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Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 21-Mar-13 20:56:19

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 21-Mar-13 20:57:53

The last thread lasted under two weeks!!!

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 20:58:26

wooo! thanks Charlotte that was close call! [phew!]

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 20:59:06

That might have something to do with the Vixens after hours, I suspect hmm

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 20:59:20 don;t hang about!!
Well done C.
Now please tell me you saved this as a word doc or similar....!!

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 21:04:01

oh Tiered not surprised you feel nothing, but its a very peculiar feeling for a fellow human being isn't it?

Big decision in short time then? Are you leaning towards leaving making this the big push?

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 21-Mar-13 21:14:07

I saved it this time! (Actually I've been doing it on and off since the last time!)

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 21:21:53

OK have been sitting on my hands but at the risk of outing myself completely, news hot off the press is that <<fanfare>> FWH who refuses to be divorced is now joining F4J and going on hunger strike due to my "abusive attitude and refusal to let him see DC".

Need smoke out of ears emoticon...he could see the children if he' (insert expletive)..either 1) went thru' the divorce process or 2) filed in court for contact or 3) agreed to mediation (court ordered) and accepted some form of supervision.

My life is a soap opera....I want a different script.

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 21:24:36

OH SHIT Fool Jezuz, I think its not F4J but FFFW! Mine has been ranting about being seen scaling the Eiffel Tower in Spiderman outfit ... stupid dick

my life is The Jeremy Kyle Show

gawd .. sorry blurggh

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 21-Mar-13 21:30:25

Hey thanks for thread, Charlotte and of course fool as always smile

Leclerc thank you for all the info about collies smile I've always loved them and the dcs and I visit a farm near my dm's that has a wonderful collie who rounds up any kids that arrived and marches them off to play. He waits by the cars as they park because he sees that there are kids inside and that's it - as soon as any kids emerge, they're his prisoner for the duration grin I'm loving the sound of your ddog's excellent training, "bang", high five etc!

Trust the email was horrible, I felt tense for you, reading that. He is frightening. And as for the calf killing – WTAF??? That is def one for the cafcass report.

Pony my lovely, so sorry you felt sad re fw’s new gf. Totally understandable. But I agree wholeheartedly with Fi - you are the winner as you're well out of it, he will be the same to her, the happiness is brief veneer over, yet to be plumbed, murky grisly depths of vast well for her - pretty spooky turn of phrase grin, fi but SO spot on!

leclerc so sorry to hear about the poor lad with his major op and then this cancer news sad. He is separate from fw as others have said and I am sure would appreciate a card or text of support.

Lemon it seem reasonable to give the dcs the sum as and when their time of need comes rather than all at once. I’m sure they’d appreciate the necessity of that and the fact that they would receive more financially towards their plans if it’s staggered. Can you put that to your fwx?

Fi I would love the doggie info if you could PM me with it – thanks! smile xxx

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 21-Mar-13 21:32:03

Xpost fool how bloody awful, what a total fucking twat. F4J = FW seeking attention angry

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 21:35:06

leclerc do you think your lovely doggie would round up the FWs and herd them off into the wide blue yonder? Collie would of course be given safe passage back.

I would volunteer mine but she's a coward!

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 21-Mar-13 21:40:52

Fool my dcat is so fearsome we even spotted him stalking a deer in the woodland near our house... shall I send him on a fw elimination mission? Mind you, he had an epic fail with the micees under his nose in our kitchen blush but perhaps they were too cute!

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 21:45:36

Yes send DCat....much more fearsome than a dog!!

Hiding behind humour but I am so far beyond finding my life funny at present...and what do i tell the DC, who talk to FW on skype every weekend...or perhaps he does not count that as contact and will just stop.

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 21:50:05

.[micees... too cute].... and FAT! Fly grin

Collie needs to round up FWs across the moor and swiftly over a cliff!!!

will PM you

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 21-Mar-13 21:55:36

Hunger strike, fool??

Until you cave and are more reasonable? Or until he gets his 5 minutes of fame?

Shame in a way that he probably won't see it through to the bitter end...? Don't suppose he bears much resemblance to Gandhi?

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 21-Mar-13 21:59:05

Lovely Fool I am so sorry you're going through this sad. Your advice is always so sage that I hesitate to offer any to you! I suppose your discussion with dcs depends on age but honesty is probably the best policy so they're armed against fwittery attempts?

Fi thank you for PM info. I agree about the collies, they are a very intelligent breed, I am sure they could sniff out incipient fwitters and drive them over cliffs, given proper training grin And YY to cute but FAT micees grin

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 22:02:12

This man cannot pass a fridge/MacD's/supermarket without going for "a little something"...he has no chance of fading away...all mouth and no trousers!

It's the lying that really gets to me:
Mr Nice at the abusers course, at his ministers, at his supporters, at his (sane) friends
Mr nasty (and evil witch blaming one) where he thinks they have no link to his "real life". I hear because people are concerned about him, and want me to understand what i am doing to him hmm. but I can't do anything about it until/unless someone puts something in writing or talks to the "nice" supporters who think he's doing everything right...I'd just look like a mad loon (not a great look!!)

Dillie Thu 21-Mar-13 22:04:16

Thanks for the new thread smile

Garfield comes to mind breathe

I too had the f4j rant. It was almost comical! Like I am supposed to be quaking in my boots!

One question. Do I have to tell fw a date when I move out? He said that he wants to be here when I move, but I just know he will kick off. When I told him I don't want him to make a scene, he said I will make an effing scene if I effing want to, and you can't call the police as it will be classed as a domestic. They don't come to effing domestics!

He is wrong, right? I am very tempted to say a date but shift everything a few days earlier. I can deal with the fall out then as I will be in my own place and have more rights (I think).

So sorry to read fwittery is happening and your poor cousin in law leclerc

That email was horrendous trust Keep copies safe should you need them.

All is quiet now here on the western front. Just waiting for the next blow up.

Sending mama bear strength brew

snowshapes Thu 21-Mar-13 22:15:02

Dillie you don't need to give him a date, why would you? In fact, you can probably tell the police in advance he has threatened to kick off. I am no expert but I believe their job is to protect your safety, domestic or not. He is trying to intimidate you.

fool good grief about f4j. He is a FW for sure. No wonder you are stressed.

Lemon totally reasonable to give DCs money as and when they need it, as long as it evens out in the long run. Just keep a mental note of who gets what and that it is relatively equal over ensuing decades. No point one missing out because you can't give them all something right now, when they don't all need it.

At work today so not followed thread and how we got to 19?? But just to say all giraffes gratefully recieved, I shall be the old lady with a giraffe sanctuary, instead of cats. Good wishes to everyone.

turbochildren Thu 21-Mar-13 22:27:21

hello. I have lurked, and posted a while back, and now the shit has hit the fan I'm posting away. It's good (in a bad way) that I'm not alone. have just posted on AIBU, and don't know how to link, but there's todays drama.
sorry to those of you who deal with these people!
Don't mean to hijack thread, just had to vent!
Good wishes to everyone. I know you don't know me, but having lurked for ages, I feel I know many of you. smile

bountyicecream Thu 21-Mar-13 22:28:32

Blimey - thread 19 already!

It seems there has been quite a lot of action, too much FWittery and quite a lot of drinking/partying! grin

Tomorrow is my meeting with my boss to try to work out some part time hours for me. Am so hoping it goes well as really everything hinges on this. If I can't work part time and be certain that I would be the resident parent then I'm not sure I have the strength or desire to leave H and DD with him and only see her every other weekend or something. Fingers crossed that someone will be looking out for me.

trust another one thinking shock about your email. But agree with others that it is definitely 'evidence' and possibly will be to your advantage. You can just see the anger that he is losing control seeping between all the words.

fool - am also a little nervous offering a wise one advice when I know so little but I think any court would struggle to take a hunger striking spiderman suit wearing F4J-member seriously when trying to argue that they need more contact with their children.

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 22:33:26

grin bounty......

foolonthehill Thu 21-Mar-13 22:35:37

Hi turbo:
your thread

FairyFi Thu 21-Mar-13 22:36:05

Found this one Turbo

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