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Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

(84 Posts)
ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 07:51:55

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 08:00:03

That much baggage would definitely put me off. It's not about being above material stuff it's about being realistic and practical. He can't help having kids with prison records or a dead wife I suppose but no job, no money and no driving licence? That's not much to show for 50+ years on the planet.

The very small thing that would really get the alarm bells ringing is that he's already bent your ear about caring for his wife, the awful illness etc. Yes, he's obviously very caring etc. but men who go on about exes (dead or otherwise) are very boring.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 08:02:25

Should .... him as a friend, fine. We all need friends. Him as a boyfriend, tread carefully.

Wossname Fri 22-Mar-13 08:02:38

I would steer clear.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Fri 22-Mar-13 08:05:43

There's no chance I would date him.

Dahlen Fri 22-Mar-13 08:08:05

I wouldn't. Helping a long-term partner through unemployment/money problems is one thing. No one should think less of someone they know and care for because they are down on their luck. But starting a relationship with someone who has such obvious problems is asking for trouble, not least you don't have the bond built up in the good times to sustain you through the difficult times.

Startail Fri 22-Mar-13 08:10:13


catballou Fri 22-Mar-13 08:12:55

I would have a few concerns...if he has been out of work twenty years the odds of him seeking employment with any determination are slim. That's long time to be out of work. I would also be a bit alarmed at the fact his older children have prison sentences for various matters...what matters are these?

You say yourself you are happy enough and were not looking for any relationship. Yet at the same time I'm sure some male attention from a guy who appears to be gentle and nice is quite an attractive thing.

It would be nice perhaps to have someone to go the movies with or to have a meal with occasionally (but sounds like you'd have to pay). I think though part of you suspects it's not a great long term prospect. The fact that you have doubts is your inner voice speaking to you -so pay heed to it. I would advise a friendship with this man perhaps-but don't get his hopes up as to something more, not until you know his situation a lot better and then can make a better decision.

catballou Fri 22-Mar-13 08:17:15

I also think it's easy for women to feel pity for a man who is sweet and has had hard luck...but don't let pity and your maternal nurturing feelings get confused with romantic ones. Keep a clear head here smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 22-Mar-13 08:18:07

I would be be someone who didn't have cash, or a car. I don't like people who go for the cash or the car. It's grabby and it's tacky. Job - depends on circs. Someone who's never worked and didn't want to - no. Someone who had fallen on hard times - yes. Someone who hadn't worked because they were nursing a dying spouse and then raising children - nothing but admiration from me!

But to be very honest - the teens & 20s living at home and in and out of prison would make it a huge no from me. That sounds like big trouble.

However, I would be his friend. Get to know him, get to know them and perhaps reassess at a later date.

rhondajean Fri 22-Mar-13 08:18:11

No chance. Not in a million years. Never ever ever.

weegiemum Fri 22-Mar-13 08:18:39

I can't drive - I've got a neuro problem that means I'm unsafe to do emergency stops, so am "medically unfit".

I don't have a ft job, I work PT for a charity who can fit it round my hospital appointments.

So I have good reasons for this situation (also have 3 dc, 2 still at primary school, and dh who works long hours, so my working situation suits us).

I'd kind of try to weasel out of him why this is his situation. No good answers = no relationship!

Branleuse Fri 22-Mar-13 08:18:50

I might for a boyfriend but I wouldn't live together

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 08:21:58

Maternal instinct is right I tbink.

So its okay after the lunch just to say "look tbe chemistry just wasn't thrte for me, am happy to be friends but nothing more"?

Can you tell I am inexperienced in these matterz?grin

catballou Fri 22-Mar-13 08:29:10

You're only human! As fellow single parent who has recently met a lovely guy I know all to well how nice it is to be once again feeling the warm balm of someone's loving attention ....but there are other man out there and the right one will come at the right time ....x goodluck

AgentProvocateur Fri 22-Mar-13 08:37:30

Never in a million years.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 08:44:03

I agree he has had more than enough reasons for not being available for fact he does a small job but he says it doesn't bring in's just delivering stuff by hand.
Money really is no huge issue for me as I am not rich and have no desire to be so....well okay maybe just a tiny bit grin.

The driving thing puzzles me most tbh...he says his wife just did all the driving and was happy to do so. I think her illness and death was a massive shock to them all as it was a short illness.....diagnosed one month and she died the next month. As quick as that....I can understand why the children have struggled sad.

He is also a fair distance away from me so it might be a non starter anyway. We share a common interest though (music) and have had loads of chats about that so on that score I know we will get on.

His children...the ones who have been in prison....take your pick....drugs, assault on a police officer, babies at a young age...three of his grandchildren are in care because their Mum is unable to look after them...she is only 21 now sad

Fragglewump Fri 22-Mar-13 08:45:18

From a selfish point of view I would see someone who couldn't drive etc as another child who needed ferrying around and with four of those my partner needs wheels so he can drop some in one direction while I screech off with tyres flaming like the demented woman I am drop others off in the opposite direction. Also I like my partner to sometimes drive me home from dinner when I'm hammered I've had a ladylike glass of rose! Xx

Fragglewump Fri 22-Mar-13 08:47:34

Omg have just read your update. So his 'I nursed her till she died' story sounds a bit crap if it was a short illness! I would also worry if so many of his children area king such crap choices about what kind of a man he is!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 08:49:11

Fragglewump gets this week's Miss Marple Award for Spotting Factual Inaccuracies in a Sob Story.... smile

willyoulistentome Fri 22-Mar-13 08:50:57

Nooooo - not the guys you describe. I feel sorry for him, but he sounds hopeless!

If I was 17 and the guy was still a teen, with no money car etc - fine!!

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 08:50:58

Not a cat in hell's chance

WishIdbeenatigermum Fri 22-Mar-13 08:51:09

It's not the no money no job no car- anyone could be in that situation.
It's the mindset that he's lived like this for so long.
Ditto the no car is very different from no license.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 08:52:25

Why do so many women go out with or stay with men to 'give them a chance'....about time we gave ourselves a chance and went out with guys because they gave us something. It's not all money or cars etc....seriously...what does this guy have to offer you? How does being with him improve our enhance your life...If your life is better with rather than without him then there is your answer. If it's a case of 'he deserves a chance' then you're not valuing yourself very highly.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Mar-13 08:55:39

Hear hear Lovingfreedom. Too many sparrows with a broken wing types out there looking for rescuers. I'll be honest, I used to find them appealing myself but, the older I get, the more I think 'sort your own problems out, I've got enough of my own!'.

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