Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I doing the right thing breaking up with him?(52 Posts)
MN won't let me name change but know some of you will remember other posts so brief history.
I flip flap between sleeping with dd's dad, wishing I was with ds's dad and dating. Have been sleeping with dd's dad since November, had a wobble about ds dad which resulted in a thread in AIBU that gave me loads of good advice.
DD's dad is really really irresponsible, is always the victim and nothing is ever his fault. He does try but is quite feckless there is always something going on like he's in court today because he forgot to tell the DVLA when he sold his van. He lost his job, started another one moved to london moved back to Bristol and has been staying with me since January. He is not staying with me now.
We seem to have got into a pattern of being really really lovey dovey and hugging all night, chatting all night, cooking shopping and take aways, movies, drink ups, cinema, family stuff like bike rides and birthday parties and meals. Then little niggles he shouts at me I shout at him, then bigger arguments then his stuff goes to his mums. 2/3 days later he's all apologetic I'm missing him and we get back together all lovey dovey again. When it is all nice I have never been happier it's so lovely to feel cared about and loved.
Main problems are the kids, he thinks they are spoilt, honestly 100% I don't have brats he thinks they are spoilt because you might have to tell them to tidy up their toys every day and I pick up after them to much. I don't but thats how he sees it. It also comes across that when dc are at my mums or nans we're really good but when they're about he gets jealous almost of the attention they get. He doesn't take no responsibility with them now apart from telling them to tidy up. I also get really upset I feel he doesn't include dd like the rest although he twists it and says dd see's him more and has more then the rest.
A few comments he has made have really upset me, he said the dd we have together is our princess but his youngest dd is his queen. He also says his second eldest ds is spoilt and doesn't like seeing him, but when you pick him up on things he twists it all round.
He filmed us having sex, I did post about it I know it's a red flag I know he's a dick but after we argued about it and he left I still took him back. He also is selfish with regards to that and will stick it in while I'm asleep ect ect. Another thing we have argued about.
He cannot take any form of criticism and takes anything I say to heart, when I explained the dc complaining to me he's to bossy he took it to a whole other level and said he's refusing to tell them anything again.
He is now apparently new best friends with his ex wife, I have no problem with them being vague friends or him going round there but now this best friend thing (last few weeks he's told me this) is to much for me. I might sound possessive jealous ect but I don't want to be with someone who is best friends with their ex.
He has 6 dc including our dd and had a phone call from the csa a few days ago with a woman saying her 2 yr old ds is his. He's saying he doesn't want nothing to do with it as he don't believe it's his, she was married and put the child in her husbands name so in his eyes he thinks it should only be down to her to sort dna test out. (what a dick) I also get really upset I feel he doesn't include dd like the rest although he twists it and says dd see's him more and has more then the rest but he doesn't take dd round his mums like the rest she's seen his mum twice in the last 18months and one of those times was her sisters birthday party.
He keeps managing my expectations if that makes sense, whenever I get to happy and to comfortable and ask to much of him he then starts talking about how he won't get married again and yes we're in a relationship but with no ties. But whenever we argue and split up to get back with me he paints our future together saying we are properly together and of course he wants to get married and that but not yet.
My dm thinks he's started to see someone else, I'm not quite sure whether he is or isn't but a few suspect things have happened.
I say all this and am obviously not happy with him but I think if I give more and am more patient it will all work out, I know he will never leave me for good but it's all his terms. We have properly split up I have told him I really don't want to be with him anymore but I have this thing in my head saying I'm making the wrong decision by splitting up. Maybe it is me, he keeps saying I'm pushing him away with the arguments all the time but then I think well why are we arguing in the first place unless there was something to argue about!
If you have read my epic post thank you, any advice will be really appreciated.
(edits unkind analogies with canines)
AF- the sign undoubtedly says "Please".
You are not pushing him away
You have a sign on your forehead saying "use me"
It's really not about the sex, it's more I don't want to give up the sweet things like him rubbing my belly while I'm falling asleep because it's cramping or coming home and he's tidied up, cooked dinner and ran me a bath he really does make me feel loved . But we keep arguing about the slightest thing I go off on one and pack up any of his shit laying about, he doesn't see things my way or in a normal way and values are to different and so is the parenting style. He will spoil them and let them do or say or have anything they want. He is also very selfish but at the same time incredibly unselfish and will give me the shirt off his back if I needed it and has done.
I don't think I have put across everything fairly he does try hard and he is doing a lot right now.
I know we can't be together, I know it's not good on me or the kids my mum can't stand him nor my friends and that says a lot. I think it's me thats the problem I don't know how to have relationships and not push people away. He has said just now that it's down to me if I walk away then I walk away but he's not walking away from me this is my decision.
Why not be honest with yourself and just admit that you can't bring yourself to give up the sex? Which must be pretty hot for you to put up with being used and abused in this way?
I feel so sorry for you, because you clearly have incredibly low self-esteem. Please recognise that and takes steps to improve it - for your children's sake if not your own.
Get a grip....!
erm...it's not so hard. Don't get back with him. End of.
Think of the kids FFS...it's fun for you to be so in demand and get all this attention...but the kids don't have any say in this.
So that text that he sent you, checking if you are together or not, still sleeping with him etc.. Just happens to be Friday night eh? Any possibility that he was checking how the land lies with you so that if he doesn't pull he can come back to yours for a late night quickie?
So now that you have told him "no", what do you think he will do? My guess is he will be out on the pull tonight in full knowledge that he can do what he wants, when he wants. And even if you change your mind and find out he pulled tonight? Well, you did tell him it was over. He sees you as a complete mug and treats you like it too. Sorry to be so harsh but I suspect you won't listen to the gentle approach.
Do you want your DD thinking "This is what mum settled for, so i suppose i should"?
He's just text me so we're not together and were not sleeping together is that right. I just text back yes that's right. Why do I feel bad and that I'm making the wrong decision. I know I'm Not logically just this Feeling inside I'm over egging all this.
I am not usually like this, am usually on my own and happy with that! Not sure how I let him get so embroiled in my life again or why I minimise it. It's like I really want to be with him like he's my last chance. I think it's because he comes across and can be such a nice guy, really really nice.
I know I'm coming across as a stupid little girl it's just how I feel right now and I know as much as I want it it's not going to work. Hard though when you can just shush about things and keep the good things.
Yes you are doing the right thing in breaking up with him. Imho, it is also the right thing for this break up to be permanent. And I mean the kind of boundaries that won't let him cross your threshold ever again-that means holidays/birthdays too. He can see his offspring on his time, in his space. This sort of rule is not to necessarily punish him, but rather protect you from your own weak resolve. Don't create situations that will challenge you and lead to another collapse of your own self-respect.
Let all of his verbalizations wash over and past you like a puff of smoke in a very strong wind-they are worth about as much and last about as long if he bothers at all. Try to have a simple phrase ready and repeat as necessary, for example: "I'm done; tell it to the next one."
Perhaps you are feeling a bit of separation anxiety? This will pass. It will-just give it a chance to dissipate.
You say you are aware of 'rose tented glases' for your other Baby Daddy, but what about the ones you use for this one?
"...but I think if I give more and am more patient it will all work out, I know he will never leave me for good but it's all his terms."
Of course he won't leave you for good: you are intercourse on demand no matter how horridly he treats you (isn't he a lucky bloke?!). It appears that you are nothing more than a warm semen receptor to him; he has you very well trained (minimizing and dismissing rape as just another control tactic). All for the price of a little "lovey dovey" role playing-this is what is pathetic, not that you won't have a partner on special calendar days. This makes me wonder if you have a sex addiction yourself to put up with this.
INOBrandy, you show a little angry face in your previous post (17:37:09) but your words do not demonstrate it very much through out this thread. I have perhaps crossed the line on offensiveness in my post, I am sorry. But I hope it may encourage you to have and embrace your well justified anger and not be talked out of your own feelings any more.
He is SO not worth your effort or concern.
He is a prize twat and you really must gain some self respect and kick him to touch.
This is going to sound awful and it's not meant to..
In a conversation with some male acquaintances (defo not friends) you know the type, good looking, "players." Anyway, vile as their conversation was, one thing stuck with me. They talked about the "reek of desperation" that comes from certain women. It meant they could fuck that woman about in the most humiliating ways, and I've seen them do it, and the woman would still be clinging on, desperately hoping the man would finish the night in her bed.
I'm really sorry, OP, but you seem unable to envisage a life without a male. Any male. There really are worse things than being alone.
No of course not, having a night in with my friend and a take away.
You need to email HQ about their system glitch, btw
Not being able to namechange is a bit of a pain, and shouldn't happen if everything is ok with your account
There is no confusion with different daddy's waking up in my bed and them moving in and out, ds dad doesn't live in this country. I'm not on benefits either.... Thanks for the assumption but I do work ft.
Can't name change because on the registration it wont let me scroll down and keeps going on funny
I am listening, I know what your all saying is right I know what I have to do. Just going to take a while for it all to settle down, even just now he rang and wanted to come over and spend the night like nothing's happened! Argh and didn't even ask about dd who's not very well at the moment.
Get rid of him for the sake of your children. Get rid of him for your sake. Find someone who treats you with some respect, because this scumbag doesn't, despite what you may think when he's being "lovey dovey". All of his actions are about control, can't you see that? He controls you like you're a puppet on a string and at the moment you're letting him.
Don't let your DD grow up thinking that it's ok to be treated like that and don't let your DS grow up thinking that it's ok to treat a woman like that. Heck, not just women - no one should be treated the way he's treating you.
Of course it sounds awful written down, because it is awful.
You have minimised everything so much, that this all seems normal to you. Trust me, it is far from normal, very far.
He's having sex with you without your consent. That's rape.
I'm fizzing with anger that you're justifying his disgusting actions.
Who pays for all this??
Cos I'm thinking you must be in a mess financially If these men are to-ing and fro-ing this much as you are of course informing all benefits agencies who is regularly there and paying for stuff... Aren't you? And again informing them as he moves out again.. Takes ages for benefit adjustments
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.