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Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on

(242 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Fri 22-Mar-13 08:24:37

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 14:38:01

This is emotional abuse.

He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you

Have a read of the WA website

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 14:38:04

"He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women xx "

You sound so worn down by his behaviour. He's crushed your spirit hasn't he? It's almost as though you don't care what happens to you any more.... you don't matter to yourself, let alone him.

Have you considered counselling? I'm no psychologist but when you said that you were calm and controlled and that your feelings shut down completely after the sudden death of your first husband I wonder if you ever really came out of that trauma properly since. I worry that this new man - who appears to be 'the nicest guy in the world' - took advantage of your vulnerability. Don't take this the wrong way but on any level do you feel you somehow deserve this treatment... deserve punishment?

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 14:41:39

There will always be a "reason" to keep you there

Don't exams, son leaving home, xmas coming, somebody I'll, kids getting married

Blah blah blah

Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life ?

Getting older, sadder and more alone (in a relationship) with every passing year

When your boys finally leave home, it will be just you and this deceitful, inadequate man

What a grim prospect

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 22-Mar-13 15:02:28

Crazy making is abuse.

You do not have to put up with his shit.

You only have one life.

something2say Fri 22-Mar-13 15:07:08

The thing is, if you go into a loft wth asbestos in it, you will get sick.

If you go near your husband, you will hear the crap and lies he is spouting, and get upset.

The theories are the same. If you need to leave him, reduce all contact so that you are not exposed to any crap he says. Then his lies won't get to you.

I will write more from home. You sound like a dear lady xxx

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 15:12:41

If it was that people would disbelieve you, the screenshots you've hopefully taken would put that to bed once and for all. But it doesn't matter what others believe in any case. They don't have to live with an abuser.

Neither do you.

Your kids do though, more's the pity.

If you were doing anything for their sake, you'd have left years ago when the abuse started.

something2say Fri 22-Mar-13 15:36:27

I think that the pattern lying to make black white, and hence more palatable, becaise at times we have to make shit palatable in order to swallow it - but in the end this pattern makes us ill.

There comes a time when we have to consult our instincts and learn to listen to them.

Then we have to summon the courage to act on them. Some people, who have not had to make shit palatable, find this easy, and maybe they have lots of support. Others. whose lives have led twisted pathways for whatever reason, find this hard. I think those abused when young can find it hard, as we had to stay in abusive situations because there ewas no way out, so we worked with what we had and lied to ourselves.

In the case of this lovely OP, she now sees that she lies to herself, but inside she knows this is not safe making.

Again, more from home xx

Eggyfucker I think you are again rude and dismissive to a vulenerble person. Not everyone is like you. Can you summon any wisdom and kindness for the new woman at the table of 'learning tyo live by instinct, no matter what it makes us face?' or are you still sick by what you have read too much of, and not able to take responsibility for that and back off until you yourself are healed? I hate it when you pick on poor women. I feel so embarrassed for you. I hope noone is slinking away from reading your words.

cupcake78 Fri 22-Mar-13 15:55:15

He's a 'head worker', he's a 'bully', he's 'a liar', he's a 'sexual controller', he's a 'persuader'...this is just the start!

He is abusive, he seeks out other women to have sex with behind your back. When you try to stop it he makes it seem impossible for you by grinding you down and gaining power and control over you. He pretends to be 'nice' to you so you think he wouldn't possibly do it.

It's not like its a one off accident now is it. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.

You sound like your in shock and that's understandable but it doesn't change the situation!

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 16:03:56

EggyFucker can speak for herself I know and doesn't need me to defend her...IMO she's not said anything rude or dismissive. Her comments are supportive to OP. She's not really the 'making shit palatable' type though. Neither am I...I've been right off eating shit since I saw the light (aided by various MNers, EF included) myself.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 16:11:35

Come on can't dip shit in sugar and expecting it to taste like a Krispy Kreme....LTB!!! You won't regret it.

badinage Fri 22-Mar-13 16:15:04

There's nothing unsupportive about what Eggyfucker's said. It's the truth as she sees it and I agree with her.

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:48:50

Something2say, it is clear you have a problem with me as this is not the first time you have attempted to silence me on someone else's thread

Do you that is helpful to her?

Just ignore my posts, or report them to HQ if you feel they break talk's quite simple and really a more grown up way to manage such a fundamental difference in approach

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:50:16


Bertiebassett Fri 22-Mar-13 17:34:04

OP I went through exactly the same thing just over a year ago. I accidently found evidence that my H had joined one of these sites. I was so shocked that I didn't think to take photos or investigate exactly what he'd been up to (he denies actually meeting up with any women).

Anyway, I was prepared to give him another chance. We went to counselling, lived separately under the same roof, took time away, tried to talk it through. Trouble was he never really thought he'd done anything wrong (the website profile wasn't the only thing...he'd also had an emotional affair). In the end HE gave ME an ultimatum. Forgive and forget....or end our relationship.

I chose the latter. He was furious.

I've spent the last 6 months trying to get him to leave the house. After thousands of pounds spent on mediation and divorce proceedings he's finally going in two weeks time.

My advice OP? Get your evidence together and get him out now. If he's really sorry and wants to be with you for the rest of his life he will be prepared to move out and do anything you want to try and repair things. I wish I'd done this...

Good luck xxx

something2say Fri 22-Mar-13 19:29:30

Eggy fucker, I don't mean to silence you. I just wish you would be kinder to strangers. And it is not what you say either, it is the way you say it.

Not to derail either.....

How is the op?

