Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't no how to fix us anymore :((257 Posts)
I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?
I'm sorry. He sleeps with what next to the bed? [shocked]
OP, this is not normal and what's to say you won't make a funny noise one night and takes one of those objects to you?!
Wondered if others sleep with things next to the bed
That's why he's banned from being upstairs when he's drunk.
Couple of years back now he said how men these days really do stuff because of money worries.
I always hate asking for money because of this.
I've been really tough this wkd not taken any rubbish
Don't fool yourself into thinking you've cracked it... the fact is you shouldn't have to be 'tough' and not take 'any rubbish' either this weekend, or at any other time for that matter.
As you won't be able to keep your guard up all the time, and as he won't put up with having to play the role of Mr Nice for much longer, you're best advised to make sure you get all the help you can from WA and SS to get him out of your home.
If he's told you money worries are a justification for his abuse of you he's talking out of his arse which, in the case of twunts like him, is where all their pearls of
total shite wisdom emanate from.
I don't want him out the home not forever.
If I tell the sw everything I'm sure they won't let dh see the dc. There make us seperate I'm sure. I don't want that I want him in there lives. I want them to offer him some help, help us as a family be a family.
He's been doing so much to help, can't believe it. I do think we need time apart but not forever.
I don't know what to say to you, if his abuse of you and your kids is not enough to make you call it a day.
I do think we need time apart
How do you think this will come about if he's not made to leave your home? Do you have somewhere you can go live with the dc if he won't leave?
You very definitely do need time apart so your dc can begin to become all they can be without him blighting their young lives and so that you can see that what he's been doing is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and harmful to them.
Do you want your ds to grow up to be a mirror image of his father abusing the women in his life, or for your dd to grow up to believe that the abuse you tolerate from her father is what she should put up with in her future relationships with the opposite sex?
SS's priority is to satisfy themselves that your dc are safe from harm; if they can do this without requiring your h to live elsewhere, they will - but they will not stop him having contact with his dc, albeit that contact may need to supervised until such time as he has demonstrated that he can parent properly.
Stop indulging in fantasies of him changing without the help of outside agencies; he may have been on his best behaviour over the last few days and shown that he's knows how to behave in a halfway decent manner to you, but this WON'T last unless he's given an incentive to seek help for his 'issues'.
You owe it to your dc to be honest with SS and with the WA worker.
If you cop out of your responsibilities to your dc now, you will be running the risk of your h doing you very serious harm in the not too distant future at which time he won't be able to see his dc and, if you're unable to care for them due to being hospitalised or worse, they may be taken into care if there are no other relatives/responsible adults available to look after them.
Sometimes the medicine is bitter, but far it's better to swallow it in the hope it will prevent a treatable ailment becoming critical or terminal.
Do the right thing by your dc and you won't go wrong.
I'm old enough to be your mother, and if you were my daughter I would have picked up your children and taken the lot of you away.
Why are you not taking on board everything everyone is telling you? He is an abusive husband and I would lay odds on him becoming an abusive father when your DCs are old enough to not do what they're told.
And what he says to them about you is vile. As is what he does and says to you in front of them.
You haven't given one good reason for staying. Why are you not thinking about your children?
No one can make you leave him,
no one can force him to leave you (unless it's for a prison cell)
Sw can help, support and assess, they can even remove your DC if they can really see what is going on in your home.
WA can help, support and understand
We can offer insight, information and hold your hand
But ONLY YOU CAN REALLY KEEP YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN SAFE, it is your duty and your right to be safe and to look after your children.
Every week 2 women are killed by their intimate partners...104 women a year who thought they were safe and could "manage" their abusive partner.
One child per week is killed by an abusive parent or carer...many more are injured, disfigured and untold numbers are emotionally and psychologically damaged. These are the ones we know about, many more have non-accidental injuries that are passed off as legitimate accidents, even deaths may be inadequately explained. They are failed by social services, the NHS schools and our communities...but most of all they are failed by their parents. ONLY YOU HAVE GUARANTEED POWER TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN don;t rely on anyone else to do it
there is no reliable way to predict which abuser will end up killing or permanently disabling their partner/child...only the previous presence of abuse. there is no thermometer to tell you when it is too dangerous to stay.
You don;t have to decide forever...just decide it is unacceptable for now, live without him, do the freedom programme, do personal individual counselling, love your children...then look back at him and see if he is the man you deserve...the man who has your back when things are tough, the man who builds you up, who loves, cares and honours you...the one who you can trust with your children to protect and care for them in every way and every circumstance...then you can make the decision how long he should be gone for....
However much you hate knowing, you do know that what he does is wrong...and no person, no, not even you can make another one change...you can't and shouldn't police him, you can't and shouldn't have to guard yourself or have rules in the house to keep you safe when he is drunk , you can't and won;t make him a better person. Only he can do that, and he can do it without you there...or he can't do it at all.
Don't allow immature teenage twaddle to the effect that this man is your 'soul mate', the only man in the world for you, and that deep down, underneath all the shit he's visited on you, he 'really' loves you, to cloud your thinking.
There aren't many certainties in life but one thing's for sure - a man who truly loves his dw and his dc doesn't treat them in the way your h has behaved towards you and his children.
It's time to grow up, Twinkle. You chose to bring 2 innocent little souls into this world and they need a mother who's worthy of the title.
I'm scared real scared.
I no something will happen it has to. He's clever really clever like he's said to me before what you going to do. Call the police and say help me my dh is looking at me and quietly scaring me. He will say I'm mental I have problems I'm nuts he tells me that.
He wouldn't hurt the dc it's me I'm the trigger I guess. However to keep me he may try & take them.
Years ago he threaten my dog if I left this is still stamped in my head even tho it was so long ago.
We privately rent , he pays it so we will have to leave. We lose everything and no matter what I do I risk losing the dc To him if he takes me to court, to ss if they think there unsafe. That's why I stay, because I'm so scared of losing my dc. That's why I don't care what he does to me.
Also there are emotions between us there is love at times. This mixes it up even more.
You won't lose your DC Twinkle
If you feel scared you need to listen to that and take action.
All the best to you.
You are not the trigger...It is his responsibility to act and react well. this is what normal people do. If he acted with other people how he acts with you he would be locked up either in a cell or an institution.
Threatening or harming animals is a VERY bad sign.
You are are more likely to lose your DC if you stay. If you leave you will be protecting them, if you stay you are exposing them to danger.
There are refuges all over the country, they will take you and your children.You need not be homeless.
if you love your DC then you have to get out...if he hurts and harms you he is hurting and harming them
The love thing I understand, but you have to use your head for this...let the emotions follow.
If he takes me to court which I think he may with the help of his horrid dad. They can offer a home,money & family support. There say I have depression & can't cope.
I no it's wrong but it's like I'm trapped. I just wanted him to change, change back to who he was.
I'm hearing he won't, thinking it will get worse now from what ppl have said.
I keep reminding myself of the bad stuff in hope to keep me strong
But you just say a little of what has happened and been said to you by your partner.
There are lots of people who will support you, and custody rarely goes to the father especially when they have not been the primary carer.
Keep reminding yourself of 'the bad stuff'.
Tell it to the sw and the wa worker - and know that if SS think your dc are 'unsafe' it will because he poses a risk, a threat, to them, not you.
You're not going to 'lose everything' if he leaves. You can apply for housing benefit, income support/child support etc which will enable you to stay in your present home or you can look to rent elsewhere - maybe nearer to your dm if that's what you'd like to do. Your WA worker can advise and may be able to help you get secure social house through your local authority or a housing association.
As for taking you to Court 'with the help of his horrid dad', now we know where your h gets it from and if you take time to read through other threads on this board you'll understand why I wish I had £1 for every time an abusive twunt threatens to 'go to Court to get the kids off you' - yeah, right, and that's a herd of pigs flying past my window...
These twunts are all bluff and bluster; as if they'd want to cramp their style by having to be sahds. That's not where it's at for them, honey. It's just another example of the intimidation they use to perpetuate their abuse.
It's no wonder you're depressed - anyone who has to live under the jackboot of an abusive twunt is hardly going to be full of the joys of spring, are they? But you will be once you've got out from under.
I shall be thinking of you today, Twinkle, and hoping you find the courage to tell the truth and shame the devil.
He wouldn't hurt the dc it's me I'm the trigger I guess. However to keep me he may try and take them
Twinkle i've been reading your thread from the start and thinking of you.
I'm sorry but I think he would hurt the DCs.
He sounds like exactly the sort of man who would hurt children from everything you have said. He threatens animals, he races the car with the DCs in it, he uses them as pawns to verbally attack you - they're not really people to him at all. Doesn't matter how "good" you think he's being with them now. If he thought harming them was to his advantage somehow I think he'd do it without a monent's thought - he already IS harming them by involving them in his abuse of you.
I think you need to stop assuming they're safe "because he loves them" right now.
I think he can hurt the children.
They are too small now and he might not hurt them near you, as he can hurt you directly, and hurting them might just the the trigger that would make you leave.
If you think there's the danger of abduction, then leave asap taking the children and with no warning.
That's what I did.
Your children do not need to have contact with him.
If the SS say you need to leave or they will take them away, they will also tell any court in the land why this is their professional opinion. It doesn't matter how good a lawyer he gets, SS will be listened to. Regardless if you have been the main carer they will remain with you.
However if you don't tell the truth and you stay with him, they may well decide the children are at risk.
Mummytime that's a good point thank u. Didn't think of it like that
He threated to let my dog run away unless I stayed a few times. Let it out in the road not hurt it himself.
I don't think he would take the children but wonder if his d would persuade him to get custody.
I don't no how he can say things to me and its like there stamped in my mind forever. Almost like I won't ask certain questions or act in different ways to please him.
I still thinking if the bad times. meeting wa this week. I'm trying to write stuff done to ask her.
my dh threw me out of the house with my newborn 10day old baby (post cs)and 2 other dc age 7 and 9 and threw the moses basket out after us.he refused to give me the baby car seat saying he had paid for it i had to drive 30 miles to a house with no furniture in it overnight till he let us come back.he told me i was a useless bitch.i am reading these messages and cant believe how you cant see whats going on and realise that i am also that woman,its very sobering
I think writing it all down (somewhere he won't see it) is a very good idea twinkle.
Have been jotting stuff down on bits of paper here & there then hiding it. May just give her all the papers as I don't even think I will be able to read it all. Just thinking about it makes me feel all panicky
Olvia that's horrid I'm so sorry. There like addictive drugs, not matter how much I hurt its like I have to go back for more. Are you still with your dh/p?
If this isn't normal then I no I have to break the patteren for my dc.
Of course it isn't normal. However much he persuades you to the contrary you have a choice. We do not all live in fear of our DHs, or live under threats of having our children taken away from us.
This is the terrible curse that abused partners live under: I just wanted him to change, change back to who he was.
Can you see that logically it is much more likely that THIS is what he is, and the nice stuff was the honey to catch the fly? Why would he change back?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.