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How do I handle this!? Dh not the dh I thought he was:(

(58 Posts)
Justwanttogiveup Sat 23-Mar-13 08:29:43

Feel so stupid and I have nc as I can't even admit to total strangers I am such an idiot.

We have 2 small children. I am a sahm and dh works very long hours. Recently he had to go on a business trip for a week. He got back very late, left for work the next day and promised he would come with me for a pre arranged day at a friends with the dc. He got home at 6.30am. I was already up with the dc. He went to bed drunk. He said he met up with friends and they were all drinking, he said he had a problem with saying no to drink blah blah and would never do it again.

Dd was very sick 2 nights ago and I called him at work to hurry home as she couldn't breathe and I needed him there. He promised he would be home in 30 mins. I was crying and panicked on the phone.

I got dd breathing again, and fell asleep on the sofa with her. I woke up at 1.30am and he wasn't home. Then ds woke up and wet the bed. I called him and he said he was meeting business suppliers and it just went on. He came home and I yelled at him and said enough was enough. He managed to convince me it was business.

Was looking on fb, and he works with a nightclub on a consultancy basis, but doesn't have to be there at night at all. They post photos on fb of the night. The is a pic of him with 2 women. They are all drinking wine.

I hate the fucker and can't wait for him to get back from a meeting to ask more questions about these " suppliers"

Or am I overreacting? I stopped sleeping with him after the all nighter a week ago.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 18:16:04

Hi i think if i am being honest that you need to breath and chill a bit. He might just feel stressed out and under pressure at the moment. You said yourself he has been away all week working .I understand your concern for your child of course but maybe he feels you are very needy and if he is at work you should let him work. Just a thought i like your post coffee1sugar by the way.

Lueji Sun 24-Mar-13 19:07:48

Seriously, pink???

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 19:15:00

Yes, PP has a history of promoting the enabling of shite men

and trying to guilt women into overlooking bad behaviour 'cos he has a penis

nothing new there

Fairenuff Sun 24-Mar-13 19:27:03

He's lying.

And he can't even be bothered to think up a plausible excuse.

He knows you will be 'off' with him for a while and then you'll get over it and he can carry on partying whilst you watch the children.

Ask him to move out until you decide if you want to continue a relationship with him.

Then keep an eye on fb. He will be all over it with other women because he really will be off the leash.

Sorry, OP sad

Justwanttogiveup Mon 25-Mar-13 02:06:43

Eggy I think you are right. I feel like I am already doing that now, just taking the money and I want my marriage back. Or what's the point? My dm ( who, I have to say is useless) would think that was a very good arrangement but I don't. It's sad my dh appears happy with that arrangement.

Imperial that's what I think too. His suppliers come from all over the world - these ones were Italians and about wine, they come a lot, not just to see him and sent him text saying they would be along later for a drink) I tried to talk to him about not coming home and he just tells me to stop going on about it.

Fairenuff, he can't be bothered is what worries me. Making decisions re the dc means you have to care and if you don't it just adds more stress to the problems and finding a solution.

What do I want to do about it? I wish he cared. He says he does but he doesn't, as he won't talk to me. Just says " ok, ok, everything's all my fault" or " I work so hard and this the thanks I get"

Ds is poorly now and always i call him after the docs and update him but I didn't. He didn't ring, didn't ask, didn't care. Came home didn't ask. Poorly dc lying around.

I have asked him to find the time to talk. I cry a lot, usually wake up at 4 in the morning and can't sleep. The trouble is, he will talk( not at 4am!) then want sex as we have made up, then he will be out til all hours / get drunk next night. So it's like he is forcing hisself to stay with me and the dc and really I have said if he wants to split I will and we are not happy, and he gets really angry as he says he loves us and I am awful for saying, threatening that. It's not a threat, I am trying to be nice and stop it before it gets worse. Giving him an out now.

So I told him we need to talk again. I keep being really nasty to him. I think I want him to hurt as much as me. I haven't been kind for days now. He tried but I can't. He bought flowers and a gift which was nice but its not a swap for a quiet life? He is off tomorrow so I guess I have to plan it.

Pink paws- your post shows a remarkable lack of understanding and empathy to me and my dc and for a moment i thought you were my dh.
and as coffees post was an unhelpful remark about the handling of my dd asthma, I suggest you kindly fuck off. It's not helping.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 25-Mar-13 02:43:34

If an Italian can't be made to understand how important family is, your DH wasn't even trying.

I have to say, your posts remind me of my musician ex-H. Nice enough in his way, just had a job that was perfect for him. Lots of socialising, drinking, some coke, some young women fawning over him, some irresponsibility and good money. He didn't want to grow up and act like a husband. 10 years later, I am remarried, I bump into him every now and again. He is exactly the same. No change at all. Even the string of GFs have the same name as me.

Do you want the same in 10 years?

MrRected Mon 25-Mar-13 03:18:30

Sorry Pinkpaws, your observations are just ridiculous. A bit like saying - ah well dear, not to worry if he's shagging the office bike, he's the breadwinner, so you'll just have to deal with it.

Finallygotaroundtoit Mon 25-Mar-13 07:16:08

Behaving like a selfish idiot in front of 'suppliers' might well lose him work.

But don't believe they were working anyway, sorry sad

DaffodilAdams Mon 25-Mar-13 07:26:14

"the office bike" hmm

TrampyPanterNoster Mon 25-Mar-13 07:49:45

It really does sound like he thinks he's don bloody draper! He's treating you and your dc like shit and is clearly disinterested in family life.

captainmummy Mon 25-Mar-13 08:13:59

So..... if you split up, you get to be a single parent (errrr,like you are already, really) and he gets to do what he likes, when he likes, with whomever he likes, with no responsilibities, no cares, kinda like he does already.


EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 08:14:46

OP,, you sound great, and you deserve better than this

You know you do x

dreamingbohemian Mon 25-Mar-13 08:34:10

Good lord, what a selfish prick

Workaholics never come out and say, "I work 12 hours a day because I love work and I want to avoid family responsibilities and have a ready-made excuse for socialising whenever I want." No, of course they are doing it all for you, it is such a huge sacrifice don't you know.

There is not a business person in the world who would hold it against him if he said he had to go as his child couldn't breathe. And if they did, it's not someone you want to do business with, is it?

His reaction to you now is pathetic.

If he's not willing to make some serious changes, I don't see what the point of the marriage is. He can still go work all hours and provide for his family, but you don't have to have his lack of caring put in your face all the time.

izzyizin Mon 25-Mar-13 09:27:48

When you're consumed by caring for others it's very easy to overlook your own needs.

Please find time to book an appointment with your GP for yourself, honey. It could be that you've simply got into the habit of waking at 4am due to other causes, but early waking is one of the signs of clinical depression and a short course of mild sleeping tablets or low dose anti d's may be necessary to restore your equilibrium.

As for your selfish arse of an h, put him on notice that if he doesn't curtail his 'working' hours it's not going to be question of whether he wants to split, it'll be of a question of when you choose to file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - which is as unacceptable as it is unreasonable for you and your dc.

After you've given him due notice, don't reward him with 'making up' sex as he won't see any reason to change his ways and you'll be left with further hurtful confirmation that he has no qualms about making false promises in order to continue carrying on as if he's a single man without a care in the world.

Justwanttogiveup Tue 26-Mar-13 03:48:49

Thanks eggysmile

I don't think he mentioned to anyone dd was ill, as he didn't want to go. I think he would have been sat on his own if he had mentioned a very sick dc and stayed.

Hatpin, it's his job, and he is in a socialising environment for work. Though I agree , he doesn't have to do it. They are selling, not buying!!

Captain mummy, I often feel like he is lodger or something. If one of the dc is in the bath and I am dressing the other, he has to be told to go and sit with them, tell stories etc. if I don't say anything, he lies on the sofa and puts the tv on. The dc get all moany when he joins us and dont want daddy. he storms off. He is never there usually anyway. He is only around bath time and bedtime when he has the day off. Mealtimes the same. When the dc play up, he just ignores them and I have to come and sort it out. He seems oblivious to the shouting / tears.

Izzy, I hadn't thought of that, needing a doctor myself. I guess I just assumed it was all part of my troubles and would go away when dh changed. He came home after I had gone to bed last night ( normal in his job). I used to wait up for hm but I don't bother now. He is always late and I feel such an idiot waiting up for someone who is just socialising.

Anyway, he woke me up when he got home, telling me he loved me and clearly wanting sex. I told him to get off, and I couldn't believe he had woken me up when for once the dc were sleeping through. He tried again and this time I shouted at him to leave me alone. I was so tired I didn't really know what I was saying, still asleep really. He left me alone after.

