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Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

(84 Posts)
ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 07:51:55

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:27:31

Have cancelled it....feel better but will talk it all over with my counsellor (past history of sexual abuse so find all this difficult). The deed is done though....too many red are all correct.

GetOeuf Fri 22-Mar-13 10:28:39

What others have said.

I really couldn't be bothered with it to be honest. One of those things (lack of driving, no job for years, wayward kids) would be a possibility but not all three.

Sounds like he needs and wants looking after. You have got to wonder why he is telling you all of this anyway. Does he like a good sob story or is endlessly searching for sympathy. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 10:29:16

Well done Carol! Now to arrange that girly lunch. Take care. x

crazycrush Fri 22-Mar-13 10:32:19

Yes, we'll done! And now girly lunch and onto new things :-)

pictish Fri 22-Mar-13 10:35:01

No I wouldn't. He'd have nothing of substance to offer me. A relationship would be his gain and my burden. So no.

juneau Fri 22-Mar-13 10:39:25

Well done Carol. Much better to get a few unbiased strangers to give their tuppence-worth and help you make up your mind.

I was going to say what everyone else has said. Also - he hasn't worked for 20 years and his wife only died six years ago. I would maybe understand if he hadn't worked for the past six years, but he was unemployed for 14 years BEFORE she fell ill and died. Why, for heaven's sake? Not that it matters - someone with that amount of baggage would have me running for the hills.

Blu Fri 22-Mar-13 11:09:31

Well done. Now block his e mails and any other communication you have with him.

Targetpractice Fri 22-Mar-13 11:51:40

Well done, OP.
At our age a new relationship should not mean a learning experience, partners should be able to offer mutual support, care, understanding.
It also works better if finances are just about equal, too. Xx

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 13:41:08

Thank you yo change back to my real nickname now grin .

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:37:00

No way.

I wouldn't even meet up for lunch - why give him false hope and put yourself in a situation of having to turn him down down the line?

sandyann Tue 22-Aug-17 09:09:40

Interesting to read. And a difficult one. I have had a similar situation. The guy in my lifes situation isn't quite as difficult, but the guy is a known quantity in that I know him from my youth. I have been to lunch with his parents a few times.

I have let a friendship develop. Very hard as obviously there are times when one would appreciate a bit more, but over time, various aspects of his life have been revealed and I will be honest a couple of things have shocked me. I am glad I have kept it as friends. Even though I had lunch with his parents, he admitted he had been involved in illegal actions during the time of our friendship. It took 2 years for him to own up. So beware.

My advice, if you want to get to know him and would appreciate the companionship, meet in a mutually convenient place and keep up your boundaries. Agree with some of the other comments ie does he have satisfactory answers? You don't want to put yourself or your family at risk. Go with your gut feeling.

Slimthistime Tue 22-Aug-17 09:11:42

Good grief woman

Ttbb Tue 22-Aug-17 09:12:22

There must be a reason why he is long term unemployed and or can't be a good one.

ChickenBhuna Tue 22-Aug-17 09:16:18

I agree with cognito and loving freedom.

This man is no he is , so unless you wish to feel compelled to solve his problems on a daily basis , thus giving you another DC to care for then I'd stay away.

I used to be a 'rescuer' , it was bloody exhausting!

ChickenBhuna Tue 22-Aug-17 09:17:13

Just seen your update. Good call op.

Jayfee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:21:18

You have done the right thing. You sound like a kind person and that makes you vulnerable.

Whataboutmeee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:26:21


MaybeDoctor Tue 22-Aug-17 09:33:31

I think it is generally a good idea to pay close attention to what someone tells you about their life. People can make huge turnarounds, but it is rare - that's why they get movies made about them!

golfin Tue 22-Aug-17 09:34:29

I spent 20 minutes wondering if this guy had any teeth, thread's so old he's probably dead by now.

stevie69 Tue 22-Aug-17 09:44:07

It wouldn't work for me but, in the words of the words that stare at me from my notice board ......... I am not you

Go with your feelings, OP and good luck.

Whataboutmeee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:46:54

Yes wonder if he's got a job yet.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 22-Aug-17 13:02:44

Just a quickie (haven't RTFT) but you didn't meet him on Facebook, did you?

The 'widower with kids' thing keep popping up wanting to be my friend, and they are, almost without exception, huge scammers.

I'll go now.

christmaswreaths Tue 22-Aug-17 13:18:45

I am.sorry but I know more than one widower who raised well adjusted, sensible young adults whilst working full time.

My gut instinct is that there is a lot more to this story and I woukd steer well clear.

FrogsSitonLogs Tue 22-Aug-17 13:20:02


It's 3 years old.

FrogsSitonLogs Tue 22-Aug-17 13:20:32

4 years old, forgot what year we are in.

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