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friendship issues

(16 Posts)
parisfernandez Tue 26-Mar-13 22:48:13

Hi sorry this might be long and im sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place, I just couldn't see any obvious place to post it.

I have best friends who are twins and we have been friends since birth. We are all 26 now.

They both live with their partners, work and have no children. I have a partner, a 3 year old, work full time and I'm pregnant with my second child. I'm happy with my life at the moment. Things could be better with me and DP but we are working at it.

They belittle me at every opportunity. We live quite far apart but meet up whenever we can and I usually take dd with me because she likes to see them. She is a brilliant, intelligent and funny little girl with a fantastic sense of humour. Like most 3 year olds, she has her tantrums and kicks off sometimes when she's being taken round shops with us. This is normal behaviour but they tell me all the time how awful my dd is and im a terrible parent for having a child who has tantrums. They think that I'm doing it all wrong and it's making me doubt my ability as a parent and i can feel the feelings from my pnd coming back again. They slag off my dp, tell me it's awful that I work because my dd will never see me and shes always at my mums, then they slag off mums who don't work and stay at home all day. I just can't win and it is really starting to upset me.

They constantly tell me how amazing their lives are because they have no kids and can do whatever they want whenever they want. I suppose they are trying to make me jealous but im not - a night in with my children and partner is so much more appealing to me than going out and getting drunk. They say I've ruined my life, my life is over because I have kids, I'm going to end up a single mum because my dp will leave when the baby is born because no man wants to be with a woman who has kids (they are his). As far as I'm concerned, my life is brilliant and even though it's different to there life, I'm happy and chose to start a family whereas they didn't and spend their time on holiday and doing whatever they want.

Any idea why they are being like this? It's not jealousy and i dont even know if they mean to be nasty but they are really upsetting me and i dont know how to approach the subject with them without risking the friendship. I need a way to explain to them that having a family is my choice and not having a family is their choice.

Sorry this is so long, any advice would be appreciated

Hassled Tue 26-Mar-13 22:51:06

They're like this because they have no kids and they lack the intelligence or empathy to begin to understand what life might be like if you do have kids. And also because they're just not very nice people - maybe they were once, but they're not now. Distance yourself, and do what you can to make new friends.

izzyizin Tue 26-Mar-13 22:55:22

Don't be available for meets up, but if you decide to get together with them again don't take your dd with you - she shouldn't be subjected to their disapproval simply because she's behaving like the 3yo she is.

YellowTulips Tue 26-Mar-13 22:58:09

Who knows why they do this? Lack of empathy, jealousy, because they get a kick out if it, because they can?

Best guess is they are candle snuffers (snuff out your candle to make theirs appear to burn brighter).

By criticising your life it affirms their life choices and they get pleasure and confidence from doing so.

You may have been friends for a long time, but they are no friends to you now. I would simply start to withdraw from them - life is too short to deal with assholes with enjoy making you miserable to please themselves.

When they have kids their attitude will change and hopefully they will be big enough to realise how badly they have behaved.

Oopla Wed 27-Mar-13 00:31:51

Make new friends.

Snazzynewyear Wed 27-Mar-13 00:42:16

I would not meet up with them again at least for a good while. Why offer yourself up to get a kicking like this? Your DD may like seeing them but they will fade into the background for her if needsbe, given she's only 3.

Your other option is to take this on. When they say something nasty, rehearse replying with 'Right, you keep saying this stuff to me and I'm not sure why, but it just comes across as nasty and bitchy. Don't do it again'. If they then try to keep on about it say 'You aren't listening to me. I didn't come out today to hear my life choices picked to pieces. Now let's leave it there'. You will need to be firm on this, though, and actually leave if they won't stop. So far you have let it go so I wouldn't be shocked to find they don't really take it seriously you the first time you call them on it.

It would be a lot easier to just drop them, at least for a bit...

