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this is wrong, isn't it?

(88 Posts)
vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 11:42:40

History is that since having ds nearly 10 years ago, dh and I have had relationship problems. While pregnant, sex was uncomfortable and I completely lost all desire.

To be honest, I never got it back completely and it's been the cause of many rows, sulking, being told that I humiliate him and reject him. I am told that we never have sex (even though we probably average once every 10 days)

The other night, I was apparantly lying in bed like a piece of wood and not responding to his advances. He rolled over and was cold to me for 2 days. This happens every few months.

Then he says to me that to make it all ok, I have to promise to respond to his advances every time, even if I don't feel like it. An alarm bell has been ringing in my head ever since and I feel like that's all he wants me for.

His argument is that he wants lots of sex with me because he loves me and desires me. He says he is so affectionate, where lots of men he knows aren't with their wives, so I should be grateful. He says I show him no affection (I don't agree with this) and I humiliate him by not being interested in sex with him every time he wants to.

We've been having the same arguement for 10 years and we never resolve anything. We should call it a day shouldn't we? I can't make my libido return and he won't accept a relationship without constant sex.

I'm losing all respect for him and feel that he needs to be with someone who can fulfil all his desires. I'm so tired of the same arguments, but feel sad for my children if this may be the reason why they can't live with their father.

If anyone can help clear my head that would be great.

Lueji Mon 25-Mar-13 17:15:33

Is it really a loss of sex drive, or is sex with him the problem?

I know I did start avoid having sex with ex at some point, particularly as he felt so entitled to it, and there were other issues. However, my sex drive can be just as high as it had always been, and it was then.

Is he capable of affection without it leading to sex?

How is your relationship otherwise (just answer to yourself, if you don't want here).

Lueji Mon 25-Mar-13 17:16:20

And if you are tired, is he contributing enough?

Helltotheno Mon 25-Mar-13 17:18:12

Hellsbells76 is right, the problem here is that this guy is just a shit with a bad personality, it's nothing to do with sex. Even reading your OP makes me feel like slapping him figuratively.

I suggest you calmly tell him that the two of you don't want the same thing but you want to make a co-parenting arrangement work for the sake of the kids and respect him enough to give that a go. Then tell him he's free to leave.

Please don't feel you have to spend the rest of your life putting up with this twattery. Dude's not doing that badly getting sex every ten days and lots of men would tell you that. Don't be held to ransom for the rest of your life by this idiot's neediness. If you feel you can salvage a friends thing, you're better off doing that now. You'd have a much easier life.

moonabove Mon 25-Mar-13 17:23:44

You've mentioned counselling for yourself a couple of times and I think that's a good idea. If nothing else it might give you some resources for communicating with dh and building your confidence.

Going by your posts he does sound pretty unpleasant - it's completely wrong to just demand sex and say you don't even care if your partner doesn't enjoy it, that's so cold and creepy. Maybe you should tell him to at least try to be caring and loving even if he doesn't feel it!

vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 17:30:54

I'm taking 2 classes with the idea of starting work soon. I've been a sahm since ds was born. I feel dh contributes enough, and I don't know exactly why I'm so tired, I don't think I should be and have had blood tests to find out why, but nothing came up.

I think it's a loss of sex drive altogether, not just personal to dh. I just don't feel like I want it the way I used to. He's not really capable of affection without it leading to sex, he says he gets so turned on by me.... I don't know what to think of that, he says it's a compliment, it just doesn't feel like that to me..... maybe I have to change my thoughts on this.

My relationship is good when dh is having sex once a week. If it goes on longer, he starts to help less around the house (at the weekend when he's able to help), speaks without smiling, won't do anything nice for me. Far from ideal. He says if I wanted to have sex more, he'd be super sweet and nice all the time.

So most of the time we go along smoothly, but every few months, the sex decreases for a bit for one reason or another, and we have these huge breakdowns.

Helltotheno Mon 25-Mar-13 17:40:01

He says if I wanted to have sex more, he'd be super sweet and nice all the time.

Nice people don't say things like that, they really don't.
He gets turned on by you because you're a convenient orifice. Sorry to be blunt OP but there's a way of showing love to someone, and you would know if he was showing love as opposed to having sex on you. It doesn't feel like a compliment to you because it simply isn't one.

Can't stress how much I think you should dump him. It sounds to me like you're tired partly because of all this and it's actually depressing you.

vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 17:46:19

Helltotheno, that's how I feel deep down, I know it because your post just made me suddenly burst into tears. It's just so hard when you've got 13 years of history. I don't know where to begin....

Helltotheno Mon 25-Mar-13 17:51:12

Sorry OP, I didn't mean for my post to upset you sad
I'm just very cross on your behalf about those things he's said because they're controlling and manipulative, no two ways about that.

Have you thought about how the logistics would be if you were to split up? Is he a good dad?

Jux Mon 25-Mar-13 17:58:49

You won't get your libido back because you don't want to sleep with a selfish tosspot.

When you are with a man who respects you, is affectionate, is interested in you, talks to you and is kind, helpful and fun, en your libido may well surprise you.

vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 18:02:14

He's not a great dad, no. He cares about the dc, but not hands on, doesn't ever play with them. He says it's because he's so tired from work, but even at the weekends, he doesn't ever involve them in anything. He's never ever done a bedtime.

The thing is though, I'm from somewhere very far away and don't think I could stay here if I'm not with him so I'd be separating the dc from him, which is what I'm struggling with (even though he's not a hands on dad, my dd feels very attached to him, ds not so much).

It's not the first time I've considered leaving him, but the logistics are difficult. I could always stay here, but I miss my family and feel sad that my parents and siblings can't be near the dc. They have a great bond. I'm very confused and don't know what's for the best, I have to keep thinking about it.

Thank you for replying to me, it's helping me clarify everything.

vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 18:09:20

Jux, what you're saying is true, but when things are smooth, he'll do anything for me and is kind and helpful.

He says that when he's not "satisfied" (for want of a better word) then he feels I don't love him so he withdraws his affection and goes cold. He wants me to be constantly showing him that I love him, which I understand to a certain degree, but it's very hard work, especially when you have kids who need attention and love too.....

I'm sure this sounds bad, and that good men understand that dc take up your attention. i just don't know any different really, but my friends' husbands seem much more caring and good with their dc.

SoupDreggon Mon 25-Mar-13 18:19:11

Random questions to think about:

What was it like before children?
If you could go back there (with children), would you want to?
Would you want to go back there with him?
What needs to change about him? Apart from him not behaving like a complete wanker, obviously.
If those things changed, would you still want to be with him?

MysteriousHamster Mon 25-Mar-13 18:19:56

Once a week to ten days is great OP. It's not tonnes, but I bet it's pretty near the true average (okay just what I guess going by anecdotes!). He probably wouldn't be happy if you were doing it twice as often.

mcmooncup Mon 25-Mar-13 18:23:30

OP, I assure you there is nothing wrong with your sex drive.
You just don't like having sex with twats.

Coerced sex is awful for your self worth, your post about 'compromise' makes me want to screeeeeaaaaam. You must NEVER have sex 'to keep the peace' ever again. You deserve more. Logistics can be sorted, staying in a marriage like this forever will lose you completely eventually.

expatinscotland Mon 25-Mar-13 18:28:00

'He's not really capable of affection without it leading to sex, he says he gets so turned on by me.... I don't know what to think of that, he says it's a compliment, it just doesn't feel like that to me..... maybe I have to change my thoughts on this.'

Yuk! This is classic emotional abuse. And if you have been here for 10 years with him, you are entitled to stay here as long as you wish.

Spiritedwolf Mon 25-Mar-13 18:46:13

There's two ways to look at it Vieniqua, there is the way you seem to be seeing it at the moment, that your thirteen year history is a bind and that you should stay together because you've made it this far. I'd like to introduce you to another way of looking at it:

Thirteen years you've put up with this selfish man. That's more than long enough to give him a chance to show his true colours. If he was going to turn into a sensitive and caring partner then he would have done it by now. No point wasting any more time waiting for the leopard to change his spots.

I'm appalled that he sees you as an object to masterbate in, rather than a living breathing person whose feelings about and desire for sex matter. You don't ever have to have sex when you don't want to have it. This isn't something you can compromise about in a relationship, if one person doesn't want to have sex, it doesn't happen. Period.

If you want to increase your sex drive, then you can look at ways of doing that. But please don't feel you have to. If he has sexual 'needs' that don't involve caring and loving his partner, then he can masterbate or ask to leave the marriage to seek his fortunes elsewhere. You shouldn't feel coerced into sex in order that he is a decent husband who does his fair share about the house.

I have had a higher sex drive than my husband for some time during our marriage. I was maybe a bit hurt by his 'rejections' but I would never have wanted him to have sex with me reluctantly. Eventually, I stopped wrapping up my self esteem and how much I believed he loved me in our sex life, and my sex drive became lower (or at least I was less upset about being rejected!). His sex drive improved when he was under less stress some months later and we did meet in the middle. But this apparent 'compromise' never meant him having sex when he didn't want it. It was love and understanding combined with a bit more self awareness on my part. Sex became more fun and spontaneous without the pressure I had put on it, and we finally concieved our much longed for (by both of us!) baby.

What I'm saying about my story, is that its not your job to make yourself more available to him. If your low sex drive is a problem for you, then you can look to see if there are medical, emotional or relationship reasons for it. But please don't let him force you into sex. That's not a loving partner, that's a rapist.

amverytired Mon 25-Mar-13 18:55:30

It really is wrong, you know, horribly wrong.

I wonder if you actually feel that he loves you, seeing as though it's all about him not feeling you love him. I suspect that you don't actually feel loved at all, which isn't going to help the libido (for good reason).
I have experienced the sort of pressure you are under, and really, I now see it was emotional abuse.

Spiritedwolf Mon 25-Mar-13 19:00:01

I apologise for the way I've worded that bit. Nobody lets someone force them into sex. What I mean is, if he forces you and coerces you into sex then it is sexual abuse. It is not okay. Please don't 'let' him convince you that having sex you don't want to have is a normal part of a loving sexual relationship.

ExasperatedSigh Mon 25-Mar-13 19:29:04

Just to reassure you on the point about your dc living far away from him if you split, physical distance doesn't have to mean a crap relationship. My dad worked away a lot when we were kids but he worked hard at keeping our relationship alive - phone calls, letters, lots of time spent with us when he could. My mum did everything she could to facilitate this too (they were divorced). He was in our lives despite the circumstances and we were all glad of it.

Please don't let your worries on this point keep you in a situation in which you sound so very unhappy. It will be up to your husband to make the effort and tbh he sounds the type to just not bother, but that will be on him, not you.

cjel Mon 25-Mar-13 19:41:56

Obviously if you don't want sex then no one has the right to make you. Just to be devils advocate here though.Men really do see that sex means love, if you really are unresponsive that would upset him and maybe he feels that you are saying 'I don't like you' every time. It really is rejection to him,He feels really hurt and doesn't have the maturity to vocalise how difficult it is for him to love you so much and not be loved back. Before I get flamed here I want to say that it doesn't make it right what hes doing. Also I would definitely say go for counselling on your own. It will help you work through your confusion and sex is a really lovely thing and you are missing out on something good in all sorts of ways - its good excercise and relaxation!!!

snowshapes Mon 25-Mar-13 19:46:56

Agree this is wrong. He is coercing you into sex you do not want. He knows you do not want it. It is sexual assault. My STBXH was similar, also tied doing chores to wanting his sexual needs met, and more. It was abusive. Leaving is hard but he does not respect you and you deserve more.

I also suspect it is nothing to do with your libido and everything to do with him. Honestly. How are you going to feel okay one month postpartum if you are being sent to the gp for oestrogen cream, when your response was perfectly normal.

ThreeTomatoes Mon 25-Mar-13 19:56:51

A book that might help - you, that is, not your relationship.

I'm pretty shock at what you've described of his behaviour. sad

PoppyField Mon 25-Mar-13 20:20:47

I agree with Cogito - he's a bully. Tell him he's bullying you and see how contrite he is. Somebody who cares for you should be contrite. He should care that he is upsetting you. Or will he just carry on regardless? A Class A shit will carry on regardless. He will be making a choice to behave like a Class A shit. He is choosing to behave this way.

And I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who is so horrible and insulting either. It's not exactly stroking you and making you feel adored is it? Just how does he love you? Not in a very nice way...from where I'm standing.

I feel for you. He is being nasty and vicious. No conscience at all.

vieniqua Mon 25-Mar-13 20:41:11

The support on here is so amazing, I thank you all for your thoughts. I'm going to read the whole thread again and really take it in.
I want to have a conversation with dh, we're speaking but it's so strained at the moment.
But I don't want to have the exact same conversation that we always have so I need to gather my thoughts and I will use some of your words.
I am so very grateful to everyone who's posted, this gets me down a lot and I need to resolve it, I don't want this situation again, whether I stay or go.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 25-Mar-13 21:10:02

10 years is far too long to put up with such abuse and pressure. It is against your feelings and therefore it is tantamount to rape. As someone said up-thread leopards don't change their spots. Stop sleeping with him immediately.

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