Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on

(242 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Fri 22-Mar-13 08:24:37

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

ElizabethHoover Sat 03-Jan-15 01:58:44

He died ?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 03-Jan-15 01:52:56

I don't think AmINeedy and driftwood are the same posters, more that AmINeedy recognises how she WAS similar to driftwood. I've wondered about driftwood on an off since her Spring 2013 posts and wondered if she'd ever made the break. I hope she did. Congrats to you, AmINeedy. smile

GraysAnalogy Sat 03-Jan-15 00:40:14

Well done

Drumdrum60 Sat 03-Jan-15 00:22:55

Wow! Well done. Not sure he deserves your help though. You should be free of him to start your own life. Too kind! A friend ended up with her husband living in the attic for three years which she bitterly regrets as she felt she couldn't have her own fun!
He has never deserved you. He sounds vile.

26Point2Miles Fri 02-Jan-15 23:32:10

Ohh... You write differently .. Good luck

AmINeedy Fri 02-Jan-15 22:45:28

I was driftwood,
I left my husband who denied ever going on the sexists and blamed other people for setting him up. I proved he had opened the account after we seperated and he died in shock ........we divorced I am in the family home which is for sake . My ex now lives with a lady who wanted to know why I divorced my husband , it appears he hadn't changed and she suspected he was up to his old tricks, I told her some if the reasons and the bunny boiler posted everything on facebook fir his friends and family to see.
My ex and I became good friends after he was made homeless , I gave him a roof to sort himself out but I was never tempted to start again with him,
I'll always love him and be here for him but I'm no fool xxx

skaboy Fri 10-May-13 23:41:18

Its really scary thinking of the future but you have to concentrate on the positive outcomes of which there are many - good luck smile

ladyjadie Fri 10-May-13 17:16:34

It's really good that you know it would be worth it. YOU are worth it, you deserve it. And when you have a wobble of wondering if you could just stay, just remember that!

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 10-May-13 16:23:05

To be honest in this situation if rift between looking at houses to rent, to thinking if telling him to leave , which he won't , to wondering if I could stay this way. My finances are either way with family tax creds, I will have £150 left for fuel, food, schoolboys fares, and utility bills, so trying to work that bit out.
Have seen a house I liked a few months ago to rent but I couldn't take my dog, but now they will consider a pet.
I am really scared but I know the relief and happiness will be worth the struggle , so yes I intend to leave him the profile in a frame and leave to pastures new with my two sons. Xx

ladyjadie Fri 10-May-13 16:11:16

Do you think you will leave after your son finishes in June?

It sounds so horrible for you, I know the exact feeling of sinking, losing yourself and feeling like you are slowly going crazy.

Would it help to say that once I was out of the relationship I used to be in, the one where I felt I was descending into madness and it must all be me, and about a year after that (for some it's not a quick fix but you have to go through a bit more hurt) that I genuinely am glad I'm not still stuck in that situation? And that it wasn't all my fault at all?

I understand you don't want to disrupt your boys. But I bet if you asked them a few years down the line they'd just want their mum to be really happy. And I think you know you can't be really happy in this marriage ever again. He's fucked you around too much.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 10-May-13 15:31:06

Lol, skaboy, I will let you know if I find the magic formula!
People think this is the easiest option staying, it is soul destroying .

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 10-May-13 15:19:32

Exams will finish for the youngest the middle of June.
I feel as though I am being eaten from the inside out, I have all the feelings inside and happy go lucky on the outside, even bought new summer clothes, booked a make over, joined the gym too, anything to make me feel good, all I see is a crabby old has been too!,,xx

skaboy Fri 10-May-13 15:10:40

Really sorry to hear this. I've been wobbling again recently after weeks of thinking I'm ok. I think betrayal is especially difficult to get over, but when it effects your kids its soul-destroying. I don't want my ex back but I have to see her all the time and I think that is what is making this more difficult. Being nice seems the easier route, and you seem like a genuinely nice person who can't do 'bitterness'.

If you work out how to get through it please let me know!

DIYapprentice Fri 10-May-13 15:07:33

It's a long time to keep hold of anger, it's not surprising that despair creeps in instead.

GCSE exams will soon be over, won't they?

