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Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

(84 Posts)
ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 07:51:55

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

RiseToday Tue 22-Aug-17 17:09:00


hatsoncats Tue 22-Aug-17 15:42:21


NotAnotheChinHair Tue 22-Aug-17 15:39:51

This thread was started in 2013!!

PollyPelargonium52 Tue 22-Aug-17 13:57:40

Why don't you meet up just as friends in case there is any spark.

I wouldn't bother myself but he may make a nice platonic friend you never know.

ToEarlyForDecorations Tue 22-Aug-17 13:50:38

If his relationship ended through any other reason would you still be interested ?

Divorced/single Dad in his fifties, doesn't drive, unemployed for 20 years, with adult kids who have done jail time and still live at home with him.

Still sound like a catch ? Funny how loser springs to mind once the sympathy drops out.

HerOtherHalf Tue 22-Aug-17 13:42:17

I think it's clear you are a very nice person and I think that is a large part of the problem. I see a lot in your posts about him, what he's been through, the problems he's had and has etc. I see almost nothing about why you think you might like to be in any kind of relationship with him. Would I be too far off the mark to suggest that you were being drawn in out of sympathy rather than attraction?

Good that you've decided to knock it on the head, that seems the blatantly correct choice to me, but perhaps reflect on why you were being drawn in.

viques Tue 22-Aug-17 13:41:47

Oh flip. A zombie . I would love to know what happened. how did a man in his fifties have a small pension from a job he did twenty plus years ago, are the grandchildren still in care, did Carol relent and give him the money that was clearly going to be asked for, did they meet and despite all misgivings fall in love and live happily ever after, or did Carol succumb to an illness that he nursed her through until the bitter, but very quick , end. So many questions.

AlmostAJillSandwich Tue 22-Aug-17 13:35:59

Fragglewump what a HORRIBLE thing to say that he hardly nursed his wife! My mum was diagnosed tetminal out of the blue and died 2 months later. What my dad did for her caring wise was massive. He had to physically feed her, wash her, help her use the toilet, it took half an hour to get her up or down the stairs. She had 2 cancerous brain tumours and further tumours in several organs and also her hip and spine. She went downhill from a bit of joint pain and migraines to needing full on care in barely over a week. He had to mash up her tablets as she lost the ability to swallow them. A short illness with rapid deterioration needs intensive caring, it doesnt give the sufferer or the carer time to adapt. I was 20 when all this happened and she died, so i can sympathise with their kids, but its not an excuse for crime etc.

NotAnotheChinHair Tue 22-Aug-17 13:26:23

Not a chance in hell

FrogsSitonLogs Tue 22-Aug-17 13:20:32

4 years old, forgot what year we are in.

FrogsSitonLogs Tue 22-Aug-17 13:20:02


It's 3 years old.

christmaswreaths Tue 22-Aug-17 13:18:45

I am.sorry but I know more than one widower who raised well adjusted, sensible young adults whilst working full time.

My gut instinct is that there is a lot more to this story and I woukd steer well clear.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 22-Aug-17 13:02:44

Just a quickie (haven't RTFT) but you didn't meet him on Facebook, did you?

The 'widower with kids' thing keep popping up wanting to be my friend, and they are, almost without exception, huge scammers.

I'll go now.

Whataboutmeee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:46:54

Yes wonder if he's got a job yet.

stevie69 Tue 22-Aug-17 09:44:07

It wouldn't work for me but, in the words of the words that stare at me from my notice board ......... I am not you

Go with your feelings, OP and good luck.

golfin Tue 22-Aug-17 09:34:29

I spent 20 minutes wondering if this guy had any teeth, thread's so old he's probably dead by now.

MaybeDoctor Tue 22-Aug-17 09:33:31

I think it is generally a good idea to pay close attention to what someone tells you about their life. People can make huge turnarounds, but it is rare - that's why they get movies made about them!

Whataboutmeee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:26:21


Jayfee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:21:18

You have done the right thing. You sound like a kind person and that makes you vulnerable.

ChickenBhuna Tue 22-Aug-17 09:17:13

Just seen your update. Good call op.

ChickenBhuna Tue 22-Aug-17 09:16:18

I agree with cognito and loving freedom.

This man is no he is , so unless you wish to feel compelled to solve his problems on a daily basis , thus giving you another DC to care for then I'd stay away.

I used to be a 'rescuer' , it was bloody exhausting!

Ttbb Tue 22-Aug-17 09:12:22

There must be a reason why he is long term unemployed and or can't be a good one.

Slimthistime Tue 22-Aug-17 09:11:42

Good grief woman

sandyann Tue 22-Aug-17 09:09:40

Interesting to read. And a difficult one. I have had a similar situation. The guy in my lifes situation isn't quite as difficult, but the guy is a known quantity in that I know him from my youth. I have been to lunch with his parents a few times.

I have let a friendship develop. Very hard as obviously there are times when one would appreciate a bit more, but over time, various aspects of his life have been revealed and I will be honest a couple of things have shocked me. I am glad I have kept it as friends. Even though I had lunch with his parents, he admitted he had been involved in illegal actions during the time of our friendship. It took 2 years for him to own up. So beware.

My advice, if you want to get to know him and would appreciate the companionship, meet in a mutually convenient place and keep up your boundaries. Agree with some of the other comments ie does he have satisfactory answers? You don't want to put yourself or your family at risk. Go with your gut feeling.

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:37:00

No way.

I wouldn't even meet up for lunch - why give him false hope and put yourself in a situation of having to turn him down down the line?

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