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Its happened again. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?

(56 Posts)
Rejected Tue 26-Mar-13 16:40:42

I started a thread 3 months ago -here

Things have been better since, he seemed to care more about my needs until last night.

He's been sleeping on the couch recently because of various excuses (crying baby, bad back) Last night I popped upstairs to put DD to bed, but ended up coming back downstairs with DD as she wasn't sleeping. He was looking shifty and started shouting at me and arguing that I should stay upstairs to get her to sleep. I told him it might take a while and I would like to watch tv whilst I fed her. He grabbed the remote and stood in front of the tv. When he switched it on I could see it was on an adult channel with the volume really low even though he was quick to change the channel. He didn't know I could see.

I cant believe he would do that while I was awake and walking about upstairs. He knows how much it upset me last time. He knows I would happily have sex!

I told him in the morning that I knew and he just walked out without saying anything. Later at work he rang me and pretended I never said anything and when I brought it up he said 'I think your over reacting, what do you want me to say? I know I'm in the wrong.'

I feel like shit about myself, my confidence is at an all time low. Its so disrespectful that he would choose that over having sex with me and I'm so angry that he shouted at me for interrupting his fucking wank session. What do you think I should do or say?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 27-Mar-13 13:17:19

Here is the link for Olgaga's blog:

You can do it - you will probably find that without him around sucking the life out of you, you start to feel better.

Lemonylemon Wed 27-Mar-13 12:14:01

OP: Woah, hang on a tick. I am not tough. Really I AM NOT. I have just had to get through it, that's all. I am lonely. I'm not allowed to date again because DS has banned me because his Dad died, then his step-Dad died and he just can't go through all that again. But I also choose to stay single because I have had boundary issues in relationships previous to my last OH. But that's by the by.

You are not weak, you've been through a rough time and you're still going through a rough time. The info I gave you in my last post was to arm you with some ammo and to try to help you out a bit in your efforts to collect your thoughts and cast an eye over your options.

Rejected Wed 27-Mar-13 12:05:53

Thanks Lemonylemon I cant imagine how tough you are to go through all that on your own. Im just not at all tough, I'm a weak and lonely person (its why I ended up with dp in the first place)
I will look up those posts.

Rejected Wed 27-Mar-13 12:00:55

Yes! I've told him that before! It is exactly like a house share.

Lemonylemon Wed 27-Mar-13 11:59:00

OP: I have no friends or support either. I have a Mum, yes, but she's drunk herself into terminal cirrhosis of the liver because everything was "all about her". I'm a widowed, single mum. I have to cope, I just have to. There are things that you can do to help yourself deal with everything. Surestart for centres you can go to with the kids, get babysitting help etc. for childminders/babysitters etc. Your local council for a list of childminders in your area. The Ofsted website for nurseries/after school clubs etc.

You may have had mental health issues before your DD was born, but this situation is not going to help that. You're going to end up so completely and utterly worn out/worn down, that you won't know whether you're coming or going and that's no good for you or your DD. If you search the poster olgaga, she's posted on loads of threads about services/resources that you would be able to access.

You said "There is a small part that wants to stay because sometimes its not this bad, although its never great."

I say, "yeah, but it's still shite, isn't it?" {HUG}

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 11:55:28

he has a whole life, as well as a sex life, completely separate to you

this isn't a relationship, it's a house share

Rejected Wed 27-Mar-13 11:48:55

Last night he just got home as I was putting dd back to bed. He said he would be up after having a snack. An hour and a bit passed and he still hadn't come to bed, he said he wanted to watch some tv. Then at 2am I went downstairs for a drink to find him asleep on the sofa with his duvet and pillows.

I've realised recently just how much he avoids being around me. When I'm not in bed he will go to bed really early (about 9.30) but when I'm in bed he will stay up until 2am or so. On weekends he will announce he's going out 2 minutes before he plans to leave so I don't get a chance to get me and dd ready to come along too.

I ask myself at times why I stay in the relationship. The biggest reasons why are because I don't have any support (no friends or family) and I'm a SAHM and haven't worked for quite a while due to mental health problems before I had dd. I just couldn't leave.

There is a small part that wants to stay because sometimes its not this bad, although its never great. I always convince myself its a rough patch and I really put so much of myself into fixing things but its one sided, lemonylemon you are very right about him not being bothered with anything.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:17:04

op u r going to have to swim uphill to get out of this situation. take a deep breath. it is goung to take effort. and u r tired from being ground down and caring for dc on your own. but how tired and joyless will u b after another 15 years of this!? he might dump u b4 that tho. u might be lucky.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:14:02

this relationship such as it is sounds so boring and so draining.
op, can u afford freedom? unlikelyamazonian asks why women stay in such awful relationships. i reckon it all comes down to money.

Lemonylemon Wed 27-Mar-13 10:12:26

"I don't have to deal with this disrespectful bollocks."

"He uses mollifying bollocks and you keep believing it."

I think the crux of the matter is that (sex aside), he can't be arsed to make an effort in any area of life with you, OP. His actions have shouted it out, plain and simple. He can't be arsed to look after his child, he can't be arsed to make the effort to understand the effect this has on you. He can't be arsed to make the effort sexually with you, preferring to have a wank over porn, he can't be arsed to make the effort to understand the effect this has on you.... He makes excuses to "leave you be" because he can't be arsed to make the effort, he can't be arsed to understand the effect this has on you.

Can you see a picture forming here? It's not about sex really. It's about his distinct lack of respect and his not being bothered about you.

EggyFucker Wed 27-Mar-13 09:29:22

What twg said

For me, this isn't about the wanking. Nothing wrong with that at all

It's about the fact he is using porn to get off in place of loving sex with his partner, lying about it (again) and shirking child care responsibilities in favour of servicing his cock

tallwivglasses Wed 27-Mar-13 08:44:28

I thought it was funny SS. And I think your 2nd interpretation is spot-on. He's just not acknowledging the fact that him preferring porn to real-life sex with his keen and loving wife is utterly shitty.

The sleeping on the sofa excuse just gives him the chance to watch more porn (and opt out of sharing baby duties). What a saddo. OP I think it's time to get tough. Why should you have to put up with being so miserable?

SergeantSnarky Wed 27-Mar-13 01:51:24

I am sorry, that wasn't big or clever - I am giving myself a biscuit and a hmm and you can report that one - given it is relationships thread and not chat. Sorry OP (genuinely) x

SergeantSnarky Wed 27-Mar-13 01:47:53

(In the voice of Dervla Kirwan)

Rich creamy hand- pulled food-porny sausage

This is not a wank

This is an M&S wank.

NotMostPeople Wed 27-Mar-13 01:12:38

Oops, Not sure what M&S has to do with it.

NotMostPeople Wed 27-Mar-13 01:11:54

I think SergeantSnarky has a point. His crime is having a wank and getting cross when caught. No it's not perfect behaviour but hardly ltb time. OP said he was initiating sex more so that issue isn't around so much. M&S he not allowed to have a wank?

Also not male btw.

SergeantSnarky Wed 27-Mar-13 01:01:53

So you have two opposing white/black white interpretations of the same text message.
The same as you can have two interpretations of masturbation. Or porn. Or never going to bed on an argument.

That is the problem with digital communication and not face to face. It is also the problem with thinking literally/laterally and the difference between what is said and what is meant or taken.

SergeantSnarky Wed 27-Mar-13 00:50:56

Im just leaving you be instead of making it worse, As I am too stupid to see my stonewalling is making it worse

im too tired to argue, it doesn't mean im horrible. I do not care enough to stay up and talk. I'm horrible

I can understand you being pissed at me for having a go at you, that was wrong of me, I just am going to quantify my wank any minute

don't feel having a quick tug = you wanting to cause this. * I have as much respect for my penis as I have for you*

Ive not cheated on you, ive not beat you about, I don't feel any less love for you because of it. I'm a hell of a guy

I know you feel low about yourself but why must you make it about that, it was a spur of the moment thing. You are at fault

I still find you attractive, so I cant see the same massive issue that you do.
You have the problem, not me

I don't want to ruin everything we have either though so what am I supposed to say? Im sorry I hurt your feelings x' *Rhetorical question. Passive aggressive non-apology' with an added kiss at the end as a sop to the OP.

SergeantSnarky Wed 27-Mar-13 00:39:57

I bleed. Do you not bleed? wink

No UnlikelyAmazonian I am a 41 year old 30-week-pregnant woman who has been with DP for sixteen years and doesn't see masturbation as the worst thing any partner could do. I really don't.
Maybe I am a man trapped in a woman's body smile

But I accept I am not the OP and I have always said to my other half if either of us feels something then it must be true/valid for us to be feeling that way. So if she feels rejected then she feels rejected.

My DP would piss himself at the idea of me appeasing anyone.

I just always find it interesting how language/communication/transcripts can be interpreted differently depending on interpreter, mood and experience.

You cannot force someone - male or female - into a dialogue. If they stonewall you can vote with your feet. The phrases he comes out with (and ostriching is my most hated thing incidentally) are passive-defensive from a linguist's point of view.

He defends explains and justifies but still sounds a bit...whiny.
There is of course a second interpretation...

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 23:36:57

Snarky, that is some impressive male appeasing you are displaying there

Is your hometown Stepford, by any chance wink

UnlikelyAmazonian Tue 26-Mar-13 23:33:36

I take it yr a man snarky

SergeantSnarky Tue 26-Mar-13 23:21:55

Im just leaving you be instead of making it worse, typical ostriching/knows he is going to put his foot in it whatever he says

im too tired to argue, off to his cave, maybe is too knackered to stay up and fight
it doesn't mean im horrible. * this is a bit whiny but on the defensive as knows he was wrong*

I can understand you being pissed at me for having a go at you, that was wrong of me, * he admits he was literally being a tosser*

I just don't feel having a quick tug *this phrase is unacceptable in its own right!*= you wanting to cause this. *underplaying/undermining the OP's feelings yes but genuinely sees a quick wank as a quick wank and doesn't realise she has taken it as a personal slight.

Ive not cheated on you, ive not beat you about, I don't feel any less love for you because of it. * him being defensive/crappy attempt at reassurance/self justification that he isn't as shite as she is making out

I know you feel low about yourself but why must you make it about that, it was a spur of the moment thing. he is separating masturbation from his relationship with her and unless he is wanking furiously 5x a day and ignoring her entirely/never ever wants sex then it is different

I still find you attractive, so I cant see the same massive issue that you do.
the OP doesn't need to justify why she feels it is a rejection - if she feels it, she feels it but by the same token they could agree to disagree and give each other time and space for their own needs or mutual masturbation in lieu of penetrative sex

I don't want to ruin everything we have either though so what am I supposed to say? Im sorry I hurt your feelings x'
* this sounded genuine. I know I am coming over all men are from mars, women are from venus (boak) but he genuinely doesn't get what he is meant to say next or why she is so aggrieved and she doesn't get why he doesn't get it...

SergeantSnarky Tue 26-Mar-13 23:02:20

Fair enough if that is your experience/interpretation - I didn't think he thought he was a decent bloke, rather he didn't understand why a crafty wank meant Marriage Postmortem and was citing three things that were worse (in a cackhanded way sure)

1. infidelity 2. physical abuse 3. no love left in the relationship

Okay it is him being defensive I'm not as horrible as that guy/piss poor attempt at reassuring her but I fail to see how 'he will probably end up doing both'.

But I maybe am hopelessly naive and try to see the best in people.
The dealbreaker is whether

a lower sex drive/withholding/preferring a wank to sex =

4. emotional abuse/irreconcilable differences

and only the OP can decide that.

jynier Tue 26-Mar-13 23:00:16

Possible OW? Your DH is acting exactly like mine (now X).

UnlikelyAmazonian Tue 26-Mar-13 22:46:20

Sorry sergeant but any man who thinks hes a decent bloke because 'I don't cheat or beat you up' has serious issues and isn't worth continuing with. Because he will probably end up doing both.

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