Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Its happened again. What the hell am I supposed to do about this?(56 Posts)
I started a thread 3 months ago -here
Things have been better since, he seemed to care more about my needs until last night.
He's been sleeping on the couch recently because of various excuses (crying baby, bad back) Last night I popped upstairs to put DD to bed, but ended up coming back downstairs with DD as she wasn't sleeping. He was looking shifty and started shouting at me and arguing that I should stay upstairs to get her to sleep. I told him it might take a while and I would like to watch tv whilst I fed her. He grabbed the remote and stood in front of the tv. When he switched it on I could see it was on an adult channel with the volume really low even though he was quick to change the channel. He didn't know I could see.
I cant believe he would do that while I was awake and walking about upstairs. He knows how much it upset me last time. He knows I would happily have sex!
I told him in the morning that I knew and he just walked out without saying anything. Later at work he rang me and pretended I never said anything and when I brought it up he said 'I think your over reacting, what do you want me to say? I know I'm in the wrong.'
I feel like shit about myself, my confidence is at an all time low. Its so disrespectful that he would choose that over having sex with me and I'm so angry that he shouted at me for interrupting his fucking wank session. What do you think I should do or say?
Sorry I didn't want to reply because I would say why would you stay in this relationship.
He is shouting at you for interrupting his porn and wanking time when you are dealing with your awake children and makes you feel like crap about yourself.
He pretends it doesn't happen and says you are over reacting, he knows he was in the wrong and what do you want him to say. He is deflecting the blame on to you.
There doesn't sound many more ways in which he could actually dismiss you and your feelings/cares.
No, you've not over reacted.
You have told him previously that this is unacceptable to you, and yet he has still chosen to ignore your feelings and boundaries.
This type of this was a major contributing factor in my divorcing my ex husband.
Not over reacting...you are right, it's not on...but you posted at kids home/tea time. Most of us will be back with proper answers in a bit.
I haven't read yout other fred, but I don't think you are over reacting.
Of course he shouted at you for interrupting his wank session, you caught him at it, in a position where it was pretty difficult to deny what he was doing, he was looking to make it all your fault.
I should read your other thread before offering advice, just didn't want you to feel further rejected.
How has it been since he opened up to you 3 months ago?
He knows I would happily have sex If you've been having sex more often since you posted it could simply be his urge was overwhelming last night and and as you were otherwise occupied he went ahead without you, so to speak - albeit to my mind, if he needed 'adult viewing' to get his rocks off he could have waited until dd had gone to sleep.
Urgh...wanking off to porn while your DC were awake and then getting angry and defensive
I would be interested to know how things have been and also what was his plan of action?
Hmm.. the 2 mins part of the last thread seemed to stand out. This all seems like a relationship where you don't communicate effectively in sexual matters, I get the feeling that this may have been always so to a degree rather than a recent thing? Seems reasonable to tackle DH at the time about it rather than complain after the fact to others that it's not enough. I'd guess he's not comfortable talking about things he likes on that level so prefers to be secretive about desires. Sorry, screams a bit out manchild ! Some growing up to do on his part emotionally. You could maybe do your bit by getting him to open up more but I'm no expert so I wish you luck in whatever way you proceed. My feeling is to try and open up with each other, really discuss things calmly.
Just read your other thread (for anyone who hasn't read it, it's really short so worth looking at for background) OP I'm really sorry things haven't improved.
The previous thread seemed quite positive at the end but it doesn't look like he's made any effort to confront this issue
You are not overreacting at all. Is he still saying it is the overweight issue?
It seems to me I should ask you to scratch my earlier response as I missed the bit where he shouted in the hope you'd not realise what he'd been up to with the tv. What a
devious defensive fucker he is.
You've said Things have been better since^ and he seemed to care more about my needs. How does this square with him sleeping on the couch recently because of various excuses (crying baby, bad back)?
Fwiw, as I've yet to encounter a couch that is suitable for anyone with a 'bad back' to crash out on, I'm inclined to the view that he prefers jacking off to nubile young women on the tv/porn sites than having sex with you - which is no reflection on you whatsoever but shows what manner of man he is.
What responses are you looking for, love ?
