TRIGGER WARNING
I need some advice on how to think about this. I don't really know what to think, and I haven't talked about this to anyone.
Last summer I had a brief relationship with a married man. I know it was wrong. I fell deeply in love with him, and when he ended things it was very difficult.
The affair was v physical and he was very dominant and aggressive sexually - something we both enjoyed. We had a LOT of sex - six or seven times a day when we were together. There was a safe word. I said the safe word once, when we had been having sex all day and all night, and I was very very sore. He paused, and asked me if I was sure, and then I said ok, carry on. But it hurt. I was so sore the next day.
A couple of times (and possibly that time as well, it's all mixed up in my head) he used to wake me up when I was asleep by penetrating me.
Once, we were somewhere, and I told him that I didn't want to have sex. I said that I would lie in the bed with him, but I wouldn't have sex with him. About fifteen minutes later, he pushed me onto my stomach, and penetrated me, even though I said no again, and whispered to me 'if I want to fuck you, I'll fuck you. Do you understand?'
The really confusing part is that I enjoyed the sex that night in the end, but I had said no. I just don't know what or how to think about it all. I haven't told anyone, even my therapist, because I suppose I'm afraid. And I suppose I don't think I have any reason to complain, given that I was engaged in something that was wrong to begin with.
But I feel so uneasy about it. My mouth is dry as I'm writing this. I don't really know what I'm asking for in terms of responses. Maybe I just needed to write it down. Sorry if this has upset anyone. I'm trying to figure out what led me to go into that relationship, hence the counselling.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Was this bad? I feel I've no right to complain but I want to get it straight in my mind *warning trigger*
MaryHollyberry · 26/03/2013 20:20
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