backstory and toxic family. But the short version is that my mum has invited DD1 (4) round for dinner on Easter monday. But DP, me and DD2 (5months) are not invited because "There isnt enough room at the table."

Now, my aunt and her husband and their 3 kids are going and my brother and his gf will be there (bro still lives at home.) so yes, technically there is no room at the 6 seater table. But thats not why we arent invited.

We arent invited because I chose to stand up for myself and vocalise my displeasure at various shitty treatments of me by all the people who will be there. Also, there was a lot of backstabbing done about DP by my aunt when we first got together (how embarrassing for her to now have to sit with him eh!!) and I dont speak to my brother at all.

My problem is that I feel that it is wrong to invite DD1 alone. To me its rude. Its also very confusing for her. DD2 is technically her half sister so DD1 already has time with her dad on her own. I feel my mum is undermining our family unit and the two DDs relationship.

Not only that but I was told that DD1 was going, not asked. When I said we might have plans I was told that DD1 could go anyway. Presumably my mother thinks that now DD2 is here I no longer want to spend any time with DD1 or include her in this family. However, as DP pointed out, this IS her family and DD1 will never feel like it is if shes going to things on her own all the time.

So how do I tell my mum that DD1 is not going without causing ww3? DP says I should lie and say we have plans but I feel that my mum needs to hear the real reasons so she knows I wont stand for this in the future. Am I a fool?

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 27-Mar-13 11:11:43

Detatch from this toxic behaviour. Don't get entangled in any way that your explanations will be misinterpreted or misused.

Your DP is right. It's Easter, it's the school holidays, you have plans.

Go and make some plans with your family unit and enjoy your day.

My DS wouldn't want to spend a lovely holiday away from his mum and dad eating lunch in a crowded room.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 27-Mar-13 11:14:10

They sound horrible.

Yep, just say she can't come. If pushed, say, we have plans. Sorry.

If they say what plans, just say, she's spending time with her mum and dad and sister.

Keep strong.

PiHigh Wed 27-Mar-13 11:16:58

If you were all invited would you go? I ask that because if you would then I'd say something on the lines of "We are a family. Either we all come or none of us do. End of."

If however you wouldn't go, then you need to consider whether you want DD1 to have a relationship with them.

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 11:21:54

We are moving house over the weekend so monday was really just going to be a relaxed day sorting the new house.

That wont be good enough for her and I cant make a 4 yo lie. As for making plans, we cant really afford to. sad

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 11:23:46

If we had all been invited from the outset then yes we would have went.

If it was retracted now then no we wouldnt. Its mainly my brother thats the problem. And what Lord Brother says usually goes.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 27-Mar-13 11:35:23

Just say you have plans. It's bizarre of them to invite just one DC. Divisive bullshit.

You must make a stand and don't be bullied into justifying your decision.

Your DD doesn't have to lie - you can tell DD you have plans at home to have an Easter egg hunt or play a family game or something.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 27-Mar-13 11:37:31

Yes. "Plans" don't have to mean going out. It might mean watching DVD or playing hide and seek.
The idea that your 4 yr old should go without you, is ridiculous.

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 11:38:55

I have been up all night thinking about this. I cannot bring myself to call her. Do you think texting it is really awful?

FrauMoose Wed 27-Mar-13 11:41:44

Better to call if you can. I've been known to deliberately make calls at times when I know people are out, so I can leave the message on voicemail.

Maybe rehearse what you are going to say? Make the call shortly before some appointment, so that you can say politely but firmly, 'I can't discuss this any more. I have to go now?#

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 11:44:07

She talks over me. Twists what I say. Doesnt listen. I was thinking maybe a concise text would leave no room for a row. But maybe not.

Sigh. I really fucking hate being put in this position all the bloody time.

I would be tempted to go with the text, given what you say about how she talks over you etc. "I'm afraid dd1 will not be coming to you for lunch, because we have plans as a family."

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 27-Mar-13 11:52:14

Yes, text! Don't feel bad.

You'd obviously call her and explain if she treated you with even the minimum of human decency.

Texting is fine for the toxic!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 27-Mar-13 11:59:24

Awful of your mother to try such divisive bs within your own family unit and am glad you see this for what it really is. This is all about power and control and also typical of what such dysfunctional families do.

Your mother doesn't like you anyway because you've stood up to the mad toxic behaviours in your family. Also your brother sounds totally enabled by her.

Your mother is not going to be at all reasonable here however you respond.
Say no to her unreasonable request and make it your future aim to cut them all off. Honestly, these people will bring and do bring nothing positive into your lives.

If you've never read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward I would suggest you do so as well as posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Good luck and stand firm in the face of your toxic mother.

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 12:00:52

Well, let the storm commence.

I text her saying that DD1 wasnt going as we have plans as a family.

Cuddlydragon Wed 27-Mar-13 12:03:00

Well done Wannabe. Just say no, what a horrible horrible woman. You are quite right.

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 12:05:22

I did cut them off last year. I have had loads of threads on here too.

I am really not strong enough to cut out. I have been dealing pretty well with keeping them at arms length but then she does things like this to exert more control.

MarinaIvy Wed 27-Mar-13 12:32:56

Congratulations, EostreGoddess (love the name, by the way!)

I know it's easier said than done, but the sooner you stop taking this abuse personally and worrying about "starting WWIII", the happier you'll all be.

Yes, all - you're doing your DCs the biggest favour in keeping them away from toxic, abusive family members; your DCs don't need to learn that the way your mum, et al, treat people is "normal" or "right".

Stay strong, and keep us posted! And have a lovely weekend in your new Folkvang!

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 14:33:43

She is sticking to her not enough room excuse but has accepted DD1 isnt going easier than I thought.

Trying to make me feel unreasonable probably.

sweetiepie1979 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:49:51

You all in the house together having some lunch and sharing an easter egg is plans. You don't have to do anything else. That's family time. Dint bother with these people. Have a lovely holiday with your lovely unit.

MarinaIvy Wed 27-Mar-13 19:12:14

Well, of course she is, how dare you present a united family front, when nothing is as important as this old bat's efforts to Divide & Conquer?

Juuussst kidding. As thousands of mumsnetters will attest...

YANBU

<wishing there was ginormo font-icon>

BTW, hope I didn't sound too scold-y last post. But from what you've described, you know how bad the situation is, yet you're still worried about starting WWIII. Gotta get rid of that worry. Indeed, embrace WWIII - it's probably the only thing that has a chance of getting through to these people.

Best of luck! And happy [other] Oestara.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 27-Mar-13 19:17:26

Well done!

Let her do whatever. You know you've been reasonable and done the right thing - so carry on as normal (ie with the complete freedom to enjoy your weekend).

wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 19:27:23

Feeling a lot better this evening, thank you all for your kind words and support. Very glad I put my foot down. Instead of going along for the quiet life again.

Looking forward to getting moved and having a peaceful weekend.

Happy Oestara and Easter smile

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