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Does your h phone you with stuff to do for them? What is reasonable and what is not?

(75 Posts)
feelokaboutit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:03:15

I may be being unreasonable - please be gentle if you think I am...

To set the scene - h and I have a difficult relationship where no affection or love is shown. He is difficult to talk to, short tempered and bossy.

He has gone away to work for a few days (develop a property he owns) and is staying in a static campsite. He rang this morning to ask if I could chase up a package he had sent for a customer. I did this and rang him back with the info.

He then rang again and asked me to find the local number to the campsite he is staying in and tell them that the toilet in the caravan he is staying in is leaking. Part of me was thinking why can't he pop in to the office and talk to them as the place he is developing is literally next to the campsite - but probably would have just accepted he wanted this doing. He then said could I also tell them that they had booked a "silver" caravan and what they were given is definitely not of that standard. At this point I said why couldn't he go in to the office and tell them as it would make more sense than me phoning on their behalf from more that 100 miles away, having not seen the caravan etc.... He did say he was not near the office but I didn't find out where he actually was as at that point he was shouting etc...

He mimicked the way I said "on my behalf" in a really horrible way.... Acted all scathing and scornful, so I said fine, I would phone them, and hung up.

I looked up the campsite and found only the national number on the screen. Was considering phoning them up and asking for a local number but thought - no forget it. Plus his attitude and unkind way of talking and the fact that he only ever phones me to get me to do stuff - NEVER - to ask how I am etc, mean that I somehow lose the will to live. On top of which the dcs and I had a terrible morning getting to school today and I was really upset about that.

He rang a couple of times after that but I ignored the phone. Then this afternoon, when I was seeing my son's teacher (parents' afternoon) he rang twice but I was unable to pick the phone up. I then phoned him back thinking surely he must have moved on from this morning. But no. He asked me if I had phoned the campsite and I said no since there was no local number listed. He then started shouting as to why I hadn't phoned him or texted him to tell him this. I lied and told him I had been volunteering (which I sometimes do at my kids' school).... my point being that sometimes people are busy with their own stuff....

What I really would have liked to have said is that I am fed up with being so unloved and the potential daily bait for his displeasure.

Anyway, disregarding the fact that we have a lot of baggage and stuff we have not dealt with, should I have made more of an effort to phone the campsite on his behalf??

feelokaboutit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:04:08

Anyway, now feel even worse than this morning, thinking he is going to be in a foul mood when he comes home either tomorrow or the day after and I will be subjected first to a shouty telling off and then to a load of silence.

EuroShaggleton Tue 26-Mar-13 16:05:43

You obviously don't like so I don't understand why you are still together, but no, I don't think it was unreasoble to expect him to deal with that issue himself onsite.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 26-Mar-13 16:05:48

If someone showed me no care and attention and shouted at me, I would do nothing for them. Nothing at all. He is scornful, scathing, mimics you like a badly behaved child. Why are you with him?

prayingmantisgroupie Tue 26-Mar-13 16:06:39

No, he's a fully functioning adult isn't he? I do sometimes of course do stuff like that for my DH when he asks, but he asks nicely, and doesn't speak to me with such disrespect. I'm sorry he's treating you like this.

BadgersRetreat Tue 26-Mar-13 16:08:22

are you his employee? That's how he's behaving.

who phones the campsite is the least of your worries. Sorry he's being such a shit.

CrystalQueen Tue 26-Mar-13 16:08:40

Asking you nicely to do something that is difficult for him to do when he's away - reasonable.
Controlling you from a hundred miles away - unreasonable.
Maybe you should post in the Relationships section.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 26-Mar-13 16:09:31

Re read your OP

You can't ignore the oth stuff and focus on this incident. The other stuff is this incident - the way he speaks o yosu, the lack of thanks, the fact he expects you to run around after him etc etc.

It sounds awful living with him.

Nanny0gg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:11:05

I think if you want advice you'd best get this moved to Relationships rather than AIBU? You might find it more helpful as your problems go much deeper, clearly than you being his unofficial PA.

I think the parcel query was reasonable, but the rest was nonsense; he should have done it himself.
As to the telling off - point out you are not his PA and best he stops treating you (badly) like one.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 26-Mar-13 16:11:34

If my DH acted all scornful and scathing It would make me NOT help him. Why are you putting up with this? Does he scare you?

Toasttoppers Tue 26-Mar-13 16:14:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelokaboutit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:14:40

A little yes. His moods, short temperedness and sarcasm etc... do.

LibertineLover Tue 26-Mar-13 16:15:19

To set the scene - h and I have a difficult relationship where no affection or love is shown. He is difficult to talk to, short tempered and bossy

what do actually get out of this shit of a man?

With an attitude like that I woudn't be doing him any favours at all to be honest - I would tell him to do it himself.

He sounds horrid!! I would however, be doing myself a favour and getting rid of him.

MammaTJ Tue 26-Mar-13 16:16:50

I do things for my DP all the time, as he does for me. That is part of being in a partnership. What you have is more like master and slave tbh. It would not work for me. I would refuse to do anything for someone who spoke to me like that. Then, I would refuse to be with someone who spoke to me like that.

MajaBiene Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:09

I wouldn't do anything for anone who talked to me like that. Even my 2 year old knows he needs to ask nicely!

If DP asked me to do stuff he couldn't do himself/was easier for me to do of course I would help him. But no way would I run errands for him because he couldn't be arsed!

HotCrossPun Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:23

He sounds like a disrespectful arsehole.

It's normal to do favours for your partner, it's not normal for him to speak to you like you are a skivvy.

It doesn't sound like you are getting much out of the relationship at the moment.

Why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming features?

feelokaboutit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:48

Well, it is my side of the story. He works very hard and is very responsible. I have much more time than him as I am at home (though I would rather be working while the kids are at school but that is a whole other story as I am lacking in confidence and the job market is so difficult). He does have a lighthearted side but is generally a workaholic, and there is no emotional intimacy between us. I don't really know what to do. Indecision is the story of my life.

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 16:18:12

Does he make you feel sad when he says things, or angry?

Regardless of how hard he works, how you have more time than him he should not talk to you like you are a bit of dirt on his shoe.

feelokaboutit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:19:10

Nervous and justifying.

Smellslikecatspee Tue 26-Mar-13 16:19:18

Sweetheart, and I don't mean that meanly, but why are you with him? Why are you letting him treat you like this?

I came on the threat to say yes my OH can be a pain, he'll call me at work and ask me to do something in the house but when I point out to him that I can't clone myself and he did actually drop me off at work. . He'll do a 'D'oh' and laugh.

Or if he does actually ask me to do somthing it will be because its something that I have more knowledge or ability, but then I'll do the same to him.

You shouldn't have to live with this treatment, I would politely suggest you ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships, you'll find a lot of help and support there

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 26-Mar-13 16:19:37

Do you have children, OP?

I would also suggest you get this moved to relationships. Not because you won't get good advice on AIBU, but there is agreater concentration of experienced posters on Relationships who can advise. If you want, just reprt your OP to MN and ask for it to be moved

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 26-Mar-13 16:23:06


Your side of the story - your feelings are all you need to listen to here.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 26-Mar-13 16:25:51

Sorry, i din't phrase that very well. I didn't mean you shouldn't listen to us, I meant that you should not discount your feelings in search of some oobjective reality about him - your comment about " only my side of the story". He is unpleasant enough to be making you very unhappy, that is the truth of the matter.

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