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The evening didn't end well...

(65 Posts)
Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 03:03:18

'D' H went to a colleague's leaving do after work, with my blessing. I'm currently on ML with DS and coincidentally DD was also at home with me today after our CM fell ill.

I went to bed at 10pm having fed DS who's still in our room. No idea what time H got home but DS woke at 1.30 for a feed. Whilst I fed DS, H got out of bed and pissed against the wall of the bedroom.

At first I just gently called out to hime to go to the bathroom, he said "I am in the bathroom". I told him he was weeing up against the radiator and he said "no I'm not." etc.

I couldn't get out of bed to move him into the bathroom as DS was still attached to me, and anyway H had finished marking his territory at this point and got back into bed. He'd left his shirt on the floor so I used that to soak up the wee.

I couldn't get back to sleep and ended up shouting at him to wake up, then moving the bedclothes to get a response. Finally he woke up and I really let rip at him. I even shoved the wee-soaked shirt in his face. Finally he responded by punching my arm. He reckons that of course he didn't piss up against our bedroom wall, that he's not drunk and why am I allowed to shove urine-soaked clothes in his face while he has to lie there and take it. Then he got back into bed.

I then moved DS into the spare bedroom with me. H followed me. I grabbed one of the phone extensions and dialled two nines and told him I would dial a third if he came near me. He kept telling me not to be so ridiculous, that of course he didn't piss in our bedroom and how come I'm the one allowed to wake him up by shoving a wet shirt in his face. I told him he'd really pissed his chips - literally.

Bit of background... In January, during a particularly heated argument, he punched me so hard in the arm it left a massive deep bruise for weeks. He also kicked me on the arse whilst I was holding DS. I told him that was his final warning and that I wouldn't tolerate DV.

Don't know why I'm posting really. I've read so much MN that the next step is obvious. He's off to a client meeting later this morning (flying, not driving). I intend to make sure he arrives home to a packed bag of essentials and a note telling him I don't want anything to do with him except through a solicitor.

I know it sounds like a massive overreaction on my part but I can't risk an escalation in violence with the DCs.

Thanks for reading my rant...

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 11:07:49

The violent incidents described sound like lashing out in anger rather than control not that this makes it acceptable

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 11:11:26

"Lashing out in anger" is also about control.
I bet he can control his anger at work, or facing a stronger opponent.

raisah Fri 22-Mar-13 11:15:33

It would be wise to change the locks and have somebody with you when he comes home. I think you were chancing it by physically tackling your drunk p, he could have done a lot more damage. Someone that drunk has no sense of boundary or appropriate behaviour. You need to leave otherwise your kids will grow up with a skewed sense of acceptable behaviour.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 11:34:58

Soup ironically after the January incident, I suggested anger management/couples counselling. That was met with a "don't be ridiculous!"

I won't be leaving. He will. Bag is packed & waiting. I won't be changing the locks as I understand I might be on shaky ground legally. However, I do have a friend on standby in case anything occurs on his return.

To the poster who said this is not a healthy environment for children - you're spot on. I know deep down we can't go on like this. I know I probably sound really together at the moment but actually I'm only just holding it together in front of the DCs. This man was my absolute world and I'm having trouble thinking about him as 'an abuser', which is of course what he is.

Sorry, rambling now. Will update when I can. Thanks so much all of you for your support x

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 12:29:25

Lueji yes he can control his anger at work. He's really well-regarded, been consistently promoted over the years, earns really good money, etc.

I think he's got so used to just 'dumping' any work stress on me, particularly over this last year when things have been so tough at work, that he didn't know how to cope or vent when DS came along and I suddenly became 'Mummy' again rather than 'Wife', with DS as my absolute priority. Not that I accept that as an excuse for violence of course.

colditz Fri 22-Mar-13 12:31:03

It is so not an over reaction, it is the right thing to do. Violent little prick.

colditz Fri 22-Mar-13 12:33:33

You have packed his bags. Right? I mean, you're not going to start feeling sorry for him what he cries, are you? Because he will cry when he realises he's not getting his own way.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 12:34:22

I won't be changing the locks as I understand I might be on shaky ground legally.

Yes, but he'd have to go to court to regain access.
In the meantime, you report him, get a solicitor and ask for a no access order (or whatever it's called). I think there are emergency measures that can be put in place.
WA can advise you better, as well as, obviously, the police and a solicitor.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 13:05:30

Colditz violent little prick just made me laugh. Thank you.

