Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

(60 Posts)
ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 07:51:55

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:37:00

No way.

I wouldn't even meet up for lunch - why give him false hope and put yourself in a situation of having to turn him down down the line?

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 13:41:08

Thank you yo change back to my real nickname now grin .

Targetpractice Fri 22-Mar-13 11:51:40

Well done, OP.
At our age a new relationship should not mean a learning experience, partners should be able to offer mutual support, care, understanding.
It also works better if finances are just about equal, too. Xx

Blu Fri 22-Mar-13 11:09:31

Well done. Now block his e mails and any other communication you have with him.

juneau Fri 22-Mar-13 10:39:25

Well done Carol. Much better to get a few unbiased strangers to give their tuppence-worth and help you make up your mind.

I was going to say what everyone else has said. Also - he hasn't worked for 20 years and his wife only died six years ago. I would maybe understand if he hadn't worked for the past six years, but he was unemployed for 14 years BEFORE she fell ill and died. Why, for heaven's sake? Not that it matters - someone with that amount of baggage would have me running for the hills.

pictish Fri 22-Mar-13 10:35:01

No I wouldn't. He'd have nothing of substance to offer me. A relationship would be his gain and my burden. So no.

crazycrush Fri 22-Mar-13 10:32:19

Yes, we'll done! And now girly lunch and onto new things :-)

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 10:29:16

Well done Carol! Now to arrange that girly lunch. Take care. x

GetOeuf Fri 22-Mar-13 10:28:39

What others have said.

I really couldn't be bothered with it to be honest. One of those things (lack of driving, no job for years, wayward kids) would be a possibility but not all three.

Sounds like he needs and wants looking after. You have got to wonder why he is telling you all of this anyway. Does he like a good sob story or is endlessly searching for sympathy. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:27:31

Have cancelled it....feel better but will talk it all over with my counsellor (past history of sexual abuse so find all this difficult). The deed is done though....too many red are all correct.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 10:27:20

Traz I wrote that comment before I'd seen the draft email so yeah..take your point...but the email has a ring of 'the odds are stacked against us...let's fall in love' about it to me. If you want to do that OP then go for it...but just be prepared for lots of problems and not much cash coming your way!

elastamum Fri 22-Mar-13 10:24:12

I also wouldnt meet him. There are loads of red flags in everything he has told you, it wont go anywhere unless you are prepared to spend hours driving around for him. He will put emotional pressure on you. Why bother?

Take the money you would have spent on travel and lunch and go out with a girlfriend smile

DixieD Fri 22-Mar-13 10:23:20

No chance. The no job, no money, no car wouldn't bother me half as much as the chaotic home life. I would not want to be exposing myself or my family to another family of violent, druggie ex cons.
I wouldn't even pursue a friendship tbh, sounds like they may be very draining.

PureQuintessence Fri 22-Mar-13 10:19:51

No no no.

Just cancel and move on.

If he is in his fifites, he has not work since in his thirties. You say his wife died 6 years ago. He cant drive. He has not been able to raise his children well. Drugs and assault! shock

You would be mad to meet him.

Does he know where you live?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 10:17:58

Trazzles I completely agree.

Trazzletoes Fri 22-Mar-13 10:17:11

Loving she's telling him in advance! It's up to him whether he then wants to travel for lunch.

I am also firmly on the side of giving him a wide berth.

I know people are saying his problems could happen to anyone but I would find it hard to enter a relationship with a man who has been out of work for 20 years. Ok so his children have needed extra attention for the past 6 years - I get that and don't begrudge them anything, of course. But IMO 20 years is a long time not to have an employment routine etc. I can be a bit of a cow so I'm sure someone can explain to me why I'm being unfair - and that's fine. I'm not saying I'm right. But it would be an issue for me.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:15:09

Nope I won't do are right. The "I just can't so this right now so lets knock lunch on the head" email is better.

Sorry f I am being exasperating, this is all alien to me. God it's just so much easier being single than trying to negotiate all this. Feel bad as he was so pleased we'd arranged lunch but are all right.

akaemmafrost Fri 22-Mar-13 10:12:35

No I wouldn't.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 10:11:04

Nope - no mention of magic wands. Suggests that if only boring practicality could be swept aside you would be rushing into his arms.

Do you really want to have lunch with him? Wouldn't it be easier to just say 'look I'm really not looking for a relationship right now, so let's knock this on the head'.
You are very likely to get the 'but I've spent £X on travel and lunch and now you're blowing me off' type response.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 10:06:26

So you're going to drag this poor fellow 50 miles out of his way by public transport to tell him you're not interested? Yeah right....If you're not interested in something more with him you might as well save him his bus fare.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:05:51

Okay folks, trying to compose an the below okay...not too horrible is it?

Hi X

Wish I had a magic wand which would make things easier for both of us. Still if nothing else we can have lunch and a good chat.

I am going to be honest though and say that a relationship is going to be out of the question for me right now.....possibly for a good long while. That's just how things are for me and there are definitely reasons why I need to stay single...all my issues and family stuff.

Also I feel we are a good distance apart and although you are willing to travel it's going to be difficult for you financially. I appreciate and understand that ...hopefully there will be someone nearer to you in the future. I am tied to here though and you are still needed by your girls. It's great that you are there for them...I know how supportive my Dad has been over the years.

Is that okay? Do you still feel happy to meet up for lunch? I honestly won't mind if you don't to in the knowledge it can't go anywhere.


What do you think? He wants to meet for lunch and I am happy to do that as a friend.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 09:44:19

No he wanted to meet before but I didn't. Yes I will be honest with him about my intentions just to meet for lunch and nothing more. End of....he wanted to travel all the way here but it's too much.

As I have promised to meet him for lunch then I will do that but ensure he knows up front that I can't do anything more than friendship.

Blu Fri 22-Mar-13 09:44:11

Anyone can say anything in e mails. I would be extremely suspicious of so many sob story explanations for his current lifestyle. MN is full of women who have experienced terrible hardship and tragedy and are not languishing like this. It's not the lack of material wealth that would bother me but the story that you have no means of verifying.

It's possible that he has identified you as sympathetic and understanding, and is using you. You have had an instinctive reaction about this meet up, and I would say you instincts are serving you well.

What do you have to gain from a connection with someone who lives so far away?

Look very carefully for signs that he has flattered you by telling you 'all', made you feel special and close by doing that, stirred up the 'wobble' etc.

Bitofadviceplease Fri 22-Mar-13 09:40:37

Why even waste time meeting him for lunch if you e already planned out that your telling him there's no connection?

Bit of a waste travelling 50 miles to meet half way, to probably for for both your lunches. Time & money wastage, I wouldn't bother. Plus not very fair on him making his way 50 miles to meet you if you've no intention of even taking the relationship further. Unless your totally honest upfront & just tell him you only want to be friends

I'd agree with what someone else said though, why has he only now got back in touch? Probably been ditched by someone else. Be wary'

mmmuffins Fri 22-Mar-13 09:33:43

Involvement in this man's life sounds like it would bring quite a lot of drama. I don't know why you would invite this, especially if you have children.

And now you've mentioned he lives 100 miles away - so if he has no car and little money...can we guess who would end up doing all the travelling?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now