Nothing has changed since the last time you posted. I think I will just paste my response from back then. If you gave him an ultimatum 3 months ago, then don't make a liar of yourself. He is the liar.
AnyFucker Sat 26-Jan-13 13:20:03
"I have always been ok with porn but..."
OP, it might be worth having a look at all the threads that start this way.
Tell him you have changed your mind. You are "no longer ok with porn" since it is impacting on your sex life.
Has he lost any weight, btw
Or can he not be arsed with that either... (since his biggest excuse for wanking to other women instead of having sex with you last time was because he felt self conscious being overweight)
Just reminded myself of your last thread. For whatever reason, this man has a big hangup about having sex with you.
SO, other than the sex problem, what's he like as a partner and father? Is he generally kind, pleasant, good company? Does he do his share of housework and childcare? Do you think he respects, admires and loves you?
If the answer to all of those is 'No' then basically you might want to think about getting rid of him.
If he's lovely and wonderful in every other way, then it might be time to look into psychosexual counselling to help him get over this block, whether it's a Can't Lust After Sacred Mother hangup or whether it's to do with his own body image. But if he's a selfish dick then don't waste time or money on counselling, just get rid.
Sorry its taken me a while to come back, I have a very unhappy baby today.
All your responses are really helpful.
Since we spoke about it 3 months ago he has lost weight, is noticeably more confident and he has been rejecting me less - although thinking about it I don't tend to initiate it as much as I used to due to my confidence taking a knock last time.
Hes not done anything about feeling depressed so recently he's not really a very good partner and he doesn't do much with DD (He moans when I ask him to look after her so I can pop to the loo) I keep hanging on though mostly because we talk a lot about these issues and he will always promise to do something about them.
The couch sleeping is pretty recent. He's slept there on and off for about a month but this week he's done it for 2 nights in a row and I think he's probably going to sleep there tonight too.
Argh I don't even know what responses Im looking for. I know hes been a dick but I just don't know what to do anymore.
I didn't even make the connection about sleeping downstairs. Good point. Why would he go and be intimate with his loving wife when he can just press a button and watch porn on telly and knock one out without having to 'see to' someone else. Ugh.
Not that there is anything wrong with wanking obviously... But to do it instead of making an effort with your willing spouse, just ugh.
I text him to ask why hes avoiding my texts about it and asking him if he realises how horrible hes being making out that its my problem and then ignoring me.
He text me back saying ' Im just leaving you be instead of making it worse, im too tired to argue, it doesn't mean im horrible. I can understand you being pissed at me for having a go at you, that was wrong of me, I just don't feel having a quick tug = you wanting to cause this. Ive not cheated on you, ive not beat you about, I don't feel any less love for you because of it. I know you feel low about yourself but why must you make it about that, it was a spur of the moment thing. I still find you attractive, so I cant see the same massive issue that you do. I don't want to ruin everything we have either though so what am I supposed to say? Im sorry I hurt your feelings x'
'Ugh' indeed, at this devious twat's tactics and practices fuzz.
He moans when you ask him to look after his own dd so you can pop to the loo? Next time you need to relieve yourself, take a copy of War & Peace with you, OP, and don't come out until you've
painted your nails, done your hair/makeup, jacked off yourself etc read at least 10 chapters
I couldn't resist the temptation to add a touch of humour to your thread but, FGS, love, no wonder you've named yourself 'Rejected'. I suggest you give some consideration to rejecting
-all substandard goods your dp in favour of a more fulfilling and rewarding life as a single parent.
Here's a novelty...
have a face to face conversation
What's with the texts ? You are not a pair of teenagers. This is important...do it properly, fgs
jeez, would you end your marriage by text too ?
Um..Because hes working lates so I don't get a chance to speak face to face with him until the weekend.
it was a spur of the moment thing So 'spur of the moment' that he had to flick through the tv channels before auditioning the finger puppets?
Bit harsh Eggy, at least OP was facing the topic and did get back an answer of sorts.
He is still being too defensive though and needs to know that it might not seem like a big deal to him, but it is to you, and if he won't listen to that, then that's pretty low.
Not harsh at all.
This is the second time in 3 months poor Op is facing deal breaking behaviour from her husband
Have the conversation face to face
Join the discussion
Please login first.