Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
What couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 21/03/2013 20:56
That might have something to do with the Vixens after hours, I suspect 
Hey thanks for thread, Charlotte and of course fool as always 
Leclerc thank you for all the info about collies I've always loved them and the dcs and I visit a farm near my dm's that has a wonderful collie who rounds up any kids that arrived and marches them off to play. He waits by the cars as they park because he sees that there are kids inside and that's it - as soon as any kids emerge, they're his prisoner for the duration 
I'm loving the sound of your ddog's excellent training, "bang", high five etc!
Trust the email was horrible, I felt tense for you, reading that. He is frightening. And as for the calf killing ? WTAF??? That is def one for the cafcass report.
Pony my lovely, so sorry you felt 
re fw?s new gf. Totally understandable. But I agree wholeheartedly with Fi - you are the winner as you're well out of it, he will be the same to her, the happiness is brief veneer over, yet to be plumbed, murky grisly depths of vast well for her - pretty spooky turn of phrase , fi but SO spot on!
leclerc so sorry to hear about the poor lad with his major op and then this cancer news . He is separate from fw as others have said and I am sure would appreciate a card or text of support.
Lemon it seem reasonable to give the dcs the sum as and when their time of need comes rather than all at once. I?m sure they?d appreciate the necessity of that and the fact that they would receive more financially towards their plans if it?s staggered. Can you put that to your fwx?
Fi I would love the doggie info if you could PM me with it ? thanks! xxx
Xpost fool how bloody awful, what a total fucking twat. F4J = FW seeking attention 
Fool my dcat is so fearsome we even spotted him stalking a deer in the woodland near our house... shall I send him on a fw elimination mission? Mind you, he had an epic fail with the micees under his nose in our kitchen 
but perhaps they were too cute!
.[micees... too cute].... and FAT! Fly
Collie needs to round up FWs across the moor and swiftly over a cliff!!!
will PM you
Lovely Fool I am so sorry you're going through this . Your advice is always so sage that I hesitate to offer any to you! I suppose your discussion with dcs depends on age but honesty is probably the best policy so they're armed against fwittery attempts?
Fi thank you for PM info. I agree about the collies, they are a very intelligent breed, I am sure they could sniff out incipient fwitters and drive them over cliffs, given proper training And YY to cute but FAT micees
This man cannot pass a fridge/MacD's/supermarket without going for "a little something"...he has no chance of fading away...all mouth and no trousers!
It's the lying that really gets to me:
Mr Nice at the abusers course, at his ministers, at his supporters, at his (sane) friends
Mr nasty (and evil witch blaming one) where he thinks they have no link to his "real life". I hear because people are concerned about him, and want me to understand what i am doing to him . but I can't do anything about it until/unless someone puts something in writing or talks to the "nice" supporters who think he's doing everything right...I'd just look like a mad loon (not a great look!!)
Thanks for the new thread :)
Garfield comes to mind breathe
I too had the f4j rant. It was almost comical! Like I am supposed to be quaking in my boots!
One question. Do I have to tell fw a date when I move out? He said that he wants to be here when I move, but I just know he will kick off. When I told him I don't want him to make a scene, he said I will make an effing scene if I effing want to, and you can't call the police as it will be classed as a domestic. They don't come to effing domestics!
He is wrong, right? I am very tempted to say a date but shift everything a few days earlier. I can deal with the fall out then as I will be in my own place and have more rights (I think).
So sorry to read fwittery is happening and your poor cousin in law leclerc
That email was horrendous trust Keep copies safe should you need them.
All is quiet now here on the western front. Just waiting for the next blow up.
Sending mama bear strength 
Blimey - thread 19 already!
It seems there has been quite a lot of action, too much FWittery and quite a lot of drinking/partying!
Tomorrow is my meeting with my boss to try to work out some part time hours for me. Am so hoping it goes well as really everything hinges on this. If I can't work part time and be certain that I would be the resident parent then I'm not sure I have the strength or desire to leave H and DD with him and only see her every other weekend or something. Fingers crossed that someone will be looking out for me.
trust another one thinking 
about your email. But agree with others that it is definitely 'evidence' and possibly will be to your advantage. You can just see the anger that he is losing control seeping between all the words.
fool - am also a little nervous offering a wise one advice when I know so little but I think any court would struggle to take a hunger striking spiderman suit wearing F4J-member seriously when trying to argue that they need more contact with their children.
Turbo I read your thread and your ex ILs seem to be naive at best and stupid yet manipulative and damaging at worst sorry to hear about your difficulties.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.