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Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on

(242 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Fri 22-Mar-13 08:24:37

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 02-Apr-13 09:54:22

I think I cut myself off from my family probably like you said felt worthless growing up and just learnt to look after myself at an early age which meant I probably depend more on a one to one relationship or need that one to one and feel lost without being part of a couple. I guess the best part is I am trying to unravel why I put up with stuff and why I roll over and put up with things instead of dealing with them.
Since posting on mums net about my recent dilemma my eyes have been opened by advice and other experiences and I was relived to see I wasn't going mad to want to stand up to what he he does, past or future. If it wasn't for accidentally finding he had joined last June( only found out 12 days ago though) I wouldn't be reanalysing everything and looking for a away out....... He made me feel in the past I had no justification to be angry or upset about anything. In the past so this time I wanted advice and retrain my brain to confront him with what I recently found out about him and I wanted to do this before I show him what I know as I am certain he will wriggle out if it. Xx

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 02-Apr-13 10:49:52

I had no intention of any confrontation last night so wasn't prepared BUT..........WHY is it that even with evidence in my mind, dates, photos, texts messages got them all.....when HE says I am wrong it didn't happen that way or, it was a joke or it was an old profile,or I am holding on to a grudge, .................why do I feel the baddy without a leg to stand on any more? Xx

LittleEdie Tue 02-Apr-13 11:09:28

I like you would argue with my DH about his behaviour in our marriage, and it almost felt like I had to convince him that things were bad enough for me to leave, like he had to agree to let me go. It was liberating (literally!) to realise that was not the case.

DIYapprentice Tue 02-Apr-13 11:45:38

Because you don't now how to feel like the goody without someone telling you that you are. The alternative, therefore, is being the baddy.

The only baddy in this relationship, though, is him. Be honest with yourself, you know him, you know that he will NEVER admit it, never in a million years. His only option is to turn it around. He has always done it, and he will continue to always do it.

Oh they'll never admit it's their fault. Not in a million years.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 02-Apr-13 15:42:59

You are right and I don't expect him to admit it, but why when he defends himself do I feel I haven't a leg to stand on, it's as though the screen shots, the actual profile and details he supplied are in my imagination and don't read what they actually say..... I know it seems stupid of me, but why does the reality of things just vanish when he argues his point ? My mind goes blank and I seem to have no argument !!! I think I am a hopeless case?
I end up feeling I am imagining all this and making life hard for myself, arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

DIYapprentice Tue 02-Apr-13 16:23:03

One of the methods that abuse victims have of dealing with the abuse is compartmentalising things. So the abuse gets locked away in another part of the brain, not to be touched by the other part of the brain that deals with the day to day aspects of life.

Once the technique of coping is learned, it becomes a way of dealing with other stressful/difficult situations. Which is probably why you feel as though it's 'imagined' or 'just vanishes' from your brain - because it is in that other part of your brain which you have become used to locking away.

Oh driftwood, so sorry for all that you have been through.

WHY is it that even with evidence in my mind, dates, photos, texts messages got them all.....when HE says I am wrong it didn't happen that way or, it was a joke or it was an old profile,or I am holding on to a grudge, .................why do I feel the baddy without a leg to stand on any more? Xx

You are so worried about confronting him, about him wriggling out of it, making you feel stupid and unreasonable. Then don't give him that chance.

Put your printouts of the latest screen shots in an envelope.

Once you are ready to leave him, tell him it's over because you don't want to be with him anymore. This is fine. Really. He can't make you stay in a relationship with him. I think, from what you have said that it would be unwise to get into a discussion with him about the recent website issue. Because it is that which has made you realise that all of it has been unacceptable. This is the final straw. If he's going to tie you up in knots in an argument, then don't bother having one. Just keep repeating "I don't want to be with you anymore"

It actually doesn't matter what he thinks.

As a parting shot you give him the envelope.

If you do not want to discuss anything with him, if this would strengthen your resolve, knowing you didn't have to get him to admit/agree, then don't have the discussion.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Apr-13 17:22:29

You can leave him you know without providing proof that he is cheating.

His shitty behaviour is more than enough reason for ending the marriage.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 02-Apr-13 17:32:23

DIYapprentice......that's exactly what I have done all my life even after my first H was killed, I automatically put it away and got on with my life as though he stepped away... But now with what happens I want it to stay in my mind to give me strength but it vanishes in days, hence me going round in circles and annoying some people as it seems I can't or won't solve this, thank you for understanding me.
Scarlet women, I agree with you and wish I could just leave but I can't afford to rent somewhere other wise I would live to walk away, I need to face him to force him out or leave the envelope while I go to work and hope he leaves.
Mad about choc, you are right but I feel I need to stand up to him, but its not working ....xxxx

You need to tell him something he cannot argue with.

How about: "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be with you." and just repeat.

DIYapprentice Tue 02-Apr-13 17:48:52

Driftwood - I really, really think you should get some counselling to help you. You have developed a coping mechanism that has helped you survive.

But you deserve to live, not just survive.

You need a new coping mechanism now. You have a lot of trauma locked away and I'm worried for you - trying to unlock this compartment on your own could cause the emotions to overwhelm you. You haven't had a grieving process for your losses, and it sounds as though you have had more than your share of them. The thought of all that grief hitting you all at once sad ...... please, please get some help.

captainmummy Tue 02-Apr-13 17:50:05

Scarlet is right - even if you feel that he is being totally reasonable, that you are being a 'nag' (his words, not yours/mine) even if the sex-memberships/affairs etc are years old/over/a joke, you don;t need the evidence to end this abusive, conniving, undermining relationship. He will probably never apologise (and what good will it do, anyway?) and never admit to being wrong or unreasonable.

You can still get out from under him, without evidence of his wrongdoing. Just walk away towards a new, better life for you and your dc.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 02-Apr-13 21:20:51

DIYapprentice, don't worry, I am fine I promise you, I don't need counselling, I have learnt to deal with things but I avoid confrontation which is my weak point. I have learnt a lot about my relationship with my H and living isolated in the country is ALS a reason I have put up with things and scared to make the change....feeling a failure too, being out of control and not in a normal relationship has taken its toll..... I had nervous exhaustion 15 years ago, my body just wouldn't work one day and I had to learn to cope with stress and prevent the symptoms returning, hence my now laid back attitude, I know there is no point getting het up with things that have happened and learnt not to let things get to me, that's my protection mechanisms to take things in my stride , thank you for the concern though xx

badinage Tue 02-Apr-13 21:42:42

Stop engaging with him. It's irrelevant.

Just get out of the relationship if that's what you want to. If you don't - then stay.

It's your choice.

Your lawyer on Friday will be able to advise you about how to achieve living separately.

I have never seen a poster more in need of counselling than you driftwood.

Of course you need counselling.

You have not learnt to deal with things at all. You've learnt to avoid things and to pretend they are not happening, especially if one person says they are not. You won't listen to the other 100 who are telling you something different, even your own children.

xxdriftwoodxx Wed 03-Apr-13 21:26:09

Thank you for your kindness bandinage, a person not to mince her words , unable to recognise a person in genuine need of help .... Thank you so much, I won't be posting again!
Thank you so much to everyone else, your kindness and support has opened my eyes, yes I go around in circles as I try to sort this out in my mind.
To badinage I say, walk a mile in someone's shoes before you knock them

UnlikelyAmazonian Thu 04-Apr-13 02:08:19

You should show half an ounce of the irritation you feel at Badinage, at your husband.

You can obviously throw a top flounce.

Pick your battles - I kindly suggest that your first should be with him.

UnlikelyAmazonian Thu 04-Apr-13 02:10:05

unable to recognise a person in genuine need of help .... shock am very cross on your behalf badinage.

Tequilas all round at my place.

No flouncers allowed.

UnlikelyAmazonian Thu 04-Apr-13 02:18:11

Also, driftwood says she's not going to post let's celebrate and create merry havoc. <<does a backflip>>

Baked potato with cheese, beans, sweet chilli and smokey bbq sauce anyone??

Mmm that's lovely. Thank you Missus Me.

No no <<noises off stage left>> I'll pass on the tiger prawns in a delicate saffron sauce for now.

But some of those scrumptious chicken wraps with olives feta and chips would be super. Ta.

<<great flouncing party OP!!>> munch munch.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 18-Apr-13 19:58:07

Just an update to say " thank you " for ALL of your's 4 weeks today that I found my H has a profile on My son at Uni has gone back to finish his finals, he lost his dad when he was one, he deserves a bright future, not to be affected by my 2nd husbands hang ups .
I did feel bad at the wy I was dealing with things but as a mum my duty is to protect my kids through thick and thin... My on is back at uni and now I can deal with my H.
I have made an appointment with a counsellor on Monday at 10 am, she knows my past , my intention is to end the marriage , I feel fit and strong now, my son ont be affected , he should know about this when its done and dusted...... My kids mean more to me than anything but now it's my turn xxxxxxxxxx

MyPreciousRing Thu 18-Apr-13 20:44:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 18-Apr-13 21:14:38

Hi, no, not confronted my H yet as son went back to Uni yesterday. Booked with a counsellor , intend to do something soon... Finding it hard to hold on and not explode. Looked at rented houses but decided my youngest needs the security of staying at home, he too has exams in the next few weeks..... That's what annoys me most, he poos on me and I am the villain not to stand by and let him continue to pull the wool over my eyes, and ruin my sons future, he shags around regardless, and I have to be refrained and pick my moment fir the sake if my sons xx

MyPreciousRing Fri 19-Apr-13 06:38:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 19-Apr-13 09:10:01

Why do I still feel in love with my husband? I realise this may seem stupid to most of you, but I am trying to work my way through all the different thoughts and feelings.
He doesn't know I have found out he was on the affair site, sometimes I just watch him in his daily life, he is happy and smiling and everything I fell in love with, we laugh and joke as normal , he works hard, loves our son and his family, he has lots of work friends and hobbies and not a stale type of guy, I can't fault the person I see on a daily basis, that is the man I am in love with.
If I hadn't stumbled on emails or stuff I would never have dreamt this man would have affairs or join sites, that's why when he defends himself, I look at him and think, yeh it's me who has got it wrong, yeh, he didn't mean it or no, he didn't take it any further!
Yet the other half of me is fighting and saying , don't be so stupid, can't you see this man is a secretive liar and has two sides to him............... But when I look at him and watch him, I see the man I love,,,,,,,,,that is why I am having trouble doing anything...... At least now I know where my problem I said I am a hopeless case? Xx

skaboy Fri 19-Apr-13 10:26:17

Yep....liars are really good at the 'pretence that everything is ok' thing. Its really hard to work out. I think there are two types of people - those who can and those who can't do it. Underneath it all somewhere, there must be guilt and doubt eating away at him....or maybe not?

Trying to look at it objectively (I know its hard) if it was a close friend and not you in the situation, what would you say to them?

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