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Am I being unfair and over reacting

(107 Posts)
Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 20:16:22

Please help am very upset this evening. Yesterday afternoon almost blacked out whilst driving and was told to go to A and E by Nhs direct. Lots of tests for heart probs and embolism but all seems ok so don't really know what it is yet so am worried.

BF arrives this morn couldn't be here yest and there was no need as had someone with me, but basically felt on my own all day as he has to sleep as in middle of night shifts. So I cook dinner even though not feeling great and he gets up. Not much affection as wasn't up to sex, well that's how it looks to me. Not showing any real concern for what went on yesterday. He has phonecall from flatmate( female) I was a bit moody afterwards, ( only a tiny bit) but he can't just let the fact pass even though I was unwell so he withdraws even more.

I go to bed for lie down it takes an hour for him to come see where I am, no hugs or kisses just a bit of a huff cos he thinks I was in a huff over phonecall.
I start crying cos feel emotional and just wanted him to show he cares and there's no reaction AT ALL. Ten mins later goes off to work after quick peck.

I don't know if I'm over reacting, feeling sorry for myself, or whether I'm justified in that. All he's bothered with is saying he's done nothing wrong. I just feel I'm not allowed to get into a mood occasionally or show my feelings. If I cry it has absolutely no effect on him at all, incidentally I'm to always crying but I do sometimes if I feel down. Any advice? Or talk some sense into me

pigsDOfly Sun 24-Mar-13 20:33:00

So not a lot of cherishing and care from this man. Sounds very like my exH.

How long have you been together Brightly? Is he always this unkind? I think you need to think about what you get out of this relationship if he is.

DaffodilAdams Sun 24-Mar-13 20:35:40

Nope not overreacting. It sounds like he "doesn't do support" a euphemism for "I am a selfish git but still expect you to support me, of course"

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 20:36:54

It's been over 2 yrs, that's exactly it, I don't feel cherished when I most need it. When everything's going well he's nice. I don't know if he just doesn't "get it" when it comes to women's emotional ups and downs or whether he just can't be arsed when I'm like this particularly if he thinks I have had a slight dig at him over something,

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 20:39:47

How the hell can you say you love someone and not put your arms around them when they are crying? He's more concerned with being annoyed that I had had a little dig, and it was little, it wasn't a blazing row or I could understand it

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 20:42:12

Amazingly I hink he, d be truly shocked that I think he doesn't cherish or support my emotional needs. I really think he believes he does and hat he tries his best

tribpot Sun 24-Mar-13 20:43:18

Er, because he's a selfish prick?

He sounds like he's only really bothered as long as you're always sweetness and light - and nobody is that. It sounds like you can't be yourself around him.

Hassled Sun 24-Mar-13 20:45:36

No you're not over-reacting at all - you were very unwell, you wanted your partner to show that they gave a shit (far from unreasonable) and he just failed to do that in every way.

Is this a one-off? Are you generally happy together? Is he usually pretty self-absorbed - can he show empathy with other people?

Somethingtothinkabout Sun 24-Mar-13 20:45:38

He sounds like he's either quite selfish, or some sort of sociopath.

However, you going upstairs in a huff could be construed as being somewhat passive aggressive.

It doesn't sound like you are that well suited; you need reassurance after the phone call, made a little dig, then needed more affection, he sounds the opposite in that he doesn't want to deal with that. Then the situation escalates.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 20:45:45

There's a lot of being in a huff and being moody here by both of you. Did you actually talk to each other. Did he ask how you got on at the hospital. Did you tell him you were very worried and upset?

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 20:55:22

something I think he is selfish. I have become passive aggressive since being with him. I used to just come out and say things but its rarely worth it because he if I do he accuses me of having a go at him. Your right in that I don't hink we well suited in some ways.

It's not a one off and he is pretty self absorbed but I guess I was today as well as I just wanted a bit of fussing over, probably childish I know.

Situations like this do escalate but we usually talk after the event. He knows what happened at the hosp as I explained it all yesterday and I would have thought he would have been sensitive enough to know I was worried and that he would be too. However it seems to be the same old story if I'm ill

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 21:05:22

It sounds like neither of you knows how to communicate properly. You both sound very young and immature. Is it really worth trying to hang on to this relationship? I would suggest counselling to work on your own self esteem, op, and then decide what it is you really want out of a relationship. Second best is never good enough.

