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Make a plan, bide my time & leave or try & make him see how stupid this is?

(90 Posts)
HavingAnOffDAy Fri 22-Mar-13 10:23:36

OK, I'll try not to dripfeed. DH can be EA - nasty personal comments, he's made me feel I've never been good enough etc. He belittles me in front of the DC & is very shouty. He admits he is always quick to lose his temper.

It got to the point last Friday where we had a make or break discussion - he doesn't see that he can be wrong, but as I'm so hard to live with hmm he agreed that he couldn't continue with things as they are. We agreed to make the effort over the weekend to stop our usual reactions to each other & try & get along. It worked OK. There has been the odd 'see this what I hate about you' when I've reacted to things, one of which was getting teary when I had a message from a friend saying her baby will be stillborn next week due to it having chromosomal abnormalities. Surely anyone with any compassion would be sad about that?

I got home from work at 6 last night & DS (2) wanted to go for a walk, so I got my coat back on & took him out for 10 mins. Got back & sat DS on the worktop, directly in front of me, while I made a coffee. DS 'helped' & started playing with a bit of pasta that DH had left in a pan. He was making a mess with it but really nothing that couldn't be cleared away with a bit of kitchen roll in 2 minutes.

DH took exception to this - one of his 'things' is how messy I am. I'm not messy at all - just not as obsessed with housework as he is.

To keep the peace I asked him to watch DS/take him off the worktop while I cleaned it up.

His response was 'No - we've been perfectly fine & tidy until you came home - you sort it out'. I asked him again to just take DS so I could sort it out & he started again saying no, how I'm so messy, it was all tidy til I came home etc etc.

I & tried to explain that I couldn't leave DS where he was, while I got the stuff to clean round with but got shouted over again, with some stupid comment about how 'good' it was of me to take DS for a walk when I got in.

God, this is so petty written down!

I know I need to separate from him. Ideally I'd like him to move out but he refusues, saying he'd never let the kids with me when I'm such a mess, why should he hand over everything he's worked hard for blah blah.

I don't want anything from him other than what I'm entitled to through building up whilst we've been married (13 years)

I've offered to go to a solicitor with him & arrange an mutually agreed settlement - I just get snidy comments about how I'd screw him into the ground as I'm such a money grabber.

I've worked full time throughout our marriage, with the exception or 2 x Mat Leave for the DC of 1 year each.

This is such a pointless rant - I just wanted to get it down.

Should I just bide my time now, see a solicitor & make a plan to end it or is it worth trying to get him to see how petty & silly he's being?

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Mon 25-Mar-13 14:44:43

Lurker, sorry to butt in but I just read your last post and you really hit it on the head. Once you realise what is happening, and don't rise to it, they suddenly lose ALL the power. Gone.
Don't be surprised if he suddenly turns into Mr Reasonable, even Mr Cheerful in the next week or so.

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 25-Mar-13 15:25:19

Natural he's already started with his 'are you OK' routine. It's boring now & I'm so past it.

He works shifts so won't be around in the evenings this week - bliss smile. Me & the DC can enjoy family dinners without all of his fuss and I can enjoy a bit of head space.

ladymalfoy Wed 27-Mar-13 16:15:57

FWIW I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but didn't realise it until several years after I had left. I'm a teacher and during a PHSCE day I was supervising some delegates from WA who were talking about D and E abuse. The profound moment occurred when they introduced the term 'distorted perception'. The abuser has such control over you they can make you believe anything even though there is a tiny bit of you that realises it's all bullshit you believe it. At the worst point he had messed with my head so much I believed him when he told me that I was mistaken and it was Tuesday not Wednesday. Listen to you inner voice. The chances are your friends in RL are aware of your situation and ready to help you. Mine were. Two of them drove to the house and packed my stuff into the car whilst he was at work. If I can do it after not knowing what day of the week it was you'll be able to do it too. winethanksthanks

HavingAnOffDAy Wed 27-Mar-13 20:05:16

Thanks lady

My over riding concern is my DCs and making sure they don't grow up with thishmm, that's why I know I have to get out.

BranchingOut Wed 27-Mar-13 20:53:23

In a not-dissimilar situation here, though unfortunately I think that your H is probably worse...sad

Feel free to search for my threads if you fancy it. We have ups and downs, but with an underlying theme of 'you are not good enough'.

Lovingfreedom Wed 27-Mar-13 23:01:51

Yes you are right. It's not good for you or your kids to live like this. You will not regret getting out if this relationship.

