Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this a non starter (sorry, mega long post)

(59 Posts)
AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:25:08

Iv been single since I caught my DS's dad with another woman. Iv had the odd fling but nothing that serious. My DS is now 19months.

Very recently I got with a new guy. We dated when I was 13. He has a DS aged 7yrs. He says that he's never stopped thinking of me and that it's like when people reunite with their high school sweethearts. He says I'm the one.

My problem is that he brings up my past a lot. He seems to think that every male iv ever come in contact with that I have some sexual history with, which is not true.

He throws it in my face and makes sly comments which are not nasty but that I find offensive. Iv told him how I feel about it.

Otherwise he is excellent with my DS and I have bonded really well with his DS. He would do anything for me, helps out loads and is very loving and affectionate.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true? Does he have a really low opinion of me or is he just insecure?

Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. Perhaps I'm paranoid. Perhaps I'm so used to things being or turning shit that that is what I expect. Argh I don't know. I need outside, informed opinions please

Anniegetyourgun Sun 24-Mar-13 11:10:31

Good advice from Mushroom, good decision. (But don't hold your breath.)

SirBoobAlot Sun 24-Mar-13 11:05:31

This guy is being a controlling prick and you want to play a game with him by setting him a challenge for how long he can not question you each time you speak to someone?

Wake up, and run away.

AngelNanny Sun 24-Mar-13 10:43:23

I think I will do what Mushroom says.

Thanks for all your help.

MushroomSoup Sun 24-Mar-13 09:58:12

You have managed all these years without him.

Tell him to come back when he's had enough counselling to know how to treat a grown woman in an adult relationship.

Toasttoppers Sun 24-Mar-13 09:27:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dawntigga Sun 24-Mar-13 09:13:42

I've decided on threads like this instead of LTB which op you aren't going to do (although you should), I'm going to say SWTB Stay With The Bastard as you aren't going to take any advice really anyway.


AllOverIt Sun 24-Mar-13 08:21:36

Sorry, but I would run for the hills.

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 24-Mar-13 08:16:51

"Apparently I do because if he asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc. I tell the truth because believe me he would be worse if I lied."

This last sentence is really worrying - what do you mean, he would be worse? That sounds like he's already threatening or at least verbally aggressive.

It sounds like what you need at the moment is some time on your own to rebuild your self esteem. Out of interest, how did you get together? Did he track you down and swoop in like a knight in shining armour, declaring his undying love for you and refusing to take no for an answer, by any chance?

sudaname Sun 24-Mar-13 08:09:31

izzyizin brilliant post @ 02:53. and when exactly did you meet my exh? confused

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 24-Mar-13 07:40:00

So many red flags her are fluttering. Men like this one who have inherent low self worth like women like yourself a lot because they can sense both the desparation and inherent low self esteem. This is about power and control on his part; he wants absolute over you to make him feel better. He will kill you emotionally in the end and drive you half mad in the process. Such men detest women.

You're 25; you do not want to arrive at 26 feeling even worse or more uncomfortable than you do now.

AN - what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. TBH you need to unlearn all the crap on relationships that you have been taught to date (and that also includes dumping this bloke asap) and start afresh with a new approach to relationships. I would also suggest counselling for your own self in this regard.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. That is you.

Branleuse Sun 24-Mar-13 07:35:13

he does have issues but then don't we all. lots of us get damaged along the way and sometimes have to work through trust issues. a few issues does not an abuser make

Branleuse Sun 24-Mar-13 07:29:23

I think if his ex has cheated then it can cause major insecurities, but these can be overcome with work and talking - as long as he KNOWS when he's being unreasonable and is willing to talk etc.

id say that it sounds like it may be worth persevering but don't move in and give it time and let him know the sly comments are not ok

MidnightMasquerader Sun 24-Mar-13 07:22:33

How did he see this thread?

notimefors Sun 24-Mar-13 07:19:29

He sounds like he has too many issues with sex and women to be in a relationship right now. It won't work. It will leave you unhappy. Don't subject your DD to it - would be my advice.

ArtVandelay Sun 24-Mar-13 06:30:55

Oh dear, he sounds like a self indulgent, controlling arse at best and a manipulative nutter at worst. Nobody should be making you feel like this, especially someone who claims to care about you. Get shot of him before he drives you mad.

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 00:52:52

I ask again, how did he 'see this thread'?

blackcurrants Sun 24-Mar-13 00:15:41

Well, I was going to say what thesecondcoming just said, so I Errol just add, when he gets nastier and you realist you don't know which way is up any more, because of gotta manipulation and control and bullying, we will still be here.

But I would save you and your DC the bother and pain, and run for the fucking hills. Red flags everywhere. And you really needed top work on your boundaries, he treats you badly and you think it's okay. It's not okay.

TheSecondComing Sat 23-Mar-13 22:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 22:14:11

Another red flag! Therapy for "all areas he has issues with". His other issues so far sound like jealousy and control (as well as the aforementioned bereavement). Without being too harsh, I really think you are clinging onto that dream of childhood sweethearts and being "the one" right from the age of 13 and it's clouding your judgement so you can't see that this is a damaged man who has considerable issues.

OxfordBags Sat 23-Mar-13 21:53:13

Was the reason you've not seen him since you were 13 because he fell into a cryogenic chamber and was frozen in time for 12 years? Because him being 13 would be the only excuse for him behaving like this.

And even then, that'd make him a shitty 13 yr old who wasn't fit to be anyone's boyfriend.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 21:38:57

what ?

he has all the hallmarks of a controlling arsehole because he has been bereaved ?

you are excusing him this shit based on that ?

look, we have all lost people

does it turn us into a jealous twat with issues ?


AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 21:35:12

He has very recently began therapy. It was mainly bereavement therapy but it is covering all areas he has issues with.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Sat 23-Mar-13 18:55:46

Im with eggy on this, my DH no interest in previous relationships, and vice versa.

These are HIS issues and there are some huge red flags flying here.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 18:52:57

My husband has no interest in the sex life I had before him, and vice versa

Any insecurities he may have, he deals with himself

and vice versa

This is how it should be

I think your boyfriend will not stop scapegoating you, unless he has shedloads of therapy to deal with his inadequacies

Would he agree to that ?

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 23-Mar-13 18:50:08

I just tried, but I can't stop myself posting this...

Heard It All Before.

No-one ever comes out and says, sorry, it's because I just wanted to poke and poke and poke - it's always because they're so hurt and distressed and worried they just can't help being unpleasant to you to solve their own problems.

Perhaps not. Perhaps this is different. But bear in mind that this is not a novel, or even convincing, explanation. Painting himself as scared and worried and potentially heart-broken doesn't square with a man who:

"throws it in my face"
"makes sly comments"
"it plays on his mind."
"doesn't want me being connected with these people."
"asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc."

That's nasty and aggressive attitude, no matter how convincing the casual laugh that goes with it. Please don't accept any "poor me" conversation tonight unless it is also accompanied with a seriously large amount of "poor you" for him having behaved like this - not just a sighing agreement to try and reign it in for a few weeks.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: