Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Twunt scored a full house and won himself a ride in a police car

(174 Posts)
BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 21-Mar-13 22:34:03

I have name changed, not ready to deal with rl yet.

After shits loads of ea, sulking, rages, controlling behaviour, blaming the whole world for his actions etc, etc, etc, tonight poor hard done by twunt was bathing dd (I had engineered this as I am sick of him being a useless twat), he started shouting at her, I went up to see to her and he kicked off.

Screaming at me to fuck off, pushing me about, all in a tiny bathroom being witnessed by hysterical dd, he wouldn't let me go to dd to calm her down, just carried on screaming and pushing me out of bathroom and towards the top of the stairs, I really thought he was going to shove me down the stairs.

I managed to get back in the bathroom, he ripped stairgate down i guess to make it easier to get me down the stairs, he came back in shoving and screaming, so I said fine let me go and I will fuck off, he let go I tried to get out of the bathroom but where he was blocking me from gettingnto the bath, when I opened the bathroom door it hit his head.

He went apeshit, tried to push me down the stairs again, I managed to get past him and downstairs to phone police. 3 lovely officers were here in no time and have taken him in for questioning.

They said that from what he has said in custody they will probably let him go with a caution, and will come back when he returns for his van to prevent a breach of the peace.

I don't have anyone left in rl close enough to turn to, as being a by the book style twunt he has made sure I have been distanced from friends.

Dd is only 3, but all she kept asking was "is daddy going away in the police car, I'll miss daddy" what do you say to that? sad

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 21:43:35

Any idea of the savings limit regarding an application for legal aid, just thinking I might get access to a solicitor quicker if I paid for it.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 21:55:26

Had to go shopping, gave up smoking 5 weeks ago using e cigs, both batteries died last night, perfect timing eh? Also Dd needed a Thomas ride grin

Have been getting loads of notification messages on tablet, looks like twunt has changed email and facebook passwords, something to hide there twunt? hmm

Bottled telling Dd1 and the Aunt today. Dd was working a mammoth shift plus loads of uni coursework, felt she didn't need any more poo today. Will text the Aunt tomorrow, I know she'll want us to go and stay but I worry Dd2 will be a bit too much for them, even though they are like the grandparents she deserves but sadly never got sad

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:03:37

Monthly income £2660 ish and savings £8,000

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:05:02

Take any and all help when offered, allow others to set their own limits and look at what will help you and DD.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 23-Mar-13 22:10:35

Thanks Fool

At least for the time being money isn't an issue. Plus I don't think he would be able to get his hands on any.

It was a ppi settlement, all of the loans taken out before we were together, the last one paid off after we got together.

foolonthehill Sat 23-Mar-13 22:11:34


mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 05:13:20

Pay attention to Izzy's post re boundaries, why he is blanking DD, and what he is doing right now with his endless trips for his tools.

He is also trying to get you to the point where you try to make contact and beg him to come back and be nice to you. If you let him back he really will push you down the stairs, but I think you know that.

He needs to get himself a storage locker somewhere.

You may yet need a protection order.

Chubfuddler Sun 24-Mar-13 05:31:51

When my STBX did similar the police offered me assistance to get I think they called it a domestic protection order, basically a non molestation order with occupancy of the family home attached. We rented too and it would have compelled our landlord to transfer the tenancy to me, no consent needed from him. I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to stay in the house, I got my own place.

Your dv liaison should be able to advise. I second the advice not to worry about SS, I actually found them very supportive and when I said there was no way he was coming back they closed their file.

Isityouorme Sun 24-Mar-13 08:25:32

Are you keeping a diary of When he comes and what interaction he has with dd? It may be usual in future. Say strong, well done.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 09:14:03

Thanks all

I don't doubt that if it's never going to bloody happen he came back, the others nights shenanigans would be just a mild taste of what was to come.

Checked out a couple of solicitors on line last night, so have a couple of options for tomorrow morning, have got to admit the thought of contacting the same very good one I used when I split from Dd1 dad, does make me feel a bit of a loser sad

Will also be talking to the wa referral, will obviouly see about getting the orders mentioned above, is it a big problem that I don't know where exactly he is staying, other than the county? I also need to see what help they can offer re permanent housing.

I will try the council again, they weren't much help on friday, but the non mol and occupancy order might make a difference, I don't want to stay here and to be honest I don't think that is an option long term as the Ll is looking to sell.

blackcurrants Sun 24-Mar-13 11:22:12

You're not a loser, sweet pea, s lost wouldn't have called the police and thrown him out. A loser wouldn't be planning a bold new life unencumbered by twunt. Look at you! You're a winner and you don't even know it ! smile

Add counseling for you to the 'to do' list. A friend has found the freedom program brilliant in helping her understand how controlling abusive twunt men behave, and start to work on her self esteem and boundaries. X

flippinada Sun 24-Mar-13 11:37:23

Good for you OP. What a great role model you are for your DD.

I agree with advice to keep a diary. Ignoring your child - that's really low.

