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I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

(257 Posts)
Twinkletwinklestars Tue 26-Mar-13 21:45:25

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 08:07:23

" I don't want to leave just yet I need to no I've done everything to try & fix us. I ow it to our children x"

You can't fix what you didn't break. The more you try, the more he treats you with utter contempt. His foul temper and abusive behaviour is clearly something he saves just for you. This is the man that promised to love, cherish and honour you when you got married..... hmm Aside from anything else, that makes him a liar.

If you owe your children anything, it's to live in a house where Mum is not treated like some underling that can be kicked, pushed about and screamed at. Get yourself & your children safe and away from him.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 27-Mar-13 08:12:23

You owe it to NO ONE.

You owe it to your children to get out of an abusive relationship asap.

I'm sorry this is happening to you but the longer the stay the less likely you are to leave.

You're only going to feel worse, as he's an emotional bully & it's already quite bad. You even acknowledge that he puts you down.

He doesn't deserve an tenth of you...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 08:35:10

Emotional bully but also physically and verbally abusive... Slamming a car door on someone's leg? shock

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 27-Mar-13 08:47:26

Feeling very overwhelmed maybe a bit shocked by the responses. I think I bring on some of the shouting by arguing back & not getting things right. He says I make him lose his temper with me. Because I pick at him ask him to help out. It's not all his fault.
He was never that type of guy, I want him to be the man he use to b all those years ago. He really changed when I had our son think he got jealous a bit. I don't think I help him much emotionally as my time is taken up with the children mostly. Also he likes ne to be quiet and to watch his programmes go on computer when the children go to bed. We prob talk for 10min b4 he wants to go to sleep. I really want us to b happy again. He's changed a lot these last couple of wks as he knows I'm talking to someone. My son adores him and when he leaves us it causes him so much upset. Lots of tears & cuddles constant questions of when is he coming back. I think it would be to upsetting for my son if we separated. hmm

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 27-Mar-13 08:52:05

Also I have pnd after my son was born. He found this hard to cope with and also reminds me sometimes that its my depression that's made me different too

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 27-Mar-13 08:54:17

I love my children there my whole world. I would never put them in any danger. I don't think he would ever hurt them. If he did I would b gone in a flash.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 08:57:55

"He says I make him lose his temper with me. Because I pick at him ask him to help out. It's not all his fault. "

Oh dear. They all say that. 'If you weren't such a nag, I wouldn't have pushed you into the door...' It's pathetic.

As for never being the type. Abuse, as I think I said before, often only starts to be apparent with the arrival of the first baby. Up to then, let's face it, you're usually in the romantic early days, your full attention is on him and he doesn't have to be nasty to get his own way.

This man is selfish and abusive. He's only happy when everyone's tiptoeing on eggshells. And as for your son 'adoring' his Dad... really?.... you'd be very surprised to learn that even small children pick up on abuse and make an extra effort to keep the abusive parent sweet as a result.

I'll tell you a story. A friend of mine grew up with an abusive father. His mother suffered terribly and my friend spent his childhood upset and angry knowing he was too young and too small to protect her. My friend got to 15 and by now he was a tall, strong young man. Threw his father through a glass door....

Please talk to the Womens Aid people. This shouldn't be happening to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:00:48

"I don't think he would ever hurt them. If he did I would b gone in a flash."

But it's OK for him to hurt you? Listen to yourself. You know he's a violent man, he's aggressive, he pushes you around and he has injured you. It's appalling behaviour. Why does it have to get just a bit worse ... and a bit worse.... and a bit worse.... before you take it seriously? Why does he have to hit the kids before you go?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:02:42

"lso I have pnd after my son was born. He found this hard to cope with "

You're married, right? Remember that bit about 'in sickness and in health'? Did you get sick deliberately just to spite him?..... Thought not. Again, some people find it hard to cope with a partner with depression. Decent people seek advice, help, support, treatment for their partner. SELFISH BULLIES go on the attack.

showtunesgirl Wed 27-Mar-13 09:10:24

OP, please read back what you have written.

A relationship should be a two way street. At the moment, it seems to be all about you making HIM happy and treading on eggshells. This is no way for you our your children to live.

issypiggle Wed 27-Mar-13 09:11:19

get out with dc, stay at friends/family and leave. he is abusive and vile. you should not be treated that way.

go see WA or CAB, but get out. he needs help but you need to get help for yourself and dc first.

do you want ds to copy what your dh is doing when he has gf/dw??

get out and stay out, you're stronger than him and you know inside that it's wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have asked us.

Bumpsadaisie Wed 27-Mar-13 09:15:09

He sounds like a classic man-child who can't cope when the children come along and he isn't número uno anymore.

There are lots of men out there who are not scary, who do not control there partners by shouting and violent behaviour, who work full time and still do their share of household work (because they know that otherwise their partner will be working 24/7), and who far from being jealous of the children are happy that their wife puts the children first (because they are children, and he is an adult!)

Why don't you find yourself one of those men smile good luck.

issypiggle Wed 27-Mar-13 09:16:29

you have 2 kids, you're not supposed to be getting things right, except the bringing up of your dc. the house is never gonna be perfect. and he should know that.

What is your h expecting a stepford wife? no chance this is rl, you have the right to live a home without fear.

it's not about him and making him happy, it's time to make you and the dc happy.

JugglingFromHereToThere Wed 27-Mar-13 09:20:01

Also your relationship with your partner may well have contributed to your depression after your son was born. If you had been given support and respect you may have felt very different. So it's not right for him to blame his behaviour on you being depressed ! Quite apart from the fact that we should all aim to take responsibilty for our own behaviour, and not go around blaming others for it !
Things sound really bad Twinkle sad I understand how you feel (including about wanting to try your best ) but really think things are not fixable in this relationship, and separating would be better, for you and your DC's.

Dilidali Wed 27-Mar-13 09:22:47

Please please please get some help and get out of that realationship!!!!you owe it to your children. Honey, it is NOT normal, it is not your fault!

Dilidali Wed 27-Mar-13 09:23:16

Relationship, sorry.

Lueji Wed 27-Mar-13 10:39:42

You realise that you are an adult, you are not answering back, you are having a conversation, or even a discussion. That is no justification for shouting.

You also realise that he is supposed to contribute at home too, from the moment he enters the door. You are not even supposed to ask, he is supposed to be volunteering. If you ask he should only do it or give a proper justification why not to do it.

You also feel ignored, in that he refuses to talk to you in his "quiet time". I sort of understand wanting some quiet time, but if you have no more opportunities to talk calmly with each other, then what relationship is there?

And about the children sobbing because he's not there. Lots of children sob when they go to school, or when the parents refuse to buy a toy.
The children are being far more damaged with his presence than by his absence.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 27-Mar-13 10:52:20

I am glad that you are seeing the WA lady soon. Please tell her everything you said here and what you did not tell us too. You need help. He is vile.

No, most women are not scared of their husbands.
No, being the main bread winner is not an excuse to be horrid and violent.

Listen to what he says. He has no intention of changing.

If he cannot cope with his children and his wife, he should not stay with them, nor should you try to play happy families.

Please do talk to as many people you can in RL, police, GP, HV, family. Your silence is only protecting him.

JuliaScurr Wed 27-Mar-13 10:59:25

imagine you were sharing a house with a friend and you wrote that - what would you do then?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 11:01:49

Sweetheart you say you would never put your children in danger, they ARE in danger.

I have been "lucky" enough to get my husband abuser removed by the police last week, but do you know what, as bad as he was, he hasn't done a fraction of what that wanker is currently subjecting you and those poor babies to.


If you can't leave then 999 as soon as he gets home tonight.

Don't wait until next week for wa, phone them back today.

Are you certain that you and the babies are not at serious risk over a long bank holiday weekend with him?

I really am worried for you. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 27-Mar-13 11:03:35

You really do need to look at ways to get away from this man.

As for your son being too upset if he left, I'm sorry but seeing your mum abused/shouted at/leg shut in a car door/etc etc must be pretty upsetting for him!

Please tell the WA lady everything you have told us.

Your relationship isn't normal, it isn't normal to be scared of someone who is supposed to love you, it isn't normal for you to think he's lovely if he pops to the shop on the way home fgs.

I am so angry for you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. He is a bastard.

Twinkletwinklestars Wed 27-Mar-13 11:14:17

The sw wants to speak to me with the wa lady. I'm terrified they will take my babies. I hate this, they said they will probably speak to him. This will make everything worse. I feel sick sick sick, my fault it's on my doc notes. Should have kept quiet

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 27-Mar-13 11:21:45

You owe it to your children to leave, or make him leave.

He IS hurting your children, profoundly - like you say, the kicks and punches don't hurt you as much, what do you think this will do to your kids??

Please please leave

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 27-Mar-13 11:25:52

They will NOT take your babies now if you seek help.

They will however have no choice but to consider it, if you do nothing to ensure their safety and well being.

Lovely I can not stress this enough, do something NOW, this minute, you feel sick now, how sick will you feel when you or your babies are seriously hurt.

Please phone wa back now, they will do everything they can to protect your babies NOT take them from you. ((((hugs))))

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Mar-13 11:30:54

They won't take your kids away.... they'll give you the support to leave and you'll thank them for it later. He wants you to keep quiet so that he can carry on abusing you and pretending it's all OK. You feel sick because you're frightened of him. Courage.... Speak out, accept the help, let them deal with him, get yourself safe.

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