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Was this bad? I feel I've no right to complain but I want to get it straight in my mind *warning trigger*

(51 Posts)
MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 20:20:04

I need some advice on how to think about this. I don't really know what to think, and I haven't talked about this to anyone.

Last summer I had a brief relationship with a married man. I know it was wrong. I fell deeply in love with him, and when he ended things it was very difficult.

The affair was v physical and he was very dominant and aggressive sexually - something we both enjoyed. We had a LOT of sex - six or seven times a day when we were together. There was a safe word. I said the safe word once, when we had been having sex all day and all night, and I was very very sore. He paused, and asked me if I was sure, and then I said ok, carry on. But it hurt. I was so sore the next day.

A couple of times (and possibly that time as well, it's all mixed up in my head) he used to wake me up when I was asleep by penetrating me.

Once, we were somewhere, and I told him that I didn't want to have sex. I said that I would lie in the bed with him, but I wouldn't have sex with him. About fifteen minutes later, he pushed me onto my stomach, and penetrated me, even though I said no again, and whispered to me 'if I want to fuck you, I'll fuck you. Do you understand?'

The really confusing part is that I enjoyed the sex that night in the end, but I had said no. I just don't know what or how to think about it all. I haven't told anyone, even my therapist, because I suppose I'm afraid. And I suppose I don't think I have any reason to complain, given that I was engaged in something that was wrong to begin with.

But I feel so uneasy about it. My mouth is dry as I'm writing this. I don't really know what I'm asking for in terms of responses. Maybe I just needed to write it down. Sorry if this has upset anyone. I'm trying to figure out what led me to go into that relationship, hence the counselling.

DixieD Tue 26-Mar-13 20:34:52

I am sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault, you did not deserve it.

I have not experience to be able to advice you, but I think you should start by talking to your therapist. flowers

CardinalRichelieu Tue 26-Mar-13 20:38:55

Well, he raped you the time you said no and he did it anyway, for sure. Penetrating someone who is asleep is also rape, unless you have discussed it before and know that they are ok with it. So he is a rapist and a criminal. That's not subjective - it's a matter of legal fact. The fact you were having an affair and he was married is irrelevant.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

TheAccidentalEgghibitionist Tue 26-Mar-13 20:39:09

Mary it sounds like a disturbing and abusive relationship. I think you already know that he raped you don't you? I'm so sorry, it was not your fault.
He sounds like a truly revolting and dangerous man.
I think getting some support and talking it through with your therapist would be a good idea.

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 20:48:07

I don't know what to say. My heart is thumping. Thank you for the responses. I think I've been afraid to face this for ages, and I think I am seriously fucked up.

StealthPolarBear Tue 26-Mar-13 20:50:24

Hope you're ok and counselling is helping
There was nothing 'wrong' until he raped you btw

Casmama Tue 26-Mar-13 20:53:38

I think you enjoyed the dominance and aggression and that is fine- don't feel guilty about it. He crossed the line- he knew you didn't want to and he did it against your will, he raped you, I'm sorry that happened to you.
The fundamental difference is that some of it you consented to and some of it he forced on you- the same as anyone else in a relationship who has consensual sex and then is raped. This was not your fault.

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 20:58:17

I still loved him though, even afterwards. I feel so frightened. I can never tell anyone about this.

CardinalRichelieu Tue 26-Mar-13 21:06:19

Yes, there is a big difference between enjoying dominant behaviour in bed and being raped. The one does not encourage the other

CardinalRichelieu Tue 26-Mar-13 21:08:46

I don't actually see why you are fucked up, based on these facts. You had an affair, not ideal but not exactly rare and perverted. You enjoy being dominated in bed, again, millions do. He's the one who is fucked up, you were just unlucky enough to get in his way. Just because you enjoyed the sex in the end - at that point you probably hadn't processed what happened to you, it was also very intense, lots of adrenaline. Doesn't make you a freak.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Mar-13 21:09:55

He sounds very manipulative and unpleasant. Lots of people like a bit of dominance when it comes to sex, but unfortunately some people who claim to be 'dominant' are not actually into mutual pleasure; they get their kicks from abusing others. Liking to be submissive sexually does not mean that anyone who feels like it can abuse you. WHat happened was not your fault, and I hope your counsellor can help you unpick it and recover from it.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Mar-13 21:11:18

Are you afraid because this man has made threats to harm you if you tell anyone?

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 21:17:08

He hasn't made threats to harm me, but I know that he could/would destroy my career if I did anythig to disrupt the narrative he has constructed for his wife and family. Who knownabout the affair, but who think it ended sooner than it did. Sorry - i should have said - we worked together, and still technically do. That's why I have never contacted him since he ended it, even though I have wanted to so badly. Less in recent months, mind you, possibly because I am getting a bit of distance from it all

CardinalRichelieu Tue 26-Mar-13 21:22:23

You can tell your counsellor and they will keep it completely confidential.

Snazzynewyear Tue 26-Mar-13 21:22:55

Whatever else, happens, I would not contact him again. Do whatever you need to to avoid that - talk it through with your therapist would be a suggestion - but don't contact him either to get back together or ask questions about why he behaved the way he did. Protect yourself from him because he is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

Can you start making moves to a different work set up so that he can't have this influence over you?

Definitely stick with the counselling. And don't blame yourself.

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 21:28:06

Thanks to everyone for very kind responses.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed even thinking about telling my counsellor. I will have to try and get over that, I suppose. Part of me thinks that I can't really complain about it, or it's not really serious, because I had somehow enabled the situation to arise by participating willingly in some of the other stuff.

Yes, I've arranged a change of work situation from the summer onwards. That will be good.

Just worrying now: do MN threads come up on google? Is there any way he could search and find it?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Mar-13 21:40:20

What a scumbag he is! Please don't feel that you did anything wrong or that it was your fault he mistreated you. Rape is still rape even when the woman previously consented to having sex with the man.

mowzer Tue 26-Mar-13 22:11:35

What a git. I'm sure the wife has a good idea of what he is like. Maybe try talking to Rape Crisis first, before the counsellor if you are struggling to mention what happened to you xx

CardinalRichelieu Tue 26-Mar-13 22:25:32

You haven't got anything to be ashamed of! You're not the one who's a criminal. I quite enjoy my boyfriend being a bit dominant in bed, but if he did what your ex did I would phone the police. And it is serious. He could get a life sentence for what he's done to you (not that any rapists seem to get this, sadly).

MN threads do come up on google. But it's very unlikely that he could find this one. There are a lot of threads on here by rape victims, unfortunately.

mowzer Tue 26-Mar-13 22:35:16

Shouldn't be googleable... unless that is your real name?! And I agree - if anyone googles it, it could be the story of any number of women. Don't be afraid of asking for help.

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 22:44:54

No, not my real name!

It's more the bit inside the quotation marks in my OP would be instantly recognisable to him: he repeated it to me a few times afterwards. I'm realising how horrible this sounds.

Would it be a bad idea to just silently acknowledge to myself that this has happened and then put it to one side and never speak to anyone about it? Ive thought about telling my counsellor about it a couple of times, and hinted at his aggression and dominance, but she didn't seem to pick up the cues (or, more plausibly, has been waiting till I'm ready to talk about it...). Last week was all about my self-esteem - so maybe that's why it has been playing on my mind since then.

YellowTulips Tue 26-Mar-13 22:49:40

You can get the thread moved to off the beaten track if you want it non searchable and auto deleted.

Just send a post to MNHQ.

There is nothing fucked up about you. He is the one with the issue.

mowzer Tue 26-Mar-13 22:51:54

Yes, more plausible that she is waiting for you to be ready to say. And surely he is not going to google THAT. Please don't just silently deal with this yourself. From the tone of your posts I'd say you know that is not a good idea. Do you have a problem telling your counsellor about situations in which you have been vulnerable?

ImperialBlether Tue 26-Mar-13 22:59:33

My god, so not only is he calculating and takes whatever he wants, no matter the cost to you, he would also lose you your career if you didn't play along with his lies. He really is a piece of work, isn't he?

I really do think you should speak to your therapist and, given you are so scared of him (and no wonder since he's raped you and you understand all too well his veiled threats) I think you should get this thread deleted and post in a safer place - do you know what I mean by that?

MaryHollyberry Tue 26-Mar-13 23:03:28

mowser it's more that I feel like I've been blathering on about this man to my counsellor for ages, and that I wouldn't blame her if she was tired of hearing about it. Nothing in her manner or anything she's said suggests that - I'm probably projecting here.

I generally do have problems with admitting to vulnerability with other people in my life. I've been a perfectionist in almost every other area of my life (or at least conveyed the impression of perfectionism) so I'm not really used to opening up in that way. Attempts to confide in my sisters about this relationship generally did not go well so we never speak and I don't want to off-load too much onto friends who have a lot of other issues in their lives.

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