So 'D'H drops the bombshell that he is no longer interested in staying in our marriage and no longer loves me etc almost exactly a month ago. You can find my past threads on this using my username. I have asked, ranted, begged him and cried my eyes out to re-consider for the sake of our DCs and for our 12 years together but no, he is not interested. We saw a couples counsellor twice until I cancelled the 3rd appointment as this was the day after he told me that he has already made the decision to leave and he found the counselling pointless (because obviously he is not interested in repairing our relationship). This was last Sunday. He's been to see a few places this week and saw one today that he thinks will be suitable for what he wants (looked at me blindly when I said he needed to think about this carefully, it's leaving the marital home and our DCs, not just this brand-new nice cool flat he has found for his newfound 'freedom'). This place is ready for occupying next weekend. I am reeling in shock. I cried my eyes out last night (for the first time, thought I was coping brilliantly, everyone saying how 'brave' and well I was doing) and will no doubt do so tonight again when he is out.
However, I also know I cannot change his mind. God knows I tried. Just for the sake of my very two lovely beautiful boys. Do I still love him? Probably not after the shit he has pulled on me in the last month. But I would have been willing to do anything to make it work. He cannot see he is in the wrong. He had a 'connection' with someone at work which I have no doubt is the catalyst for him to leave. He says we have let our relationship get bad to the point of no return. Bullshit, in January, we ordered new furniture for our house and booked a holiday for Christmas, not the actions of a man planning to move on so quickly. We don't have a bad marriage as such, just a stressful year and for me, the normal ups and downs of being a couple and family. Anyway, we have actually done a lot of talking and in my saner, more lucid moments, I have 'negotiated' with him over what he has to do that will be 'right' for the children. And for all his faults, I know he will not let our boys 'suffer'. He has agreed to almost all the stuff I wanted - him to live within walking distance away, he will have to have the boys alternate weekends and one night/week eventually (not to begin with despite this breaking my heart!), boys and I to stay in the marital home (which he will continue paying for) for at least the next 2 years till DS2 starts school and is settled in school. We have even negotiated the money issue and agreed on the split of money (not assets, just day-to-day living money/expenses as he earns a lot more than me).
We have plans for the Easter break, which we will keep to. He is taking DS2 for a weekend away to see his sister and boyfriends while I am taking DS1 for a weekend away. And we are going camping as a family the last weekend. But I don't know to break the news to the DCs that their very loved daddy will be moving out? I do pretty much 100% of the childcare in the week and on weekends, we obviously do stuff as a family. So on a day-to-day basis, things will be fine. Nothing much will change for the boys. Can anyone give any advice? Should we just come out with it and say, "Daddy and Mummy don't love each other anymore but we love you both very much so Daddy will have a new home you can go and stay at soon?" I don't think the DCs will process it properly at this age. Should we just leave it or press the point till they understand once we have told them? And should we be making it out like it's an adventure for them? They can choose what toys to take with them to live in Daddy's house? I really don't know how to play this. I just want to make this as painless for them as possible even though it's breaking my heart to tear their world into pieces... :( For anyone who's been there, please advise and 
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What do I tell DC, 5 and 3, about separation?
angel1976 · 23/03/2013 12:16
I would go for the adventure angle, maybe initially if he will be within walking distance, h could still play a daily part in bedtime routines assuming he does currently.
I'm currently trying to explain to dd where daddy has gone but to be fair she doesn't seem too bothered by it, as he wasn't always home from work in time for bed, and worked at least part of every weekend.
There will be others along with far better advice than me. and (((((hugs))))) to you and your boys. Don't be hard on yourself, this was not your doing x
So it's okay to present this as 100% normal'? I think that's best at that age but will be it damaging for them long-term? I know there's no 'win win' situation here. If I make it out to be devastating, they will think it is and it will be awful all round. But if I make it out to be 'normal', am I going to bring up two boys who will not give a toss about marriage and think their father leaving is 'normal'? Or am I over-thinking this for their ages? 'D'H is not back that much for bath/bed routine though he does make it for the bed bit 2-3 times a bit. I was thinking in the initial days (before sleepovers at his), to ask him to come over on a set day (Wednesday) so he can have dinner with us as a family and then he can put DCs to bed while I go and do an exercise class? Is that a good idea? And for him to come bright and early on Saturday or Sunday to have breakfast to see the boys and take them out? Eventually, once he gets the right furnishings in the house, they can start with the sleeping over bit and we do the alternate weekends and once a week thing... Sorry, obviously never experienced this or know anyone who has (actually, wrong, I do know a single mum and she has already spoken to me lots but her and her ex separated when their little girl was 1.5 so there wasn't any 'explaining' to do as such.
Thanks for the 
and hugs, badly needed the hugs and support this weekend. The DCs are away next weekend at my in-laws so it wouldn't be a bad time to move some of 'D'H's stuff out to the new place. On the plus note, the new dining furniture we ordered (and he paid for) in January is arriving on Wednesday so he can have the old set for his new flat! 
And thanks Cogito, you posted on my other thread so thank you for the continued support!
Yes normal. 'Normal' when you're 3 or 5 is what your parents present as normal. Normality... plus consistency, reassurance, encouragement, love, etc... is where children derive their security and resilience. As they get older, of course, they'll realise that some kids live with their Dads but they'll also meet plenty that don't, just like them. They'll also meet kids who have lost a parent to death or kids in step-families or kids with two gay parents.... and all of those family structures are entirely normal. There is no one 'right' family format and the traditional nuclear family is certainly not the be all and end all. You'll need to accept that yourself of course because there are enough intolerant types out there that think single parents are appalling as it is. 
Which is why you answer their questions honestly when they come up but don't press the point otherwise.
I also will never say about the OW who is a permanent fixture in XHs life and tbh probably better for him than I was. The DC like her and her DC and its good that they have relationships with lots of people.
Doesn't stop me occasionally thinking ill thoughts of course as I am human . I'd be happy to meet her some time but I think she is less keen...
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