Devendra Thu 28-Mar-13 10:39:17

Yes I remember the detachment... It was like observing it rather than experiencing the crap he threw at me... I also remember smiling to myself and thinking 'what a knob'.. Eventually I could barely be in the same room as him and I could not look him in the eye... 14 years ago and I don't regret a single second of leaving him. Good luck you and your children deserve better.

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 11:30:01

Exactly Devendra I feel as though his comments etc can't hurt me anymore.

I just get really fucking angry with him. I need to learn how to deal with that myself instead of reacting to him.

And yes, I often think 'what a knob' smile

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-Mar-13 11:33:02

Getting angry is a good step along the way to ' you say...tell someone who gives a fuck'

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Thu 28-Mar-13 11:43:14

getting angry and not reacting are all very well, but you need an escape plan.

Please dont 'learn to live' with how he treats you/DC. Go seek legal advice and get things moving. You have learned that he wont change and now realise what a twunt he is toward you, so move forward.

I bet lots of RL support will spring up once you tell people, nobody wants to comment on anothers marriage, but once you tell people they will probably breathe a sigh of relief that you are getting out.

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 12:35:08

Yes - my escape plan is evolving Jax

We are safe here & I want to find a house where we will be able to live for a while rather than uprooting the DC several times.

I learned to live with this too long ago & now I need to unlearn & keep my resolve

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Thu 28-Mar-13 12:46:27

well done having didnt mean my post to sound harsh, just didnt want you to keep living like this. sad

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 12:53:11

It wasn't harsh at all smile

I am looking forward to not having to deal with his shit any more!

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 13:44:06

And when you get there, think of all the time you can spend in your jarmers and make up free! thanksthankswine There really should be a PJ emoticon.

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 14:45:43

And slobbing around cuddling the DC without him telling me how to sit hmm grin

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 15:25:25

Watching what you want on TV? Eating peanut butter off the spoon from the jar? Two nights after I left Ihad a dream where I hit my ex with a chair. Lots and lots of times. Happy days. We love you darling and your little darlings.

Lovingfreedom Thu 28-Mar-13 15:45:06

I agree with Jax. It's amazing how many friends you find you have once you dump the loser. Go for it!

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 16:59:54

Haha Lady - the chair thing sounds good grin

I sometimes look at him and want to hit him really hard.

I never would but a chair dream may relieve that!

ladymalfoy Thu 28-Mar-13 17:35:16

It was well therapeutic ! He cried for his mum.

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 28-Mar-13 18:27:18

That is funny! smilesmilesmile

TinTinsSexySister Fri 29-Mar-13 20:26:26

Hello Having, I have just stumbled on this thread, and I want to say to you:

I am so unbelievably proud of you for coming to this point. To do so means you are intelligent, strong and a wonderful mother.


I have been in an EA relationship and so much of what you say resonates. I didn't see it until after he left me and I did a lot of CBT. You have seen it for yourself and are going to act on it. This makes you amazing.

AMAZING. Say it to yourself in the mirror.

In the short term there are some obstacles ahead but in the long term only freedom, joy and plenty of good things.

This man, this man you are about to leave, is a grade A cunt. It doesn't matter how he got to be this way, people go through worse who are nice.

He will play games. Use RL friends (mine were amazing and even though I had neglected them - been made to - they came for me when I needed them and stuck me back together), family and MN when you feel wobbly.

You are going to do this. Hurrah for you!

HavingAnOffDAy Fri 29-Mar-13 22:37:12

TinTin - thank you smile

TinTinsSexySister Sat 30-Mar-13 22:18:02

A pleasure, Having.

How are you doing today? PM me if you'd like and/or keep posting here.

There are plenty of MNetters here who are more knowledgable than me but I'd be happy to be on the end of an email/phone if you need it.

Onwards and upwards wink

HavingAnOffDAy Sun 31-Mar-13 09:37:51

That's so kind smile

This weekend has been okay, we've done some lovely things with the DCs and I've managed to get out for a run every day so have had a bit of head space.

When I run I look for potential properties to rent! Killing 2 birds with one stone!! grin

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 01-Apr-13 20:58:38

God, I need to speed up my plan.

DD had a temper tantrum this morning as we were getting ready to go out.

DH said she had to stay home with him, I disagreed as I didn't want to leave her home with him whilst I took DS.

Ended up DH staying at home whilst I took the DCs out.

Got home at tea time, he's not spoken to me since, just done lots if criticism of me via 'conversation' with 2 ur old DS.

He's sulking with DD too.

I'm so fucking angry with him confused

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