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I've lost a really really good friend since having kids

(15 Posts)
StarryHappy Mon 25-Mar-13 23:35:00

anyone else gone through this?

BikeRunSki Mon 25-Mar-13 23:37:21

Yep. It sucks.

ComeOnBeANoOne Mon 25-Mar-13 23:48:48

A lost quite a few who clearly weren't as 'good' friends as I expected. Then lost a couple who XP took a dislike to... fortunately they are letting me rebuild bridges now. You'll learn to appreciate the ones who do care a whole lot more though. smile

HarrietSchulenberg Mon 25-Mar-13 23:56:41

Yes. But I've gained new friends too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 26-Mar-13 06:21:26

Friendships cycle through different phases of life. Kids, moving house, different jobs... I think I've got one or two friends that have been there throughout but the rest are much more transient. Wouldn't worry too much... just make new friends.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 26-Mar-13 06:25:57

How can you lose a good friend by having children? Doesn't that mean they weren't actually a true friend?

Phineyj Tue 26-Mar-13 09:10:55

^^ this, and it works both ways. I got dumped by a number of friends when they had their kids and had to tolerate years of my DSis saying 'you couldn't possibly understand' if I tried to sympathise with her mum problems. A true friend will still be there when you emerge from the nappies.

StarryHappy Tue 26-Mar-13 10:15:44

We were extremely close in uni. When we graduated we vowed to stay close, we were in a group of 6 close friends.

I moved to a new job, and got married to my fiance. (she was my brides maid) and a year later I fell pregnant with dd1.

After that I just didn't have enough time to attend the amount of meets and catch ups we used to have. I didn't call her as much and it snow balled. All the other girls in group were so easy to chat to on phone and in person.
I always went to the yearly BIG meet ups we arranged that were all of us together, staying out the night somewhere (first one we did, dd1 was about 16 weeks and I was EB feeding, I expressed off so much supply milk and had to introduce her to bottles so that dh could have her for an over night stay) none of the others had kids and just didn't get the organising that went into that weekend... and wasted milk I had to pump and dump while I was with them. sad

She wrote me a letter about a year ago listing the things that have upset her:
I hadn't bothered with her enough.
That I'd not really made an effort to call.
That when she was working abroad in really difficult circumstances I didn't bother enough to contact her via letters
That I've (since graduating) spoke to someone from back in university that at the time was quite bitchy and used to spread rumours... (I'm all for allowing water under the bridge and that life is too short not to forgive)angry this one really did seem ridiculous

I tried countless times to arrange to meet her, called her, messaged, wrote letters. She just isn't interested.
she was at a function I went to this weekend and blanked me in front of the rest of the girls from our friendship group. I was gutted. It also made for a horrible atmosphere for those who knew about it. sad
I tried one last message to her via text (she wouldn't answer a call from me if I tried)
I just told her I was disappointed in her lack of effort for the sake of the others in our group. That I couldn't understand her choice to be so stand off ish.(when I asked her a question at the weekend, she give me one or too word answers, and considered herself to be civil)
She text me back yesterday, asking for contact to stop and that she has enough stress in her life and that she didn't need this shit.

I'm just so gutted. sad sad sad

StarryHappy Tue 26-Mar-13 10:17:56

Point is, I know I could have tried harder. I'm said sorry to many times. I've admitted that she had a good point. I've asked her for forgiveness and she isn't interested. sad

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 26-Mar-13 11:18:03

ah. I see. I thought you meant she'd walked away from you because you had children.

All her 'you didn't bother enough suggests that you did make contact, she just wanted more attention than you were able to give at that time. Yes, you could have kept in more contact, but tbh, I would expect a grown up to be able to understand that lives get busy the older you get and you don't need to be in each other's pockets in order to be friends.

You have apologised more than once, you have accepted your part in it, hell, it reads like you've practically got down on your knees and begged for forgiveness. If she wants to sulk like a five year old then let her. I am not sure what more she wants from you. For you to strip naked in the town square and submit to a public flogging?

At this point, I think you have to accept that you have done all you can, you have tried to set things straight and she is more interested in a load of 'oh poor me' crap than actually allowing you to mend fences.

And you're right - the you talking to someone who used to do whatever is really pathetic. Unless of course, that person spread such vile things that it really ruined her life, in which case I can see why she'd carry hurt with her.

She doesn't want you in her life. You have to accept that and move on without her. Just be civil if your paths cross and stop trying to plead for forgiveness.

Just out of interest, she wrote to you saying how you hadn't made any effort - how much effort did she make? Did she contact you regularly? Or was she sitting back huffing that you didn't contact her enough?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 26-Mar-13 13:12:32

Sorry to be blunt - but she's not a 'real' friend I'm afraid.
True friends understand that you aren't always available for them.
Time to let go.

StarryHappy Tue 26-Mar-13 14:29:00

I'm too
I'd say that from moving away to my new job, at first we rang all the time and texted all the time. She moved to about 5 hours journey away and I only made it down to visit her in her new town about once. But I was very close with her family and so was my husband. Other members of the group lived much nearer so we used to meet in a mutual area and she's always offer to come up to us and stay as it seemed more obvious.
We made special trips to her home town whilst I was pregnant and then when DD was born. We met up with her and even took DD1 in the push chair in the train to go and support her in a run she was taking part in.
I'd say after DD's came along, she'd call about once a month and text at other times and I would call her about every 2-3 months if I'm honest.

We've seen each other every year about 3-4 times a year since Uni I'd say. But I did stop calling her as much as we had so little in common and I found it very hard to make conversation with her. I did all the talking and asked all the questions and she answered with "yes", "no" and "fine". I've spoken to others in the group who also say they struggle with her phone demeanor so I know it's not just me she's like that with.

I also felt that she may have been aware of how different our lives have panned out. I'm married with 2 kids and have been in a relationship for 11 years. She is the only one in the group not married, no partner and no kids. I feel awful saying that, but it is the facts.

She has had an awful run of bad things happen to her and I think I may have just missed too much of what has happened for her to feel comfortable to talk to me about it. But I also feel that the anger and frustration she has regarding some of the things that have happened to her, she has transferred on to how she feels about me.

I know I have to just accept it now. But DH is sick of hearing about it and is really angry with her. We're going to a wedding she'll be at in 2 weeks time. I'm dreading it for that reason, but really want to go to be supportive of my our mutual friend who is getting married.

I just came on here for a bit of a moan really and to talk to someone about it.

I had no idea that this issue was common when people have kids. But it appears that it happens more than I thought sad

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 26-Mar-13 15:41:06

Reading that, I don't think you have treated her as badly as she - or you! - think you have.

You know, if it's that difficult to make conversation with someone - they're not a friend.

Demote her to someone you used to know.

Be civil when you see her. nod and say hi. But don't prostrate yourself. You offered genuine apologies and she chose to be a drama queen about it.

Let her go.

And that means stop talking about it to your husband all the time! grin

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 15:46:22

It all sounds a bit intense even in the past tbh, conversations about remaining "close", having "friendship groups", high expectations and drama.

Agree with I'mtoohecsy, just write it off to experience, disengage and stop moaning to your poor H!

StarryHappy Tue 26-Mar-13 16:09:19

Your both right. It was rather intense, it always was when we were all in uni. I come from a family that don't work really really hard at friendships, they either come naturally or not at all.
I have thought about it a lot since the weekend and think that actually I didn't do anything wrong.
The rest of the girls in the group have been more than understanding and are happy with just a catch up phone call now and again and the odd wedding or birthday here and there... and that suits me. wink

Thanks for the advice. smile

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