No I won't feel sorry for him when he cries. I should have made him leave in January but like a fool went for the 'easy option' in allowing him to win me round. Obviously the easy option involves me throwing him out and all the extra stuff that involves (solicitors and so on).

I can ensure he can't access the house without changing the locks for today - got enough to do without locksmiths as well, but it's on my list for this weekend.

His bag is packed but out of sight of DD, who at 3.5 is able to question things.

Let him cry if he wants. I have far too much self respect (and sense of self-preservation - for me AND the DCs) to let it move me. In fact, whining and crying is more likely to get a tougher response from me.

TheOrchardKeeper Fri 22-Mar-13 13:12:43

Glad to hear you sounding so strong here' grin

I'm sorry he turned out to be a disappointment but you've already got DCs, you don't need an adult sized one!

The fact he can control it at work would totally solidify my view that he's just a twunt of the highest order!!

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 13:23:20

Maybe we can get a two for one offer on lock changing wink

So sorry to hear you sre going through this shit too

tightfortime Fri 22-Mar-13 13:24:58

Well done and best of luck. You're well rid.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 22-Mar-13 13:28:46

Sorry posted too soon.

Definitely not an over reaction on your part, I would phone the police and report the incident, as was pointed out to me, even if he is cautioned, that proof will enable you to apply for legal aid if needed.

Good luck ((((((((hugs))))) for you and dc's.

Xales Fri 22-Mar-13 13:31:09

There is no excuse for violence and if you are going to leave him due to that good for you.

There is no excuse for rubbing urine soaked clothes into someone's face. That is repulsive and aggressive.

You started the aggression last night.

If you are both acting in this manner you are definitely better off seperated.

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Mar-13 13:33:22

Stay strong.
My Ex always used being drunk as an excuse for his violence. During a 2 hour assault he managed to open the door to a concerned neighbour and reassure her that everything was just fine and the noise must be from somewhere else.
No excuses, no third chances - you deserve so much better than this.

Peka Fri 22-Mar-13 13:42:25

He PISSED IN YOUR BEDROOM!!?? I am amazed by the reactions on this thread... Is that normal behaviour? What is the world coming to? I'd have chucked him out and changed the locks just for that IMMEDIATELY! That is totally rank and disgusting why is no one commenting on that? It's so out of order I don't even know where to start I'd feel utterly degraded just sharing air space in a room with someone who did that and don't think your reaction was out of proportion at all tbh... what were you supposed to do, just lie quietly in bed next to him? And being drunk isn't an excuse it really isn't especially for a fully grown man, he's not a fucking student who has never tasted alcohol before... He's a father and husband. Jeez! I totally disagree with those who said you were being abusive to him anyone would lose their rag in that situation. It's the kind of thing that a mother would weep to imagine her tiny child would have to endure in their life...

McBalls Fri 22-Mar-13 14:00:57

'He PISSED IN YOUR BEDROOM!!?? I am amazed by the reactions on this thread...'
'That is totally rank and disgusting why is no one commenting on that? '

Probably because everyone is more concerned about Herecomesbod being punched. Nothing strange about that.

FarBetterNow Fri 22-Mar-13 14:13:43

After the January violence, he should have become tee total to considerably lessen the chances of himself becoming violent again.

He really didn't try very hard for very long.

Peka Fri 22-Mar-13 14:15:38

But some of these comments are suggesting the OP started the events that happened to her when clearly she was just in bed Breastfeeding her child and minding her own business... I was just pointing out that the violation started much before the punch ffs!

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:23:28

Be strong, hope today will mark a new beginning for you and your DC.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 15:43:41

Peka exactly.

McBalls well quite.

Xales I think I stated somewhere upthread that it wouldn't have provoked such an extreme reaction in me had it just been me in the room. H's actions were akin to that of say, a sleepwalker. But just imagine, as I did last night, if he'd walked over to DS's Moses basket and emptied his bladder onto his sleeping son. Now can you see where I'm coming from? It's the lack of control, of any kind of regard for anyone else that really got me.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 15:52:00

Being have found your thread. So sorry you're going through this shit too. flowers

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 16:24:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 16:29:52

A pissed man who had just pissed in the bedroom?


Even so, he had been violent before and it was a nasty punch.

Herecomesbod Fri 22-Mar-13 16:54:53

KeepCool so it's ok for him to punch me then? Back you go to Apologists Anonymous there's a dear.

Haven't got the energy to repeat the phrase "As I think I stated upthread..."

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