Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I handle this!? Dh not the dh I thought he was:(

(58 Posts)
Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:29:43

Feel so stupid and I have nc as I can't even admit to total strangers I am such an idiot.

We have 2 small children. I am a sahm and dh works very long hours. Recently he had to go on a business trip for a week. He got back very late, left for work the next day and promised he would come with me for a pre arranged day at a friends with the dc. He got home at 6.30am. I was already up with the dc. He went to bed drunk. He said he met up with friends and they were all drinking, he said he had a problem with saying no to drink blah blah and would never do it again.

Dd was very sick 2 nights ago and I called him at work to hurry home as she couldn't breathe and I needed him there. He promised he would be home in 30 mins. I was crying and panicked on the phone.

I got dd breathing again, and fell asleep on the sofa with her. I woke up at 1.30am and he wasn't home. Then ds woke up and wet the bed. I called him and he said he was meeting business suppliers and it just went on. He came home and I yelled at him and said enough was enough. He managed to convince me it was business.

Was looking on fb, and he works with a nightclub on a consultancy basis, but doesn't have to be there at night at all. They post photos on fb of the night. The is a pic of him with 2 women. They are all drinking wine.

I hate the fucker and can't wait for him to get back from a meeting to ask more questions about these " suppliers"

Or am I overreacting? I stopped sleeping with him after the all nighter a week ago.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 28-Mar-13 04:10:23

All of that sounds very positive, justwant, I'm glad.

What line in the sand are you going to draw, though? I mean, in your head, what's the walkaway point? Nebulous "he's trying" stuff can get very confusing, whereas "if he doesn't at least do one evening shift with the DC per week, send out his CV and stop drinking" is more concrete. Not that I'm telling you what is or isn't important - just that you need to be clear, for you, what the line is.

good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Mar-13 09:45:25

Hope it works out for you, keep talking to him.

dreamingbohemian Thu 28-Mar-13 09:57:44

It sounds like changing his job would be a very positive thing, so I can understand why you are hopeful.

You will still need to address how he acts around the house though, not just get him to be home more. Right now it sounds like even when he's home he doesn't do anything, you have to sort everything. Did he address that?

Almostfree Sun 31-Mar-13 22:04:18

Hi, read through this whole thread and your DH sounds exactly like my ex DH. I'm sorry, but his boss being 'nasty' when your DH said he didn't want to work extra hours is likely to be an excuse so that he 'can't raise the issue again', will have to keep working the extra hours, could be putting his job at risk if he doesn't etc. etc.
Also the grandiose gestures eg babysitter & cocktails are because he knows he's been rumbled and he needs to get you back on side and back in your box. A real gesture would be doing teatime/bathtime/bedtime for the kids while you relaxed.
If he absolutely did have to work the extra hours, he could choose how to conduct himself when working couldn't he? Not drink, get back as soon as possibly, keeping in touch, not engage in flirty behaviour?
I really feel for you OP, I was exactly where you are - I finally found the strength to tell my DH it was over and I've never looked back. I have 3 DC, and not much of a support network, but I am so much happier. You're doing all the hard work with the DC now as it is - I'm telling you it's so much easier on your own than being with someone who could & should be helping you but isn't.

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:28

He is a prick. I have two asthmatic children and my boyfriend, not their father and not resident with us, would come round here if he could get here. And what does that tell you about how much he respects you and cares about his kids?

Is he on cocaine? Because coming in and trying to fuck at you is a very coke head thing to do.

AnonToSpareBlushes2 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:02

Actually, I do believe the thing about meeting suppliers could be true. Sometimes business overlaps with having social stuff like that, particularly in those types of industry.

But I think it's unforgivable not to come back, whether it's business or not, when you tell him that your DD is unwell and that you need his support. It must be really scary deciding how unwell she has to get before she needs to go to hospital, especially without a second opinion from the other parent. THAT is the really horrible thing he's done - especially as you called him in tears and clearly needed him.

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:54:45

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

flaminhoopsaloolah Mon 01-Apr-13 00:56:40

How long have you been tellibg him that this hasnt been working for you and how long has his minimising/stonewalling/playing the victim/diverting attention from the problem response to your concerns been going on for?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now