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Am I being a mug - supporting him when he won't support me?

(268 Posts)
Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:16:48

Hi, it's my first time here. Haven't got anyone to discuss this with and would appreciate some perspectives. It's complicated, but will try not to make it too long though you're welcome to ask anything you feel I've missed.
DP and I have been together for 4 years. I had a 2.5 year old when we met, we now have a 14 month old together. We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light and we couldn't afford to do so. When his contract ran out he moved into a room in a friends house which he doesn't pay for. He comes to visit for tea on work nights then sleeps at his friends, on nights off (generally 3 per week) he eats and sleeps here. He doesn't pay anything towards rent, food or bills here though he does pay maintenance towards our baby - though that's partly to reduce the CSA payment for his children from his marriage I suspect. All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.
He says that if he's being honest it'll be at least another 1.5/2 years before he can afford to move in with us. He would then like us to have another baby. I said that I wouldn't like a baby if I couldn't stay home with them for at least the first three years (personal preference) and he said that in that case we wouldn't be able to have another one as 'his wages wouldn't be enough to support us.' At the moment I do and pay for everything and think I'm being a mug for effectively supporting him to clear his debts when he isn't willing to support me in the future. Having another child isn't essential for me but it irritates me that I have far less money than 40k p/a yet it's ok for me to support him but he wouldn't do it for me.
Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. I work from home and am also studying for a degree. Next year is my final year when I'll be doing my dissertation which is obviously a huge piece of work. Another student that's doing it this year said she's been in the library 4 days per week from 10am-11pm since September and still not finished. Youngest DD is difficult at night - she will only sleep if latched on so doing my university work is proving impossible. When I told DP how much work is involved next year he said he'd 'tell his mum to get DVD player fired up to entertain DD.' I just felt like screaming at him that it isn't his mums responsibility to have our DD (never mind the fact she never has, never offered and lives 1.5 hours away) that if he lived with us then he could do what normal partners do and help with the kids at night so I can work then. He's just done some work based exams which he got to study for every night interruption free as I have the kids yet I feel I could well fail the degree which I've invested my savings in and that is essential for my future career and for me to be able to provide for the kids. Not only that but if we reach the day where he moves in then things won't get easier for me as he won't know what to do with the kids/they'll want me.
I'm aware I'm ranting now so I'll stop there! Am I wrong to be feeling utterly pissed off at the situation?

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 16:28:09

Is he even paying CSA minimum?

Not sure what you're getting out of this relationship. sad

I hope you're not doing his laundry too. smile

Mum2Fergus Sat 23-Mar-13 16:30:30

Sorry, but are.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:32:30

Yes CSA is only thing he pays.
He loves the kids and I I believe and I trust him. But I feel like a single parent and can't see that ever changing. It drives me mad that family/friends assume we live together, he pays for stuff and helps with kids when actually not the case

tribpot Sat 23-Mar-13 16:37:15

You've managed to find yourself a rare combo there of well-paid cocklodger. He's paying nothing for his upkeep either at his friend's house or yours (and what are the chances he's told his friend he's ploughing all his spare cash into supporting you and his children?) yet still isn't chipping away significantly at his debts.

Has he disclosed the extent of them / his repayment plan? Or has he just told you it'll be another 2 years? Why wouldn't his wages cover the household bills once his debts are cleared? Does he even know how much they are?! Or is it actually a point of 'principle' for him - he won't support you financially during a baby's early years, end of.

Why isn't he taking the children to help you study on his days or evenings off?

It sounds like financially you would be better off single - and emotionally/practically you almost certainly would be too.

pinkyredrose Sat 23-Mar-13 16:39:11

You're being taken for granted. Has he ever looked after his own kids?

I don't think he wants to live with you. Atm he has 2 free houses to choose from, probably suits him the way it is.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 16:40:51

eh ?

Why are you with this man ? It is clear he is a consummate liar and keeps you hanging on for something vague in the future.

He earns 40k but can't pay bills or support a family? What a pile of absolute wank

You have had your hat nailed on good and proper, my love

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 16:42:01

Even the contracts were a red herring. I'm sure he could have given a 2 month notice.

I bet he's the sort of man who will keep completely separate finances I you move in/marry.
And will make you pay everything for the children and you out of your wages.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 16:43:32

Yes, you are being a mug. Make sure you are on some very good birth control, do not have another child with this waster.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:44:17

He is definitely paying his debts. Probably tells people he pays more towards us too though. Think it is partly principle that he wants us both to be earning and working. However I'm going into teaching and will struggle to do planning etc at evenings and weekends with still no help. His days off are usually weekdays. Elder DD doesn't want him taking her to/from school. Younger DD won't settle with him if she can see me in the day and not at all in the evening as he generally goes after tea. He has had younger DD during the day a few times so I can work but he drives til she sleeps/ walks her in pushchair so she sleeps then she's up late at night for me and so it isn't helpful.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 16:46:38

You say the debts are "from his marriage"

What exactly is he in debt for ?

dopeysheep Sat 23-Mar-13 16:46:52

Stop feeding him for a start! Then stop everyrhing else you are doing for him and tell him to step up or fuck off.
You could pay for a couple of nights childcare with the money you'd save not having his sponging arse draining you.
Goid luck with.your degree.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:48:36

If we did eventually move in by then I'd be earning half what he does but wouldn't be able to afford to kids to do extra curricular activities etc like they do now. Not to mention holidays. We have two (UK) holidays booked and he hasn't even offered to pay for himself let alone anything towards the kids.

something2say Sat 23-Mar-13 16:49:15

I'd start making some changes and start now !!! For example, asking for money for his share of the food, or cook, and tell him there is none for him as your budget hasn't stretched this week to include him. See what happens then x

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 16:49:52

'Think it is partly principle that he wants us both to be earning and working.'

He wants to freeload off you. Duh. Sounds like your elder DD doesn't like him much. Why is that?

something2say Sat 23-Mar-13 16:50:09

I think you have to ask him, not expect him to offer as clearly he thinks you are ok paying for it all....

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:50:14

His wife stayed in the marital home then didn't pay the mortgage for months. They Also had loans and credit cards

fedupofnamechanging Sat 23-Mar-13 16:51:35

You are better off not letting him move in because he will just loaf in your house, rather than hid friends and still do sweet FA to assist you. In your shoes I would get proper child support and use it to finance child care so you can study and on the night's he I'd at yours, I'd take myself off to study and leave the Kidd with him. Make his.presence in your house work for you. At the moment you are his regular shag, without him having to commit.

I would be very wary of s man who you think is attempting to dodge maintainence for his children from his previous relationship.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:52:01

He thinks its ok that I'm paying for everything now because its for the families good long term. Hence if he contributed now it'd be longer til he could pay his debts and move in.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 16:52:14

'His wife stayed in the marital home then didn't pay the mortgage for months. They Also had loans and credit cards'

And now he's living for free off this friend and you.

tribpot Sat 23-Mar-13 16:52:22

So tell him not to drive/walk his dd to sleep every single time. What would he say if you did?

Can't believe he's got the nerve to be coming on holiday with you and not paying his own way. How does that tie in with it is partly principle that he wants us both to be earning and working ? He wants you to be working, more like, so he never has to shell out for a bloody thing.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 16:55:30

I don't get why you're with him at all. He's a sponge. He does nothing for you or your child.

ChunkyEasterChick Sat 23-Mar-13 16:56:13

How much debt is he in??!!! I was earning almost that much a few yrs back (2 dc later & part time, not so much...) and whilst I would never have thought myself rich, I was paying towards a reasonable size mortgage, saving for a wedding, supporting an expensive hobby etc etc. DH & I have only slightly more annual income combined now but we have a HOUSE and 2 dc. He isn't even paying rent...

I think the lack of financial savvy would have been a warning for me, let alone him not seeming to want to live together v much & not contribute to a joint life together.

I'm afraid you do seem to be being taken for a mug.

overmydeadbody Sat 23-Mar-13 16:56:35

So basically you are a single parent who has a part time boyfriend who also happens to be the father of one of your children, but isn't committed to either being a parent or being a boyfriend.


Not sure why you are wasting time and money on him.

he should be bringing food round, for all of you, on the days he comes over. He should be having an active part in family life, it sounds really sad that he doesn't.

Does he even view you three as his family? Or are you just his girlfriend who hhas kids?

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 16:57:20

You realise he could move in anytime he wanted? He just chooses not to.

And who guarantees that he won't dump you once his debts are paid off?
Or continue to live off you?

Also, why didn't he pay part of the mortgage, or all?

I wonder what were the reasons for the split...

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