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(183 Posts)
Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:39:30

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:31:22

I meant posting was a mistake as I have upset some. I didnt say I didnt like the answers I am reading them and I am very calm.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:32:03

You have a choice and you've always had a choice. Up till now you've continued along with this man. His actions are shameful but also bring shame upon you as well. You get tarred with the other woman brush.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him.

I would very much like to know what your own children think because I'm sure that they know and once their friends find out their lives will also become a complete misery.

Wonderland121 Mon 25-Mar-13 12:33:03

It's not a mistake posting op, you posted for a reason, what is that reason?

Have you read some threads on here by some women who's worlds have been turned upside down?

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:33:44

My children dont know anything, nobody does.

wannaBe Mon 25-Mar-13 12:33:46

op -

Forget for a minute the fact that the sex is mind-blowing and take a look back. How did you get involved with a married man in the first place? It wasn't the sex then because that's not generally how relationships start and then progress to a level where you feel unable too end them. What was it that attracted you to this man in the first place? how did it come about that the two of you ended up in bed together? And what was it that stopped you from saying no? It's very easy now to say that you can't stop, that the sex is great and that you dont click with anyone on that level, but something led you there in the first place and it's unlikely that it was the sex. So what was it?

Only once you actually look at how you have arrived at this point can you start to address it and then take steps to address it.

Others telling you that he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you etc is all very well, but that's their view (even though it's not wrong), you have to reach this point for yourself, because right now you don't want to hear it, even though you say you do.

Ask yourself, Do you want to be in this situation? You've already answered that further up thread, so assuming the answer is "no," ask yourself, what do you have to do to achieve that? You know the answer to that as well, so what is stopping you?

You and only you can change the situation you are currently in, You can do it but it takes willpower and strength, but while you are thinking about all that also ask yourself: "what will happen if this doesn't change?

there's no such thing as can't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:34:57

What Hawthorn wrote earlier as well re counselling.

Counsellors are like shoes. You need to find someone who fits with you. No excuse to give up.

You have to love your own self first and its all too clear that you do not.

I am also wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up?. Not to mention exactly what you're teaching your own children about relationships now.

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 12:35:09

Will you be honest and answer what it is you are really seeking from this thread?

It can't be the mechanics of ending this, because you know what they are and you know what you have to do.

What's going to be especially helpful to you is to find out why you are in this situation, not advice on how to end it because you know all that.

It's not the sex you're addicted to in this though; there are other complicated aspects about your personality which make the sex and the affair addictive. It would be helpful to find out what these are and then confront the bits of your personality that are destructive to you and others.

For example, many OW get an additional high precisely because of the act of deceiving another woman and this is especially true if they believe this is a first affair of a man in a happy, satisfying marriage. The belief that he is risking something precious to him all for her provides a sense of validation and an extra buzz to sex that could not be achieved with a single man.

When people say they are addicted to the sex, it's never about the mechanics of putting Body part A in Body part B. It's the associations attached to the sex that are addictive. What it is that makes it so erotic i.e. in affairs this is often the illicitness, the fact that it's forbidden, the risks taken, the newness with a partner.

If you are however especially turned on by the deceit itself and the validation it gives you, the key to ending this will be to look at yourself with the help of a trained therapist to find out why you gain validation from another person's deceit. There are likely to be clues in childhood.

The clues that this might be your motivation are all there in your posts. The constant breaking up and reconciliation, the compulsion to start this thread in the first place and wanting to play a bit of a game with posters. Have a look at the games people play in Transactional Analysis and I think you'll recognise yourself.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 12:35:30

Ok OP, just trying to be nice, my bad confused

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:35:58

Wonderland I am a regular poster I have read the threads.

I dont want to out myself but I know a lot more about having your world turned upside down than I can put in this thread

Sorry if that makes me sound heartless. Im not I really arent.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:36:02

Do not assume that your affair will remain secret.

anonacfr Mon 25-Mar-13 12:36:24

You haven't upset people. Your posts have led people to the conclusion that you don't really want to end the affair despite your OP.
So why are you posting is the question?

Your endless comments about the amazing sex trumping the sad OW stories you've read is why I mentioned stealth boasting.

crashmat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:36:38

I think your user name says a lot. Do you feel you are not true to yourself? In what way?

anonacfr Mon 25-Mar-13 12:37:55

So if you know about your world turned upside down is your affair an unconscious revenge against what happened to you? Have you become an OW because you were hurt by one in past?

Wonderland121 Mon 25-Mar-13 12:38:43

So if you know a lot more than having your world turned upside down why would you want to do this to someone else?

No matter what anyone says on this thread, it won't matter, you don't want to stop, so carry on, enjoy your shag and deal with the consequences down the line!

Wewereherefirst Mon 25-Mar-13 12:43:11

Why do you wish to hurt another family if you know the hurt? That's very sadistic and an awful mindset. You do need to find a councillor.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:44:38

Charbon - thank you

MrsHoarder Mon 25-Mar-13 12:48:52

How about leaving him and dedicating time and energy into dating/hobbies to find someone else?

You don't say how old you are, but there's plenty of men out there who are over 40 and divorced without being cheating bastards, but you can't find them because you're tied up with someone unavailable.

Wewereherefirst Mon 25-Mar-13 12:49:43

I hope you routinely have STI checks OP, a man who ostentatiously lying to his wife can easily lie to his mistress.

zippey Mon 25-Mar-13 12:50:57

I think you sound pretty level headed and intelligent, and theres nothing you dont already know, so if you dont want to stop, you wont, unless you get caught or at a future date, want to stop.

If you REALLY want to stop though, you need an incentive and I think if you did one of the following, the incentive would be there:

1. Phoning or writing a letter to the mans wife and admitting your affair.
2. Confiding in someone in RL who will make you come to your senses (children/friend etc)
3. Find a person who isnt in a relationship

I think if you did one of the above, you would probably stop.

olgaga Mon 25-Mar-13 12:50:59

I have some sympathy for the OW if she is very young, inexperienced and naive, with little understanding of the consequences of a long-term affair with a MM.

I have no sympathy for you. You're old enough to know better. You know it's wrong, you know he is betraying his wife and family and using you for sex - but you're so selfish you don't care, to the point where you have even convinced yourself that you're using him too. I bet it's not you who controls when and where you meet though!

So I want to appeal to your selfish nature. I would ask you to think very carefully about wasting any more of your life on this man. If you have teenage children you're obviously no spring chicken, and frankly every day you allow this to continue is another wasted opportunity from your point of view.

Do you really want to risk ending up alone, living with the knowledge that you managed to waste the prime of your life on a bastard who was as deceitful and selfish as you?

onefewernow Mon 25-Mar-13 12:52:40

Well you might need to find out why any amount of good sex is worth that.

merryvixen Mon 25-Mar-13 12:53:58

Interesting post charbon and I agree with much of it. However, I also think despair might have played a part in OP posting - she knows what she has to do but can't make herself do it and is reaching out because she can't talk to people in RL apart from one friend who has her own issues.

May I wade in with a POV, OP? I know this is like an addiction for you and any addiction is very hard to kick. So I'm not judging you but accepting that you are seeking a way out of this.

OP, WHEN this comes out (there's no IF, I grew up surrounded by lecherous, unfaithful men; they have a compulsion to boast, and however oblique they think they're being, they're not IYSWIM). They don't have shame or guilt. They may have an illusory feeling of love for the exciting feelings they have when around their OW. They have shallow relationships in general because they cannot give much of themselves. Therefore they quite often mistake the delightful illicit sex for love. Even if they don't they'll still say it, because it keeps you handy on a nice, pretty little leash, to be tugged at a moment's notice so they can have a quick shag when wife's out. Think about where he's shagged you. Do the locations make you feel special? My guess would be no! Does he take you out for nice birthday meals? or more of a fumble in the bushes/back of the car/whatever!

Anyway, I digressed from my point. WHEN this comes out, by the unfair law of sexism that prevails in our world, YOU will be the one people will blame most. YOUR kids will suffer from the gossip about you, shock about your behaviour - they think they know you! - and they may even be snubbed or ostracised by the kids of all the judgipants out there.

I'm guessing love of your kids will be your strongest tool in breaking this addiction. Bear in mind, too, that you are channelling away the love, energy and attention your dcs would normally be getting from you on your secretive affair. So emotionally, you may be depleting them of their fair share without realising. If they're teens, you don't have much time left to give them all that love and adoration and emotional security we all want to give our kids.

I hope this came across as helpful because I really understand the frustration of wanting to change one's behaviour but feeling powerless. Good luck, OP> You can do it - and better to do it before he does it to you.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:59:49

thank you merryvixen

Charbon Mon 25-Mar-13 13:04:15

If I met you OP, I'd be really interested to explore passive-aggressive behaviour with you and would suggest some diagnostic work with other professionals. Game-playing and passive-aggressive behaviour are inextricably linked but they are rooted in the child ego state. Getting involved in an affair on either side is an extreme act of passive-aggression because it involves hurting people without them knowing you're responsible for it.

This might be especially confusing for you to deal with if your public persona and self-image is as an assertive adult, but the public face is usually the unnatural self in people with passive-aggressive personalities.

IslaValargeone Mon 25-Mar-13 13:08:44

I can only echo what others have said about you making one excuse after another as to why you can't break things off.
The phone number for example that you can't change because 'you need it for work'
If you were getting abusive phone calls you'd sure as shit make the effort to get it changed. The inconvenience of doing that is nothing compared to the shit that will hit the fan if his wife finds out.

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