Also, the comings and goings are him being manipulative, no doubt. People like this don't give up easily.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 12:58:10

Took the plunge and told my Aunt, she was gobsmacked but brilliant, trouble is the ice queen is now melting into big snotty puddles. Dd was concerned and asked why my eyes had tears, I told her I was sad because daddy wasn't here, didn't think it right to tell her I'm pissed off because her father is such a fuckwit, she replied"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy".
No flies on her grin

flippinada Sun 24-Mar-13 13:37:41

Children know more than we give them credit for I think!

SolidGoldBrass Sun 24-Mar-13 13:47:23

Well done. You did the right thing in calling the police and you are doing all the right things now. It will be OK, there is lots of support and help out there and your DD will be OK too. With small DC it's a matter of emphasising that what happened was not the child's fault, that you love the child, and that Daddy isn't very well; some people are not very good at being parents or behaving themselves, and so we have to be careful around them and not see too much of them. (What you want to avoid is DC fretting about the fact that they have half the 'bad' parent's genes and might be bad themselves, which is why it's better to imply that the bad parent is unwell rather than horrible, for young DC).

Machli Sun 24-Mar-13 13:50:58

After ex left was finally forced out after years of abuse my five year old ds icily told people "Daddy was very RUDE to Mummy so he doesn't live here any more."

They pick up on everything.

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 13:59:47

Out of the mouth of babes... Even at her tender age, your dd is fully aware that he has no love or respect for you and it's now incumbent on you to ensure she doesn't come to believe this is what she should expect from her future relationships with the opposite sex.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Sun 24-Mar-13 14:16:29

"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy" Love it! what a clever little girl she is!

Mind you, she saw his behaviour towards you for herself, which means actually it won't be difficult to answer her questions., i.e. "it is wrong to behave like that and people aren't allowed to do it, so that is why the police had to take him away, and that is why he isn't allowed to live with us any more" etc.

You are doing a fine, fine job, op, and if the ice melts from time to time, then that is only normal. Wishing you strength and luck xx

foolonthehill Sun 24-Mar-13 14:29:17

honesty...always the best policy. Your DD will be all the reason you need to make this work.

Hope your older one has been ok and that you can find time and space to tell Her what has happened. Don't leave it too long

Hissy Sun 24-Mar-13 14:45:03

"I miss daddy too, but he just doesn't like you anymore mummy"

It's a step for her to think this, but tbh, the 'doesn't like you anymore' is what bothers me.

It's vitally important to make sure that DC learn that certain behaviour is unacceptable, and that we have a right to live without fear or being insulted.

I worry that the 'doesn't like you anymore' could be a mechanism to apportion blame on you, when really you are the undoubted heroine in this piece, you have saved yourself and her from an abusive situation and will go a long way to helping ensure that she won't repeat this terrible experience in her own relationships.

The truth (age appropriate) is always best.

I was always clear with DS when his dad left. He used to say that Daddy left because he shouted at Mummy.

Well done on being so strong, you will get through this!

mathanxiety Sun 24-Mar-13 15:26:36

I agree with what SolidGoldBrass said wrt what to say to your DD.

It's also important for her to understand that none of this was her fault even though she was right there and he was bathing her when it all kicked off. Emphasise that this is something between the two of you and that his behaviour was the reason for his departure and involvement of police.

izzyizin Sun 24-Mar-13 16:07:01

It seems to me that your little dd has a very clear view of the dynamic between her dps and I see no reason to obscure her vision with tales of daddy being 'unwell', especially as this may cause her to conclude that it's in some way acceptable to shout/push people around at times when she may be feeling unwell due to a typical childhood illness or the like.

I suggest you tell her she's right - it seems that daddy doesn't like you and that's ok smile because everyone has the right to like or not like someone else, but it's not ok when someone who doesn't like another person chooses to shout at them and/or push/shove/hit them.

Although I have no doubt she's already aware of what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, this is an opportunity for you to teach her that no-one should put up with being treated badly just because someone doesn't like them, and it's also very unkind to treat someone badly just because you don't like them.

As above, reassure her that none of this her fault and tell her that although daddy might not like you, you know he loves her and he always will even though the ignorant twunt showed such a callous disregard for her feelings yesterday

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 16:41:18

I think the "daddy doesn't like YOU" is possibly because I've told her we both still love HER, therefore 3 year old logic states well if he stil loves me it must be you he doesn't like. Grrrr I know whst I'm trying to say, struggling to find the right words, but I think I've got it across to her that it's not her fault, she's still very much loved.

Decided to bite the bullet and phone the bitch that gave birth to me, I told her he was gone , she replied she already knew, I asked her since when, she said uh yesterday I think, which means since at least friday, so I thanked her for hsr obvious and immediate concern for Dd and me and put the phone down.

Dd1 is uncharacteristically difficult tonget hold off today, he really has excelled himself with the fuckwittery this time angry

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 24-Mar-13 17:20:06

Feel a right shit for doubting Dd1, her wonderful boyfriend had tahen out for lunch and the cinema after church, so her phone was on silent.

Not doing so well today just can't stop crying.

NorksAreMessy Sun 24-Mar-13 17:41:34

Oh being it isn't a surprise that you are feeling fragile and tearful. This is a huge change in your life and it has happened so quickly. Do you have any other RL support?
We are always here to mop you up or cheer you up smile

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: