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So confused what to do for best...

(3 Posts)
LisaMoomin Tue 26-Mar-13 18:25:46

Apologies because I think this is going to be long but I could really do with some advice and haven't discussed this with anyone in the 'real' world.

Bit of background-

I'm 26 and met my husband when I was 16 (he's 6 years older). It was my first proper relationship in every way. He wasn't someone I would normally be attracted to but he made me feel safe and secure (after an unhappy childhood) and treated me right. I was only 16 so this made me feel like a grown up. We moved in together when I was 18 after my grandparents saying we had to get engaged first, which we did. Fast forward a couple of years and we had our first daughter and got married. We then had our second daughter 2.5 years later. It is now 4 years on (we've been together for 10 years and married for almost 6).

Here's where my problem is - I don't love him in the way I should. I'm not sure if I've ever loved him properly as I haven't had any experience of love. I love him like I would a sibling. I've told him this but he says that it is normal for couples for feel this way sometimes and we can work through it. That was about a year ago and I still love him like a sibling.

Another thing is I am in no way attracted to him. We have sex maybe 4 times a year if that. He has put on a lot of weight and won't do anything about it whereas I've lost 7 stone and am in the best shape of my life. He eats the meals I give him (sw ones) but it's all the snacks etc on top of this. I think he has put on about 4 stone since we've been together. I've tried to encourage him but he doesn't want to know.

He has always had a temper (the red hair in him) but has calmed down a lot since we've been together. Now he gets moody over such small things that it's like I'm trying to talk to a child. The girls know when he's in a mood and I try to keep them amused until it blows over. Then he's sorry and we all have a laugh over it. I don't want to be like that anymore.

He is not a bad man and he is a great dad. I know that we wouldn't be together if we didn't have the children but now I'm thinking do I stay because of the girls or should I try and be by myself? He is the main wage earner by quite a way and my lifestyle would change quite a lot but I know he wouldn't let the girls go without so I could manage.

I want to see what else is out there in the way of life and relationships. I don't want to be like my nan or friends who look back on their life and say they wouldn't have stayed in the relationship.

I don't want to hurt him I really don't but I've had these thoughts for so long and each time I say that I don't want to be with him, he talks me round and we start the cycle again.

It would absolutely break his heart.

Sorry for being so long. There's loads I've missed out but don't want to bore you anymore! Well done if you've got this far. It's helped writing it all down.

Teachercreature Tue 26-Mar-13 19:19:41

Sorry to hear you're so down - a tough choice to make for sure where it's not quite good enough to stay but not quite bad enough to go!

So, how about a last ditch effort to sort things by going to relationship counselling? If he is able to talk you round sounds like maybe a small part of you would like to try? You might find a third party could mediate and change things for the better?

Or have you already decided you just need to move on? I do really sympathise with the "meeting young" thing - I was young myself and it directly contributed to my marriage breakup, since you don't really know who you are yet. If you hadn't had your children, you probably would have split naturally over time. And I do think it's better for children not to be in a situation where parents are at war, and sometimes people just can't be happy together.

But I can also tell you that being a single parent is damn hard even with financial support from an ex, and divorce is hard on the children too, so please do be absolutely sure it's what you want before taking the plunge. Beware the "grass is greener" thing of single life and meeting exciting new men too - I had single friends who would have given anything for a stable husband, even if he was moody at times, since no-one's perfect! And I've since heard from other exhausted single mothers who find it hard to find the time to even date. Sorry if this sounds negative, am not trying to push you one way or the other, just trying to present the pros and cons of both. (I should also add that although my own marriage breakup was tough, I am still glad to be out of it now.)

Also, do talk to people in the "real world", as they know you and him and can offer you support and advice better than people like me who don't know the whole story. But ultimately, it really is something only you can decide for yourself, and whatever happens I do wish you the very best of luck in making that decision!

izzyizin Tue 26-Mar-13 20:18:11

Having red hair excuses a short or bad temper? shock Not in my book.

Your dd know when he's in a mood and they also know that you go to extra lengths to keep them amused so he can indulge his petulance and moodiness to his heart's discontent. What lessons do you think they are learning from this? That men reign supreme and any unacceptable behaviour they display has to be accomodated and tolerated by women as long as they can 'have a laugh after'?

This man isn't a 'great dad' - he's an appalling role model of masculinity for your girls to model their future relationships with the opposite sex on.

Break the cycle. Next time you tell him you don't want to be with him, don't let him talk you round and get on with the process of separating with a view to divorce.

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