Gingerodgers Wed 27-Mar-13 00:49:15

Tbh when I was 26, I felt too young to have kids and couldn't understand why people would choose to have them so young. Your lives are on different paths just now. They do sound pretty mean tho!

freddiesmybaby Wed 27-Mar-13 00:59:09

If you can talk to them, tell them that you're hurt and you actually like your life. If they continue to upset you, cut them out of your life - they're not nice people, and you deserve friends who understand you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 08:40:13

They're like this because they're not friends they're bullies. Why are you wasting your time with people who clearly only have you around so that they can make you look small... ? Have some self-respect. Drop the Ugly Sisters like a hot brick.

number41 Wed 27-Mar-13 09:12:33

That sounds ridiculosus. it sounds like they are jealous of you and they do not behave like real friends at all. Sorry but If I was in that situation I would stop seing them.

number41 Wed 27-Mar-13 09:12:55


CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:16:02

"They say I've ruined my life, my life is over because I have kids, I'm going to end up a single mum because my dp will leave when the baby is born because no man wants to be with a woman who has kids (they are his)."

You've heard the expression 'three's a crowd'? Got news for you... you're the gooseberry, the odd-one-out, the one they can pick on and, after you've gone, have a good old bitch about at your expense. They're not friends.

DangerRabbit Wed 27-Mar-13 09:54:05

You say you have been friends with them since birth. Presumably thats why you put up with their awful behaviour to you, as you have a lot invested in these friendships emotionally. You need to start asking yourself a few questions.

Have they always been like this or has their behaviour changed after an event (eg, the birth of your DD)?
Consider the friendships on an individual basis. Is it always one twin initiating the bullying, or fairly equal? Have you considered meeting up with them separately or, if it is always one sister doing the bullying, just pursuing a friendship with one of the sisters and dropping the other one?
Is there anything about the friendships which you find positive or want to save, or are they just historical friendships? Moving on from a relationship, even just a friendship, which has gone on for a long time, can be emotionally draining. But you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of the friendships in the now. If you dont even feel close enough to them to challenge their behaviour (and if you do decide to challenge their behaviour may i suggest you do this individually for better results, starting with the twin you like better first), then you may like to ask yourself. What are you really getting out of the friendships now and is it worth it?
If you do decide to drop them, since you have been friends from birth, are they connected into a wider family network? Would others get offended if you stopped speaking to them? If so, would you conider just gently easing them out of your life so that you maintain civil but distant contact with them if you bump into them at future family events?
You describe them as your best friends yet their behaviour to you is not very nice. Do you describe them as best friends as known them all your life, or for some other reason? What have they done to earn this title of best friend? Do you have other friends who treat you better or are you quite isloated? What is your self esteem like? Have you considered trying to make new friends in the same life stage as you, eg wih kids?
These friends sound immature and also that they are using their intimate knowledge of you against you to further belittle your self esteem. You are worth more than this and can make new friends who treat you respectfully. Good luck x

7to25 Wed 27-Mar-13 10:03:58

Old maids have the best reared weans

So says my MIL. It means that those without children feel free to criticise and offer unwanted advice to those who do.

IMO horrible twin is horrible squared nor doubled

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 27-Mar-13 10:24:24

They are not your friends!

There's strength in numbers, and you are being ganged up against by this nasty pair.

Kick them in to touch without delay.

When you are on maternity leave, why not find a good mums and tots group (some can be very clicky but some are great) where you will be sure to meet some nice people that may become lifelong friends.

MamaSensitive Wed 27-Mar-13 11:17:40

Sorry you're going through this!
Really repeating what others have said, do think if this is actually a friendship worth keeping? I understand it's hard as you're childhood friends and when you end a relationship like that, you will miss the good times but certainly not the way they treat you and make you feel. I can't think of any reason why you should put up with their behaviour.
You say it's not jealousy but you know what? I think they are envious of what you have and are therefore trying to make you feel bad about it (your relationship with your DP, having a kid, being pregnant etc). You are probably very kind and forgiving when it comes to your friends and they've realised that long time ago and because they are not very nice people, they use you to make them feel better about themselves (you feel bad, they feel good). No point trying to understand why some people are like that, we will never comprehend...just shows how twisted they really are.

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