Today, he is off until the late afternoon so we can take the dc to a park and have a talk. I'm so tired of complaining, being told I am ungrateful, doing his best- and yes, I know he is a workaholic, and likes it. I just can't be bothered with the " you must support me I work so hard" and him agreeing with me sincerely, and not changing.

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:40:24

Good luck. I think your talk will fall on dead ears though. He has things just how he wants them. Why would he change?

EggyFucker Tue 26-Mar-13 08:54:43

Deaf, even

Although I was probably right the first time

dreamingbohemian Tue 26-Mar-13 08:57:12

Good luck OP.

Honestly, I think you would be better off without him. If he's never around and you can't even count on him in an emergency, what use is he really? It sounds like he just makes your life more difficult. And refuses to change.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 17:09:40

Wondering how you got on at the park, OP. Would like to hope you were able to talk, have a frank but civil exchange of views, and you are now completely reassured and feel the future is rosy!

Has it been like this since you started a family, does he come from a tradition whereby men went out to work and women stayed home and didn't complain, has he somehow relegated you to mum, chief cook and bottle washer? Unfortunately if he has then he will soon see you in role of his mother too, picking up after him, all the comforts of domestic life, taking parental initiative, doing his thinking for him. Does he think you are prepared to settle for what you have?

It is all very well for anyone outside your marriage to look in and say, what have you got to complain about, (if your DM is inclined to this then don't lean on her for support); you're the one who has to live through this.

I know more than one woman who has effectively raised the DCs like she is a single parent, the H is busy busy busy, any family time is in is eyes office time squandered, the only time they all have 'quality' time altogether is during a fortnight in the summer holidays or a week off at Christmas.

If things are no further resolved, you are not an idiot, you are not expecting too much of him. He is by now used to hearing you chastise him, he hasn't changed, he isn't taking you seriously. You can be sure if you split he will say you were impossible to please, too demanding, blah blah. He can say what he likes, those who believe him won't matter, those who matter to you won't believe him.

First things first, do make yourself a GP's appointment.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:35:48

He sounds hideous. And why all the sex? When he is treating you so badly.

I can't abide the "I do it all for you and the DC" bollocks, he clearly wants things this way. Expect he could turn nasty if you left and he had to pay maintenance etc, although that's no reason not to go.

Does he look after the DC alone often? Do his fair share of domestic work? Do you trust him to care for your DD and deal with an athsma attack? If not, then all the more reason to question being with him.

Dozer Tue 26-Mar-13 20:38:02

Re the sex I mean it's awful that he is pressuring you, and that you sound like you feel you have to have sex to "make up" when nothing is actually resolved and you are (understandably ) still angry with him.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Mar-13 20:45:04

He is treating you like a domestic appliance he can stick his dick in when he feels like it. I suggest doing the relevant research as to whether you can put him out of the house or whether you and DC would be better off moving; how much maintenance you will get, any benefits you might get, etc. Then sit him down and say you're not prepared to continue living like this and that he either starts pulling his weight in terms of housework and childcare, or you will end the marriage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 26-Mar-13 21:01:37

I am not saying LTB. Undeniably when DCs are involved there is an added factor to consider. Nobody's perfect, every relationship has ups and downs.

Knowledge is power. Even if you don't yet feel inclined to find out legally what your expectations might be, how your assets would be divided, maintenance and so on, start by writing out a list of any bank accounts, pensions, maturing policies, outstanding debts.

You're not an unpaid housekeeper/childminder, you aren't there to service his needs. Not being salaried doesn't mean you are on duty 24/7 while he plays at being a big shot. Somewhere along the line perceptions got skewed.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:11:27

Just leave, take your children and leave - get a lawyer and make him support you.

Justwanttogiveup Thu 28-Mar-13 03:22:47

Been away dealing with a few things, so wanted to update the thread.

Dozer- he doesn't pressure me for sex. He doesn't get arsy or anything.

We had our talk- not in the park as dc wanted to do other things - but he knows he's a fool. He has sent his cv out to various head hunters and is looking at changing his job. He has had meeting with his boss and told them he is not doing all the extra hours for free on a permanent basis or otherwise just because he is a senior manager. They are short staffed and should hire anyway- just trying to save money by making sm work like 2 people and telling them that's why they get more money.

His boss was rather nasty so it looks like sending his cv was a good thing.

And he arranged for a babysitter, and took me out for cocktails and dinner.

I'm not going to ltb, not yet.

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