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:11:35

We are not young at all. I know if I tried to explain to him how I was feeling he often takes umbrage and take it as a personal attack . Okay I'm not perfect and don't always phrase hinges in the best possible way but who does? He just seems to give no allowances. He can't just think " oh well she's tired , down , I'll or whatever" and let anything go . It's all about him and how he feels no matter what's happened to me and yet he accuse me of making it all about me

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:12:31

There are good things in this relationship it's just I do feel I always have to be nice all the bloody time

Somethingtothinkabout Sun 24-Mar-13 21:14:44

I think these sort of relationships can become quite toxic <speaks from bitter experience> because when he ignores you when you're down, them you need to, I don't know how to describe it, sort of step it up a gear? Make it even more obvious that not're upset. Then if he ignores that too then you're left feeling even worse that he's ignored you when you're displaying so much hurt.

I think maybe some counseling together to learn how to communicate better if you really want the relationship to work. But I think if you split you'll find a relationship that suits you better and this sort of thing won't happen, you'll be secure enough not to test each other, so to speak.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 21:23:01

I don't think you should have joint counselling because he will try to twist your words again. You need to work on yourself first.

Why put up with this in a relationship, it's all one-sided. He's a fair weather friend and when he doesn't get what he wants he tries to control you. He doesn't care about you, your feelings or your opinions.

I think it's time to move on, it shouldn't be this hard. Do you have children together?

CastroIsDead Sun 24-Mar-13 21:26:01

no you are not being unfair or unreasonable or needy or demanding or expecting too much. it was a situation like this that finally made me leave my ex. i was crying and he didn't even turn around. how selfish/emotionally retarded can a person be? if it was a work colleague or friend or even a passing acquaintance that was crying and upset isn't it what a normal person does to reach out and offer comfort?

DistanceCall Sun 24-Mar-13 21:26:29

Some people really don't have a clue because they themselves don't particularly want hugs or physical attention and tend to prefer being by themselves when they are upset. Instead of saying you need "emotional support", have you tried being explicit and saying something like "I'm upset, could you give me a hug?"

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:34:23

It certainly feels like he cares for himself more. Although he always bangs on about how he always puts me first. I don't bang on about how I always put him first because as I pointed out to I'm NOBODY always puts their partner first and I'd be lying if I said I did. That doesn't mean I don't care about him and how he feels but I don't feel the need to say I always put him first.

We don't have children together we each have our own, mine are grown up and his live with their mum.

He hasn't rung me since he left this evening like he usually does. I've had one txt saying he's at work now. For all he knows I could be really ill. Do I sound really pathetic? Cos I feel it!

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:37:33

castro exactly you,ve hit the nail on the head, it's just not right to be unmoved by someone crying

he fully expects lots of love and cuddles and says he loves me cos I give him that, seems he can't return the favour when needed though!

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:39:57

If I said to him "I'm upset could you give me a hug please" he would but sometimes you want your partner to just SEE you need it and for it to be a natural reaction to someone unwell and crying

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 21:42:15

But I don't think he's ever going to be the person you want him to be, so why are you with him?

Brightlydoesit Sun 24-Mar-13 21:47:55

I suppose because there's a lot about him that I like and so I think we'll maybe I'm being unreasonable in feeling the way I do about what happened today . And there's no such thing as the perfect relationship. I do wonder if its me or is he really an arse? All these doubts really, plus I do love him

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 21:48:27

It doesn't much sound as though either of you are happy in this relationship.

If you cry a lot then you need to find out why that is. We could guess it's because it's dawning on you that he doesn't love you enough, but maybe there are other issues you're not happy about as well.

It isn't normal to show no concern or care for someone who's had a frightening health scare and certainly not if the person is your partner.

But it sounds like you've got into a habit of making dramatic hints and gestures rather than speaking directly to him about how you're feeling and asking for what you need.

I'm very aware personally that one of my character faults is that I can't bear people dropping hints and huffing and puffing, so my instinctive response which I have to fight all the time is to ignore it, because it irritates the hell out of me. But unless I wanted out of my relationship, there's no way I would ignore my partner's distress if this scare had happened to him.

So it could be a chain reaction like that or it could be that the relationship has come to the end of the road and is no longer making either of you very happy.

CastroIsDead Sun 24-Mar-13 21:52:21

well like i said when it happened to me i ltb. he obviously isn't giving you what you need and expect which we have established isn't too much. what are you going to do about it ?

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