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(183 Posts)
Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 11:39:30

I know that I am going to get flamed here. The only reason I am posting is because I know that something needs to change and I dont know where to start.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons.

I am divorced. I have 2 teenage children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 2 years.

I am in love with him, he says he is in love with me but I am not stupid, I know that he will never leave his family.

He has many reasons for having an affair which I wont go into, but his wife is a nice person and she does not deserve this. He is never unkind about her, when he talks of her he tells me what a good mother she is and a kind person.

I dont know how to stop. I know that the easy answer is to just 'stop' but I cant, I have tried many, many times but I cant.

Sorry to be blunt, but I need to be honest here. The main reason that I cant stop is because the sex is out of this world. I have never experienced anything like it with anyone else and cant imagine that I will ever again. He makes me feel amazing, I have a very high sex drive and so does he.

It has to end I know it does, but how?

(I know I am a bad person, etc. etc., but telling me that will not help me out of this situation)

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:15:00


If it were easy I would have ended it months ago, I am just being honest about it.

If it were a case of replacing him with Ann Summers products then he would be long gone.

There is no view that I 'dont want to hear' I am reading the answers.

anonacfr Mon 25-Mar-13 12:15:28

Of course he is.

You're using each other for sex.

Nothing wrong with it apart on the small matter of his wife and children.

madonnawhore Mon 25-Mar-13 12:16:30

He isnt 'using' me any more than I am 'using' him, I have to say that.

You're kidding yourself.

Like annh said; who does he spend Christmas with? Who does he talk about the big life stuff with? Who does he consistently choose over and above you? Can you call him to chat about your day whenever you feel like it or do you have to wait til the coast is clear for him to get in touch?

He has a whole other life and family and all that emotional support at home. You have nothing.

If it was an equal playing field you could make the 'we're both using each other' argument. But this whole dynamic is very unequal.

It sounds like you're just going to carry on regardless so, whatever. Good luck.

In 10 years' time when you've wasted more time on this twat, you look back and reflect on the marriage/kids/brilliant single life that you could've had and I hope he was worth it.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:16:36


I have read them on here and I do know.

BertramBertram Mon 25-Mar-13 12:16:55

What will you say to his wife & kids when they want to know why you wrecked their perfect family? I'm sure knowing you 'can't' stop yourself will be a comfort to them. Have a read around some of the stories on this board and think about how the innocent parties have their lives destoyed by the selfish actions of others.

Are you really selfish enough to believe that your sex drive is more important than anything else?

annh Mon 25-Mar-13 12:16:56

Rubbish that he isn't using you any more than you are using him! He gets to have a full life with his family, take his wife to the ball, go on holiday with his kids, go to the school assembly and then pop in to you for a quick shag when he has space in his diary. You, on the other hand, have to spend all your time playing the strong, independent woman because being with this man is sabotaging any chance you have of having a life like his.

Branleuse Mon 25-Mar-13 12:19:26

hes been cheating for 2 years??? Wow, hes a really skilled liar

I would suggest calling relate and getting some relationship counselling alone, for yourself

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:20:09



very very true :-(

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 25-Mar-13 12:20:22

This thread has made me really cross.

OP - you are an attention seeker, hence starting this thread. You like the attention this man is giving you.

Of course you could cut contact, you just don't want to. You value being shagged by this tosser more than you do your self respect.
What kind of example are you setting to your children?

Just because your marriage failed doesn't give you the right to assume that all marriages will fail. Because that's what this is about, isn't it? About proving that no-one can stay faithful and committed rather than that there was something wrong in your marriage specifically?

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

Wonderland121 Mon 25-Mar-13 12:20:35

Op please get yourself some respect and dignity.
Do you want to spend your life being the mistress? All the time you are wasting on this "married" man is time you could be finding someone who loves you and wants to spend there life with you.
You said yourself he isn't going to leave his family so it's obvious really?

Also please take a minute & have some thought for his wife/children the devastation this will cause is just so unfair, do you want to live with yourself forever knowing you have/could split a family and ruin a families life all because the sex was amazing?

You will live to regret your actions, be careful.

HawthornLantern Mon 25-Mar-13 12:20:51

One of the saddest parts of your post is that you seem to be eroding yourself. You mention that you feel you are maybe not the strong independent woman that you are seen as and that you used to be.

This man is not worth the loss of your self worth, your identity, your value.

Your later post about not being able to replace a human body and the difficulties of on-line dating etc, makes it look as if a lot of the issues are deeply seated in sex. It may sound trite, but have you considered counselling?

If sex is the motivating force then maybe that's worth talking through with someone - you are a capable adult woman, not a creature that has no choice but to act on her attractions. I'm not saying it's fun, but it should be possible to experience a period of celibacy without falling back into a relationship with a married man that can only hurt you (and on multiple levels) and if you feel you can't avoid him that sounds like something worth talking about.

