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Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on

(242 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Fri 22-Mar-13 08:24:37

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 23-Mar-13 15:57:12

I think that's what I am worried about, I know he will just talk his way out of it again but to be honest I am fed up of finding he has been on or what ever. 5 years ago he took someone with him to an annual bike holiday, they went as two couples both denied it was anything but friends, yes I fell for it, then two years ago I saw he had written On a forum relating to this bike holiday and he discussed this lady as his girlfriend and joked about her( the posts were written5 years ago it I saw them two years ago )
Too me him posting about her for the world to see at that time when I was probably in the other room,,,seems weird to me??
Yes iWork t be co fronting him, thinking if having the profile I found of him on MarriedAffsirs blown up, placed on my front door with his stuffing bag for when he gets home . Just want Easter over and my eldest back at uni, the kids have no idea about this or my H, keeping mum though feel sick especially when he comes near me, I just smile as though everything ok!! sad

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 23-Mar-13 16:00:21

Sorry about spelling errors was rushing !!
Thank you for your advice, I don't feel as alone or that I am over reacting or going mad about this as he would make out all this is nothing , it's me making a song and dance making it worse than it is!! Mr nice guy??!!

something2say Sat 23-Mar-13 16:55:05

The thing is, I think you ought to expect him to lie to you,and inside you have to think that you know better.

Try and avoid him but if you have to, look upon him speaking and know it is a lie.

He may try to talk his way out of it, but you don't have to let him. That's the key.

Him posting about another woman and calling her his gf is not weird, it is downright abhorrent behaviour, and highly disrespectful to you,his wife.

Why do you have to keep it quiet for your kids? They will know one day.

Tortington Sat 23-Mar-13 17:06:00

your kids are just an excuse. and this is a loaded word - and i'm sorry i can't soften it more, but its really pathetic.

he has done this more than once before

he went on a bike holiday with a woman and you believed they were just friends.

You are very gullable, and he knows this, he obviously doesn't love you, you don't treat someone you love like this

he doesn't respect you, you dont treat someone you respect like this.

keep your powder dry, seek legal advise, get documents in order, get your things together, know your finances, know your shared debts, store your evidence such as screen shots on a new e-mail account.

change passwords to all online accounts.

again i reiterate, your children are an excuse, if nothing else you should be plotting and planning, making appointments, getting your affairs in order and making a plan.

whosiwhatsit Sat 23-Mar-13 17:12:13

Yes definitely use your ability to act "normal" to your advantage! Hatch an escape plan from this marriage and seek legal advice. When you're ready to act, present it all as a "done deal" and tell him what's going to happen without letting emotions get in the way. All you need to do know is figure out what you're entitled to, ie house money cars maintenance and custody, and make sure you get it. He's had more than enough chances.

Tortington Sat 23-Mar-13 17:12:42

In your shoes i would get my shit in order. tell him you want a divorce and arrange to stay with someone for two weeks. I would then buy a new phone/sim. tell friends and family i had changed my number so he could not text or manipulate me.

I would not tolerate it and i would not speak to him ever again.

he can talk his way out of things becuase you let him and only becuase you let him.

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 19:04:32

Look, if he's been that blatant, the kids do know about it, as do a fair few others.

The only one who's been in a state of denial is you.

As soon as you discovered him writing online about his girlfriend, you should have shown him the door.

You don't even need to prove why you are leaving him. Being unhappy with someone is enough to end a relationship.

Despite what you pretend to yourself to prop up your inertia, once you've booted him out, numerous people will ask you why it took you so long.

Hatpin Sat 23-Mar-13 19:37:48

Ah I remember your previous thread, OP.

Of course all his workmates / friends etc will know, and your sons have probably worked it out too.

By now his justification for carrying on in such a blatant way will be that because you've never applied any serious consequence to his behaviour, you don't actually mind all that much.

He lies when confronted because he doesn't want a row, not because he thinks you'll kick him out or anything.

Do you want to end your marriage?

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 23-Mar-13 19:55:32

He will have convinced himself he's not in the wrong as he hasn't actually gone through with any communication on that website. Like putting a hook in the water, if the fish bite then it's their fault not his. He would have been lured in.

Then there will be the next site, and the next site....

Incidentally what did he write about his home situation? That you didn't understand him/were frigid/were cold and unloving? You will be to blame for forcing him to be there.

The gas lighting behavior is disgusting, he is trying to control your mind, knowing you have had abuse and tragedy in your life to deal with. Evil sick twisted fuck.

And I bet your so embarrassed by all this that you wouldn't dare tell anyone, enabling his abusive control over you.

You need to talk to someone in RL and get some counselling. Please go and see your GP.

armagh Sat 23-Mar-13 20:03:52

'Believe it ir not my husband is the nicest man in the world' . I don't think so OP.

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 23-Mar-13 21:57:57

Thank are all doing me the world of good . Yes my husband thinks he does no harm joining these sites or taking someone on hol. Hecinvincesme I am the one with issues. I used to be a string minded women until I married this"gentle" bloke who made out I was too domineering. I think I have tried to be polite in dealing with this and because I don't have any evidence other than he joined the sites he makes me look like some neurotic women and that's how I feel. It is comfort to know how different people would cope with this, I wish he had been on the site in question recently then I would feel strongly ,since it was last year I feel I don't have a leg to stand on,,
Any ideas how to leave him with a big impact, I would love the last laugh to be on him or is that cruel.
Tomorrow he is out so going to print off copies of his profile with as well as doing photo shoots. It doesn't feel real and keeping it to myself this past few days , it feels diluted now as though I haven't a leg to stand on ,, my H IS a really nice kind bloke who does anything for any one but behind my back gets up to all sorts,m I am drained, getting old, tired and feeling worthless. Thank you so much for ALL your imput , it is really helping me deal with this, I thought I was over reacting as that's what he would sat. Thank you for your support smile

onefewernow Sat 23-Mar-13 22:09:49

Jekyll and Hyde are still one person. Do you see what I mean?

Hatpin Sat 23-Mar-13 22:18:24

People who "do anything for anyone" sometimes do it because it makes them look good - its a front, if you like.

Just as your marriage provides a front and makes your H appear to the wider world as a decent family man.

Because who would guess that the genial, friendly guy was actually emotionally abusing his wife by repeatedly cheating and gaslighting?

It covers up what is really going on underneath and distracts others from noticing that actually they are selfish, conniving little sh*ts.

You ask about making an impact and having the last laugh.

Play your cards close to your chest. Make your plan. When everything is sorted, calmly announce it.

He won't know what's hit him.

It's been a long time coming, don't you think?

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 23-Mar-13 22:18:25

Lol my maiden name is Hyde! Yes he has always been secretive and if I saw something he hadn't told me he would be on the defensive making out I am in the wrong!
I think he has got me thinking his way but I seem to get the blame, if we split he will say its my fault and make life as difficult as hell which is why I am scared to poo!!
In the last four years he has had an affair been on match and this other site and they are the things I found out! God knows if there is anything else, and he thinks I am being unreasonable,, 4 years ago I threw him out as I said and he refers it to me throwing him out and how difficult it was, people around him he made them feel sorry for him as though I was being cruel to him!!
He truly doesn't think anything he does is wrong and my up bringing makes me doubt my own judgement,,, how sad am I? Xx

xxdriftwoodxx Sat 23-Mar-13 22:20:11

Thanks Hatpin, I think petty as it may be , that is my plan,,, this worm has turned , thanks to all your support xx

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 22:21:07

Well he's clearly going to keep doing stuff like this until he finds what he's looking for be that an affair or a bit of a shag.
It's not as if he's fallen for someone he knows but is actively seeking someone else.
You cannot ever change someone's behaviour, only your responses to it.
Time to change I think.

onefewernow Sun 24-Mar-13 00:05:49

Defensive and secretive. I deserve a qualification for experience in defensive and secretive men, as I have a 20 year marriage to one under my belt.

He presents to you - mostly- the side of you he wants you to see. He does not want you to see the whole him. How can anyone be truly kind and a secretive lying double crossing cheating manipulator at the same time ? They can't.

He wants you for one set of things - which he takes - and ow for another- which he also takes, by the way.

He will never admit he is wrong. Or it will be your fault. Or theirs. Or his mothers. But not his.

He will say, when push comes to shove, that he always worked and never beat you or some such list. But not admit the shit he does do. Because he is a manipulator and a liar. And he is only interested in meeting his needs really, so why would be be honest??

badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 00:51:10

You keep saying you don't 'have a leg to stand on'.

But you have two fully functioning legs and a mind that's in possession of all the facts you need to leave this relationship.

He has been unfaithful and is still looking to be unfaithful.

He is abusive.

You are unhappy in this relationship.

This is not a happy home in which to raise your sons, or an example of a relationship they will benefit from.

Not one person will think you haven't just cause to end this especially if you tell them the truth, but in any case other people's opinions don't matter. They aren't in this marriage.

Stop making excuses or using imagery that suggests you cannot walk out. You can and you must.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 24-Mar-13 16:20:13

My dad was the "nicest" guy in the world on the outside.

He was the type to loan money to friends, give them lifts 300 miles at the drop of a hat, lend out his lawn mower, paint the neighbours fence, mentor his apprentices till they thought the sun shined out of his ahole....

He was also the type to smash a coffee mug in my face (I'd left a dirty one in the sink), break a record player over my head (I was 8 and crying with insomnia in my bedroom), punch me in the head for belittling him.....oh the list went on.

The divorce that finally happened when I was 21 was the biggest show of shame that could ever happen to him. It was far worse than losing his family, it was all about what other people thought.

I remember meeting one of his apprentices (who had gone to the same school as me) in a nightclub when I was back at my mums from Uni, he started getting aggressive that I hadn't been to see my father, how could I so cruelly cut off such a wonderful man. My tongue was a bit loose on the alcopops and I told him everything. I practically had to shovel his jaw off the floor.

He must have fed back to my dad as the rumors started circulating about how I was a drunken loose party girl with no morals, he'd tried but there was no saving me from the drink and drugs... Yeah right know what, I didn't give two wild shites, I had moved away and I was free.

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 18:03:46

Bloody hell, wally, that is terrible

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 24-Mar-13 18:35:10

Oh he was an absolute charmer AF, or so the world thought. hmm

EggyFucker Sun 24-Mar-13 18:44:01


xxdriftwoodxx Sun 24-Mar-13 21:00:57

Sorry Wally you had such a bad time xx
My H is more the secretive type he daren't show anything so obvious,,
This is such a journey, when I read back he post I feel my situation is not real . He sits next to me now unaware of what I know, he is all, polite and nice,,, he thinks writing posts or joining sites are harmless and that my reaction is unreasonable . It all feels out of control

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 24-Mar-13 21:10:39

Find your inner strength to do something about this. You deserve some happiness if your posts have been anything to go by.

You dc will just want you to be happy.


badinage Sun 24-Mar-13 21:24:52

I think writing about your girlfriend on the internet is pretty obvious, as is going on holiday with her when you've got a wife and family back at home. And joining numerous dating sites, for which you've got screenshots.

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