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 19:38:16

I don't want a row with you, something2say, but I am sure you know I would respond to your frankly rather incomprehensible attempt at assassinating my character.

Stop picking me up. This isn't the first time.

onenutshortofasnickers Fri 22-Mar-13 19:51:20

You will be doing your sons more damage staying and it will be more stress and they will be more likely to struggle- let's face it a bet they already sense something up.

It is abuse. You need to leave.

Or are you happy to be treated like shit for the rest of your life?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 22-Mar-13 23:57:38

I am working the night shift and have read your comments,, it's ok I don't think any are too harsh it's what I need to hear ALL different views I need to hear.
Yes i have taken screen shots which I need if only to imprint in my mind what he did and to remind me when I doubt myself, though I know he will say it was last year and it was a joke or he was drunk or messing.
U can't forget seeing his photo all smiles.
Yes my boys probably hate the situation I am in and wish I would do something about it and yes I probably hide behind their exams which my eldest is coming home to revise for his law finals .
But you are all right in different ways and its why I came on here, I have no one to share this with, which is why I stayed with my H in the first place because I would be alone.
Yes there were things in my childhood likeost of us, my dad and others had affairs and their partners put up with it and the marriage survived as did in those days. I did learn to put up with things as you did in my day and yes I was abused but as a child you don't realise and no secrets to keep but you instinctively know to keep quiet ,
Yes I do feel I deserve what happens to me, maybe I feel an inadequate partner to my husband , maybe I feel I am getting older and less appealing to him now and blame that for his actions, all sorts go through our minds. Yes I am ashamed and yes I am scared to death of being a failure just as I did after my first husband died I was afraid I wouldn't be a good parent for my kids.
I do trust my judgement but I am used to people being blamed for something they never did to as in my childhood, I think that carries on in adulthood.
I needed to know I wasn't wrong to judge my H on this MarriageAffairs site, it's clearly to meet married women for sex only, my H is highly sexed and in need if a buzz. In his life , still wAters run deep with him.
I guess I am scared witless of the situation I am in and yes I probably have never dealt with anything this massive or my way is to let it carry on rather than face it head on!
Please bombard me with all your advice, I need a reality check!
Last thing , he will argue he hasn't been on the affair site since Aug, but I only found out he was on it yesterday??

badinage Sat 23-Mar-13 00:14:48

Look, the infidelity is the least of this. He's an abuser. He gaslights you. He tries to make you feel as though you're losing your mind and imagining things. Affairs and infidelity are standard fare in abusive men and the only positive thing about this is that whereas abuse survivors appear to be able to deny what's happening to them while the man is faithful, a discovery sometimes has the positive effect of stripping away the denial and making a woman face facts. Unfortunately, that didn't happen for you after his first affair but let's hope this has finally driven the point home to you that this man needs binning once and for all.

You are much stronger than you think. You've had a horrendous set of cards dealt to you in life so far, but after losing your first husband you evidently kept your family together and managed to raise two children despite your own loss and bereavement. Your husband's behaviour is not your failing. It is all his to own. Nothing you've done has caused it and you sure as hell can't cure it.

You need to get your children away from the abuse. It's damaging to them, particularly the one who's still at home full-time. They need a place of calm as they revise for important exams and your focus needs to be on them and not your miserable excuse for a husband.

Give Women's Aid a ring and discuss your situation with them. Plus read a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. You'll soon realise that your situation and the abuse you're facing is not unique and it's not personal. He would treat any woman this way.

DIddled Sat 23-Mar-13 00:22:21

Having been the recipient of advice from eggy - under a different name (me) I know her advice is superb,from the heart and always 100% right, however unpalatable!!!!

tightfortime Sat 23-Mar-13 00:28:46

Dates don't matter. He has form sweetheart.

As others have said, there will always be some reason to stay and keep quiet. I think you need to scream; at him and then at a counsellor.

You can do this. Stop the gas lighting he clearly part-takes in and see him for what he really is. It might take time and be good to yourself but you cannot live wondering...

WitchOfEndor Sat 23-Mar-13 09:51:44

It doesn't really matter if he can excuse away everything that he has done. Just ask yourself 'am I happy?', if you aren't then that's all you need to know. This isn't about him coming up with glib reasons why he did something, or why it doesn't really matter because of x, y or z. It's about whether YOU are happy. He could be better than Bill Clinton at squirming out of things but if you aren't happy then that is what should matter to you.

Doha Sat 23-Mar-13 11:53:59

And if he has met up with someone from this site he may have put your health at risk. Please get yourself an STI check.sad

Trazzletoes Sat 23-Mar-13 12:19:04

Does it really matter whether it was last year or last month?

What possible reason could he have for creating a profile other than to meet women for sex? Whether he actually did or not is immaterial. His behaviour is not the behaviour of a man who is fully committed to his marriage.

And then there's the emotional abuse.

I know it's tough to think about this with your sons' exams coming up. But you've mentioned there's a possibility that they aren't happy with this relationship either. Is there a potential that dealing with this now might actually help them over the next few months?

Hatpin Sat 23-Mar-13 14:47:55

To be honest I wouldn't bother with another confrontation, as it only gives him the opportunity to try and bluff his way out of it and leaves your head in a spin.

It's quite clear he's been actively looking for and probably sleeping with other women for the last several years at least.

You know that deep down, so now its time to think about what you want for your own future and start making plans for it.

I could understand in your position maybe waiting til the Summer and your younger DS has taken his exams.

If you start making plans now, you could get yourself sorted with somewhere to live, solicitor lined up ready to serve divorce papers, and just present it to him when you are ready.

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