Maybe the strength of your connection with the MM is a disguised form of grief or distress from some other part of your life or history? It may be no such thing, I'm speculating wildly, but just pointing out that sometimes the sources of our driven behaviour are not what we initially imagine them to be and if you work on that you may find yourself able to disengage and disentagle and go on to find someone you can be happy with, but in any case start being happy again yourself.

In any case I think you need less of the MM (well, a total absence) and more "you" in your life and counselling may be a way of getting there.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:21:09

Ive tried counselling I find it almost impossible to open up about everything and end up going on about something else instead

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 12:21:22

You 'know' but you're not connecting with it. Once you truly grasp what it means you will find the strength to stop, is there anyone close to you this has happened to? I can't think what else will stop you apart from understanding fully what it means to tear people's lives and hearts apart.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 25-Mar-13 12:21:59

Just have a read of some of the relationship threads on here that involve women who have had their world turned upside down by a philandering husband... who knows you might find your human side rather than the base animal side you seem to be giving in to

anonacfr Mon 25-Mar-13 12:22:05

So if you've read the threads and you still don't want to stop what more are you looking for?
You basically know what you're doing is wrong, you're in danger of wrecking his family (not to mention your children) and ruin his 'lovely wife who doesn't deserve it' 's life but the sex is so good you won't give it up.

Is this stealth boasting? You want a pat in the back?hmm

Strangemagic Mon 25-Mar-13 12:23:34

OP you are more than your libido,if you can't end it then give him an ultimatum and trust me it will be over in a flash and you won't see him for dust.

anonacfr Mon 25-Mar-13 12:23:37

Sissy the OP has read them and apparently knows.

Nevertruetomyself Mon 25-Mar-13 12:24:26

I have really tried to be honest here this was a big mistake to post I am very sorry.

I am not boasting I dont understand myself most days

Thanks for your replies.

kinkyfuckery Mon 25-Mar-13 12:24:45

I would like to be able to have a relationship with someone just like him

What, a spineless waste of space who thinks cheating on his wife and family is appropriate?

You're as disgusting as he is. Get a grip.

NinaHeart Mon 25-Mar-13 12:25:54

"Yes, but, yes but, yes but" is all I am hearing from you.

Do you actually want things to change?

PeppermintPasty Mon 25-Mar-13 12:26:35

Then I would suggest that you haven't found the right counsellor. Keep looking. Your self esteem must be bouncing along the bottom at the moment, and even though you say you are trying to stop/want to stop, you seem spectacularly in denial.

Change yourself, or carry on with this half life. That's it really, those are your choices.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 12:29:16

Like kinky said he really isn't the guy you think he is. No decent man cheats for two years, he is genuinely not worth having. Of course knowing that isn't enough to stop you either. Try again at the counselling. Don't think that posting was a mistake just because you don't like the answers. Come back and read them again when you are calm, there is some really good advice.

Wonderland121 Mon 25-Mar-13 12:30:10

This man has it all, he has his "happy" family life, his wife/children he has his job, his bit on the side (you) he must be in his element (twat)
Not only is he shagging you but most probably also going home and sleeping with his doting wife, telling her how much he loves her whilst fucking you on the side confused

Please take a minute to think of his family, this man is a liar, a cheat, he is deceiving his family and you "wish you could find a man exactly like him"

Reality check time.

HawthornLantern Mon 25-Mar-13 12:30:10

If you've tried counselling and had problems opening up I'd actually say all the more reason to try again. Not all counsellors are the same and some will "fit" whereas others will not.

But look at the situation you've just described - an intense but illegitimate sexual relationship that you cannot be open or public about and a failed experience(s?) with counselling because you cannot address/talk about your emotions.

I am completely unqualified to say this, but it looks as if your emotional side is screaming for help and you are drowning it out in a blur of clandestine sex. Give yourself a break and go and talk to someone who can help - I cannot think of anything else that will help you because you know all the reasons why you should not pursue the relationship and how many innocent people could get hurt and that's not powerful enough to stop you.

crashmat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:30:30

The only honest reason anyone can give for having an affair is 'I'm selfish.' He is putting himself and his needs first. Simple.

You have teenagers - look at them and really think about how THEY would feel if they were in the position his wife is in. She is someone's daughter, someone's mum. She would be hurt and so would the people around her. You sound self aware and intelligent enough to be able to comprehend this OP. You don't have to be in this position, he's in control of all of it. Gain control back of your life OP, when you look back at your life you won't think about the sex. You'll think about the people in it. Do the right thing, if you didn't want to you wouldn't have posted.

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