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(183 Posts)
Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:39:30

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Mon 01-Apr-13 19:35:28

I read this post yest but didn't get round to replying
like someone else said this has pissed me off
i think if the counselling did not work then you need to try CBT to manage your behaviour and then maybe go back to the counselling after that.
You know you are in the wrong and I have noticed on this thread that you are not prepared to listen to anyone. go and see your GP about it they can refer you or give you a leaflet to refer yourself. Maybe you can phone them next time you think about contacting the man...?????

olgaga Tue 26-Mar-13 21:16:17

Its near-impossible to make life-changing decisions to protect the emotions of a stranger

Except a lot of people on this thread have been trying to communicate to the OP that this is about her own self-respect and potential, and how she deserves better than this. As does the duped wife, and the children involved.

How many women are just in this for the sex? Does anyone seriously think a woman hangs around for two years in a part-time relationship just for the sex? No, she was hoping he'd leave his wife.

Nevertheless, I applaud OP and hope she maintains her resolve when he rings up for a quick shag because he simply can't bear life without her. Because he will, unless he has his someone else lined up.

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 18:56:05

Thanks again to all who have been supportive, but I am definitely going to leave the thread now.

Its not helpful at all when I am struggling with this to be continually told that I 'wont stop' and that I have 'been had' and my words twisted continually (and sometimes even words added where they never were! (great love story?)

Its a shame really as some of the nicer posts I found very comforting, whilst I cry 'like a teenager, over someone elses husband'

Thanks again.

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 18:44:41


I was being saracastic, not snippy.

And if you had read the thread you would not only see that I wanted to end it, so have ended it and on top of that have never once decalred it to be some 'great love story'


cupcake78 Tue 26-Mar-13 18:31:30

Oh op he's good! He's got you just where he wants you.

So he loves his wife and children but just somehow isn't fulfilled by them. He's never horrible about her. He's good in bed and makes you feel amazing!

Seriously open your eyes! You've been well and truly had. He's lied to his wife and children for 2 years and you don't think he's lying to you? Of course he is. He's telling you what you want to hear so you stick around for his convenience.

He's manipulative and he's using you for his own sick little game. He's taking the piss out of you and sadly you've been played like a fiddle!

Sorry op but for the past 2 years hes told you a load of rubbish to get you just where he wants you. Wasting your life waiting about for when he decides he fancies a shag!

Nobody is worth so little.

Wake up and smell the lies, deceit and manipulation!

You'll never stop until you see what's really going on. It's such a shame your life is stopped from being in a fulfilling honest relationship. If this man really loved you he would want you to be happy and have a future instead he's keeping you for his own purposes.

comingintomyown Tue 26-Mar-13 18:16:16

Not sure why I am bothering to reply to that snippy remark .

If you want to end it end it and maybe see it it for what it is rather than some great love story where neither of you can bear to stay apart

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 18:02:10

No I think its great which is why I want to end it :-)

comingintomyown Tue 26-Mar-13 17:42:57

As he will never leave his family I assume then the relationship is only based on sex for him?

Doesnt that upset you that he has no desire for a "proper" relationship but saves all that for his wife and you are merely a shag on the side , two whole years later ?

Xales Tue 26-Mar-13 17:30:47

You know full well what I meant by it being fucked up to cry over someone else's husband for 48 hours.

You are being disingenuous to say I think it would be more fucked up (although a lot easier) if I didnt have any feelings for him after 2 years.

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 17:17:33

And there arent any 'mother' issues, I am not a woman hater :-)

My Mum is deaf and going a bit doolally, she is very hard work.

MewlingQuim Tue 26-Mar-13 17:16:32

Yes you do need to be strong and tell this guy to fuck off when he calls (which he will and you know it). He has strung you along for 2 years and you are crying over him like a teenage girl when you are a grown woman.

He is Bad News. Get rid. Move on.

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 17:16:27

I dont mean to be belligerent, I just say it how it is.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 26-Mar-13 17:09:08

Ah so there are 'mother' issues...;)

I don't know if I would have given you shit if you had said she was a nasty piece of work. I could understand it more I suppose if you had. She seems a very undeserving victim of your high sex drive.

I have found your tone quite belligerent at times on this thread but I admire you for the honesty of your responses and your desire to change the situation. It will take balls but I think you have them.

Tryharder Tue 26-Mar-13 16:55:44

I have been in your situation. I really loved the married man I was with. I met plenty of other men but none measured up even remotely. I really and truly hear what you are saying and understand.

I gave up the relationship by moving abroad. The work opportunity arose and I took it. I got over it pretty quickly once I was gone. But it was hard, initially.

You are not a bad person by the way, just addicted.

MrsHoarder Tue 26-Mar-13 16:52:08

Its fine OP. You just need to learn one line:
"I have nothing more to say to you. Goodbye."

Then hang up. Practise saying it a few times if you're not usually assertive.

It would be better to change your number but its very difficult to be impossible to be contacted in this day and age (especially if being SE means you need an on line presence).

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 16:50:38

I have blocked his numbers as I did in the past, but he has before used a different phone to contact me (as I have him)

I need to be strong for when he contacts me

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 16:49:28


I think it would be more fucked up (although a lot easier) if I didnt have any feelings for him after 2 years.

Xales Tue 26-Mar-13 16:49:07

Contact your provider and ask them to block his numbers.

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 16:47:51

I honestly cant change my number, I am self employed. I also have several numbers, he has them all.

IslaValargeone Tue 26-Mar-13 16:32:30

Yes, cancel your mother if there's any chance she will make you feel worse.
I know I mentioned this yesterday, but I really would make every effort to change your phone number even though it will cause some inconvenience.
I think the psychology of knowing he really can't contact you would be great stepping stone in you moving forward.
There can't be any chance of him being able to mess with you. You deserve better.

Xales Tue 26-Mar-13 16:25:50

Can you not see how fucked up this is that you have spent 48 hours crying over someone else's husband?

Stop waiting to see if he contacts you. If you are serious be pro active. Block any means of contact he has for you.

He has no respect for his wife or vows why will he have any for your desire to end things?

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:20

Thanks Mrs Hoarder :-)

I have just texted my friend to see if she wants to go out atthe weekend and I have texted my Mum to see if she wants to come for dinner on Sunday.

I might go back on the SUnday /Mum one though, she is a pain in the bum and I think it might make me feel worse :-(

MrsHoarder Tue 26-Mar-13 16:13:03

How many of the angry women on here are thinking only from the perspective of the wife? Its near-impossible to make life-changing decisions to protect the emotions of a stranger, the OP isn't the person who has chosen to break marriage vows in this situation.

Good luck on sticking to it this time OP. More time and energy for the kids and a chance to move on in life. Can you make plans to go out with a friend next time you would otherwise have time to see him?

Nevertruetomyself Tue 26-Mar-13 16:11:27


'And how dare you say that you think his wife knows "based on lots of things he has said". The man is a liar, where do you think his wife thinks he is when he is with you? He is not just a liar, but an accomplished one - but of course, he is always completely honest with you, isn't he?'

Please insert your own answer, you choose, as it wouldnt matter what I said anyway :-)

bestsonever Tue 26-Mar-13 16:11:15

Long thread so not sure if this tack has already been mentioned, but as you initially said the amazing sex is hard to go without and you fear not finding it as good with others, I thought I'd just mention that I thought that once, in a relationship that had no future (neither of us were attached).
Turns out that you can have great sex with others, the thing that changes as you get older (for some women), that makes it better is yourself. Somehow when you get to 30's/40's (I'm guessing you are around that) the body just gets more responsive to everything and combined with knowledge and experience it's always better and yes you can and will be able to have it just as good with others most likely.
Take some heart from knowing that you will have as good a sex life with others, and how much better it will be without the guilt too :-).

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