Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this a non starter (sorry, mega long post)

(59 Posts)
AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:25:08

Iv been single since I caught my DS's dad with another woman. Iv had the odd fling but nothing that serious. My DS is now 19months.

Very recently I got with a new guy. We dated when I was 13. He has a DS aged 7yrs. He says that he's never stopped thinking of me and that it's like when people reunite with their high school sweethearts. He says I'm the one.

My problem is that he brings up my past a lot. He seems to think that every male iv ever come in contact with that I have some sexual history with, which is not true.

He throws it in my face and makes sly comments which are not nasty but that I find offensive. Iv told him how I feel about it.

Otherwise he is excellent with my DS and I have bonded really well with his DS. He would do anything for me, helps out loads and is very loving and affectionate.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true? Does he have a really low opinion of me or is he just insecure?

Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. Perhaps I'm paranoid. Perhaps I'm so used to things being or turning shit that that is what I expect. Argh I don't know. I need outside, informed opinions please

purplewithred Sat 23-Mar-13 00:30:17

Run for the hills. Hes a bit obsessed with your sexual past, doesnt believe you, and keeps on about something you've asked him to stop doing. Drop him now.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 00:31:11

I'm seeing a couple of red flags there. One is the way he's saying he's never stopped thinking of you, you are the one! Its ringing a bit similar to when not so nice men trot out all the treating you like a princess, I'd do anything for my princess type lines. If he never stopped thinking of you, why has he not got with you between the age of 13 and however old you are now? The other is the way he is making sly comments about your sexual history (or none sexual history with these men). Its not necessary and I'm not knowledgable enough to know whether that's a sign of an abusive man but that feels off to me. I would be wary in this same situation.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:33:59

Oh crap I was hoping you wouldn't say that although was completely prepared and thinking it myself. I am 25 now and we met up briefly when I was 15 but not in a good place. After that he had a child but when they split a year ago he said he'd been looking for me as such.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 00:34:32

Also forgot to say thank you for your comments

poorbuthappy Sat 23-Mar-13 00:39:04

Run now.
You know you need to run.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 00:41:34

That's grim. He's pushing the boundaries. Wait till you get really serious it will step right up and he will make your life a total misery obsessing about your exes because he "just loves you SO much!" hmm

Dump, immediately.

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 00:42:10

Yes this a non-starter. Shame to have realised this after getting the kids involved, but the red flags are flapping so furiously they are deafening.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 00:50:43

How do you feel about him? He seems to think you're 'the one' but it seems like you're not so sure. If you're not that bothered, I would call it a day. If you do really like him, I would spell out for him that these comments and the attitude has to stop and never ever happen again as it is a deal-breaker for you. Of course you have to then stick to that.

hellsbells76 Sat 23-Mar-13 00:58:49

Eugh. I went out with someone like that when I was 19. It was exhausting. The final straw was when he got it into his head I must have been shagging my driving instructor two years earlier (short, bald, late 40s, father of my school friend hmm). You end up having these pointless arguments defending yourself against things that (a) didn't happen (b) would be fuck all to do with him if they had. Run. Like the wind. It will only get worse.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:02:05

What I really feel is that I love him to bits. I feel like we've never been apart and I know he truly loves me.

I know that a lot of the shit he is portraying is his insecurities as his ex cheated on him twice. I also know he has been through a hell of a lot over the last year.

He says he doesn't think bad things about me and that he doesn't think iv 'been' with everyone but it plays on his mind.

I feel in two minds as apart from this past stuff he is fixated with he is fantastic.

hellsbells76 Sat 23-Mar-13 01:08:40

But your ex cheated on you and you're not behaving like this. It really isn't good, and it will get worse. Suggest he gets himself some therapy to deal with his insecurities (if that's what it is - I still think controlling arse making excuses myself) but don't tolerate it.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:11:05

Well I would finish it and tell him exactly why. It may well be the sharp shock that he needs.

Quite frankly you could have shagged an entire football team in one night and it wouldn't be anything to do with him and he needs to have that made quite clear to him. If he can't live with that then he can just tootle off and try and find someone who fits the bill of never having had a sex life till he, Mr Diamond Dick came along. And good luck with that!

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:18:03

He has seen this thread.....

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:18:57

p.s diamond dick is hilarious

AgnesBligg Sat 23-Mar-13 01:23:58

well, he can't really demand that you have had no relations since you were both 13 can he? Especially since you both have children?

Erm. He needs to grow up.

If he can't then he is a fool and you need to dump him quick.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:27:56

His response is that he doesn't care about my past and who iv slept with or if Iv even murdered someone (iv not!)
He said he cares about if it is thrown in his face or brought up in conversation and doesn't want me being connected with these people. (Apart from my DS's dad who I have no contact with anyway).

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:31:00

Er who throws it in his face?

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 01:33:25

So has he agreed to not mention it again, ever? Even if it is 'thrown in his face' (by who exactly?) As for 'doesn't want me being connected with these people', well, that is nothing to do with him and nobody can rewrite history, so he either needs to get over that or you have no future. It's that simple. You are not connected with them, and he has to see that there is no need for any of this to matter now - in fact, ironically, he is creating a problem where there need not be one, by bringing it up. Tell him clearly this is the last time you will discuss any of it and that is the condition of your relationship continuing.

AngelNanny Sat 23-Mar-13 01:34:32

Apparently I do because if he asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc. I tell the truth because believe me he would be worse if I lied

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:36:33

Wait! Is he one of those who gets a face like thunder, thus ruining every outing and making you all nervous because maybe someone said "Hi!" or you mentioned that you'd been to this place before with someone else? Is THAT what he calls "throwing it in his face"? I rather suspect it might be.

Machli Sat 23-Mar-13 01:43:29

Right if he's reading this "Mr Diamond Dick it has nothing WHATSOEVER to do with you who angel has had relationships with before you, honestly it really doesn't. And at this point i would also like to mention how unattractive this kind of whiny "jealousy" is and if you can't get a grip of this teenage nonsense then ship out and let her find someone that isn't going to display the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old school boy every time her phone beeps, I rather suspect though that if you carrying on being such a chump you may well find the decision has been taken out of your hands as no emotionally healthy woman is going to put up with this kind of crap for very long. Hope that helps smile"

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 01:43:43

Erm, he doesn't care about your past or who you've slept with yet... he cares if it is brought up in conversation? Do you not see that means he cares about your past and who you've slept with?? I wasn't bothered about my ex's past at all, literally couldn't care less. If his exes popped up in conversation, either from other people mentioning them or my ex mentioning them himself, I didn't bat an eyelid. Because I didn't care. If your partner didnt care about your past he wouldn't care if it came up in conversation either. He's trying to talk his way around the fact he has issues.

Big red flag.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Mar-13 02:02:16

OK, I thought this might be solvable but the more you say about him actively looking for ways to bring this up, the less it seems like a goer. Seriously, someone who asks you every time you get a text if it's someone you've slept with? That is someone with Issues and you don't need that. Tell him that very clearly and say that for the sake of both your kids you don't want to get into a relationship that's loaded with these kinds of problems. The only possible way this can continue is if he immediately and permanently stops this nonsense. But you have to make that ultimatum clear and leave him in no doubt that you mean it.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 02:05:53

He says he doesn't think bad things about me and that he doesn't think iv 'been' with everyone but it plays on his mind

He's lying. He thinks you've had it off with every man you've met, including the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker etc, and that you'll continue to do so with them and with any new men who come in your orbit because he sees you as a bitch on heat - gagging for it with any man you look at, or who happens to look your way.

This scenario never stops playing on his mind because he doesn't trust you, or any other woman for that matter, and the reason for this can be found in his past way before his ex allegedly 'cheated on him twice'.

This deeply insecure man has no love for women. He resents what he perceives to be the 'power' women have over him and he 'breaks' the women in his life so he can gain power over them. From your OP, it's clear he's already begun the process of breaking you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that, given time, he'll come to trust you, know you'll never hurt him, that you'll never be untrue, you'd never look at another man, he's your soulmate, you are 'meant' to be, 'love' will prevail, and other equally misguided sentiments.

If you stay with this man it won't be long before he becomes violent towards you - most probably just a slap or two first and he'll be so sorry, he'll cry real crocodile tears, he'll say he didn't know what came over him, it's because he loves you so much he can't bear the thought of losing you, and he'll promise it will never happen again... but of course it will and, before you know it, your life will become a living hell which, in turn, will adversely impact on your ds.

Don't waste time running - jump in the nearest car and put your foot down hard on the gas. The hills are that way >>>>

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: