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Partner moved out yesterday, I'm distraught. We have a daughter. Help me cope please

(84 Posts)
Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:07:02

Just that really.
He moved out yesterday, we ended our relationship 2 weeks ago, he's gone to live with his mum and I'm really struggling.
We were together for 5 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter, I moved 250 miles away from everything I knew to be with him and now he's gone and I'm here on my own with our daughter.
I can't move back home as she needs to see her dad and I don't want to make their relationship difficult. I also have a good job and she's in a really good nursery.
Even though I instigated this after our argument on mothers day I still have this hole in my stomach, I feel empty and alone and the thought of him not loving me anymore is unbearable at this stage.
What are the next steps for me? How can I keep motivated and happy for the sake of our daughter? How the hell do I cope?
Thanks in advance.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 22:14:40


BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 22:10:41

Nothing wrong in wanting that Brandy

Achieving it however seems to be nigh on impossible sad

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 21:58:00

OP it's only been since wednesday, but thats almost a week although he did stay over friday night cos I am a twat

I JUST WANT MY HAPPY EVER AFTER FFS sad and the white picket fence.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:44:00

Have pm'd you.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 21:29:33

He is and he does! It's like a light switch the way he switches his charm off and on. He even makes his eyes twinkle on command ffs. He twists everything around in my head so I end up thinking well what was I making a fuss about in the first place and I'm the one who needs to stop moaning and start being grateful for what I do have. I actually believe(d) that I should show him I appreciate what he does for me and the dc more. Argh I am a twat sometimes what was I thinking, sure he is all fur coat and no knickers really. (but tiny voice in my head saying well he is on hard times atm and if you just stick by him things will get better and change)

Thanks for this thread OP glad to get it all out!

beingawife I am why?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Mon 25-Mar-13 21:08:11

Another old gimmer here dd1 is 20 dd2 is 3.

Brandy I might have the wrong end of the stick, but reading a previous post I wondered if you are in the south west?

Oxen (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) have as many as you need.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 20:50:06

Well done Dot! That's amazing! Good girl smile

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 20:48:53

Seems like a lot of bad stuff there. Much similar to my situ, albeit he's great with dd and was SAHD for her first year. All the bad stuff, he does to me but somehow I allow it and want him back!

You don't need him in your life or your kids for that matter. There's a lot of negative things going on in that relationship. Tell me, does he switch the charm on easily, make you doubt yourself? You're doing the right thing you know, what day are you on and how often do you see him since the split?

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:48

Brandy he sounds a right prat/user - sorry.

Well my H has just been round to collect one teen to go to a hobby they share.

I managed cool, calm and collected. Discussed stuff we needed to - house sale. Also plans to draw up a formal financial arrangement between us. Then I scored a blow - asked him to take a bag of his clothes I removed from MY bedroom and told him he can collect more stuff and some bits of furniture this weekend. Basically I was in charge for a change knew what I wanted. Felt good to be a bit strong and know what I want ;)

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 19:56:41

I have this thing in my head that I should be doing all I can to make him happy though and cooking and cleaning and making sure he's happy and so is everyone else and that I'm the selfish one.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 19:55:07

Alright here we go OP

HE is a dick because
He has sleep raped me but now denies it even though I know it has happened twice I am now a liar and it's my imagination hmm I am actually questioning myself if I have exaggerated this.

He has moved out and is saying he loves me and we're still in a relationship and when we get married we can just rent one place out

He lies a lot but genuinely believes his own stories and turn of events

He has favourites with his dc, he told me in front of dc (not my dd she didn't notice but was there) that our dd is his princess but his little dd is his queen

He had a phone call a couple of weeks ago from the CSA with a little boy in question, he refuses to get a dna test done atm and doesn't want to know.

He is now taking his little dd off her mum to live with him, I have no idea if the mum knows she just wants more help so she can go back to nursing, which he doesn't want to give instead he wants to have her full time. I A think it's terrible to take a dd off her mum she's only just 3 and B have no intention of living with a just 3 yr old, he doesn't bother looking after her or clearing up after her while she comes over let alone if we all ended up living together. My dc are school aged now and I don't want a toddler and a spoilt one at that. (she tantrums a lot about things like wanting to sit on her dads lap in the car while hes driving) I work with pre school aged dc I don't want to deal with one when I come home. Sounds selfish and horrible right but it's a lot to put on my plate without talking to me about it or expecting me to like it or lump it.

He complains about my ds not listening to him, but won't accept that them all spending time together without me around would help and that he has to put effort in for ds to like him. Then on the other hand will swear blind that he loves ds just the same as any of his other dc and theres no difference. To be fair when we're not together he does have ds when he has dd.

There is always an excuse always, he doesn't help with the dc at all or take any responsibility. This week for instance dd has had chicken pox ds had it the week or so before, he had her one day even though he's had time off and didn't go back to work till today he's had her one frigging day while I have had to take 3 days unpaid off of work. He has also left me since wednesday stuck in the house with dd and only popped up to see her once. I have had a few friends and family round but I have been climbing the walls stuck inside.

The joke is on me really, he had been talking me round until this afternoon and I said either we're together 100% or not at all and he said he's not giving me another chance to pack his stuff.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 19:22:31

Hi there everyone, hope your days went well.
ExP came round he was lovely, very amicable indeed. I promised myself I would appear 'cool' with it all and then at the last bleeding moment I asked for a hug. He said No of course. Aaaargh, what an idiot. But I do still love him.

InNeedOfBrandy. Lets chant together. We are doing the right thing! We are doing the right thing. Happy to see your list brandy, I'm hoping this thread will help many.
Some of us will have bad days, like today. And some of us will have better days (Well done Dot)
We can only gather strength from each other and assist each other with the times when we are feeling slightly lower.
Tomorrow I hope dd is well enough to go to school and I can get to work and be busy. We need to keep focused on the good things we have, and keep busy.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 25-Mar-13 17:17:29

Can you all shout at me that I'm doing the right thing please... finding it quite hard today sad been arguing all afternoon. Logically I know I have to be strong but I keep making excuses for him. Urgh why am I so weak. Don't want to make a list of reasons and take over your post OP just need a chin up nothing wrong with being single and there is more men out there if you ever want one kind of lecture.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 17:01:26

Undermyskin - I am older too (mid 40's) - 2 older teens.

I have spoken to someone today who has really helped me see things more clearly and has offered some good advice & support.

I feel better than this time yesterday - just hoping for a good nights sleep tonight.

undermyskin Mon 25-Mar-13 15:47:22

Can I join? Different situation to you all as I feel I am much older (mother of a teenager) and also I am going through the stomach churning crap for the second time in 5 years. Terrible feelings of failure having felt I'd rebuilt once and now realise I'd invested too much, and so easy to separate as nothing to discuss. Finito and build resolve but I struggle not to resort to the tearful phone call, but have not 4 days in. It is so often said that ultimately you are better off without, but here it is truly not the case and the current situation has arisen from a perfect storm of events, none of which were of my doing, but chance encounter with unresolved infatuation from 6 years ago has meant exP is feeling "compelled" to go after balm for all the other stresses at the moment. Weak bugger.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 14:46:53

So today has very glamourous for me! DD sick on my head - I was sniffing her nappy and she let loose! Timing couldn't have been worse.
Then when my lovely colleague dropped round with some washing powder she was treated to another 'vomit over mummy' viewing!
All in all a pretty shabby day, poor dd. But exP is round later and don't wanna show any sign of letting things get on top of me.
Hope you are all having a better day than me smile

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 10:09:41

Thanks dot. Yes, they are amazing. Hope I'm half as good to my dc as they have been to me over the years.

Hope you have a good day too.....supermarket deliveries are the Bain of my life. It's supposed to make life easier?! Lol.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 25-Mar-13 10:03:47

Was wondering how everyone was this morning.

Oxen - hoping your little one is better soon.

My attempts at a good week are currently being thwarted by a stupid supermarket who have only delivered part of my bulky shopping order.

Nevermind I'll just walk into town to buy it then (I don't drive) - wonder why I bother hmm

Mamma - have a good time with your parents - if they are like mine then they'll be fantastically supportive - I've reverted back to being 6 quite often recently and they've picked me up and dusted me down.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:42:49

I think you'll like the link. I did.

Hope you have a good day. Yes, I definately have a lot to be grateful for. Hope DD feels better today.

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 09:22:49

On Blackberry and can't access link, but will do on laptop soon.

Working from home today, dd asleep and I'm booting up laptop. I've got the basics in but as dd won't eat then I'm not too troubled, just liquids and toast for now if anything poor wee thing.
I've no washing powder and a mountain of washing after last nights vomiting - exP is coming tonight so will pop out for stuff when he comes. Or if dd appears slighly better we'll nip out to supermarket (weird that asda is closer to me than local shop)
Have a nice day with your parents! There are people who give a damn about you and yours, count your blessings and remember to keep going over that list!!! (That's my plan)

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:16:46

Oh Tom!!!!! I'd totally forgot that song existed but used to love it at uni. Just cried listening to it but you know what......I do feel better already. Thankyou smile x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 09:11:49

Oh no!!! Sorry to hear your DD still poorly. Have you nothing in at all? Have you got a small local shop that you could do a quick dash to with DD wrapped up in buggy?? I'm ok this morning, woken up feeling bit more wobbly than yesterday bit trying hard to shake it off. We're off to see my mum and dad today. Will be nice to have a hand with dc and also talk it through with them again.

It will be hard for you today another day indoors just thinking. Are there some jobs you can do to keep busy? Haha...organise your airing cupboard and mis matched sheets maybe ?? ;)

TomDudgeon Mon 25-Mar-13 09:06:53

I'm sorry you lot are being put through this
Several times people have mentioned that other people have got through it and survived...
I thought I would post you this and though you won't want to yet, one day soon you'll feel like dancing round the kitchen, singing it loudly. It'll be your anthem

Oxen Mon 25-Mar-13 08:58:24

Hi mamma, well I had planned to go to work and place dd in nursery but she's too ill to go in to nursery, so after calling round limited amounts of people who could help and being told No (they had work or other commitments) I'm taking the day off to care for her.
Its so stressful as my job is in finance and the end of the month is so busy, but there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless.
What's worse is that I'm out of supplies, exP paid me some money today and I was going to do a shop at lunchbreak, but I won't be able to do that as I don't want to take dd out.
Day 2 and its started really badly!
How are you and what's your plans?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Mar-13 08:49:01

Morning oxen. Hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you feeling today? What have you got planned?

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