What will you do when they are?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 10-May-13 15:03:59

Thank you DIYapprentice. I thought I was holding on quiet well, obviously I have moments where I can't believe I am being nice to this bloke and his approach to me makes me cringe some times ,with the knowledge I have of him.
The parents evening I didn't expect for it to have an impact on me, I now realise where ever I go with him I m embarrassed , even though nobody knows what he does behind my back recently. To add to it the first women he met on match 8 years ago also has a son in my sons year, I know of her name but nothing else, I could have been in the same place as her I haven't the foggiest , it was such a surreal feeling, that I honestly felt. Was going off my rocker, let alone my sons report by the teachers was glowing apart from their concerns over his revision for his GCSE,s.
I am only holding on so I don't affect the boys exams, ones final law degree other year 10 GCS!s.
I can't believe the effect it has had on me, lost my energy, zest in just a short few days, after I found He was on the sex dating site, I kept my head up high and motivated, I had fire in my belly, now I feel in a bubble!

DIYapprentice Thu 09-May-13 15:28:27

Oh dear, driftwood - that must have been so difficult for you. How have you been holding up generally?

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 09-May-13 13:37:37

Holding this all in is sending me a bit doo lally to say the least.
It was our sons parents evening on Tuesday and I went with his dad. I have never felt so nervous in my life!
I found myself wondering who my husband new, or if he had met any women on dating sites or anything else! And one of the mums who he approached on a dating site 4 years ago was there, she and I were chatting and my husband appeared next to us! I can't believe the Gaul of this bloke, he seemed to be strutting tall and I was ashamed, I felt sick.
I went home in silence, I feel , old, ugly, useless, stupid I know to let this event effect me like this , now I am edgy, snapping and walking straight into his hands as the miserable wife!

Sorry, had no where to turn, just been for a long walk in the wind and rain to clear my head!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 20:15:37

Fair enough.

Bottom line though

the man is a cock

what more do you need to know ?

xxdriftwoodxx Sun 21-Apr-13 19:44:53

Not sure that is his type, his sex drive is over the top. Nd never leaves me alone, though I think his drive is over the top. At times when things have been wrong it has also been times when there have been no barriers a nd sex as frequent as many times a day... It's as though he can't get enough . When I do say I am not in the mood he does get all tetchy and I am some frigid women even though until that evening sex hadn't been short.
Obviously I have gone through all sorts of reasons why, but I think he likes the thrill and seeks more fulfilment else where!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 19:33:35

Some people are able to compartmentalise

They see wives/husbands as the creme de la creme, they see some other people they use just for sex as somehow inferior

In men, they would be described as having a madonna/whore complex, have a look at a good representation of that here

xxdriftwoodxx Sun 21-Apr-13 19:24:00

This is where my head goes all over the place!
H has gone away on a course with work, the minute he leaves I get texts saying how much he loves and misses me already, there is a letter on my bed too.... I will receive texts all night saying how much he loves me,,, when we are together or apart it's as though we have everything going for us ,,,,,,,,,,,...this is why my head can't process all this and the reason I can't let go, it's hard to explain but this is why my head goes round, how can a man who is so blatantly in love with me, do the things he does, that's why I am so confused xx

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 18:05:38

And it brings it back to what was probably mine.

It doesn't matter what he does or says. If you want to end this relationship you do not need a reason to do it

Stop bothering about whether he can 'wriggle out' of anything.

No-one can 'wriggle out' of being dumped.

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:15

I know that, that is how I found he had been on the site in the first place. I typed in an old hotmail account and didn't put the last 4 numbers and up came his emails from the site, dating last may-July . I clicked in to the link which took me straight to his profile and details, everything had been wiped off his account apart from a selection of females he had chosen as liked but nothing more!
This brings me back to my first post, will he try to wriggle out if this as to him it was years agi( 10 months) since he went in and no proof he met anyone either,,, though a photo of himself , his real name and types of sex he liked!,

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 15:27:31

There's another thread at the mo where posters who use these affairs sites have explained what happens. Apparently they are just for making contact and all the 'activity' occurs off site once private numbers/e mail addresses are exchanged. Just cos there's been no 'activity' on the site since July, doesn't mean he's been inactive.

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 20-Apr-13 13:10:37

I was going to print off the profile and the page with my ah,s photo along with the other blokes waiting to be picked, but like I said his photo is still on the site but no activity since last July so far.
It's true though if this was someone else's life I would be angry for them, so hopping chatting on Monday will open things up for me, either way I know I am ready to burst, been holding it in so long but feel when I do burst nothing but silence will come out of my mouth!lol
Have set myself a goal to confront him, not sure how , face to face, the cowards way, leave him a letter and go somewhere to stay for the night for him to pack his bags. This is where I am the biggest coward of all,
Really chomping at the bit, .
I came home from work this morning and he greeted me with a hug and how much he loved and missed me, I hugged him back but he doesn't smell like my husband any more, he feels like a sickening sleezy bloke.
Hope everyone has the sunshine we have today, my pony loves rolling around , getting rid of her winter coat, she is lucky, no men in her life just me! Xx

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: