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this is wrong, isn't it?

(88 Posts)
vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 11:42:40

History is that since having ds nearly 10 years ago, dh and I have had relationship problems. While pregnant, sex was uncomfortable and I completely lost all desire.

To be honest, I never got it back completely and it's been the cause of many rows, sulking, being told that I humiliate him and reject him. I am told that we never have sex (even though we probably average once every 10 days)

The other night, I was apparantly lying in bed like a piece of wood and not responding to his advances. He rolled over and was cold to me for 2 days. This happens every few months.

Then he says to me that to make it all ok, I have to promise to respond to his advances every time, even if I don't feel like it. An alarm bell has been ringing in my head ever since and I feel like that's all he wants me for.

His argument is that he wants lots of sex with me because he loves me and desires me. He says he is so affectionate, where lots of men he knows aren't with their wives, so I should be grateful. He says I show him no affection (I don't agree with this) and I humiliate him by not being interested in sex with him every time he wants to.

We've been having the same arguement for 10 years and we never resolve anything. We should call it a day shouldn't we? I can't make my libido return and he won't accept a relationship without constant sex.

I'm losing all respect for him and feel that he needs to be with someone who can fulfil all his desires. I'm so tired of the same arguments, but feel sad for my children if this may be the reason why they can't live with their father.

If anyone can help clear my head that would be great.

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 22:12:13

Vieniqua, get some sleep and gather your strength. You are probably in some kind of shock and you need to rest. You said yourself - he agreed it is over. What you may be feeling is loss.

Jux Tue 26-Mar-13 17:51:51

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who can't be bothered to listen to them, and especially no one wants to shag a twat who doesn't bother to listen to them. Where do these idiots gets their ideas?

He's a dead loss, vieniqua. I'm so sorry.

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 17:20:04

I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm not able to think of anything right now. I feel like I just want to go to sleep, my head feels so heavy. it's a strange feeling.

Luckily the dc make it easier not to think about it right now.

I'm dreading dh coming home, I don't know if he'll be calm or angry or upset.

This morning he talked at me and I just stood there and listened and cried because he wouldn't listen to anything I said. I can't just pack up and leave, but how can we live in the same house with this horrible atmosphere? This is just awful.

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 16:37:47

Lueji has a point about going step by step. If you are not intending to move permanently you may need to think of how to get back and you may want to get that put in place now. Do you see yourself continuing to live here even if you separate?

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:37

You're all wonderful. Spoke to my friend today. She said what you're saying - that I should go see my parents.

I'm feeling a bit wibbly about dh. And sad for him, even though my head KNOWS all the bad stuff, all that snowshapes has written. It's so so hard. I don't know how I'll ever be able to detach.
Lueji, that just sounds so scary.

Lueji Tue 26-Mar-13 14:15:53

This is where you talk to people, CAB, check any benefits and speak to a solicitor.
It may seem overwhelming right now, but you can go step by step.

Strength vibes. smile

snowshapes Tue 26-Mar-13 13:21:21

Hi, was thinking of your post this morning, so much resonated for me. Talk to your friend, don't minimise it, go see your parents, stay strong. Everyone on here is right, it is abuse, and if he is still blaming you, that is part of his efforts to control you. It is not love. Once you begin to recognise that, which you have, you cannot live with it. So don't cave, stay strong, post here, seek out your RL friends, and step by step you will find a way through for you and your DCs. All the very best.

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 12:36:25

Hi vieniqua, I feel strongly that you should take a break from him to be with your family. They will give you perspective on your situation and show you what things could be like for you. They will remind you what it is like to be respected and valued and an important part of someone's life. You don't have to tell him you're leaving him, perhaps you don't know if you want to yet.

What would he say if you suggested you going away?

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 11:36:47

Yes I am close to my family, but I think I'd prefer to go to them. The dc have a couple of big things coming up, but by May, we'd be free to go, at least for a break, or for good.
The couple of times in the past when I've been on the verge of leaving, DH will usually be angry, but then calm down and try to talk sense into me, he'll ask me if I really want to throw it all away - that's the point where I'll break down and cave in and think I can live with the horrible time every few months, because the rest of the time it's not too bad.
I wish it could all go away and we could just be happy. (I know it won't though)

I can't believe how nice and sweet and helpful you all are. I have to thank you all again, even if I don't thank you individually.

Helltotheno Tue 26-Mar-13 11:22:50

Yes talk to your friend. No matter what happens, it will take a weight off you to be able to share it. Are you close to your family? Would any of them consider coming over to stay with you for a while, or near you?

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 10:54:13

Thanks Libertine, I think I will.
Sorry, I spelt your name wrong Lueji!

LibertineLover Tue 26-Mar-13 10:41:04

Your parents are not a million miles away, far away yes, maybe go for a break? take the kids, have a holiday and think? and I think talking to your friend In RL would be a good move, if she's a good friend.

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 10:37:28

I don't know Lugji, I'm so utterly confused. I don't know what to do logistically or what to tell the children. I don't even know if I'm strong enough to not go backwards. It's so scary and my parents are a million miles away.

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 10:35:27

libertine, it can be good when I feel "in the mood" but it's not like it used to be. My friend saw me looking upset this morning and wants me to go over to hers to talk. I hate airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, but maybe it's a good idea?

Lueji Tue 26-Mar-13 10:28:56

Good on you for ending it.
I think his reaction is very telling. He's still blaming you.

Do you actually love him or the man you hoped he would be?

LibertineLover Tue 26-Mar-13 10:17:38

OP can I ask if the sex is good sex? for you I mean? does he push your buttons ever? you should never have sex when you don't want to, but maybe if you worked on the quality of the sex you would be jumping in the sack?

Not minimilising his shitty behaiour, this is food for thought for any ongoing relationships you may go on to have.

QuietNinjaTardis Tue 26-Mar-13 10:14:38

Bollocks is he the perfect husband. Nobody's perfect! And he sounds like a complete cock. I have no brilliant advice for you as you've had loads but I bet your neck and shoulders feel a lot better once you're shot of this dick. I get sore neck and shoulders when I am tense and stressed and it gets stiff and sore. I bet once you feel more relaxed from not being under pressure all the time then you'll feel better. Good luck sweetheart, you'll be fine x

Helltotheno Tue 26-Mar-13 10:06:04

OP there's no need for you to say sorry, you owe him nothing. Whatever you do, don't cave and say sorry. Keep referring back to this thread. He's trying to blame you now and you have to stand up for yourself and make sure he doesn't get to do that.

He might as well go somewhere and pay for it for all he can be bothered to do anything to deserve it from you.

This 100%. He'll come to realise nobody else with put up with his arsey behaviour either.

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 10:03:39

Channel that misguided love into yourself, you deserve it

You can't work at something if the other is not willing to compromise. A marriage cannot be saved unilaterally.

he has told you in no uncertain terms it would have to be you turning yourself into a Stepford Wife if he is going to stick around.

Never. Gonna. Happen.

Helltotheno Tue 26-Mar-13 10:03:38

OP it's right thing for you to split, even though you might not fully feel it now.
Please talk to family and friends about it first. Don't allow yourself to be worn down. The people who care about you will support you.

vieniqua Tue 26-Mar-13 09:57:58

Thank you all for your words and understanding. We finally did talk this morning and he's agreed that it's over. Completely right Jux, won't see it, won't admit anything. It's all my fault, I am destroying the family. He's incredibly angry and says he won't go to counselling, he's the perfect husband, affectionate all the time.
I'm a mess, can't stop crying, but I know I've done the right thing. I feel relief, but I'm worried that I will cave in and say sorry like I usually do. Deep down there's still love for him though, what do I do with that?

Jux Tue 26-Mar-13 09:13:43

Abuse abuse abuse! That's what he's doing. By all means try to talk. He won't see it, won't admit anything - even the possibility that he may be playing some part in this.

Sex can be completely loveless so his excuse that that's what makes him feel loved is bollocks. He's broken. Does he think his children love him? Does he love his parents? Does he have sex with them too? Of course not, I'm sure. It's an excuse to make you responsible, at fault, to blame, so he can just get his rocks whenever he wants to without having to do anything to deserve it. He might as well go somewhere and pay for it for all he can be bothered to do anything to deserve it from you.

God, he makes me [anger] on your behalf. I loathe and despise men like this.

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:33:50

After all these years, he isn't going to suddenly see your viewpoint

Stop talking to him, and start talking to a professional who can help you leave

womans aid is a good place to start

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Mar-13 08:32:49

oh yes I meant to add, once a week/10 days is fabulous as far as I'm concerned!! wink grin

Helltotheno Tue 26-Mar-13 08:29:38

Branleuse objectively it really can't be said this guy is constantly being rejected...he's actually doing ok. Maybe he just needs to defocus from his own selfish wants and think about others for a while? OP has already said he's not even a great father so what is the point of him?

OP could you talk to anyone in rl and explain the situation and how unhappy you are, like a good friend or family member? Don't for a minute think there's anything valid in what he said...its just more emotional blackmail designed to make you feel bad and think everything is your fault. He's just a selfish twunt...

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